I have been over weight most of my life. I put on weight in early puberty and my Mum made me feel as though I was enormous and gross. Even before puberty I thought I was big, some of my earliest memories are of my Mum telling me how big I was and 'joking' about my size. When I put on weight in puberty and realised how repulsed my Mum was I tried to diet, I had no idea of sensible dieting and so ate a totally crazy diet. I was lucky to avoid anorexia and looking back I think my Mum would have been quite happy with me ending up anorexic...well maybe I'd have been thin enough for her then!
So ended a cycle of dieting and putting on weight again that lasted me for far too much of my life, adding it up I was dieting for about 30 years. Such a waste especially as I wasn't exactly over weight when I started, 10st 8lb (I did look shocking in old photos, I admit, think 70's fashion and hair styles and a badly needed brace but I wasn't over weight). At my heaviest I got as high as 16st and at my lowest I got down to 10st 7lb (briefly)...I did manage 8st 7lb when I first dieted but that was stupid and didn't even please my Mum then!
I finally gave up dieting about 10 years ago...I put on about 2-3st when I began fostering, something that's not uncommon if you are an emotional eater as I am. I ate all my anger at how DS2 had been treated, I ate all the anger and frustration at how difficult his behaviour was, I ate my exhaustion from having no sleep for weeks/months as he nightmared, I ate my unhappiness at having to give up work and stay home to care for DS2 full time. I ate all the time. But I decided dieting was not for me and that I needed to live with who I was and just get on with my life, which was my sanest and healthiest decision.
I ended up settling around 15st, not a size I was ecstatic with but I could live with it. DP was getting more narc and showing more abuser style behaviour which left me without any support as I dealt with DS2 growing up, a rollercoaster of a ride, DD working towards Oxford with depression (not related), getting an offer and then being too ill with ME to go, DS1 finding what he wanted to do and finally going off to Uni. I had a lot to cope with and did not have any spare energy to care about my weight...also being fat makes you invisible and I was happy not to be seen.
But I stepped on the scales last week and discovered I had put on 7lb and decided enough was enough I had to loose some weight. I had no intention of actually dieting I just thought I'd eat more sensibly for a week or so and get back into my comfort zone weight wise and then go back to my diet of junk food. I stopped eating junk and bread and found it surprisingly easy and have already lost most of my 'excess' weight. Unfortunately for my junk food days there have been unexpected side effects of my healthier eating, I have lost all the anaesthetic effects of excess eating and DD is so much happier with the fact I can offer so much more support now I have more emotions available. Eating suppressed my negative emotions but it suppressed my positive emotions too which is not brilliant when I am DD's only support. So I am going to have to stay with the healthy eating permanently which may have other unexpected side effects for DP as I now have zero tolerance for his silliness and, I'm wanting to say manipulation but that's not quite right I think the word I'm looking for is entitlement but whatever, I am getting a LOT less tolerant and I wasn't exactly an enabler before (more of an ignorer). Not sure how he is feeling about the new me, or even if he's noticed. We will see.
Not sure what the future holds either weight wise or emotion/personality wise but its a new journey and I'm keen to see what happens.
Update: well I have now been eating healthily for about 2 months and have lost about a stone, so not a fast weight loss. Given how big I still am I'm fairly surprised how slowly the weight is coming off and will freely admit I would not still be dieting if I was looking to loose weight as my only motivation for the way I'm eating. Its still fairly easy, though yesterday was crazily hard as we drove back from holiday and I was beyond exhaustion and all I wanted to do was eat as many calories as possible to give me an energy boost. But I didn't which impressed me no end, the scales were less impressed but that's life for you. I will either loose weight or not but I am offering more support to DD which is the important thing.
Update 2: I am still slowly loosing weight...whole weeks go by when I loose or gain 1/2 a lb, it really doesn't seem worth the effort. But to be honest its not really a major effort, I don't get any of the cravings I have experienced in every diet I've ever done...there have been 100s!, so I keep plodding on. I would be happier if my scales loved me more but I can live with it. In order to loose weight even as slowly as I'm managing I am eating less than a 1000 calories a day, so should theoretically be loosing weight steadily, but as all dieters know bodies just don't work that way. I have lost about 30% of the weight I plan to loose...at this rate I will have lost all the weight I want to loose by the end of the year. It will obviously take longer, but it will be interesting. Its been sooo long since I was less than fat!
Update 3: I have now lost almost 50% of the weight I am looking to loose. Still no one has noticed I've lost any weight at all which is bit disappointing but hopefully the next 50% will be more noticeable. I am still managing to eat low enough levels of calories that I loose some weight most weeks but its getting harder. I think its the dark nights that are making me hungry!
No comments:
Post a Comment