Things I'd love to say in real life

Mumsnet has a brilliant post on at the moment for things you'd like to say in real life but never will. I have a whole list of things I'd like to say so rather than filling up the whole thread I thought I'd take advantage of the fact I have a whole blog to say what I like and fill up a new, shiny blog post with 'things I'd like to say in real life but probably won't'

DP

This one has to come first as there are so many things I'd love to say. Where to begin. Well for today it would have to be stop the bloody heaving and sighing...acting all martyred is pathetic and gets you no sympathy or attention so not quite sure why you do it. Other than to feed your vision of yourself as an overworked and underappreciated hero obviously!
I would also love to tell you to stop with the endless list of stock responses to trigger words...I do not find it amusing that you respond to every mention of the word 'wheel' with a rendition of the wheels on the bus!..FFS your youngest child is 20! Grow up!! The endless wandering into song, recitation or whatever is pathetic and dull and just makes me want to scream...I know you think its clever, witty and amusing but believe me its not.
However the main thing I'd love to say...and which I have actually said more than once...is STOP speaking to our youngest as though you hate him. Constantly telling him to shut up and being so aggressive and belittling is emotional abuse and if I felt he was actually noticing I would have to throw you out. I'm not the only one who has noticed, a friend comments on it too and it offends her as much as it offends me.
Obviously the main thing I'd like to say is fuck off to the far side of fuck off and then fuck off some more! Everything else is window dressing.

DS2

FGS do some work...how you expect to pass an exam by stropping and tantruming I don't know! I know you have little realistic chance of passing because lets be honest you are not over burdened with brains. Maybe without your appalling start to life you would be more able to use your brain and actually concentrate, but non of that is an excuse for your refusal to do any work, revision, homework anything. I am afraid I have stopped trying to force you because I have as much hope of getting you to focus as I have of nailing jelly to a wall.
Another thing, where did this revolting entitled attitude come from? Its not pretty and will get you nothing from me...I am happy to let you have treats because  I love you dearly and think you are gorgeous but you are becoming spoilt and unpleasant.

DS1

A little enthusiasm would be nice...I am offering to drive to and from London in a day to collect you from Uni...after already booking and paying for train  tickets! I would kind of like some thanks, especially as your sister is having to do the day with me. Weirdly she is too ill to leave so is having to come too...it will be tiring for her but hopefully less stressful than a day on her own. Some gratitude when we send parcels wouldn't go amiss either. I know they are sent for our enjoyment but you can still say 'thanks' It costs nothing and would make my day!

DD

You rock. I know I tell you how proud I am but I'm telling you again, you are amazing...expensive to run, but so brilliant at coping with an appalling chronic illness that is deteriorating so fast. I get so much fun from having you around...just think without you I would never have got to see RuPaul's Drag race and how traumatic would that have been! A world in which I never got to see Latrice!

Mum

Honestly Mum you are so wrapped up in your own world you are really boring. I can tell you nothing because you really have no interest in my life or my children. We are not the showcase family you would prefer but that 'family' was unrealistic, I mean where was I supposed to be a petite blonde from!
I have no sympathy for your health problems, they are down to your 60 years of smoking and total lack of exercise.  It always seems rather creepy in a weird way to have to be so sympathetic for your health problems when you are so dismissive of my DDs problems. Only someone as narcissistic as you would dismiss her illness with the words 'no physical cause'. That was the moment you lost me. I will continue to mimic some politeness but not much and you might never see my DD again and my DS1 is not bothered to see you either. You are not someone they like...totally your choice Mum.

Dad

I probably still like you but its so many years since I got to talk to you, who knows. Mum doesn't like anyone to speak to anyone but her so we never get chance to chat. Your choice as you facilitate her behaviour. Shame about your lack of relationship with your GCs but not a problem I will loose any sleep over.

DB2

After you told me you didn't want to hear about my daughter...your niece...because it 'was too depressing' you lost any respect and pretty much any affection I ever had for you. I have tried really hard over the years to retain a relationship with you, not easy with the large age gap and our totally different life styles but I no longer bother. You don't seem to miss the contact which is fine by me, I have enough to cope with without worrying about your pathetic sensibilities.

DB1

Fuck you, you bastard. Why did you have to climb, or rather fall! When I next see you I will give you the bollocking of your life. I will never forgive you for leaving me. I struggle to remember the real you...its been 25 years after all, but I need you. I struggle without any real support...non from Mum or Dad and non from DP, and I would bloody well expect some from you. Even if was only someone on the end of a phone, or email, who I could rant to.

I can totally understand why the thread is so popular, its really good to be able to say all the things you'd like to but never can.

GMA & GPA

I love you more than I can say. I miss you but know that you would love me and be proud of me and would love my DCs and be proud of them. I was so lucky having you both and am grateful for all the love you gave me.

J.

Grow up and stop giving all your money to a drug addict. I know you are having a belated teenage rebellion but honestly you are taking the infatuation to extremes. You are totally being used and once he gets a better source of money, transport, attention, you will be dumped and no I don't believe all the bullshit about his dad sorting the money. Its all manipulation designed to part you from as much money as possible. Also I kind of despise you for letting down DS2 when you had made plans with him to come and clean with you but you then got a better offer to go and hand over money to the drug addict so dumped DS2. Sorry but that wasn't good. You are better than that.