DS1 has an dissertation which needs massive amounts of research doing. He struggles to read academic texts and has always had me read them and feed the information to him. It works for us as I am happy to read anything, the problem this time is finding any time to actually do any reading. DD is needing lots of support at the moment, DS2 is on half term so around needing to be kept occupied and DP is off for most of the week. Its a week made in heaven!
DD is really struggling, not helped by the fact her wheelchair is out of action at the moment as the control mechanism is bust. We are still waiting for a quote to fix it and the top price if it needs repairing is eye watering. Annoying as it died just days before the contract with Motability ended and we bought the chair, so the repair bill is ours. Such is life!
DS2 is loving being back in College but is struggling with the idea of getting more grown up and the prospect of future independence. Obviously he doesn't bother articulating any of his anxieties he just acts out his worries in obnoxious behaviour. His main problem is that he is very gay, gender fluid to the point he may even be transgender and just can't accept this. In order to feel safe he pretends to be a totally cis normal man. He is incredibly jealous of two people in College who are able to express their gender identity more openly but he just isn't brave enough to be who he is. This causes him real problem but there is realistically nothing we can do other than let him know we love him whoever he is. DD pushes too hard, I feel, to get DS2 to express himself with make up and clothes, all of which DS2 loves but DD is a bit too relentless which ends up making DS2 more scared.
The prospect of having DP home, undoubtedly bored, for half term week is not a happy one. He has taken to tracking me down and talking at me. I have no interest in his dull utterances and work hard at not listening but it doesn't discourage him. I'm not sure he pays that much attention to other people so he probably isn't aware I'm ignoring him, though I'm sure he aware of my lack of adoration. He does seem to expect the rest of the world to take him at his valuation...the world's cleverest person who's every utterance is gold. Not a total narc but on the spectrum and getting more self obsessed all the time. He hasn't spoken to DD at all for at least a year, DS2 did call him out on it, which made me snigger. DP denied it totally but still has made no effort to actually speak to DD...though he did suggest the reason he ignores DD is because she ignores him. What a prat!!
DS1 is being totally awesome in London, he has found himself a D&D group which he is enjoying...it may not sound like much but DS1 pushing to get contact details for people he doesn't know and then setting off to somewhere new to meet up with new people to take part in a new activity...its so far out of his comfort zone its unreal. But his comfort zone has shrunk and he is now doing all kinds of stuff he would never have considered only months ago. My baby is all grown up and I'm so proud! He is without his friend from school, who had been working in London so they got to meet up to go to the cinema together most weeks. His friend is back in Leeds for now but DS is still going to the cinema and I imagine will end up picking up other friends from rugby of D&D to go with if he's bothered.
I am still going to the gym 3 times a week and really enjoying it, an odd concept but true. I'm seeing no change at all in my weight which is resolutely refusing to get below 12stone. Every time I get close I go off track and put on weight, so the block is mental as much as anything. But its also my body, this week I should have dropped below but even though I've eaten normally and been to the gym I have put on a few pounds. Its annoying but not a major issue and certainly not enough for me to give up how I eat now. I've been doing it for nearly 18months and it feels normal now, which is great. Even if I never get below 12stone I can live with it, I feel happier about how I look in clothes and feel healthier which is all good. I'm now buying clothes in brighter colours which is about time, I've spent most of my life hiding in dark clothes.
The fact I barely see DM is a part of why all this is working for me, she is such a negative person she invariably works to make me feel bad about myself. She and DF came over for lunch a week or so ago. They gave me a cheque for a decent amount, enough to give DD and DS1 a bit of mad money and get the last section of roof sorted, which was nice. She did start her rubbish about people recovering from ME and all the other stupid stuff she spouts. I told her how stupid she was and basically every time she said something stupid or nasty I shut her down. Should have done it years and years ago, but it took the break from her, and plenty of MN reading, to see how toxic she can be and how bad for me.
Also seeing less of my 'friend' J. She has been busy with her drug addict boyfriend over the summer and as DS2 has been totally banned from being with her son...who was feeding DS2 all sorts of rubbish about sex which were making him extremely anxious...its not been as easy to keep in touch. When I do see her she tells me all her news, worries etc and that's it. I can't tell her anything as she has no boundaries and is a bit like an emotional vampire feeding on other peoples lives. That sounds as though she's a nasty person which she isn't but certainly not someone I'd confide in. Anyway I'm not sure she wants to hear about my life...talking about her life and her boyfriend is far more important. I also am getting to kind of despise her...she spends unfeasible amounts of money on her boyfriend...she is married and the boyfriend relationship is not sexual (not by choice, J would love to be rutting like a bunny!) but he is her emotional all. That would be fine if she had the money spare but she doesn't and is spending money, and indeed time and emotional energy, on him that she doesn't spend on her sons which I think is appalling. Especially as her youngest is adopted and has behaviours issues...control and manipulation mostly because she has never put the time into working on his problems. He has been in trouble with the Police for sexting a 14 year old girl, who is patently vulnerable, and she does nothing to sort the situation. She talks about he son as the victim...he is 3 years older than the girl!, and is just assuming that he won't do it again. I have done all I can by banning all contact between him and DS2. The boy has shown disturbed behaviour for a lot of years but I let them see each other under supervision, but even that's got to stop now. Mostly because I just don't trust J to actually supervise and take her sons behaviour seriously.
