I realised years ago that I probably had low grade depression when I'd walk through a graveyard and be jealous of the people who died young. There are lots of reasons for this, mostly a family disposition towards depression but also lots of situational reasons.
- lack of money which reduces our opportunities to do anything fun... or really needed like live somewhere bigger and quieter with a garden...which would have helped DS2 immeasurably when he was younger and would make DD's life infinitely easier and less painful
- lack of supportive family...my parents sucked and only saw me when I was doing something to help...not great for my self esteem that's for sure. I compounded that by ending up in relationship with a self absorbed arse who thinks the world should revolve around him and I'm not sure sees anyone except him as an actual person. I used to be incredibly hurt and upset by this but long since became apathetic and just ignore him and his passive aggressive bullshit. Not healthy but it's all I've got.
- lack of any actual life of my own. Caring for DD and DS2 ...and DS1 I guess given he's still at home...means my life is lived for others.... not dreadful but I have no time for any hobbies like going to the gym or free brain space to read new books...it does make me feel like a non person a lot of the time.
My current favourite fantasy is that all the kids have left home into suitable relationships or supported living and are all happy...I get to live on my own and can go to bed for a rest whenever I want...even in the middle of the day! Totally sad and pathetic but that's my life.
I would say that my depression is now moderate and is colouring how I see everything...though given how appalling the news is I can't see how anyone escapes depression. The news out of Ukraine about the atrocities the Russians are perpetrating are horrifying, the comparison I usually use is the Nazis but, unfortunately there are way too many others to choose from...too many people really seem to want to be evil given half a chance. The news out of USA about repealing abortion rights and all the other rights that will be taken away afterwards is sickening. Old, White men really do seem to want to enslave everyone else...and it's going to happen ... I don't see any way out. Other than that we have the climate crisis which is causing unprecedented high temperatures in India and Pakistan ...for months! The world will burn and mass extinctions are already underway...scary.
All of this adds up to a world, and a life, I really can't see any point in...I get minimal joy and its all going to get worse as we have progressively less money, with prices going up all the time...and I will continue to age and be increasingly tired while still needing to all the caring and DP will continue to be a self absorbed arse and huff and puff if anyone has the temerity to try and speak to him...'conversations' are for him to monologue and everyone else to listen...preferably in adoring and worshipful silence. He is then stupid enough to bitch that no one tells him anything!! You couldn't make it up.
I am not suicidal...mostly because I don't know a fool proof way to achieve death and I have way too many responsibilities I can't evade...but I wouldn't fight death if I ended up with cancer...my personal dream.
