Nearly Christmas

Well its nearly Christmas and I've got it pretty much sorted. All the presents are bought and wrapped. All the food is either already sorted and frozen or ordered so that's good. We are not bothering with much in the way of decorations his year as DD is just too ill and finds any changes in room décor too hard to process.
My DM is in hospital again, breathing problems again. Obviously nothing to do with her smoking, last time she decided all the problems were because of some tablets she was taking to help with the ulcers on her legs...not sure how that could affect blood oxygen levels but she would know! This time she decided her problems are because a friend gave her a cold. DF says the friend didn't have a cold but DM is not hearing that. I've been over to see her a couple of times and she is even nastier and ruder than normal, all her brakes are coming off and she is loosing any inhibitions about being nasty in public. Not a nice person to visit. Still I do get chance to speak to DF which is nice as I rarely get to speak to him when DM is around as all conversation has to be centred on her and her alone. My ideal Christmas present would be for her to die...that doesn't make me nice but she is an unpleasant person who brings no joy to anyone, including herself. Also she will continue smoking so this drama will be played out on a regular basis until she does finally snuff it, why not just cut out all the messing around and just go for broke!
Non of us are particularly looking forward to Christmas even though we have planned loads of fun food, DP will be off for 12 days and that does cast a blight over the whole period. He can suck the enjoyment out of any situation. He has only just had 12 days off and that was while DS2 was still in college and DD1 in Uni, neither of them are overjoyed at having to cope with him at home the entire period over the holidays. DP claims he is looking forward to 'relaxing' as he is tired and needs a break after working hard all year...he's only just had a long break when he did sweet FA so God only knows why he feels he is so much need of a break. He was using this as an excuse for being ridiculously grumpy to DS2...he is such an entitled twat! Even he had the grace to acknowledge that I wouldn't be getting any time off over this or indeed any other holiday....won't stop him doing nothing for the entire period and spending his days flopping and being bored. He has done absolutely nothing to prepare for Christmas, no shopping, no planning, no cooking. Everyone else has done their share...DD has helped sort the menus and cooked some of the food for Christmas, DS1 has helped shop and has worked his way through a long list of jobs I had waiting for him, even DS2 has helped. But DP has done absolutely nothing, a big fat zero and HE is the one saying how tired he is...hard not to despise someone so self absorbed! He has no idea what any of his children are getting for Christmas and will only find out what DS2 is getting as the older 2 open all their presents in their rooms to escape him commenting on what they get. A pathetic excuse for a parent!
Anyway as you can tell we are looking forward to the festive period no end...only a couple of weeks and its all over for another year! In my dreams next Christmas wouldn't include either DP or DM...who knows maybe my dreams will come true one year!

DD's life is falling apart

DD has been declining rapidly all year and is now seriously unwell and struggling to find the energy to do anything. She became ill about 5 years ago and I remember how scary it was then seeing how reduced her energy was and how little she could do. God its almost laughable now to think we would both kill for her to be only that ill. She tended to come out with me every time I went shopping just to get out of the house... I did find it a bit claustrophobic as she was always there but now I would love for her to have the energy to come out. Last time we went to a shop...only M&S so nothing exciting, she found it all so overwhelming in terms of noise, visual stimuli and too many choices. She has effectively given up going into town as its just too noisy for her and she struggles to cope with so many people being around. This is the girl who would go into town every weekend with friends just to be in town!

She has so many new symptoms...pretty much constant nausea, anal leakage on occasion...that one she loved obviously. Her weird spasms are getting more constant...she gropes my boobs all the time and any other part of my body she can get to. She suckles, my finger mostly. She swears and comes out with appalling phrases...good job I totally know its not her or I could get upset. All of this is embarrassing her sooo much and really upsets her. It kind of feels like the after affects of a stroke, Tourette's and Alzheimer's....not a great combination for a hyper bright 22 year old!

She is spending increasing periods in bed semi dozing which doesn't feel like a good development. One of the worst aspects of her having ME is the lack of any information about how her illness is likely to progress but I don't see anything good on the horizon. She is declining so rapidly this year and I can see that continuing into next year. She can only decline so far before she has no further to go and dies. Maybe not in the next couple of years but it is coming and coming rapidly.

I spend most of my time trying to support her, emotionally mostly though she does need lots of physical support. The problem for her comes when she is too tired to have anyone in the room with her so has to cope alone. Not good. My emotional needs are met by DD and DS1 when he can. My DP is a total arse and had already stopped talking to DD before she became ill and hasn't stepped up to the mark now she so very poorly. He won't even talk about her illness with me...when I have tried to talk about anything to do with her he walks away, talks over me or deliberately changes the topic. He is utterly useless and I despise him. If I could afford to throw him out believe me I would and DD and DS1 would cheer as they both have no respect or affection for him at all.

My parents are useless, my DM refuses to accept DD is actually ill and will tell me every article that she finds with some ill researched and badly written report on ME. Trying to prove what, I don't know...that DD would be well if she wanted to be maybe. She has said that if DD was 'more positive' and 'relied less on her wheelchair' she would get better. When I have tried to explain ME is a chronic illness...like diabetes...my DM's reply was 'but diabetes has a physical cause'...that was when I totally gave up on her and have very limited contact now. Neither of them has seen DD since, and won't unless DD decides she wants to. Apart from anything else DM would be offensive about the fact DD has put on weight this year...I think at least a portion of it is bloating from residual kidney problems but all my DM would see is FAT and she would be nasty. So she can keep away from DD who has enough shit to cope with without DM. DF is fine but loud, which DD struggles with and as he is a total enabler for DM he has to be kept away too. If they don't like it tough...they offer no support so can stuff off. They aren't coming for Xmas which won't please them but that's not my problem...as you sow so shall you reap!

My DB is similarly useless for support...last time I saw him I was talking about DD and he said that he didn't want to hear about her because it was 'too depressing'. Well that's his choice but I don't need that kind of stupidity in my life and I can't see him loosing any sleep because I'm not in touch anymore.

I am struggling tonight as DD is in pain and so confused and unhappy. There is nothing I can do to make it better which as a mum is all I want to do. I am also really worried about DD's future, its going downhill so very rapidly and that's worrying. No one ever said life would be fair but this seems to be so far past just 'unfair' for DD and I would give anything for her to have more of a life. Its a good job DD is so amazingly brave and copes so awesomely with the crap that is ME.

Counting down the days

This close to Xmas 'counting down the days' should mean the countdown to Xmas but not in my house! DP has booked 8 days off work...not for any specific reason, he just had loads of holiday left and this was a convenient time for his ego (because he feels work will be able to cope without him) to take the holiday. Unfortunately it means he is at home for 12 days...there is no way I can describe the utter tedium of having him home for such a long period of time. He has nothing to do...other than his usual faffing around and he is bored and floppy. I asked him to take my car to the garage to get it looked and he wouldn't because 'he didn't know what to say'....god he is pathetic and such a baby! That's the sort of excuse I'd expect from a teenager not an adult!

He is filling his days with 'running'...not sure how much running he actually does as the place he reckons he runs is 15 minutes drive from our house and as he's only out of the house for just over half an hour it doesn't leave a lot of time if he is planning on training for a marathon....oh yes he is that delusional. He is also spending lots of time 'practising' his French...he thinks he is really good a French, and I will agree he is better than I am, he has listened some 'learn French' cds and is 'practising' by watching DS9 in French....with English subtitles. Not sure it achieves much other than annoying me as he has the volume on so loud. He is also messing about with a chess book he's had for well more than 10 years and is still 'working his way through it'.

Other than that he is 'talking' to me...this involves him holding forth on whatever topic he has decided he is an expert on and talking. I am not expected to respond in any way...indeed if I do he gets huffy..he is deigning to give me the benefits of his amazing wisdom so I don't need to speak! I have years of experience in ignoring  his monologues so just play deaf and find a job that means I need to leave the room. God he is dull!

So anyway we have 10 more days of this to go before he is back at work. Not looking forward to any of it. He will then be off for Xmas and will bore us all over again. At least this year my parents aren't coming over, not sure they know this yet but I am not inviting them and have made it clear we are doing nothing. Well if they ask they will be told. DD is way too poorly to cope with any extra messing about and noise!

On a happier note DS1 came home for a couple of days...by coach which he did find exhausting. He came because he wanted a tattoo from the lady who is doing his other tattoos...she is in Middlesbrough and the easiest way to get to her was to come home so I could drive him, and he could get his washing done, sort new rugby boots and a haircut and then go back to London. It was over his birthday but that was not by choice it just happened that way. It was lovely seeing him he was happy to get chance to see is sister and get all his jobs sorted...and paid for by me! His Dad spoke to him once...very briefly...while he was here. Didn't wish him 'Happy Birthday'...it was his 21st...or anything. In fact his dad has no idea what he got for his 21st...or really any interest! Not a great parent that's for sure.

Anyway I will go and continue my countdown to sanity!

Update: well we are down to only 2 days now. God its been hard....not helped by the fact he got a 'cold' and has been 'coughing' endlessly. Given DD used to get viral coughs that were so bad she'd get sent home from High School on a regular basis every winter and DS1 has asthma so can struggle with breathing so I am used to people coughing but DP really did manage to exceed everything I have ever experienced. He was relentless...too 'poorly' to do much, like go running, out to the gym or even go to his class. Not good as it meant he was home ALL THE F***ING TIME!! I had hoped he's go down and see his step mum at least one day when he was off...she is lovely and he hasn't been down to see her even once since his dad died which is beyond rude and ignorant in my book.

Anyway we are all still alive...if only just in DD's case. She has been very unwell but will, hopefully, feel better on Monday. Even if she is still poorly at least she can be poorly without her dad 'coughing' and being 'ill' around the place all day!!!

Update 2: he is finally back at work and we have had 3 prat free days. DD is really unwell at the moment so we have not been able to do any of the things we promised ourselves we would once we had some time for ourselves. Hopefully next week will be easier.

I am finding life hard

As the title says I am finding life more than normally hard at the moment. There are lots of reasons for this...most of them fairly minor, the main reason is DD and how ill she is and how needy she is getting.

The minor moans...just for completeness and in no particular order are:-

• the Rumanians or whatever they are who are swarming all over the area. God they are loud, sweary and there are soo many of them. Dozens of children in most houses...that is not an exaggeration unfortunately and the children have no supervision or boundaries. They are out on the streets at all hours, and in all weathers, shouting and screaming, spitting, weeing on the street and generally being aggressive and unpleasant. Non of the other local children play out at all any more and who can blame them!
• DS2 is so incredibly happy and excited about his college course and is loving every minute. For the first time in his life he has friends who are on his level and that he understands and who understand him. All that is beyond good but it is making him hyper and totally OBSCESSED with having a girlfriend and getting married! Its all a bit wearing and he can be hard work to bring back down to earth and get him back in touch with reality. But I am so very pleased he is having such an amazing time at college.
• DP is being his usual knobby self but has added weird 'jazz style' clapping and noises to his repertoire, really not appealing or pleasant. He is still not talking to DD at all which is pathetic. Other than that he is mostly keeping out of my way, though his habit of telling me what he is watching on TV or YouTube is irritating, fortunately I have years of practise in ignoring him and his seriously attention seeking behaviour.

But as I say these...and other annoyances are minor in comparison to how ill DD is getting and how much support she is needing. I do find her habit of whinging very difficult to deal with. She's not doing it on purpose as such but she does need lots of attention and in many ways she is behaving like a baby and they cry to signal they need something. It means I get very little time for myself...hence not getting chance to write anything for a while. I, mostly, keep my temper, she is suffering and its hard for her. Though there are moments when I think how nice it would be...for an hour or so, to be able to sit in a chair and have people dance attention on me and get me whatever I asked for. OK I'd get bored very fast and DD doesn't have the luxury of deciding she's had enough added to which she is frequently in lots of pain and generally feels crap.

• just thought of another minor annoyance, J has spent through a large cash gift from her mum...think 1,000's...in a very short space of time and is desperately short of cash again. Its all gone to fund her drug addict boyfriend which is the bit that annoys me. Anyway she sold her saxophone to DP for not a cheap price...it was the high end of what was available on ebay. I don't resent paying for the instrument but I do resent the fact that the money went on drugs. I am a total puritan but I find it all seriously disturbing. DP has her flute and I have checked the price so if that get's bought I know what a sensible price is and won't let DP overpay again.

Anyway that's some of the reasons life is less than easy at present....another reason is my weight loss is flat lining...the only way to get it back on track is cut out even more food but I already eat very little so that will be hard and its getting dark and all my body wants to do is eat calorie rich food to help me hibernate!

My son is awesome

All my children are utterly brilliant and perfect in their own ways obviously but DS1 is soo handy doing loads of odd jobs for me. He spent the whole summer holidays sorting stuff, some big like sanding down the kitchen table so I could revarnish it...and then resanding it as DP and DS2 wrecked the initial varnish in less than a day, to little stuff like moving furniture for me.

He is so solid and just does stuff...okay sometimes he has a melt down if he thinks I've been pushing him too hard and not giving him enough time on his own. But mostly he is placid and calm which is just brilliant in a house where DP is a low level narc who is constantly attention seeking like a pathetic toddler, DS2 who nutty, hyper and has the attention span of a mayfly on speed and DD who is struggling to cope with how her illness is messing with her emotions. I really miss DS1 when he goes back to Uni...not just because he is so useful but mostly because he is so calm and quietly supportive just by being around.

I have been writing this post for weeks but have been struggling to get any time as DD has been seriously unwell and needing high levels of support...physical and emotional. Also DS2 seems to pop up and start being nosy anytime I get anywhere near the computer.

DS1 has been back in London for 2 weeks now, his Uni only started today but he needed to get away fro his sanity, he was finding DP and DS2 increasingly hard work and just needed some space to himself. Its a real shame he left when he did as I really needed him to do a major job just after he'd gone. I got DP to take an old...and disconnected...gas fire to the skip but moron that he is he also took the metal plate that blocks the chimney as well! I did text him to say do NOT throw it but of course he didn't read the text and then flopped instead of going straight back to the skip to retrieve the metal plate. Its hard to credit just how utterly stupid the man is...weirdly he still thinks he is the cleverest person he has ever met...god he is sooo deluded. Anyway I now need DS1 to make me a new whatever to block off the chimney so the kitchen doesn't get covered in rain and soot!

The summer holidays are drawing to an end

I have to admit I have always enjoyed the summer holidays, its good not to have to race out of bed every day to sort packed lunches and sort children off to school and the spend the day keeping an eye on the clock. Summer holidays give time and space to actually enjoy time with my children...or at least that's what it used to be like.

Once DS2 arrived summer holidays became harder as he struggles to cope with any breaks in his routine and while he used to find school readily hard he can be hard to keep occupied at home. Still we used to get out for days to do stuff and holidays were still lots of fun. This year is not proving to be quite as much fun as I'd hoped. For a start its been going on for ages...DS2 finished school in early June and DS1 came home from Uni before the end of June. DS2 is madly keen to start College, once he'd had his taster days he fell totally in love with the place...'how had we KNOWN he would like the College so much'...so he is getting to be a bit bored at still being off. DS1 is kind of coping with being home from Uni but has really grown away from life here and will be happier once he gets back to his real life, luckily he still has friends here but its not the same and he finds coping with DD, DS2 and DP really hard.

The main problem this summer though has been DD's health. She has deteriorated at a steady pace ever since she became ill but this summer her decline has been precipitous and its getting scary for her...and the rest of us. She is having to give up football...a real shame as she felt doing powerchair football made her illness worth it, she is struggling to maintain her blog even once a week, she was doing it every day not that long since and she is almost totally housebound. Having DS2 at home all the time is hard for her as he is so loud and does suck energy out of everyone. DS1 also makes life hard for DD as he won't DO all the stuff he thinks he should...after all he has the energy and is going to actually get to leave. (As a big sister she has always had a tendency to micromanage her brothers life).

Not sure what the future holds for DD but its not going to be pleasant or pretty. We are hoping to manage a couple of outings before the end of the holidays but they will be DD's last trips out unless a miracle happens. It also looks as though I will not be able to leave her, even with her brother to look after her as she needs more support than she can take from him. I went to see my parents on Sunday with DP and DS2...totally a duty visit...and DD struggled. Then yesterday I had to leave her for most of the day as DS1 needed taking to Middlesbrough to get his first tattoo....DD coped but only just and I can't justify leaving her.

I still like summer holidays but I don't think I'll be looking forward to them quite as much in the future.

Happy Days

I am having a really good time at the moment....not that everything is great, DD is not good and is in huge amounts of pain. She had her PIP assessment on Thursday which lasted an hour and a half and she was sobbing with pain and exhaustion by the end then on Friday she had an appointment at the new pain unit which was tiring as she had 4 questionnaires to fill in and the place was loud and busy.

Still even with DD being ill we are still having good days. On Wednesday we all went out to Harlow Carr and the flowers were the best I have ever seen. There was a patch of wild flowers that were especially lovely...lots of poppies and corn flowers, very special.

On Saturday my new cooker was delivered and installed. Knowing that it would be a job and a half...mostly because of the vast amounts of expanding foam DP has used around the old cooker, don't ask...I arranged to be in town getting DS1 and 2 haircuts leaving DP to cope. Even before we left I could hear the men removing the old cooker complaining the cooker was hot...DP had used it minutes before it needed to be taken out because 'no one had told him'. Installing the cooker was obviously less than fun job...had DP 'known the foam would cause problems he would have dug the old plug out'...what bit he didn't 'know' only he could explain. He was more than aware the new cooker was being installed because I explained it all to him, but he only 'knows' he is perfect so any problems are someone else's fault obviously. Anyway non of that mattered as I wasn't there and the new cooker is gorgeous...all white and shiny and sooo clean.

On Saturday night I had another amazing experience. I phoned my parents, not because I really wanted to but felt I ought to...the problems of being a dutiful daughter, well a bit dutiful. The last phone call from my mum had been very brief and she'd not phoned since so I'd had a good week of peace and quiet and thought I'd had too much fun so ought to phone. Anyway I got my dad and we chatted for a few minutes about England winning the Ashes and the stuff he's doing in the garden. Nothing major just general chit chat...I asked after mum's health and did the polite stuff. He was then going to pass the phone over to mum so she could speak...this is when my day looked up...she wasn't wanting to speak to me. Presumably I done/not done something which has offended her and so she is punishing me by not speaking to me. I really wish I knew what I'd done so I could so it lots more!

As far as I'm concerned she can refuse to speak to me until she dies, if I never speak to her again I won't loose anything good from my life. Instead I'll loose all her self absorption and her endless negativity and all her snidy comments about what I should be doing.  Long may the punishment last!

Anyway as  I said happy days!

Update: unfortunately I gloated too soon and my mum phoned me a couple of days later to dribble on about who knows (or cares) what. She did ask about DD's scan...she doesn't have any scans booked but mum stalks DD's blog, twitter etc and about a month ago DD mentioned she was finally being referred to a neurologist. Mum has been told how much DD hates her reading her stuff but mum is too self absorbed and ignorant to think anyone could possible object to HER doing exactly what she wants. She really is a less than pleasant person...her loss as it means she doesn't get to see DD or DS1, though not sure how much of a loss she thinks that is. They are not the grandchildren she wants any more so I'm not sure she misses them...other than as actors in her personal drama!
I mentioned to DD about her Gma reading her twitter and she tweeted about how creepy it was to have family stalking her twitter feed! Way to go girl!! Maybe Mum will be pissed off and punish me again. Fingers crossed.

What an exciting week! (sarcasm alert)

Well the week started off okay with me finding out I'd got carers allowance for DS2 when I spotted the money in my account. Always nice to find cash I didn't know I had.

As I now have regular extra money I decided I'd better start sorting all the long list of jobs that need doing but I have no money rather than leaving them in the hopes they'll get sorted by elves. So I got the gas fires serviced and got details of how big a new cooker I could squeeze into the kitchen. Unfortunately I can't get a normal sized cooker I still need a little one, a real shame as there is technically space for a bigger cooker but new safety rules means I can't use all the space.

The other problem is that the gas heater in the kitchen is unsafe because the chimney is leaking and needs relining. Not worth the money so I am now trying to get a quote for a new electric fire...I do not fancy a winter without heating in the kitchen!! At least sorting the heaters in the summer gives me time to get everything working by winter when it will be freezing. Not that's its exactly warm at the moment.

I am also getting a quote for a new shower for the top bathroom. The shower has never worked well, it drains poorly and it only gives a trickle of water. I have been wanting to replace it for years and now seems like a good time to find out how much it will be. I am not sure when I will get the money together, even with extra cash coming in we still have more jobs needing cash than we have money! The list of jobs that need doing include-

• car MOT in the next month and all the work that invariably needs doing
• replace sofa in living room
• sort roof to try and stop water coming in...this is an on going problem and is endlessly annoying.
• replace the cooker
• sort an electric heater in the kitchen
• replace the shower in the top bathroom

I have other jobs that need adding to the list eventually like replacing the hall/stair carpet and replacing the lino in the kitchen. The bath also needs replacing in my bathroom.

Well it won't all be done anytime soon but its good to know I have some cash coming in regularly to help. Makes it possible to start on the list.

Another good thing this week is that I've not heard from my parents. I phoned them over a week ago and its been lovely and quiet ever since. I'm enjoying the rest. My brother was due to go over yesterday and see them and mum was expecting him to stay, not sure if that was part of his plans but fortunately its nothing to do with me either way. I will doubtless hear all about it from mum at some stage.

Update: well I got a phone call from my mum in the evening and my brother did stay over for one night which was good of him. It was a weirdly brief phone call, my mum has been known to dribble on for over an hour as standard on phone calls and this one lasted less than 5 minutes. I think the reason for the brevity was that I told her my news...about the gas fire and the chimney...that's not the purpose of phone calls I am supposed to ask after her health and then listen while she tells me boring twaddle about her life. I prefer the shorter phone calls, though even in the brief time she spoke she still managed to be snidey about how I deal with DS2 and blatantly uninterested in anything to do with my life. What it is to have such a supportive mother.

Update 2: well here I am updating this less than a year after I originally wrote my list of jobs I'd like done and I am overjoyed that every one of the jobs I really wanting sorting has been done! We have also got a stairlift for DD fitted and triple glazing in her bedroom to reduce the noise coming from the street. Its been a busy year and DD I have both been saving like mad but we have worked our way through everything on the list, even with such minor matters as a new washing machine being needed when the last one died and even a new tumble drier when that stopped working properly. We now need to save for DS1's deposit for a shared house in London for his 3rd year of Uni and afterwards. So no worries!! Good job we are used to saving hard!

Our holiday

Well we booked a holiday on a canal boat that was specially adapted for wheelchair users. It looked perfect, a slow moving, gentle holiday with lots of time to do stuff as a family...when I say 'family' I mean me, DD, DS1 and DS2, DP hasn't been included in our holiday plans for years as he can poison anything with his temper and foul moods. We had planned a route that would take us to Stratford on Avon and it all looked idyllic.

We got to the boat yard on Thursday and got everything on board and DS1 got taught how to steer the boat. It all looked fine...the boat wasn't as wheelchair accessible as we'd imagined but still workable. We were recommended not to do the route we planned as it was not easy for beginners and would need more able bodied people than we had...really just DS1 and me. So we set off down the River Severn for Worcester.

The river was lovely, everything we'd hoped for. Lots of nature, warm sunshine and plenty to see on the river. Unfortunately the boat was not easy enough to steer that anyone except DS1 could do it so he stayed at the tiller all day and ended up extremely over tired, sunburnt and dehydrated. He was concentrating so hard he didn't drink or eat enough and couldn't take a break to get suncreamed up. Not that suncream made that much difference...it was very sunny.

But the main problem wasn't DS1 it was DD. She just found it all too much, too much light, too much movement, too much having to concentrate because she felt she had to help cope with manoeuvring the boat as much as she could. She couldn't rest when she needed to and got dangerously over tired. She has been flaring mildly in recent weeks and we were anxious about how she would cope on holiday but wanted to go anyway, well we found out how she coped and it wasn't well.

We moored up in Worcester on Thursday night and I decided we would go back on Friday....DS1 admitted he found steering the boat all the time harder than he'd imagined, DS2 loved the boat but was getting bored as there was little for him to do when he were moving, I found the constant motion disconcerting (I suffer appallingly from motion sickness and even a slow moving boat on a gentle river affected me) but non of these would have mattered if DD was coping. But she wasn't, she was struggling too much and the only option was to bring her home before she got too ill to manage the journey back. To be honest only DS2 was disappointed with the decision and even he could see how desperately poorly DD was...he gave her the teddy he'd brought on holiday to protect him. He is such a sweetie, hard work but sooo worth it.

The holiday was worth it....DD and I were up at 4am on Friday morning watching the dawn over the river...total magic. I saw an otter, she saw kingfishers and we all saw loads of heron. DS2 got to steer the boat for a tiny section which made him feel amazing and he got to sound the horn loads. DS1 got his low opinion of motor boats confirmed by the arrogance of the motor yacht owners, he is definitely a sail man. But even with all of this coming home was the right decision.

Unfortunately it was a hellish journey coming home...6.5 hours for a 3 hour journey, thank God for air con! The traffic round Birmingham was VERY slow moving. Still it was good to be home again and DD was happy to be back in her own room where she could control the light and she was able to rest in  more comfort. She was still dangerously overtired and in huge amounts of pain but found it easier to manage at home.

An interesting note: on the first night I had a text message from my Mum and DP both basically saying 'hope you have a good holiday'. I replied to both saying the weather was good but DD was struggling and we were coming back early. DP replied briefly saying 'what a shame', but no enquiry about DD. My Mum didn't reply at all. I also texted my friend to say what was happening and got texts back expressing normal interest and offering support and the following morning she texted again to check how DD was coping and basically showed she cared. Nothing from DP or Mum. When we got home DP was plainly not expecting us back and was VERY plainly not happy we had got back early to invade 'his' space!

I didn't find out anything I didn't know but it was a very clear example of how little DP and Mum care about DD.

My Mum is ill

My mum has smoked for more than 60 years and, unsurprisingly, suffers from chest problems as a result. She has smoked up to 60 a day at some stages and still smokes plenty, even though she is not supposed to be smoking at all.

She had a chest infection last week, quelle surprise, she ALWAYS has a 'chest infection'. She wasn't well but then she's not been well for years and is pretty much house bound unless my Dad takes her out. Well this chest infection turned nasty and she ended up having to be rushed to hospital in an ambulance and having oxygen forced into her lungs for 48 hours as her blood oxygen was so low.

She remembers nothing about this, hardly surprising, so thinks everyone is making a fuss about nothing and is plainly not planning on giving up cigarettes. She is annoyed that the ambulance workers cut off her clothes! She is whinging about all the bruises on her arms from where needles were inserted...okay the bruises look awful but she needs to look at the big picture. She is alive, which was far from certain when she arrived in hospital. She was in Intensive Care for 48 hours! The woman is delusional.

If I am being totally honest I was really disappointed that she recovered. I was very much hoping that she would die...I have been waiting for it for years. She is, as far as I'm concerned, a nasty waste of space. She is very needy and everything has to be about her. She dismisses my DD's illness because it takes attention away from her and means I have an excuse for not living my life according to her script.

The more I look back on my childhood the more aware I become of how manipulative and unpleasant she was. Yet I would still say my childhood was happy...not so much my teenage years and beyond but that's life for you. Mum does like to the centre of attention. Fortunately for her my Dad still thinks she is amazing and is really pleased she recovered and will still be around shouting at him and being offensively rude for a few more years. I am not so pleased but keep all contact to a minimum so its not a major problem for me.

DD's birthday

Yesterday was DD's birthday, she was 22. We hadn't planned to do much, she is really tired and struggling at the moment, so we decided we'd spend the day watching silly films and eating nice food. The day started well as DS1 skyped to chat to his sister and wish her Happy Birthday.

The present I'd ordered for DD hadn't arrived but I'd got DD some 'gourmet' chocolates which she loved, she liked them even more once she'd tried them. The flavours were odd and she didn't feel they really worked so she got the excitement of trying new flavour combinations, the pleasure of giving chocolates to her little brother and no calories...excellent chocolates.

We watched 'Victor/Victoria' first and it was not the film I remembered. The first half was fun but the second half was not great but we still enjoyed dissecting the film and remaking it to our satisfaction. DD got biscuits and gravy for lunch. She watches a lot of 'Diners, Drive-ins and Dives' and loves American style food, and she's been wanting to have biscuits and gravy for years. Well I finally got round to making it for her and making a dish you've never seen so have no idea of basics, like how thick the sauce should be, was an interesting experience. Fortunately DD loved it and its something  I can easily make for her again.

I then had my lunch and got tea sorted, we had then planned on starting our next film but DS2 came home and needed sorting and I had other jobs I needed to sort...I even tried to read an article from The Guardian...all of which took time. We were just about to put the film in when DP came home from work early. NOT GOOD!! what a horrid end to a birthday, cause once he was home it was the end of us having fun. DD put her headphones on and watched stuff on her ipad and I surfed the internet. Not what we'd planned. To really make sure the whole rest of the day sucked DP then announced he was 'in two minds' about going out to his class in the evening. The fact he goes out every evening is all that keeps me sane some days!

Talk about ruining the mood! As it was such a gorgeous day DD and I went out to a quiet local park after tea, we were the only people there so the fact she was in pyjamas and slipper mattered not at all. DS2 asked DP to take him to the park to play some football, he apparently agreed but was so incredibly grumpy that even though they left after us they were still home before we got back, and we were only out for a few minutes. What a knob! DP proceeded to stay grumpy until DD went up to bed when he was very happy to rush into the living room and watch TV...he does get unreasonably grumpy that DD has the temerity to sit in HIS living room, on HIS sofa and watch HIS TV...as I say, what a knob!

You may have noticed that in all the description of the day I haven't mentioned the part where DP wishes his daughter Happy Birthday...DS2 did, he had made her a card and was really sweet and lovely when he got in from school, DS1 skyped and chatted, spoonie friends sent cards and presents. Her father NOTHING...he didn't speak to her at all the entire day.  Okay the not speaking to her was hardly unusual, he's barely exchanged a word with DD in months and months, probably years. DD can only recall him speaking to her AT ALL once this year. But you'd think on her birthday however much of a knob you are you could manage  to rustle up the grace to say 'Happy Birthday'. Well not if you are my DP. To add the cherry to the top of this particular crappness DP announced he was working from home today...oh yeah what fun...he will be around all day being obnoxious and crappy another day and then we go into a weekend! I am just sooo lucky.

So I'm trying to loose some weight.

I have been over weight most of my life. I put on weight in early puberty and my Mum made me feel as though I was enormous and gross. Even before puberty I thought I was big, some of my earliest memories are of my Mum telling me how big I was and 'joking' about my size. When I put on weight in puberty and realised how repulsed my Mum was I tried to diet, I had no idea of sensible dieting and so ate a totally crazy diet. I was lucky to avoid anorexia and looking back I think my Mum would have been quite happy with me ending up anorexic...well maybe I'd have been thin enough for her then!

So ended a cycle of dieting and putting on weight again that lasted me for far too much of my life, adding it up I was dieting for about 30 years. Such a waste especially as I wasn't exactly over weight when I started, 10st 8lb (I did look shocking in old photos, I admit,  think 70's fashion and hair styles and a badly needed brace but I wasn't over weight). At my heaviest I got as high as 16st and at my lowest I got down to 10st 7lb (briefly)...I did manage 8st 7lb when I first dieted but that was stupid and didn't even please my Mum then!

I finally gave up dieting about 10 years ago...I put on about 2-3st when I began fostering, something that's not uncommon if you are an emotional eater as I am. I ate all my anger at how DS2 had been treated, I ate all the anger and frustration at how difficult his behaviour was, I ate my exhaustion from having no sleep for weeks/months as he nightmared, I ate my unhappiness at having to give up work and stay home to care for DS2 full time. I ate all the time. But I decided dieting was not for me and that I needed to live with who I was and just get on with my life, which was my sanest and healthiest decision.

I ended up settling around 15st, not a size I was ecstatic with but I could live with it. DP was getting more narc and showing more abuser style behaviour which left me without any support as I dealt with DS2 growing up, a rollercoaster of a ride, DD working towards Oxford with depression (not related), getting an offer and then being too ill with ME to go, DS1 finding what he wanted to do and finally going off to Uni. I had a lot to cope with and did not have any spare energy to care about my weight...also being fat makes you invisible and  I was happy not to be seen.

But I stepped on the scales last week and discovered I had put on 7lb and decided enough was enough I had to loose some weight. I had no intention of actually dieting I just thought I'd eat more sensibly for a week or so and get back into my comfort zone weight wise and then go back to my diet of junk food. I stopped eating junk and bread and found it surprisingly easy and have already lost most of my 'excess' weight. Unfortunately for my junk food days there have been unexpected side effects of my healthier eating, I have lost all the anaesthetic effects of excess eating and DD is so much happier with the fact I can offer so much more support now I have more emotions available. Eating suppressed my negative emotions but it suppressed my positive emotions too which is not brilliant when I am DD's only support. So I am going to have to stay with the healthy eating permanently which may have other unexpected side effects for DP as I now have zero tolerance for his silliness and, I'm wanting to say manipulation but that's not quite right I think the word I'm looking for is entitlement but whatever, I am getting a LOT less tolerant and I wasn't exactly an enabler before (more of an ignorer). Not sure how he is feeling about the new me, or even if he's noticed. We will see.

Not sure what the future holds either weight wise or emotion/personality wise but its a new journey and I'm keen to see what happens.

Update: well I have now been eating healthily for about 2 months and have lost about a stone, so not a fast weight loss. Given how big I still am I'm fairly surprised how slowly the weight is coming off and will freely admit I would not still be dieting if I was looking to loose weight as my only motivation for the way I'm eating. Its still fairly easy, though yesterday was crazily hard as we drove back from holiday and I was beyond exhaustion and all I wanted to do was eat as many calories as possible to give me an energy boost. But I didn't which impressed me no end, the scales were less impressed but that's life for you. I will either loose weight or not but I am offering more support to DD which is the important thing.

Update 2: I am still slowly loosing weight...whole weeks go by when I loose or gain 1/2 a lb, it really doesn't seem worth the effort. But to be honest its not really a major effort, I don't get any of the cravings I have experienced in every diet I've ever done...there have been 100s!, so I keep plodding on. I would be happier if my scales loved me more but I can live with it. In order to loose weight even as slowly as I'm managing I am eating less than a 1000 calories a day, so should theoretically be loosing weight steadily, but as all dieters know bodies just don't work that way. I have lost about 30% of the weight I plan to loose...at this rate I will have lost all the weight I want to loose by the end of the year. It will obviously take longer, but it will be interesting. Its been sooo long since I was less than fat!

Update 3: I have now lost almost 50% of the weight I am looking to loose. Still no one has noticed I've lost any weight at all which is bit disappointing but hopefully the next 50% will be more noticeable. I am still managing to eat low enough levels of calories that I loose some weight most weeks but its getting harder. I think its the dark nights that are making me hungry!

The Longest Week

My DP is off work this week...supposedly to help keep the youngest occupied as he is on half term. Well  its not working out that way as DS2 is busy and not wanting be a toy so he is 'answering back'. This is the most serious crime any child...well anyone really...can commit as far as DP is concerned, he goes ballistic if DS2 has a different opinion never mind actually responding to comments made to him. DP actually shouted at DS once 'how dare you disagree with me!!'...as you can tell DP is not the most normal person and does have very narc tendencies...he also matches a number of the abuser profiles in Lundy Bancroft's book. (I know he's not nice, I have already said I'm only with him because I don't have the money to leave).

Anyway he is home all week and is bored and so flopping and wanting to do stuff with me...like going shopping. He came shopping with me yesterday and was honestly less help than DS2, and less company. He talked at me a bit but basically we said nothing to each other the whole time. He was just looking for something to do and nothing better was offered. I am presumably supposed to organise activities he and DS2 can do, so that he can be 'martyred' (his favourite pose) whilst actually doing stuff he wants to but DS2 isn't really bothered for...a total win as far as DP is concerned. But I gave up organising stuff years ago...I found being told I was 'bossy' for organising stuff too much, especially as I was left to do everything. An example...this post is really rambling but as I'm the only one who reads it who cares...DP decided he wanted us all to go out on a picnic, telling me his plans the morning of said picnic which meant I'd no chance to plan anything food wise. I decided I'd had enough and so left organising stuff to DP, well he was the one who wanted the picnic after all and I was constantly being told I was bossy so presumably my organising stuff was not appreciated. No prizes for guessing we didn't go on the picnic...or indeed any subsequent picnics.

DP is also being annoyingly clingy this week...yes I know I am only half way through the week but it already feels like the longest week ever...he is constantly coming to ask me how to do stuff and checking he is doing something right...he never asks my opinion on anything or ever acknowledges I might have more skill in any activity, so him asking me how to mix cake batter is just annoying and pathetically creepy!

Its DS2's birthday today and even though DP has taken time off work to be with DS2 he has planned other stuff for today...what a knob! Luckily we are all having much more fun without DP around. I can't wait for the week to be over!

Update...well we survived the week if only just, my DD was left seriously overtired and struggled to cope with the stress and noise during the week. DS2 escaped for some of the week but even he found DP being home all the time too much for him.

The relief is enormous!!!

Well the election results have come in and what a surprise. The Conservatives have a slim majority, its such good news. The prospect of Ed Miliband as Prime Minister was so scary and embarrassing but seemed so inevitable. Luckily the opinion polls were universally wrong and the Labour Party lost a pile of seats. My favourite moment was Ed Balls loosing his seat...a fine moment and one I managed to see live as the count, and recount, took so long I was more than up and ready to watch TV by the time the result came in.

It will be interesting to see the new Cabinet listings and see if people like Ian Duncan-Smith are left to continue their excellent work on reforming benefits. My preference is for Gove to be given Education back again, the teaching unions really need to be brought into the C21st. I will also look forward to the Boundary Reforms, that were attempted last time but scuppered when the LibDems broke their promises and voted against, can be set in motion.

All in all a really good result and a testament to the basic common sense of the electorate. There are problems in the system, SNP got 1.5 million votes and 50+ seats while UKIP got over 4 million votes and only 1 seat. Doesn't seem fair, but a basically good result for the country, especially without Balls and now Miliband has resigned so, theoretically the Labour Party can reflect on what they did wrong and rebuild. Though judging by their comments today the Labour Party feel their problems were caused by right wing media, negative campaigning(theirs was the most negative campaign, followed by the LibDems according to academic research) and so on.

The real problem the Labour Party needs to address is that they have taken their supporters for granted for many, many years and have no idea what they want. Too many Labour Party officials are metropolitan, Southern and from comfortable or wealthy backgrounds. Hardly representative of their constituencies, which tend to be Northern and poor! As was said in Scotland 'we didn't abandon the Labour Party, they abandoned us', which is true. The Labour Party has turned so inward and spouts so much dogma they have no connection with their supporters. We will see if they learn this, plenty of commentator have been saying the same all day, so they can't say no one has told them.

Update: well Ian Duncan-Smith has been left to continue his reforms of the benefit system which is really good news and while Gove hasn't been given Education back he has been given Justice and can get to work on reforming the Human Rights legislation to stop criminals using a 'right to family life' as a get out clause, even when they have deprived other people of their 'right to a family life' by murder!   I will look forward to seeing what happens.

The press and twittersphere have been in overdrive the past few days with the Left deriding the results and generally being unpleasant and nasty. As far as they are concerned anyone who voted Conservative is evil and only Labour should ever be allowed to win....only to be expected but, God what entitled babies!

Some people are too stupid to be allowed out on their own.

Well on Tuesday DP was supposed to be flying out to Poland, for work. He had the flight times and all that but managed to miss his flight as he got to the airport late and hadn't left enough time to get through security. Given the levels of security at airports nowadays what made him think he was so special he would be rushed through security I don't know.

I then got a text asking is he could book another plane ticket, we don't really have enough money but it was the only way he was going to get to work so I said he could. I didn't say he could spend £100 on an hotel room and get some Polish money! He has left us really short of cash, not that he cares he seems to assume cash will be there for anything he wants when he wants it.

I don't envy him the phone call to work explaining he missed the plane...though somehow doubt he mentioned it was because of his stupidity/arrogance in arriving late. I imagine he stressed the length of time it took to get through security...we all know it takes ages which is why you arrive so early!

He does have previous for being really stupid getting on a plane. He has packed a bag to get on a flight to Ireland that included his Wing Chun knives...he likes to pretend he is so dedicated to his martial art that he needs to practise all the time. Anyway, he got to check in his bag and, what a surprise, it was too heavy and he had to pay for the excess! What a moron his ticket will have said the baggage allowance he was allowed.

This time he has packed his new running shoes. He has finally decided, after many, many years of talking, to take up running and seems to think he will be doing the London Marathon next year. He went out running for the first time on Monday and was actually running for maybe 10-15 minutes. Given that it had been raining most of the previous day and the place he claimed to have run is notorious for being a muddy walk I expected him to come back covered in mud and with his shoes having lost that brilliant white newness. No his shoes looked pristine and still has their just out of the box newness. Not sure he actually made it out of the car park. Such a bull shitter! He has such a high opinion of himself, not sure why but he truly believes he is infallible and omnipotent!! You may get the impression its not an opinion I share!

Sense of humour bypass

I put up a thread on Mumsnet asking why anyone could bring themselves to vote Labour. I have many reasons why I could never bring myself to vote for them ranging from the arrogance of Brown and his handling of the economy in good times...ably supported by Balls and Ed Miliband, North Staffordshire NHS, the NHS in Wales, the education system, the toxic effects of benefits, their inability to make hard decisions about pension ages and of course the effects of political correctness in Rotherham and many other Labour run Councils. The rampant hypocrisy of much of the Labour front bench also turns my stomach.

Anyway I posted the thread in a fairly jokey manner mentioning Ed Miliband's inability to eat a bacon sandwich and other such silliness. While I do feel the incidents show how out of touch the whole Labour machinery are, having a photo opportunity with your leader eating a bacon sandwich to show he is a 'normal person' is a bit silly if he then eats the sandwich is a really dorky manner. Also given his Jewish background a bacon sandwich was a tad ill considered and slightly rude I felt. Also if you are photographed in your kitchen to try and portray you as 'normal' rather than mega rich its going to make you look stupid when it emerges the following day that this is not your actual kitchen but a second kitchen...yes really a 'normal' person then. Obviously non of this would matter if the Labour Party wasn't trying sooo hard to claim they are all 'real' people just like the rest of us unlike those evil, nasty Conservatives!

Anyway, as I guessed the posters on Mumsnet went ballistic and were foaming at the mouth about my 'reason's for not voting Labour. They had a total collective sense of humour bypass and totally failed to read any of my actual reasons and just went nuts over my...patently...'humorous'  reasons. Okay maybe my post wasn't as funny as I thought it was, humour is very individual after all but the vitriol that came out was out of all proportion to my comments. It has been noted by many commentators that when the Left disagrees with an idea they demonise it and will attack anyone who espouses the idea, often in unpleasantly personal ways. The Right tends to attack the idea but accept that people have different ideas and that holding a different view does not make you stupid or evil.

I still hope, a fairly unrealistic hope I know, that Labour won't win the election. They will given how skewed the electoral system is to them and the fact that so many people vote tribally and seem to believe the propaganda spinning out of Labour Party Headquarters...the last Government had nothing to do with the last Recession, even the economy is worse under the current Government, not sure how anyone believes that but there is no telling what a true believer will accept! My favourite silliness to come out of the thread was the belief, which more than one poster seriously seemed to think was true, was that Ed Miliband came from a poor background! Given his parents were both lecturers and his family lived in a big house on Primrose Hill in London I fail to see how 'poor' his background was!

Anyway I can certainly recommend stirring up the hornets nest that is Mumsnet by casting aspersions on one of their pet ideas and see how quickly they loose any sense of humour!

Getting my life onto an even keel

I haven't posted in ages because my son has been home from University and taking up ridiculous amounts of time. He has also been taking up far too much of my daughters energy! Neither are because he is anything other than polite, helpful, kind...but extremely lazy in the way boys can be.

He had the whole of his holidays to do work on a puppet he is making for his course...so while he did fiddle around with it during the 4 weeks he was home he didn't start doing any real work on it until the last week. Realistically the last 2 days. This resulted in me having emergency dashes to Hobbycraft to get him supplies and endless visits to town. All I can say is that my bank card is having a lay down in a dark room...poor thing is exhausted!

My daughter is also left beyond exhausted, not good as she is just getting over a nasty flair that has left her with significantly less energy than she had before anyway.

To add into the mix the youngest is doing 'Travel Training' so he can catch buses on his own and, theoretically, have some independence. He is finding the process extremely exciting and scary and he is acting up just a touch...read massively. As he is finding life hard anyway with changes coming as he moves to College in September he is volatile and hard work.

There have been various other stuff happening which has all left me with little time or energy to do anything. The prospect of Ed Milliband as PM as also sucking the life out of me...the embarrassment is just too much. The man is dreadful...heaven only knows why anyone would vote for him!

I will post again soon as I have plenty to say...always!...but will wait till I have spare room in my head

Things I'd love to say in real life

Mumsnet has a brilliant post on at the moment for things you'd like to say in real life but never will. I have a whole list of things I'd like to say so rather than filling up the whole thread I thought I'd take advantage of the fact I have a whole blog to say what I like and fill up a new, shiny blog post with 'things I'd like to say in real life but probably won't'

DP

This one has to come first as there are so many things I'd love to say. Where to begin. Well for today it would have to be stop the bloody heaving and sighing...acting all martyred is pathetic and gets you no sympathy or attention so not quite sure why you do it. Other than to feed your vision of yourself as an overworked and underappreciated hero obviously!
I would also love to tell you to stop with the endless list of stock responses to trigger words...I do not find it amusing that you respond to every mention of the word 'wheel' with a rendition of the wheels on the bus!..FFS your youngest child is 20! Grow up!! The endless wandering into song, recitation or whatever is pathetic and dull and just makes me want to scream...I know you think its clever, witty and amusing but believe me its not.
However the main thing I'd love to say...and which I have actually said more than once...is STOP speaking to our youngest as though you hate him. Constantly telling him to shut up and being so aggressive and belittling is emotional abuse and if I felt he was actually noticing I would have to throw you out. I'm not the only one who has noticed, a friend comments on it too and it offends her as much as it offends me.
Obviously the main thing I'd like to say is fuck off to the far side of fuck off and then fuck off some more! Everything else is window dressing.

DS2

FGS do some work...how you expect to pass an exam by stropping and tantruming I don't know! I know you have little realistic chance of passing because lets be honest you are not over burdened with brains. Maybe without your appalling start to life you would be more able to use your brain and actually concentrate, but non of that is an excuse for your refusal to do any work, revision, homework anything. I am afraid I have stopped trying to force you because I have as much hope of getting you to focus as I have of nailing jelly to a wall.
Another thing, where did this revolting entitled attitude come from? Its not pretty and will get you nothing from me...I am happy to let you have treats because  I love you dearly and think you are gorgeous but you are becoming spoilt and unpleasant.

DS1

A little enthusiasm would be nice...I am offering to drive to and from London in a day to collect you from Uni...after already booking and paying for train  tickets! I would kind of like some thanks, especially as your sister is having to do the day with me. Weirdly she is too ill to leave so is having to come too...it will be tiring for her but hopefully less stressful than a day on her own. Some gratitude when we send parcels wouldn't go amiss either. I know they are sent for our enjoyment but you can still say 'thanks' It costs nothing and would make my day!

DD

You rock. I know I tell you how proud I am but I'm telling you again, you are amazing...expensive to run, but so brilliant at coping with an appalling chronic illness that is deteriorating so fast. I get so much fun from having you around...just think without you I would never have got to see RuPaul's Drag race and how traumatic would that have been! A world in which I never got to see Latrice!

Mum

Honestly Mum you are so wrapped up in your own world you are really boring. I can tell you nothing because you really have no interest in my life or my children. We are not the showcase family you would prefer but that 'family' was unrealistic, I mean where was I supposed to be a petite blonde from!
I have no sympathy for your health problems, they are down to your 60 years of smoking and total lack of exercise.  It always seems rather creepy in a weird way to have to be so sympathetic for your health problems when you are so dismissive of my DDs problems. Only someone as narcissistic as you would dismiss her illness with the words 'no physical cause'. That was the moment you lost me. I will continue to mimic some politeness but not much and you might never see my DD again and my DS1 is not bothered to see you either. You are not someone they like...totally your choice Mum.

Dad

I probably still like you but its so many years since I got to talk to you, who knows. Mum doesn't like anyone to speak to anyone but her so we never get chance to chat. Your choice as you facilitate her behaviour. Shame about your lack of relationship with your GCs but not a problem I will loose any sleep over.

DB2

After you told me you didn't want to hear about my daughter...your niece...because it 'was too depressing' you lost any respect and pretty much any affection I ever had for you. I have tried really hard over the years to retain a relationship with you, not easy with the large age gap and our totally different life styles but I no longer bother. You don't seem to miss the contact which is fine by me, I have enough to cope with without worrying about your pathetic sensibilities.

DB1

Fuck you, you bastard. Why did you have to climb, or rather fall! When I next see you I will give you the bollocking of your life. I will never forgive you for leaving me. I struggle to remember the real you...its been 25 years after all, but I need you. I struggle without any real support...non from Mum or Dad and non from DP, and I would bloody well expect some from you. Even if was only someone on the end of a phone, or email, who I could rant to.

I can totally understand why the thread is so popular, its really good to be able to say all the things you'd like to but never can.

GMA & GPA

I love you more than I can say. I miss you but know that you would love me and be proud of me and would love my DCs and be proud of them. I was so lucky having you both and am grateful for all the love you gave me.

J.

Grow up and stop giving all your money to a drug addict. I know you are having a belated teenage rebellion but honestly you are taking the infatuation to extremes. You are totally being used and once he gets a better source of money, transport, attention, you will be dumped and no I don't believe all the bullshit about his dad sorting the money. Its all manipulation designed to part you from as much money as possible. Also I kind of despise you for letting down DS2 when you had made plans with him to come and clean with you but you then got a better offer to go and hand over money to the drug addict so dumped DS2. Sorry but that wasn't good. You are better than that.

where I live is becoming a slum

The area I live in was never great but when I first moved in it was fine. An area of cheap housing, speculative build in the 1930's, lots of terraced housing. A working class area with a history of migrants, Jewish families originally but then Sikhs and Pakistanis and a fair number of Irish. It was pleasant enough and friendly.

It has been deteriorating for years and I would love to have moved but we have never had any money so it was never an option, but the last couple of years have seen the area become a slum. The numbers of eastern Europeans is ridiculous! They seem to have families in double figures and the children all seem to live on the streets, even using them as toilet areas! The men congregate outside the bookies and pawnbrokers on the lane and the women shuffle around with children and mobile phones.

The back lane is getting to look more and more like the photos of slums in the early years of last century with young girls carrying even younger siblings around and toddlers out on the streets till late every night. The clothes have changed but the children haven't.

My youngest...who did live in a real slum before he came to live with us...complains all the time about the rubbish and how much he wants to move out the area! I am totally with him but its not going to happen, we still have no money and even if we did we are now too old for a new mortgage.

As a grandchild of economic migrants I have no real issue with people moving for jobs but the people coming seem to have no jobs, certainly they seem to be hanging around all day so I'm not sure when they are working, if they are! They seem to be living of benefits and that is wrong, for so many reasons and helps no one. The children don't seem to be in school all the time...not all cultures value education and the current migrants into the area seem to be ambivalent about education at best.

Not sure what the future holds but its not good, certainly not for my daughter as she gets increasingly ill. All the noise of children on the streets till late is not pleasant for any of us but actively dangerous for her and it does seem as though the scummier the children the louder they are!

And no, I don't think UKIP are a good idea...I just don't like migrants that have no respect for the area they live in, and those who don't work show little respect for themselves.

Less 'rights' and more 'responsibilities'!

Too much of society seems to be stuck on what 'rights' they have without ever considering the concept of 'responsibilities'.

Personally I reckon the problem stems from the massive overblown monster the 'welfare state' has become. Far too many people...like virtually everyone I know, seems to think 'the state' is responsible for ensuring they are housed, fed, educated, employed, everything. As though the state were some super over whelming 'mummy'...as omnipotent and omnipowerful as God is supposed to be. This 'super mummy' even has her own religion...the NHS! No one is supposed to criticise the NHS under threat of excommunication!

No one seems to feel they ever need to grow up and take responsibility for their own lives...any mistakes are someone else's fault...school, Police, 'The Government', 'The Council'...whatever just as long as they don't ever have to accept that as grown-ups they should maybe take control over their own lives.

This might all seem a bit nebulous but its a real problem. Until people actually grow up and look at issues as grown ups 'bread and circuses' gets voted for with distressing regularity. People all seem only too happy to vote for short term gains rather than look at the long term costs. Okay THEY won't have to pay for the 'bread and circuses', their children or even grandchildren will get the bill...so that's okay keep on voting for what ever you want NOW.

You only need to look at issues such a pension age. When pensions were first introduced people tended to live a couple of years, if that, beyond, pension age. So that was affordable. But when people can now be pensioners for longer than they work its totally unaffordable...especially for all those public sector workers who have amazing final salary pensions. The obvious solution is to have raised pension ages as people's live experience extended....but that is a politically unpopular idea so no one Party has been prepared to take any decision. The current Government has had to bite the bullet and man up and pension ages have now been increased...about time. But the whinging!

Another issue in the news currently is Muslim girls who have gone to Syria as 'Jihadi Brides'. The girls parents have blamed everyone except themselves. They are the girl parents but think other people...the Police... should have stopped the girls rather than the parents!

My gripe is that people need to grow up and take responsibility for their own lives and stop blaming everyone else!

Single parent..only I am supposed to have a partner.

I have three children. My oldest is twenty one and chronically ill with a degenerative condition, she is sufficiently ill to require full time care. Not always physical care, though I have had to take off her bra and knickers more times than she would care to think about...mostly its emotional care. Supporting her when she is in loads of pain or when her emotions are out of control and she's needing to offload, or just cry!
My eldest boy is twenty and away at Uni so doesn't need a lot of care as such but still needs his Mum when it comes to getting written work done, he skypes and dictates and I type. Its a system we worked on all through his High School career...though without the skyping then and it works for him. He also needs stuff sending, not just money, I also send him his comics down to London.
The youngest came to us when he was six and has lots of behaviour problems even now...though he is the loveliest, sweetest, most charming young man you could wish to meet most of the time. He is operating as an eight year old in a sixteen year old body which does cause problems and he still needs full time care.
Having a partner you would think all this caring responsibility would be shared, if not 50:50, I would get some support and not be doing it all. Well my partner does take the youngest to the gym and rugby and judo, which sounds good but he only takes him to the gym because he wants to go and he wants to do what he wants to do but still feel self sacrificing and noble. A win:win for him. He also loves the glow of self sacrifice he gets, and control as he can tell the youngest what to do, when he takes him to his other activities. Now don't get me wrong the youngest loves all this activity but doesn't really like my partner taking him places as my partner is too controlling and does, endlessly, shout at him. Its not just me who is offended by how the youngest is spoken to, a friend has noticed it too and finds it hard to hear. My partner will do the total Jekyll and Hyde thing where he is foul mouthed and unpleasant to the youngest one minute, calling him an animal and then two minutes later he will be all smiles and being 'best friends'. I almost find that the creepiest aspect of all! The way my partner treats the youngest is more reminiscent of how you would treat a pet or a toy than a teenager, as long as the youngest is doing exactly what is wanted everything is fine, but the second he suggests he has his own views or even worse wants to something his way all hell breaks loose. Not healthy or normal.
He doesn't speak to my daughter, I would say 'our' but he has made it very clear he wants absolutely nothing to do with her. He totally refuses to discuss her illness, if I bring up the topic he ignores me, abruptly changes the topic or walks away. He prefers not to be in the same room as her and, quite obviously, finds the fact that she sits in the living room intensely annoying....she is sitting on 'his sofa', in 'his spot', watching 'his tv'. When he decides she has been there long enough he will stand in the living room and hover, saying nothing to her, maybe speaking affectionately to the snake, in order to make my daughter feel uncomfortable enough she will leave and go to bed. Unluckily for him she is not so easily intimidated and ignores him back. He ignores when she is spasming, or struggling to breathe. The youngest has come to the kitchen to get me as he can tell when she needs more help than he can give but her dad will just ignore her and make no effort to offer any support at all.
The older boy has as little to do with his dad as he can manage...basically my partner will try to control him, telling (well more laying down the law) what he should do in any given situation. He doesn't ever have conversations with his son, he just talks at him, often being quite unpleasant as he dictates how his son should live his life.
Obviously, you are thinking, if he does no child care or support he does masses of other stuff round the house like shopping, cooking, cleaning. No he does nothing at all...he would cook but the children all begged me to stop him cooking as they dislike his food so much. I could hardly refuse such a heartfelt request so I cook all the meals...except 'make your own' on Fridays when my partner cooks up a large pan of what look like diarrhoea in a pan...not appetising at all! He has also been banned from doing any laundry as he ruined so many clothes...never his strangely enough but everyone else has had clothes destroyed by him. He seems to think wool can be boil washed and tumble dried...he is either stupid or nasty. I think a bit of both.
The only thing he contributes to the family is money...he earns about the same as I do, so really not a lot, but without the two incomes I would struggle for money, so he stays. If we split up I would need to move my daughter...not really a good idea given how poorly she is unless I could move her somewhere better suited to her needs. Without money that's not going to be possible. Also having children over 18 would mean I was entitled to few benefits which would make money just too tight to be readily doable.
I cope by emotionally divorcing him, the only way to survive as he has very narc tendencies and, if I let him, he would rule the house with his temper and moods. He did for too long as I tried to keep him happy. Then I realised his happiness or otherwise was not my responsibility and started disengaging from him. It means I can cope with having him still around...helped by the fact he is out virtually every evening until my bedtime and even when he is around in an evening I am busy sorting the oldest and youngest to bed. So I have to spend almost no time at all with him. I never attempt a conversation, I occasionally pass the time of day with him...the sort of nothings you say to someone in a bus queue. He knows very little about me or my life and even less about the older two children. He thinks he knows the youngest but he only knows his version of how his pet 'should be' rather than who he actually is.
He is the loser as he has no relationship with older two, they both despise him and he is loosing any relationship with the youngest. Its a shame as they are all amazing people who are enormous fun to be with and I am beyond proud to know them never mind be their mum.

Mumsnet...totally addictive in a weird way

I have tried Mumsnet before and not really found it very interesting. But I went back...boredom drove me to find something interactive and involving people I could read. As an aside I read all the time, I will read anything but prefer novels about real people. This can be sci fi, historic, anything as long as I can recognise the characters as real people and I can't hear the author all the time. My favourite novels include Lord of the Rings and my favourite authors include Heinlein and Jane Austen so as you can see my definition of 'real' is wide. I also read news/ political blogs and the headlines from online newspapers but there is never enough 'human interest' for me so I do go trawling the internet for more stuff to feed my addiction.

To get back to Mumsnet. Its a bit hit and miss to be honest, sometimes there are threads that are very compelling...like a good book when you just want to know how the story ends, but it happens in little bits and you have to wait for the 'story' to unfold. Sometimes its all a bit slow and dull. But its really interesting how reading the threads affect how I view my life.

I have always known my mum was hard work but I would now say she was verging on narcissistic and best kept away from. I had pretty much done that before reading all the threads but its helpful to read other peoples stories and see how they cope with parents way more toxic than my mum.

I have also come to the conclusion that partner is a verging on abusive...or rather he would be abusive if  I hadn't emotionally divorced him and so removed myself from trying to meet his needs/demands. He uses his temper as an attack dog to try and keep us all in line doing so he can stay in charge and we all have to do what he wants. Only I ignore him pretty much totally and certainly ignore all his huffing and puffing, which kind of takes his power away. Its hard to use the threat of sulking and making everyone's life miserable if you don't get your own way if you are being ignored and everyone else is taking you at your word that you are too tired and going out and having fun without you. He does plenty of other stuff...always having to be right is an annoying one. But reading Mumsnet shows me that he is a long way from as bad as he could be and really is liveable with. Not at all what I expected as many of the threads I read are about women saying how their partners behave and being advised to 'leave the bastard'.

Not that I wouldn't leave in a heartbeat if  I had the cash. Even harder now my daughter is chronically ill and needs stability and I need access to cash to make her life as easy as possible. So I stay and Mumsnet kind of validates my choice. Also some of the threads are fun and its good to share and the others are like the best kind of gossip....a real insight into someone else's life but as its all anonymous so I need feel no guilt for being nosey.

As I say totally addictive...at least for the moment.

Politics. Why do people's political views never seem to grow up?

With less than a 100 days to the next election we are being bombarded with endless political news and stories. Now I am really interested in politics, world news and all that kind of stuff. I read a number of newspapers...all online of course for free...and a couple of political blogs, but even I find the endless political stories hard work.

Mostly what I object to is the way political parties and the media warp the facts to fit their agenda... there are plenty of 'charities' that are only too happy to do the same! It is interesting to see how the 'left' and 'right' treat the facts at their disposal. In the main and weirdly given all that the media tries to tell us about how the left are morally superior, the left are far keener to lie and distort the facts into unrecognisable shapes than the right. The left also has a tendency to demonise anyone who doesn't totally accept everything they say.

However the main thing about politics that really gets me annoyed is how people seem to acquire their political beliefs as a student and then never modify these beliefs as they change, the world changes, even the parties they support change. It strange, I mean how many people keep the same style of clothes all their life, or listen to the same music or even eat the same food. We all grow and change as we mature and as we come into contact with new experiences. But, no, our political views are never allowed to change as we grow up and our lives change. The number of people I know who will only vote Labour because 'that's what our family always votes'. oh yes and you also live in a back-to-back with outdoor plumbing and wear a flat cap! No you live in a 4 bedroom house and holiday in Tuscany but would never dream of actually using logic when you vote. Its like all the Labour MPs with Trust Funds for their children and tax avoidance advice. Ok you can probably tell my main annoyance is against Labour voters...not actual Labour voters who have real beliefs and understand what they are voting for, just the ones who think it makes them morally superior to vote Labour regardless of their lifestyle.

A classic example of the sort of 'lack of thinking' I am talking about is my dad. Many years ago there was a by election where we lived and my Dad was actually interviewed for an opinion poll. One of the questions he was asked was which Party's campaign do you like the most? Labour. Which Parties policies will benefit you the most? Conservative. And then which party are you voting for? Liberal. To give him his due my Dad thought his answer was messed up which is why he told us all but it does show what's wrong with politics in this country. People don't vote for either for self interest or for what they believe in, instead they vote for some tribal belief in political identities which only exist in their imaginations.

Then there are all the constituencies in which voting is a waste because the same party will get in even if a shop store dummy stood, as long as it wore the correct colour rosette... I live in one of those areas and it sucks because it means we get crap MPs...some Party faithful who needs rewarding and will never vote against the Party line, whatever that is.

As I say I like politics and have opinions, as do my children...a whole other post...but some days I think its just me. Enjoy the next hundred days and lets see what the Election brings us.

Update on the stupidity of the NHS

Having, finally, been to get my Mirena removed all I can say is how does the NHS survive! Six months of appointments and scans, all costing the NHS money, and my Mirena was removed in seconds. All it took was the correct equipment! The tweezers...okay not the technical term...used was narrower than the normal ones used by everyone else and hey presto the Mirena was removed and no hysteroscopy needed. The poor Doctor who saw me was as annoyed as I was by the stupidity of the NHS...why use equipment that doesn't work! Why waste everyone's time over a pair of tweezers that probably cost less than £20, even at the inflated prices the NHS ends up paying.

I could rant on like for some considerable time but it gets repetitive, after all how many times can I say the NHS is a bureaucratic nightmare and really needs massive re organisation and some common sense! It clearly does not need more money as the amount of waste would pay for anything they currently claim is needed.

All big organisations get stuck in their ways and need to re-evaluate their organisational structures every few years to check for problems...I am currently having problems with Royal Mail over a customs payment I have made but which is not registered by them, they are not being helpful!

Anyway I will go for now and come back and rant some more later!

The delights of the NHS and why I am not surprised it's having problems

After surviving most of life with minimal contact with the NHS over the last 3/4 years I have gained a wide ranging knowledge of the in and outs of all the joys it has to offer.

First we had endless fun when my daughter developed abdominal pain and bleeding when she was 17, initially it was thought to be kidney stones. The hospital was very efficient checking out this but when it was shown to not be kidney stones we were pushed from pillar to post with no specialist prepared to take any responsibility for finding out what the cause was...or helping her deal with the extraordinary levels of pain she was experiencing. We even had one specialist draw us a picture of a kidney...not a good drawing I would have had to do better when I did O Level Biology...to explain that he only dealt with 'this part of the kidney'...yes he seriously did...so my daughters problems were nothing to do with him.

My daughter was treated with indifference, unpleasantness...if she wasn't cured she wanted to ill and she was messing up the hospital, and so on. She admitted to hospital twice so the bleeding could be monitored but nothing was checked either time. I could go on but basically the NHS did not cover itself with glory...one specialist said he was unwilling to do tests to discover where the blood was coming from as the tests would be invasive for a 17 year old. No concerns about leaving her in extreme pain, bleeding, but worries about testing! No though of actually asking what my daughter wanted! After all she was just a patient and therefore not a real person.

Anyway that is just background to my story about why the NHS is a bureaucratic nightmare and is, in my opinion, beyond saving.

I have a Mirena and as I am too old now to need contraception it seemed a good time to get it removed. The story now begins. In July 2014 I had an appointment with the nurse at the GP's practise to remove the coil. She couldn't find the strings in spite of what felt like good rootle around with some very cold tools. I was told |I would be referred to a gynaecologist for it to be removed. I got an appointment for the hospital in October...no rush obviously. The gynaecologist then had another good rootle around to discover...what a shock...that the strings couldn't be found. At this point general farce began.

I then need another appointment at a different hospital to have a scan to check the Mirena was still in situ. This was duly done and I then had to wait some more for another appointment with the gynaecologist to tell me the Mirena was still there and I would need ANOTHER appointment with yet another department to get the thing removed.  Talk about a bureaucratic monster! To add to the general mess my next appointment was made to the wrong department and I only discovered this when I turned up! Oh what joy...my next appointment was cancelled on the day I should have gone. No reason given but I wasn't too upset as I was full of cold and every time I coughed I leaked, as old ladies do, so an internal examination wouldn't have been fun. Six months since my initial appointment I am still waiting to get rid of the damn thing.

Heaven only knows what all this messing around has cost the NHS...it won't have been cheap and for what? I am still waiting for what I fondly imagined would be a quick appointment with a scan and the Mirena removed in one go.

It comes as no surprise to hear that the NHS is running out of money...any organisation that can piss away money as fast as they has done over a very minor matter can hardly be considered to be efficient! I am also not surprised to hear they are short of staff...the staff are all doing pointless appointments that achieve nothing, so obviously they have no time to actually, I don't know, treat ill people!

I am having similar problems getting a repeat prescription sorted. I send in the form and its returned saying I need blood tests before I can get the prescription. I give the dates I had the tests done and the date I saw the GP about the results and got my annual 'you should loose weight' lecture. No record of either so I have to waste my time and the GPs time going in to get a repeat prescription I should have had without all the endless messing around! What a total mess...supermarkets are not doing what customers want so are having problems and cutting prices to entice us back. The NHS doesn't do what any of us want and just get money thrown at it and the problems get worse, not good!!

Hello and let the ranting begin

Before I begin to rant and generally let off steam let me introduce myself. I have no plans to publicise the blog so if you have found your way here, welcome.

I am a 50something Mum with a chronically ill adult daughter requiring me to be a full time carer, I am sure more information will come over the period of the blog but suffice to say she became ill when she was 17 and went from being a highly independent, active, academic child to being practically bedbound. She deals with it as well as anyone could but its not easy for either of us.

I also have a son who has just started Uni in London. He is having a ball and seems to be doing well. I am so pleased at least one of my children is doing the what he should and leaving home!

I also have a foster child...pretty much adopted as we have had him 10 years and he will stay permanently as he is unlikely to ever be independent...incredibly crap parenting in his early life has left him damaged in many ways. In spite of all that he is an active child who loves sport and has a life enhancing smile. I wouldn't want him to change, though we would all be happier if he could control his behaviour but he thinks, and says, I look beautiful in my painting clothes...what's not to love!

I also have a partner, there is not much to say to introduce him as he will only feature as a rant. He was fine when we first got together but has become a complete prat. I did start ranting about him at this point but decided it could go on for a while and would be better left for another time.

In case you are wondering about the name of the blog let me explain. Obviously life is full of sh*t and there are days I feel we come in for more than our fair share. The other reason is an often expressed complaint by me over the working of my body. You would think after over 50 years my body would know that if I have a size 8 arse its no point producing a size 10 shit and expecting me to squeeze it out without swearing! I also want to know why my body feels shits should come with corners...it seems a strange design to me.

I am find it annoying that on days I am particularly busy my shit decide to play at being shy! I will be overcome by a gripping urge to dash to the loo, I'm well trained and comply only for my shit to decide its now in no rush and 20 minutes later is still thinking about whether it wants to come out of hiding. I then give up and go back to whatever I was doing only to have the same process repeated until the shit, invariably a rabbit dropping, condescends to emerge.

I can also wax lyrical about the delights of piles which bleed and fill the toilet with a dramatic amount of blood...that much blood really wants to be admired by a wider audience than just me but no one is going come and admire a toilet bowl full of blood. The best was a fart with a bleeding pile which left a scattering of tiny drops of blood all over the toilet...the sort of effect you see on TV when someone has been murdered in a particularly dramatic way...but totally wasted as no one wants to admire the artistic way the blood had been scattered.

Anyway, assuming you have managed to read so far without leaving in disgust, you now know why the blog got its name and also why I am needing to resort to blog to express myself.