Nothing is ever easy for us...DS1 is unable to look for a house and move out until he can drive, but he really doesn't want to drive so isn't pushing to get his license sorted. Even then he'll struggle to afford anything decent or in an area he wants to live. He is also getting burnout and is currently working and sleeping pretty much...I really think loosing some weight, he is VERY big and maybe even doing some exercise would help...not shaming his weight, I actually think his problem may be at least partly sleep apnea Life is hard.
DS2 is struggling with his behaviour...or rather we are struggling with his behaviour! He's being weird about wanting a girlfriend and is spouting incel rubbish. He's basically got the abuser handbook hardwired into his DNA and isn't a safe person. Shame as it's not his choice but it is who he is. He has recently started a new social group which may help. In looking for a social group Sarah.. the St Anne's worker contacted Social Services...all I can say is that Adult Social Services are even wetter that Children's Social Services. I am sure the guy is fine but he's very ineffectual and wet! Fortunately one of DS2's friends is in the Social Group and I got the name of the organising group from the friends mum and sorted it myself.
DD is finding life particularly hard...they have been focussing on eating carefully all year ...even to extent of weighing everything and noting it all down so we can track everything they eat. It has helped spotting foods they need to avoid...potatoes and soy products so far. But recently they have been putting weight on...4lbs in less than a week. Nothing they do is having any effect and its obviously not making them feel great. When your life is so out of control it was good to be able to 'fix' one bit. Now even that has been taken away from them. They started the careful eating to avoid another stomach flair and control the 2lb a day they were gaining in January but it all seems a bit of a waste now...though they have lost over 2 stone. Life is hard.
DF is incredibly, smuggly happy in his new flat and new life. We went over to see him on Saturday and he talks only about himself and his life...now that's partly because he is increasingly deaf and so doesn't always hear anything anyone else says, but really he's only interested in himself. He forgot DD's birthday...the 4th year in a row... no idea if he'll ever realise he's forgotten...or care! I have no respect for him and no affection. I do the bare minimum of daughterly contact and visits and that's only for my benefit...I'd feel ...not guilty but incorrect if I do nothing. But I certainly won't mourn him when he's gone or miss him. Weirdly I have, very occasionally missed DM...mostly when I've seen a story in the news I know she'd have appreciated. I certainly don't miss her as a person at all but I miss who she could have been, not sure that makes any sense. It's a real shame because I could really do with any family who actually gave a damn...life with DD and DS2 is hard and I someone who cared about me would be wonderful.
DP is as ... unpleasant, self absorbed, arrogant, nasty...pick any, all or none...he's someone I have no interest in ever speaking to or seeing. If the Police came to the door and told me he'd died I would struggle not to cheer...he is not a pleasant person to be around and fills every available space with his crap. The only reason we are all here is money. I am usually quite good at reading people...not always accurate but I get some impression of them. For him I get no reading at all...other than the self absorbed etc...it's like he's just not an actual functioning person on the inside so he has no inner life. Who knows...or really cares at this point! All I know is I loathe when he starts talking at me...every monologue ends up with him talking about himself...what he wrote on facebook...what he said at work ...what he thinks about any topic...he's tediously boring and seems to seriously believe he is a total mega genius and knows everything.
Haven't heard anything from DB in ages and I really don't care. When DF dies I can't see me ever seeing him again and it will bother me not at all.
The world seems to be going to shit...there are soo many problems with climate change, refugees wanting a life for themselves and their families, too many countries and politicians moving to fascism...its depressing and not going to get better anytime fast. Yes I am as pessimistic as I sound...I do look back at the world I grew up in and it seems easier and less brutal. The climate wasn't fucked and people...in my privileged world...could buy houses and have a life...life isn't like that anymore for most people. Yes I have a level of depression...I've had it for years, I used to walk through a cemetery years ago for one of DS2's therapies, and I would read the ages of death and feel jealous of those who died young. Life is hard.
