Christmas is approaching

Well we are into December already. Its been a glorious autumn, lots of beautiful leaves and the weather has been, mostly, pleasant. DD has managed to get out a few times, easier now her chair is finally sorted, not massively expensive luckily, just time consuming. Unfortunately she is flaring at the moment and really not well at all. Lots of time in her room dozing which she hates.

Had my parents over for lunch last week...God how much I despise my 'D'M, she is just such an arse. She was being very passive aggressive about not seeing DD, who just stays in her room when they come. She, DD, can cope with doing limited activities but being with people is just too much for her.  I could probably get DF to understand but DM is such a twat she can't comprehend anything that doesn't match her script, and her script definitely calls for adoring grandchildren. Her vision of the world is a long way from reality and non of her grandchildren would willingly spend any time with her...or indeed her children. I don't see my DB rushing to see her, or indeed to chat on the phone. He chats to DF, who actually has conversation, unlike DM. Anyway I will just have to say I'm busy any time if they want to come again before Xmas, I can't cope with them anymore. Luckily I've already agreed with DS1 that he will be going over after Xmas for the obligatory visit as DD is realistically too poorly for me to leave her for that length of time. DS1 used to stay but she needs more support now.

I have to say I'm marginally disappointed not to be at least a fly on the wall to see how DM reacts when she sees DS1, who now has a beard and a full arm of tattoos. She won't like it at all. He was also very heavy, something he is working to sort, but DM will be offensive because she always is. We have already sorted to play bingo by text with DD, DS1 and I all compiling a list of comments we think she'll make. We can then tick them off as DS1 texts with her latest offering and we can see who wins. I've also got my money on her phoning to pass on her rude comments to me on the grounds I will agree with her...in her script of how life should/will be. Personally I think the beard and tattoos both really suit DS1 and even if they didn't he is over 21 so is allowed to make his own choices.  The joys of having a toxic Mum!

DS2 is going through a stressful time at the moment, he is anxious about so many things

• becoming an adult and how he is supposed to behave and what the rules are
• who he should pick as his girlfriend, he is very popular in college and would happily 'date' all the girls...and indeed many of the boys
• is he a boy or a girl. gay or straight...we think he has fluid sexuality which takes some living with without all the issues DS2 has to contend with
• work experience and coping with how he'll be expected to behave
• he is sooo stressing about learning to drive and getting a car...realistically never going to happen but he won't hear that at all
• also because he is so stressed he is getting lots of stress leaking through from his early life which is just adding to the mix of rubbish he is trying NOT to deal with but is using ALL his distraction techniques to bury it all.

All in all not a good place for him to be. I am trying to get him some help which is, hopefully, going to kick in after Xmas. He did some work with this practise in march last year and they impressed me enormously so I'm hoping it helps him to carve out some space in his brain so he can breath!

DS1 is massively busy but seems to be enjoying life which is all that matters, fingers crossed he can get a job once his degree finishes and get on with his life...after all I need one of my children to have a 'normal' life.

DP is having loads of days off at the moment as he uses up his holidays. Its a real nuisance because having him home at weekends is bad enough without him flopping round the house and filling up the kitchen during the week as well. He really is utterly self absorbed, not a nice or pleasant person and incredibly dull when he starts pontificating...I was going to say talking but he does more than that. Its never a conversation because that implies people listening as well as talking where all he does is talk...hold forth really. He has no interest in actually listening, after all he knows more than anyone else about every topic under the sun o why would he need to waste his time listening to lesser mortals speak! As you can tell he's not my favourite person.

Xmas is pretty much all sorted. I've sorted all the Xmas presents, including what DS2 is giving to people. I've also ordered all the Xmas food I need which is good and will, hopefully, make for an easy time food wise. The actual holiday will be horrid as DP will be home filling the house with negativity and he will be getting annoyed with DS2 for no longer wanting to be his toy. DP needs more amusing than DS2 who can now keep himself amused. DP is not so good at that!

Thankfully Xmas only happens once a year and in another month it will all be over and we will be getting back to normal. My wishes for Xmas are

• DD doesn't flare too badly and copes with people being home and actually gets to enjoy some of it
• DS1 gets all the work done he is needing to organise and enjoys some of it
• DS2 copes without getting too overwhelmed and stressed and manages his behaviour...he is doing really well at the moments and I am really proud of him
• DP leaves for another woman, has a tragic car accident...whatever, just so he doesn't destroy Xmas for everyone else
• DM finally dies...she has been tantalisingly close so often but just needs to actually carry it through!

That's pretty much it...okay so not hearts and flowers but that's not my life!

Autumn musings

DS1 has an dissertation which needs massive amounts of research doing. He struggles to read academic texts and has always had me read them and feed the information to him. It works for us as I am happy to read anything, the problem this time is finding any time to actually do any reading. DD is needing lots of support at the moment, DS2 is on half term so around needing to be kept occupied and DP is off for most of the week. Its a week made in heaven!

DD is really struggling, not helped by the fact her wheelchair is out of action at the moment as the control mechanism is bust. We are still waiting for a quote to fix it and the top price if it needs repairing is eye watering. Annoying as it died just days before the contract with Motability ended and we bought the chair, so the repair bill is ours. Such is life!

DS2 is loving being back in College but is struggling with the idea of getting more grown up and the prospect of future independence. Obviously he doesn't bother articulating any of his anxieties he just acts out his worries in obnoxious behaviour. His main problem is that he is very gay, gender fluid to the point he may even be transgender and just can't accept this. In order to feel safe he pretends to be a totally cis normal man. He is incredibly jealous of two people in College who are able to express their gender identity more openly but he just isn't brave enough to be who he is. This causes him real problem but there is realistically nothing we can do other than let him know we love him whoever he is. DD pushes too hard, I feel, to get DS2 to express himself with make up and clothes, all of which DS2 loves but DD is a bit too relentless which ends up making DS2 more scared.

The prospect of having DP home, undoubtedly bored, for half term week is not a happy one. He has taken to tracking me down and talking at me. I have no interest in his dull utterances and work hard at not listening but it doesn't discourage him. I'm not sure he pays that much attention to other people so he probably isn't aware I'm ignoring him, though I'm sure he aware of my lack of adoration. He does seem to expect the rest of the world to take him at his valuation...the world's cleverest person who's every utterance is gold. Not a total narc but on the spectrum and getting more self obsessed all the time. He hasn't spoken to DD at all for at least a year, DS2 did call him out on it, which made me snigger. DP denied it totally but still has made no effort to actually speak to DD...though he did suggest the reason he ignores DD is because she ignores him. What a prat!!

DS1 is being totally awesome in London, he has found himself a D&D group which he is enjoying...it may not sound like much but DS1 pushing to get contact details for people he doesn't know and then setting off to somewhere new to meet up with new people to take part in a new activity...its so far out of his comfort zone its unreal. But his comfort zone has shrunk and he is now doing all kinds of stuff he would never have considered only months ago. My baby is all grown up and I'm so proud! He is without his friend from school, who had been working in London so they got to meet up to go to the cinema together most weeks. His friend is back in Leeds for now but DS is still going to the cinema and I imagine will end up picking up other friends from rugby of D&D to go with if he's bothered.

I am still going to the gym 3 times a week and really enjoying it, an odd concept but true. I'm seeing no change at all in my weight which is resolutely refusing to get below 12stone. Every time I get close I go off track and put on weight, so the block is mental as much as anything. But its also my body, this week I should have dropped below but even though I've eaten normally and been to the gym I have put on a few pounds. Its annoying but not a major issue and certainly not enough for me to give up how I eat now. I've been doing it for nearly 18months and it feels normal now, which is great. Even if I never get below 12stone I can live with it, I feel happier about how I look in clothes and feel healthier which is all good. I'm now buying clothes in brighter colours which is about time, I've spent most of my life hiding in dark clothes.

The fact I barely see DM is a part of why all this is working for me, she is such a negative person she invariably works to make me feel bad about myself. She and DF came over for lunch a week or so ago. They gave me a cheque for a decent amount, enough to give DD and DS1 a bit of mad money and get the last section of roof sorted, which was nice. She did start her rubbish about people recovering from ME and all the other stupid stuff she spouts. I told her how stupid she was and basically every time she said something stupid or nasty I shut her down. Should have done it years and years ago, but it took the break from her, and plenty of MN reading, to see how toxic she can be and how bad for me.

Also seeing less of my 'friend' J. She has been busy with her drug addict boyfriend over the summer and as DS2 has been totally banned from being with her son...who was feeding DS2 all sorts of rubbish about sex which were making him extremely anxious...its not been as easy to keep in touch. When I do see her she tells me all her news, worries etc and that's it. I can't tell her anything as she has no boundaries and is a bit like an emotional vampire feeding on other peoples lives. That sounds as though she's a nasty person which she isn't but certainly not someone I'd confide in. Anyway I'm not sure she wants to hear about my life...talking about her life and her boyfriend is far more important. I also am getting to kind of despise her...she spends unfeasible amounts of money on her boyfriend...she is married and the boyfriend relationship is not sexual (not by choice, J would love to be rutting like a bunny!) but he is her emotional all. That would be fine if she had the money spare but she doesn't and is spending money, and indeed time and emotional energy, on him that she doesn't spend on her sons which I think is appalling. Especially as her youngest is adopted and has behaviours issues...control and manipulation mostly because she has never put the time into working on his problems. He has been in trouble with the Police for sexting a 14 year old girl, who is patently vulnerable, and she does nothing to sort the situation. She talks about he son as the victim...he is 3 years older than the girl!, and is just assuming that he won't do it again. I have done all I can by banning all contact between him and DS2. The boy has shown disturbed behaviour for a lot of years but I let them see each other under supervision, but even that's got to stop now. Mostly because I just don't trust J to actually supervise and take her sons behaviour seriously.

A roller coaster end to the summer

Well DS1 has had a dramatic end to his holidays. The house he'd organised to share with friends fell through when the landlord pulled out. There was then a lot of messing around as they tried to find somewhere else but no one seemed to want the three of them. In a last ditch attempt to sort out somewhere for the three of them, with the other two guys agreement, DS1 phoned an agency, organised a viewing, travelled 6 hours to London to view the flat and get a tenancy agreed only for one of the guys to pull out at the last possible minute! DS1 was less than chuffed as you can imagine. Luckily he still has a place to live in London as the halls he's lived in for the last 2 years still had a vacancy but its not what he wanted. He was really looking forward to sharing with friends so he doesn't spend all his evenings in his room on his own. He was also very excited about the prospect of a proper kitchen he could actually cook in, the kitchens in the halls are shared and invariably filled with dirty plates as non of the other students seem to know how to wash up.

DS1 will be going down to London next Saturday, the absolute last day he can leave it as term starts on the Monday afterwards. Not a good end to his holidays. The friend who pulled out and messed up everything for the other two is not popular and is going to struggle to move on from this, especially as he really needs to be in London to do the kind of job in films he wants to do. Can't see DS1 and his other friend agreeing to share with him in the future so not quite sure how he expects to get down to London...luckily that's not my problem!

DS2 is finally back in college and much happier. The holidays were at least 2 weeks longer than he could cope with and his behaviour showed his anxiety and frustration. Not a pleasant time. He is still being a bit of a pratt...'I am a grown up and can do what I want' coupled with extremely silly and rude behaviour. He's just a joy to be around...not.

DD is really struggling. After all the excursions she did earlier in the summer she ended up having a couple of months of extreme pain and exhaustion. Lots of bone and nerve pain and a week or more of being bed bound. She's only left the house once in the whole of September! Not good for her and not her usual pattern for the M.E. which has previously been that she has better health in summer and more energy. She is still deteriorating steadily so I guess its only to be expected.

I have started going to the gym 3 times a week. I started at the beginning of the holidays basically so  I could get DS2 out of the house for an hour or so to give DD a rest and also to push DS1 to go to the gym as his asthma was really playing up and I though exercise would help. I have to say I was not keen on the prospect of exercising but I really enjoy it now and actually look forward to going. Any time I think I might stop going I only need to think of my Mum and with her shining example in front of me I know exercise is a good thing...after who would want to end us as horrifically unfit and ill as she is by being utterly lazy and eating crap...okay she also smokes which is not something I've ever done but the total lack of any form of exercise is a big factor in her ill health.

Surviving the holidays

We are still having a good summer, though massively busy. DS1 is trying to sort everything he needs for his 3rd year...accommodation, endless trials for what works for his project and he was hoping for a first draft of his dissertation.

DS2 is having a lot of behaviour/emotional problems which is hard work for the rest of us. Its a combination of the continuing fall out from the problems with the Police and the disruption in his routine because of the holidays. Also he is feeling very secure as DS1 is home so DS2 can actually let some of his defences down and let his worries escape. Though DS1 will be going back to London soon which is worrying DS2 causing more problems...as you can see he has a lot to contend with and is acting out all his worries as he doesn't have the ability to articulate them on his own. He is making some gorgeous cards though, when he can be bullies/bribed into making them, which does make him feel good about himself.

DD is still doing masses, going out for drives round Leeds Pokémon hunting and going out to the park and stuff. Its making her very tired but she's having fun so its worth it. We are hoping to go to the coast next week which will be fun. She will come back exhausted and ill but who knows, maybe she'll cope ok and she'll enjoy it so who cares.

I went over to Malton to see my parents a couple of days ago with DP and DS2, DS1 was in London and DD doesn't see my parents ever. The visit could have been worse, my DB was there so I chatted to him which was superficial but ok. We ate out which was certainly easier than DMs food which is hard work as you have to help prepare then over praise the food and the clear up and wash up and then work to escape. This time we arrived, late according to DM, went straight to the restaurant, ate and then left for home from the restaurant. The food was good, which DMs isn't, and the conversation was copable with.

DM did phone me later to complain my top wasn't well enough ironed...she is loosing all sense of what is appropriate. She is a miserable old woman for sure and struggles to say anything nice about anything. But it may well be my last visit to see them as DD really struggled being left alone even though it really wasn't a long visit...no worries for me I am more than happy to delegate the Xmas visit to DS1 instead!

Only a couple more weeks until DS1 goes back to Uni and then DS2 will be back in college in the middle of September which will please him. I do still enjoy summer holidays but I have to say I am looking forward to life getting back to normal as is everyone else. Unfortunately DP is off the last week of August/ first week in September which will put a damper on the end of the holidays but such is life, hopefully he will go off and visit people like his step Mum who he's not visited even once since his Dad died which I think is appallingly rude, especially given how lovely she is.

A really good week

Well DP has been off in Australia for work this week and its  been  wonderful. The weather has been hot and sunny, too hot really but we've coped.

The most amazing part of the week is how  well DD has been, she has been out virtually every day, usually in the evening to a local park but I can't remember how long its been since she was out so often. Her energy levels have been amazing! She reckons its partly the heat which is helping with joint and muscle pain, but also the fact that DP is away makes the tension levels in the house sooo much less which is a massive help. Just shows how toxic his presence is!

Pokémon Go came out this week as well which is another major factor in DDs miraculous achievements. She and DS1 were big Pokémon fans in primary School and DD in particular spent many, many hours playing with friends. So having the new game is like having a gateway into their childhood and is proving to be huge amounts of fun for them both.

We had a picnic tea one evening which was fun, even though DS2 was grumpy at the thought of going out. It was the hottest evening of the week but pleasant to be out. We also went over to Eden Camp Museum on Thursday so DS1 could take some photos of some puppets my Dad had given the Museum. The puppets are a big part of why DS1 is making Punch and Judy puppets for his year 3 project in Uni so he needed to see the display. DS2 was still in College, his last day which made it easier for us. We then went to Lavender World to have lunch and enjoy the views. All in all a lovely day...the cool breeze was an additional bonus.

On Friday we all went into town as we had some jobs to do. We ended up having lunch in town as DD needed a rest, she found the movement and noise and general visual overload just too much. Luckily the restaurant was near a pokestop and DD and DS1 managed to catch some good Pokémon which pleased them both.

DS1 worked through some more of his massive list of jobs he needs to get sorted for his year 3 project over the summer. We also went to the gym a couple of times...I have come to the unhappy conclusion that I need to get a basic level of fitness if I want to avoid my mums problems in old age. I am finding the gym less horrendous than I imagined so it shouldn't be a total pain. Going on a morning will also help keep DS2 occupied over the summer. Without College he will be struggling to keep himself occupied...he has a tendency to flop and whinge whatever activities he is offered.

But this week has been as close to perfect as we could have hoped...I hope the rest of the summer matches it!

The summer is going okay ...so far!

Well the referendum happened and my reputation as a political guru is unmatched...I got it 100% wrong again. The country as a whole voted quite decidedly to leave the EU with only London and Scotland voting to stay, so we get to leave. The Labour party seems to be hell bent on destroying itself with most of the front bench MPs resigning and more than 75% voting against Corbyn in a vote of no confidence. He is still grimly hanging on...what a surprise, so we will see what excitement the next few weeks bring. Cameron resigned as of October as Prime Minister so the Conservatives are looking for a new leader...non of the front runners would appal me which makes a change!

Other than that DS1 has come home for the summer and unlike previous years he is actually framing and sorting all the stuff he needs to do. Its been easier for him to work as DP has been working away quite a bit so he's able to put his stuff on the table in the kitchen to work on it and just leave it there rather than having to spend all his time tidying everything away so DP doesn't mess with his stuff or offer 'helpful' advise about what he 'needs to do'.

We have managed to get through an impressive list of jobs this year from sorting DDs stairlift and getting her triple glazing fitted to replacing the boys bathroom and sorting the last bits of the roof at the back. Some of the jobs have been on our 'one day' list for ages and its really good to see them being sorted. We now have a new list of stuff that needs doing, naturally-

• get the front of the roof sorted and pvc put over the front of the loft extension
• replace the computer
• buy DDs wheelchair when her contract runs out
• sort a new car via Motability for me
• sort the deposit and first months rent for DS1 in London...he's moving into a shared house with friends - assuming they ever get their act together to sort it
• replace the cupboard doors in the kitchen
• replace the windows in the attic...DS2 has broken the locks with a pair of scissors so badly the whole windows will need replacing.

I'm sure other things will be added to the list, like paying for DS1 to pass his driving test, but having worked through the last list the new list is less daunting than it might be.

DS2 is mostly sorted having been moved over to Adult Social Services and the money is starting to come through. The whole thing is a total scam as DS2's money comes from Housing Benefit, he is classed as a lodger though he a patently not. He is also paid Income Support as a disabled person, which he isn't really, and this money is then paid to me to support him. Fostering was simpler and more honest but at least all the paperwork is done and DS2 is now, with his new name, settled here for as long as he needs.

However the best bit of the summer is DP being away so much! Its made everything so much easier. He is off to Australia for just over a week soon and we are all looking forward to that enormously. Unfortunately once that's over he's home pretty much the rest of the year but at least he doesn't have any holiday booked, well not more than an odd day or two so I'm sure we'll cope. He is just so dull and boring to have around as he has absolutely nothing to do and no interests so just flops and heaves and sighs. Its pathetic it really is.

Unfortunately DD is still deteriorating quite sharply and is almost totally house bound now. We may have some days out over the summer but are unlikely to manage many. Its a real shame as DD still wants to do so much but her illness places severe limitations on what is possible. Still we manage what we can and enjoy what we do.

My DM is steadily getting increasingly ill, still smoking, but still shows no signs of dying yet. But hope springs eternal. DM is delusional, she was informing me of a family party in September and letting me know I would come but DD wouldn't....having a severely ill granddaughter is an embarrassment for DM I guess. The best though was when I mentioned DS1 wouldn't be able to come as he would be back in London by then...my DMs response...'we'll see!' as though she can dictate what DS1 does...the woman is batshit.

But anyway the rest of us are looking forward to a fun summer, hopefully saving lots of cash to work through list 2 of 'one day' jobs! As well as doing fun stuff and eating well!!

I'd like to live in a Nevil Shute novel

I am increasingly finding my life not so much hard but very unsatisfying. I have a DP who is absolutely no support at all, he never acknowledges the stuff I do or is even particularly polite to me. To be totally fair I pretty much ignore him but that's my way of keeping my sanity and protecting me again all his petty nastiness.

My parents are of no use even just to chat to. Neither of them hears me if I say anything about myself. They only listen to stuff about themselves of whatever boring topic of conversation they have decided is happening. Its a real shame as I could really do with some safe space to vent occasionally.

My DB2 is a totally out of the picture. I decided this year that I wouldn't initiate any contact with him, I would only respond to his communication and at the level he dictated. Well I have had 1 text saying a birthday card for DS2 would be late and 1 email responding to mine when I let him know the card had arrived. So he is obviously really keen to stay in touch. To be honest he's not much of a loss to me I've never had a great relationship with him, he is 8 years younger and was away at school and I left home when he was still quite young. That makes it sound as though I never made any effort to be a good sister...I did loads for years to keep in touch and have a relationship with him. I kept working at the relationship for years after it was apparent he wasn't that bothered...after all I am the 'big sister' and he is my 'baby brother'. I gave up when he told me he didn't want to hear about DD because it was depressing. Still makes me cross and it must be at leas t2 years since he said it...I told him at the time how hurt I was but it made no difference.

That's just the family stuff. In the wider world there is a referendum about whether or not we stay in Europe, the result may be tight but its pretty much guaranteed that 'stay' will 'win', however much the results need to be amended! The Government and those who want to be in Government all seem to want us to stay and so spout endless horror stories about the Armageddon that will be unleashed if we have the temerity to vote to leave the EU.  Its all very depressing as Europe is dying under a never ending flood of economic migrants who have no desire to work or conform to Western ideas of how to interact with women or children, a sickening number of sexual attacks and such like. As well as lots of crime. Its all so horrible and with all the stuff that's going on in my life I'd just like one area of my life, or indeed life in general, to be decent and honest.

So I want to live in a Nevil Shute novel where people are decent and do their jobs and basically act like grown ups. Where no one scams the benefits system and Social Services don't want to produce uncounted reams of paperwork but not be bothered to sort the basics like paying me! A world where people have a moral code and live by it. I just want a world where people take responsibility for them selves and 'celebrities' aren't looked on as icons and people value something other than money and material goods. Okay it was a fantasy in the 1950's but its a good fantasy and I am sick of the world being so 'me, me, me'.

In a recent atrocity a Muslim gunman killed 49 people and injured 43 others at a Drag Bar. He was apparently a closet gay and presumably decided to sort out his conflicted feeling by killing as many people as possible, in the name of Islam or course! It just sickens me that this kind of evil can exist in a world where there is music so beautiful it makes tears come to my eyes. There is so much to love so why do people need to hate so deeply they have to kill. It sickens me it really does. As does the self serving rubbish any number of commentators spout as they try to 'claim' the shooting for their particular hobby horse.

My other favourite fantasy as I'm going to sleep is Yellowstone Park erupting in a massive explosion that causes massive problems worldwide. This then leads to an enormous pandemic which wipes out large swathes of the population of the world...ok I'm officially a sick and twisted individual but the world is killing itself. How can we have one of the world's fastest growing economies (India) killing women because their dowries aren't large enough to compensate for them being dark!!! Or rape being so incredibly widely acceptable across the country. A world where some mass murdering nut job thinks it okay to go into a gay bar and shoot people! The gun man appears to have potential links to Islam, that's even more sick Islam was never meant to be a religion of hate.

My mum was never a great mum

There have been a number of threads on Mumsnet recently about toxic parents and how to cope with them. Also a fascinating site analysing the dysfunctional thinking, and behaviour, of some toxic parents whose adult children have gone NC.

Its made me think again about my mum who is no where near as bad as some of the examples but was never great. To illustrate my point a random list of incidents I remember from my childhood.

• When  I was about 5 I had terrible ear ache and ended up having an operation to sort out the problem . I remember taking myself off to bed one afternoon because the pain was so intense. My mum remembers this as me 'making a fuss'...she recalled the time recently when I had an ear infection that resulted in my ear drum perforating.
• My mum told me when I was younger that 'no one would ever call you pretty'. She now insists she didn't mean it 'that way', there is really only one way to mean a comment like that and she was being nasty and unkind, I was there and I remember clearly.
• I had 'flu when I was about 12, maybe 13, and was in bed for 3 days. I don't remember anyone coming up to check me at all or see if I needed anything. I may be editing my memories but I don't think so and it does fit with mums behaviour.
• When I was about 10 a man attempted to seriously molest me. I was lucky enough to escape because some people heard me screaming and came to help which meant the man ran away. I then walked home, with my little brother in his pushchair. When I told my mum about the incident she laughed. The people who'd come to help followed me home, I was way too scared to speak to them even typing this now over 40 years later and I can taste how terrified I was. They told my mum about the incident and instantly mum was very upset and phoned the police, but it had only been me telling her nothing would have been done. I also don't ever remember mum talking about the incident or asking how I was coping.
• Throughout my entire childhood my mum made it abundantly clear that I was horrendously fat, looking at photos  I was a slim child and actually quite pretty, though I really did need a brace for my teeth! When I was 14 I decided to loose weight as  I was obviously so hideously obese I needed to hide away...well I was as far as my mum was concerned. I weighed 10st 7lbs which wasn't massively overweight, even in the '70's! But I did have a curvy figure which my mum can't have liked. I had to deal with a lot of sexist comments that I really didn't like and I struggled to cope with. Anyway I ate a scarily bad diet for a few months and lost 2 st...how I avoided anorexia I will never know. As a parent of a daughter I am staggered that my mum was happy for me to eat the way I did. I don't recall any comments from her about my weight loss, maybe she didn't notice! Anyway I inevitably put all the weight back on again really quickly plus and extra 2st. In many ways I was almost happier to have the extra weight as it made me pretty near invisible, and made my mum unhappy!! Though I did spend the next 30 years dieting on and off.

I am sure there will be have been any number of times my mum was amazing but I can't remember any. My brother was her favourite and my little brother was young enough to need more attention so I was left to my own devises a lot. Which was obviously a good thing in hindsight.

I put up with loads for years...after all she was sad after my brother died, she was poorly and needed support and so on there were always reasons why she had to be the centre of, not attention as such, more 'need' ...her feelings were important and everyone else's not so much.

My dad is a total enabler and still thinks she is amazing and was incredibly happy when the hospital managed to keep her alive last year...I was not so chuffed!

I am now very low contact and tell her nothing of any importance, I have more meaningful conversations at the check outs in Asda's! My DD and DS1 are both NC, not officially but they are neither of them prepared to see her. They still keep up a basic pretence of happy families in that they accept birthday and Christmas presents and write 'thank you' letters. But my DD is just too poorly to cope with the drive over to see them even if she wanted to and the last time they came here and saw her my mum sat in the living room and expected my DD to entertain HER...god she is such an entitled bitch! So anytime they come over DD is in her room. DS1 chooses to stay at home and look after his sister anytime the rest of us go over to my parents house. Mostly its because he is really angry with how rude mum has been over DD's illness but its also because he finds going to see his GPs intensely boring...which it is!

I realise that this account is utterly one sided and the incidents listed are all a bit silly but its hard to find the words to say what is wrong with the relationship when  I've not any other experiences of being mothered to compare it too. All I know is that she is a miserable, whingey bitch who never seems to have a good word for anyone. She will find the worm in every apple, even apples someone else is eating! I am certainly making the right decision to keep her way from DD and to keep contact as low as possible. Its a real shame as I could really do with someone to vent to when DD is really poorly but I don't have that mum, any conversation has to be about her or what she wants to talk about. So be it, she looses out as she doesn't get to know her grandchildren who are all utterly awesome and perfect, and no I'm not biased they are perfect!

Obviously if the relationship was discussed from my mums point of view it would be very different but I'm not interested in her version of my childhood. She certainly isn't interested in mine, or in me come to that.

Another thought I have been reading a lot about narcissistic parents and one theme that really resonated with me was the idea of not wanting to take up too much room. I totally do the trying to retreat into the background and become invisible. I also struggle to accept any praise, or really even thanks, as I find any attention paid to me incredibly difficult to cope with. I am used to my mum sucking up all the attention so I was always ignored. Its weird that I'm only just realising some of this and I'm over 50! In  some ways its because I see her so rarely now I have enough space in my head to let the thoughts slowly seep out. Such a shame that its taken me all these years to recognise how much my mum's toxicity affected me and how it impacted on my choice of partner and why I was so passive in the face of low grade emotional abuse for so long. I was trained to ignore my needs and emotions and only view other peoples emotions as having any validity.

Having said that having a very firm grip on my emotions and being able to switch them off at will is proving immensely useful with coping with the demands DD places on me as her illness continues to deteriorate.

DS2 is nearly a grown-up...in theory anyway!

DS2 will be 18 at the  end of the month. He is convinced that this will make him a grown up and that he will be able to do exactly what he wants and I won't be able to tell him what to do any more! He is sooo delusional. He may be 18 on the outside but he is maybe 8 on the inside if I am being generous.

For his 18th I sorted him changing his name so he now has a new middle name and his surname is now the same as me, DD and DS1. His original name was exactly the same as his first dad and for very valid reasons that never pleased him. His first comment when he got his new name finalised was 'now social services can't ever take me away'. I was really upset that he has obviously had a buried worry all these years that I've never noticed, poor little soul, I felt like the worlds nastiest mum! He will be pleased once things like his bank card get his new name on and his bus pass. I have sent out a pile of letters notifying people his name has changed so hopefully it will be changed soon.

I have also got DS2 a pile of Lego for his birthday, at his request. DS1 has sorted coming up from London for the day...its a nuisance for him but had to be done. As far as DS2 is concerned DS1 being there will over shadow everything else and totally make his day. We are keeping it a secret, not totally sure that's a good idea but DD and DS1 both want to surprise DS2 so I'm keeping my lips closed.

DD and DS1 have got DS2 some new trainers and a couple of shirts for his birthday which he will love...he is a completely vain and adores admiring how gorgeous he looks so loves new clothes. My mum tried to give DS2 a cheap second hand phone...my dads old phone which he lost and then found again after he'd replaced it...strangely enough DS2 refused the phone, he has an iPhone! So heaven only knows what my parents will give, for DS1's 21st they gave him £20 so they are not noted for their generosity...though to be fair they did give DS1 a lovely watch for his 18th and gave DD a pretty necklace for her 21st.

DP will presumably give absolutely nothing, just as he did for DS1 and DD's 18th, 21st and indeed every other birthday and Christmas! He doesn't even do cards...what a twat he is! He doesn't even bother asking what I give! Yet he still thinks of himself as the worlds most amazing parent, I would imagine if he was asked he would consider himself to be DS2's most important parent...important is the wrong word, though definitely DP's favourite way of thinking about himself. I imagine even he is not deluded enough to think he even has a relationship with DD. He won't have spoken to her in months, that's not having a conversation talking, that's saying 'good morning' talking. He won't have spoken a single word to her in months and hasn't had a conversation with her in years. He probably deludes himself into thinking he still has a relationship with DS1 as he still gets to collect him from Uni and drop him off after holidays...its only twice a year, collecting DS1 in June when he has to vacate his room and then taking him, and all his gear back in September. Still that's enough for DP, DS1 hates having to be in a car with DP but my car is really not big enough and DD is now so poorly I just can't leave her for a long day to drive down to London and back otherwise it would definitely be me collecting DS1.

The year continues to be sh*t

Well DS2 finally got interviewed by the Police...2 hours!!! And they eventually decided they wouldn't pursue the case, not I think because they believe he hadn't done anything wrong but because they couldn't pressure him into agreeing with their version of events. I have absolutely no respect for the Police at all in how badly they have handled this whole incident. I had planned to write a complaint listing the many ways in which they had messed up

• not speaking to College to assess the complaints validity before they decided DS2 was guilty and they would pursue the case to its ludicrous conclusion
• not contacting me as his carer or his social worker when they decided to ban him from College, or indeed when they got the complaint or when they decided to pursue it. This should have been a basic requirement given he is a vulnerable child in Care. They really have no clue!
• not informing anyone concerned..i.e. DS2, College, Social Services, me, about anything!
• not understanding that DS2's actual trauma was at least as valid as the complainers 'potential' trauma. This is a major one and totally demonstrates the mind set of the Police, DS2 was a 'perpetrator' and so should be punished whilst the complainants were 'victims' and so needed to be pandered to. Even when it became blindly obvious to everyone, except the Police obviously, that the complaints were malicious fantasies the Police couldn't change how they dealt with the incident as their minds are just to slow and inflexible.
• not communicating with the College or Social Services when they decided not to pursue the case anymore, even though they were demanding, with no rational given, that Austin stay under total supervision. They are ignorant to a level I have never experienced previously

Anyway after dragging through 3 months of Police crap I decided it would be a total waste of my time to send a complaint as the Police don't have the intelligence to actually read and process anything I wrote and they certainly don't have the ability to reflect on their processes and perhaps accept that they could have handled things better and maybe their processes need to be amended.

DD and I had both found dealing with DS2's unbelievable levels of stress with being off College and  the very leisured way the Police dealt with the case hard. DS1 came home from Uni with a cold which we all caught, DS2 was better in  a few days. DD and I not so much, it was a crap cold anyway but we took it to extremes, I ended up with a perforated ear drum which is proving less than fun. DD has just been really poorly, very little sleep because she's coughing and generally feeling deathly. We are finally getting over the cold but its not been fun. DD had to postpone a hair appointment(which she seriously needs) because she was way too ill to go, not sure how I'd have coped driving to be honest.

My DM has been in hospital again, another ambulance ride to York because she couldn't breath. Given she is still smoking I have zero sympathy for her. She is also loosing all filters so becoming even more self centred and unpleasant than before, all conversation is about her so very dull and she is endlessly snide and unpleasant. I did a tally chart once when she was on the phone totting up all her snide comments, practically everything she said was nasty. I will be overjoyed when she finally dies as far as I am concerned the sooner the better!

DP will be doing a job in Australia this summer which is great news for us all as he will be away for at least a week and so we get a holiday from him and can do fun stuff. It also means he'll have less holiday as the only way he can fit this job in is to use his leave time to do it, a double win for us as it means he has fewer days to be flopping around at home being bored and boring.

So while the year is still not picking up and sh*t continues to fall on us the year should pick up and we will, hopefully, have some good luck in the rest of the year.

The Police take incompetence to whole new levels

Well we are still waiting for the Police to make a decision as to whether DS2 can go back to College while we wait for them to get round to interviewing the people involved. Its now nearly 7 weeks since the original complaint! Hardly demonstrating any sense of urgency. In spite of my frequent intersessions on DS2's behalf, explaining how damaged he is and how traumatising all of this is and Social Services also getting involved as well as a Solicitor I contacted (who worked for free as he was so appalled), we are still waiting for the Police to decide what is happening.

I have finally got a tentative possible date for DS2 to be interviewed which is another 2 weeks away...by which stage he will remember nothing and neither will anyone else. I cannot begin to express my levels of anger and disgust that the situation could be so badly mishandled. The mistakes made by the Police are endless.

• they failed to contact either myself as DS2's foster carer or his Social Worker when they initially said he had to be off College, even though he is a minor and is classed as vulnerable as he is in Care and has learning difficulties.
• when I contacted them I was given no information, i.e. when he would be interviewed, when he would be back in College....basically anything at all.
• The Police failed to contact Swarthmore to discuss how DS2 could remain in College even when I and his Social Worker stressed how damaging all the disruption was, even though a Risk Assessment meeting was supposed to be organised by the Police at the end of January. 
• The Police failed to involve Safeguarding who should have been involved as DS2 is still in full time education. To be honest Social Services also failed on that one. I was the one who contacted Safeguarding.
• The Police are bending over backwards to ensure the alleged victim/s are not potentially traumatised...their words but without the alleged!... while totally ignoring the actual trauma being done to DS2!
• When I finally managed to speak to somewhat who claimed to be able to make a decision I was so badly patronised it was unreal. The woman had obviously worked in a call centre previous to joining the Police because every time  I asked a question or interrupted her...to say stuff like 'yes I understand'...she just went back to the beginning of her speech and carried on. She was clearly not firing on all cylinders as she phoned me on my home phone and then checked if I was out shopping! Not overly bright.
• Swarthmore are as annoyed by all this as I am and seem to have experienced similar levels of rudeness from the Police, weirdly Social Services were impressed by the professionalism of the Police...maybe they are treating us differently!

Anyway it does seem...finally ...as though everyone is moving in a similar direction and, fingers crossed, DS2 may be allowed back into College sometime next week...not before time. He still may need to be interviewed by the Police but we will cross that bridge when we get to it. Swarthmore very clearly feel any complaints against DS2 are malicious or fantasy and given that they know at least one of the people involved I bow to their superior knowledge. It will be interesting to see how the Police react if it becomes plain to them that the complaints have no validity...I won't expect an apology but I will enjoy seeing how they weasel word their way out of the situation!

I will certainly be writing a formal complaint once its all over and letting them know just how badly their system fails vulnerable people. Honestly nothing they have done suggests they view DS2 as a real  person, the 'victims' are real but he is just supposed to stay invisible and in suspended animation until they decide to move. Very poor!

We will see what next week brings...certainly the last few weeks have been horrible. DS2 worked really hard at coping with all the disruption but then, more than a week ago, 25/2/16 to be precise, he hit a wall and just couldn't cope any more. The poor kid isn't sleeping, he's reverted to behaviour we've not seen for years its been dreadful. All this stress has also impacted badly on DD who has been in huge amounts of pain and flaring madly. My kettle has had to work so hard at providing me with sustaining cups of tea it died. A really bad period...and all caused because the Police are incapable of acting or seeing people as real!

DP has been told about the situation, mostly by DS2 who initially didn't want him telling but then couldn't avoid talking about it, hardly surprising as it filled his world. Anyway DP was away for a night with work knowing that I was fighting very hard to get a response from the Police, so when he came back he obviously asked how it was all going and what progress had been made....no of course he didn't. He talked for about how wonderful he was and bored on about who said what to whom and said not a single word about DS2! He is such a massive support to me, not.

Update: the Police have finally phoned to say that DS2 can go back to College on Wednesday 9th March...over 7 weeks since the original incident. Still no date for the interview and no, even tentative, timetable for how long it will take for the Police to then assess the information from the interviews and decide what, if anything, they are going to do. Oh the Police just continue to impress me so much words fail me.

Update 2: well the Police finally got round to interviewing DS2 on 26th March. We had a solicitor there as I had no faith at all in the Police actually having any interest in being fair or listening to DS2 tell the truth. I very much felt they had decided already what they felt had happened and had already condemned DS2. I didn't go into the interview...there is no way I could have kept my mouth shut when the Police started talking rubbish...as indeed they did according to DD who did go in. The solicitor was more than happy for DS2 to speak for himself and say anything as he could tell from DS2's account of the incident that he had done nothing wrong at all. The Police spent nearly 2 hours interviewing DS2 trying to make him admit to their version of events. According to the complaints against DS2 he had grabbed 2 girls by their vaginas...not his style at all. The girl he'd kissed claimed DS2 had dragged her down the stairs and tripped her and banged her head before kissing her against her will. Not a believable tale given that no one was supposed to have noticed this! Anyway even the Police couldn't make anything of the incident much as they patently wanted to. They still took a week to email me to say they wouldn't be taking the matter any further but still wanted DS2 to have the additional supervision at College, but gave no reasons why they wanted this. Also neglected to mention any of this to College. Honestly it would be hard to find an organisation more ignorant or arrogant than the Police. Really glad its all finally over...11 weeks from beginning to end. What a total nightmare!!

My year so far

Well  2016 has already proved to be less than good. DD was flaring from Xmas and all the stress that was associated with that...DP being home for 12 days being a major source of stress for all of us! DS2 being off College for 3 weeks was also exhausting as he gets silly and bored at home. He was also obsessive about getting a screen for his PS2, that 'Santa' got as an extra Xmas pressie, which was beyond hard work! Anyway as a finale to her flare DD had Norovirus so we had a week of vomiting and shitting bile...not fun. She was very poorly indeed and the second night I didn't bother getting undressed as I was under no illusions I'd get any sleep...I didn't...and I also didn't fancy rushing to get dressed if I had to phone for an ambulance! Anyway DD survived and is slowly, very slowly, picking up. Though 2 weeks on she still gets tired very easily and is still suffering with mild depression after being so ill. What a great start to the year!

DP was a total arse when DD was ill...he asked after her ONCE...the night after she was vomiting constantly. Other than that he didn't mention her at all. He and DS2 went round to a friends and DS2 mentioned how ill DD was but DP said nothing...he is such a crap parent and indeed a crap person. How he squares his behaviour up with his highly inflated opinion of his amazingness I do not know but I am sure he does as he still worships himself.

Social Services have FINALLY sorted DS2 being moved over to adult services, about time he will be 18 in 4 months....they have been 'sorting' this for well over a year! Too many departments and committees all wanting to be involved. Anyway I now have a pile of paperwork I have to wade through, including such delights as a 'community connections map'...I despise such crap wording. Its there to make people feel important and clever and its so pathetic. Paperwork for the sake of paperwork always makes my blood boil and this all seems such a waste of time...I have been caring for DS2 for 11 years and now have to wade through a morass of waffy paperwork to get approved to continue doing what I have been doing for years...I think that pretty much defines 'pointless paperwork'. I have sorted most of it and will get the rest done but I resent having to jump through hoops to do a job that no one else wants to do and which no one wants me to stop doing.

DS2 has also had an overly exciting start to the year. He was getting a load of texts and voice mail messages from a couple of the other students at College. We deleted them and blocked the numbers. One in particular was very inappropriate, lots of 'I love you' messages and sexual stuff. As it was over the holidays I didn't email College about it but did tell DS2 to stay away from the people involved. Well obviously he didn't and when one of them offered him the chance to go off and have a snog and grope he was only too happy to go...even though he ostensibly has a girlfriend...he is such a 17 year old boy, all hormones and no brain! Anyway the other student decided after the snog that she was upset and went to complain to a member of staff...they told me but weren't too bothered as it had been mutual. Her parents though decided to go nuclear and phoned the Police...apparently they have done this previously, they must be nutty! As a result DS2 was off College for over a week while it was all  sorted out, not because he was in trouble but to stop him being wrongly accused of anything in future. Unfortunately DS2 didn't see it this way he saw - off College= big punishment= I have done something really bad. He was incredibly stressed and worried he was in trouble with the Police, College would be cross with him, no one would like him when he went back and so on. He was having problems sleeping...he came to see me at 2.30am...he had back ache and stomach ache that were totally caused by the stress. Fortunately he went back to College in time to share a box of sweets to celebrate his 11th anniversary which pleased him and once he saw he wasn't in trouble and everyone still liked him he was fine, but it was very hard while he was off.

Other than that its not been a dreadful January...no snow or ice which is good. No massive stress over money which is unusual in the extreme, but pleasant! We are sorting to get a stair lift for DD as she is finding stairs increasing hard. I mentioned this to my parents...not a good idea. DF was all 'I will give you the money now, I will do ANYTHING to make life easier for DGD'...he has said similar before and then back tracked so I don't trust it, but he feels good saying it. DM  has been stressed in case I do take up the offer as she feels any money should be spent on her and why is anyone paying attention to someone else's illness when they should be focussing on her. I ignore as much as possible and will, eventually, learn to tell them nothing!

I am hoping the year improves but I've no great hopes. I'd love to be proved wrong!

Update: well the year is not improving. The Police decided after DS2 had been back in College and calming down again that he shouldn't be in College until they could get their act together and have a 'meeting'. Given no one has spoken to either me or DS2's Social Worker about the ...decidedly minor...incident I am not sure what the Police are doing and who they think they are protecting. God they make Social Service look efficient! To make it worse the person (not) dealing with the situation issued her orders about DS2 not being in College then went off work for 4 days! I am soo unbelievably angry about the situation, the damage its doing to DS2 is unbelievable and so unnecessary. He and the other person involved in the incident were happily playing dominos on Thursday so she is hardly traumatised by it all....but DS2 is now massively traumatised! What a sh*t situation.

Update 2: well I finally managed to speak to the person who is 'dealing' with the incident and she was not prepared to give me any information...like 'how long will it take to resolve the situation?'...it looks as though we could be talking about months rather than weeks. I cannot begin to express how horrible the situation is. DS2 is beyond anxious and is stressing madly. This is pushing DD to her limits and she is in extreme amounts of pain and totally exhausted, this is so damaging to her and is likely to have a  permanent effect on her health. DP is being utterly disengaged from it all...quelle surprise! I had to tell him about it all as DS2 was not able to stop talking about it and even DP might notice that something was wrong when DS2 was off College for an extended period of time. I will be contacting the Police again on Monday...its Saturday now...hopefully they can speed up their game and get it sorted sooner rather than later...I am not sure how much longer DD or DS2 can cope with the stress!

Into the New Year

This is the last day before life gets back to what counts as normal in this house. DP is back to work tomorrow and we are all very pleased about that...he has been sooo bored all holiday and has done absolutely nothing. He couldn't even escape to the gym because it was closed various times because of the holidays. He watched lots of TV and spent weird amounts of time on Facebook but that's pretty much all he's done all holiday.
The Sunday after Xmas DS2, DP and I went over to my parents as DB and his wife were there for the day. DD was too poorly to leave the house and even if, by some miracle, she had felt up to doing something visiting her GPs wouldn't have been even close to top of her list. DS1 stayed to look after DD as he has the same views about GPs that DD has...I would happily have stayed but that wasn't on the cards at all. The day was ok I guess...nothing too offensive was said, though my DF said...more than once...how nice it was to have 'the whole family' round the table. Given DD and DS1 weren't there and DB1 died over 25 years ago it was tactless even by DF's normal standards. I spent much of the day washing up...well it got me out of the way and was infinitely preferable to spending time with DM who was being even more offensive and disagreeable than normal. DS2 noticed how loud and rude she was...normally he doesn't register her behaviour. She is not a nice person...and is almost certainly smoking again...what a twat.
Other than that its been a case of enduring the holiday period until DP pisses off back to work. Probably the most boring, endless Xmas ever.
DD is extremely tired after the holiday period...DS2 has been more than normally hard work, partly having DP home and partly he struggles with any change in routine. He has also been waiting...very impatiently for a screen he ordered on 26th December to arrive so he can have a PS2 in his room...something he is mega excited about.
DD got a new ipad and iphone over Xmas...we have been saving for the ipad as her old one has been showing its age. The new one is noticeably lighter as well which should help her. The new phone was possible because she could upgrade her old phone on her sim contract...she is pleased with them both even if setting them both up was hard work. DS1 was happy as he got a pile of tech to take to CEX and got enough cash to pay for his next batch of tattooing.
I had planned to take him up to Middlesbrough to his tattooist but DD was just too poorly to cope on her own so DP took him...DS was not impressed especially as it gave DP permission to take too much interest in his tattoos...DP was taking photos on his phone so he could show 'people'. Creepy or what...especially as he has no connection to any of his children, he just wants to be able to talk about them as though he knows them.
As you can probably tell I am not over fond of DP and would be happy if he dropped down dead...or found the love of life and left us, I'm not fussed just as long as he left!
I have been finding the level of eating I was easily maintaining before Xmas impossible to do so have been putting on a 1lb a day according to my scales. Obviously I've not put on anything like that as I'm still not eating masses but the way my body works I am quite prepared to believe I can put on serious weight at a level that would count as an extreme diet for a normal person... I will get the eating back under control once life gets back to normal as I do like loosing weight and my smaller body. I haven't any other 'resolutions' for 2016...what I want isn't going to happen...DD plateauing if not getting better, DS2 calming down and gaining some independence, DP pissing and leaving me in peace, DM dying...as I say non of them are going to happen so I will just keep on keeping on.