Wednesday 7 February 2024

Not a great start to the year

 The Genocide in Gaza... and the West Bank and Jerusalem continues. It's really hard to follow the news, its so painful and nothing is being done by any Government really. South Africa did bring a case to the ICJ which agreed what's happening looks very genocidy. But Israel continues...indeed increases what it's doing and no one condemns them... so hard to watch. The news is barely on mainstream media at all so for those who'd rather ignore it all it's easy enough for them to look the other way. Social media is a life line for those of us you are bearing witness... seeing a genocide happening in real time is heart breaking and utterly depressing for a number of reasons- 

  • watching the destruction of people, men, women and children...even babies, is horrific
  • the utter destruction Israel is inflicting on every part of Gaza is unbelievable, it's total destruction...even more than WWII. The third oldest church in the world was totally destroyed...as well as hospitals, mosques, schools, houses, water treatment facilities...everything. The Palestinian Christian community is being totally eradicated. 
  • Israel is also testing new weapons...the joys of capitalism I guess
  • the death of any hope I had in the basic goodness of people...while there are lots of people all over the world working for a ceasefire there are more people who don't care or who actively want all the Palestinians in Gaza and the rest of Israel to die.
  • Once you see the white settler colonialist, white supremacist, apartheid nature of Israel its not possible to unsee it. BLM taught us a lot about the nature of racism but this has torn all pretence about the toxic nature of colonialism, capitalism and racism and colonialism away. There are a lot of truly bad people in the world.
  •  the environmental damage all this is doing is dreadful too...as if the world wasn't already experiencing all the problems of global warming and extreme weather!
When all this started in October my DF did agree that what was happening was dreadful...has never mentioned it since. For reasons known only to him DP has decided Israel is good and anyone resisting is bad... to be fair he is on facebook a lot and is getting shades of red pill. He is so far down the red pill rabbit hole that he will huff and leave the room if DS2 mentions Gaza. DS2 may have very limited understanding but is aware killing babies is bad and supports the people in Gaza... hard not to be able to clear that particular bar! Does not say good things about DP that he can't clear it.

In addition to all the stress because of the terrible news coming out of Gaza and the new ways I now need to see the world and all the problems we face as humans, DD is also having an especially bad start to the year. They always struggle in winter...the combination of dark, cold and poor weather making it hard to get out which leaves them trapped in their room very bored. But this year they are also flaring... badly flaring to the extent they have needed the commode in their room and are settling down to sleep by 5pm. In addition to that they have piled on weight in January...about 2 stone. Last January they were unhappy with how much weight they were putting on after Xmas...2lb a day. So we started counting what they ate and they lost a fairly steady half a stone a month and were just over 17stone at the beginning of June.  That didn't last but they ended up in the 18stone area until winter...which they could live with. They are now heading for 21 stone and likely to go back up to 24 stone which was their heaviest and head off beyond it. They are at the stage where they'd welcome a stomach flair, but that's not going to happen.

DS1 is also struggling with winter... the lack of any light and the fact that pretty much all he does is work and come home and sleep isn't making him happy. He did pass his Theory Test at his first attempt which was very impressive. Now he just needs to book a driving course and actually pass his test and start driving. I think that will help, fingers crossed. Basically he needs a nice partner who gets him and they can work together to get a house and work out their lives. Really don't see him being massively happy on his own but its not my problem to solve that's for sure.

Hopefully the year will brighten up...not got a lot of hope but good stuff can happen....okay maybe not. My cynicism runs deep for valid reasons.  

Monday 13 November 2023

genocide

 The recent weeks have had the media filled with pictures of a genocide happening in Gaza. Hamas shot rockets into Israel and killed a bunch of people...difficult to give a number as Israel is having to correct its initial briefings all too often and acknowledge that a significant number of those killed were killed by them. Hamas took hostages...all bad stuff. Israel then decided a proportionate response was to bomb Gaza flat...including hospitals and schools. Hundreds of children and babies have been killed.

Hamas is bad, that hardly needs saying...that Israel is bad definitely does need saying. The major problem for Israel in this situation is that people have access to a lot of information...TikTok and Instagram ..... and people have been finding out all sorts of stuff we didn't know before. I didn't know Israel was an apartheid state, nor that Jews and Palestinians are not legally allowed to marry or that 23andMe is effectively banned because it would destroy the myth of Jews as genetically tied to Israel/Palestine...while Palestinians are. All the information was there but I was lazy and only looked at the surface information about all the many problems in the area and accepted that Israel...while not perfect... was necessary as a haven for Jews and that supporting Palestinian rights was a code for anti-Semitism. 

I have read a lot in the last week or so and I can now say that Zionism is a colonialist ideology and that Palestinians have been treated badly by everyone...their leaders...the organisations that professed to be working for their benefit...PLO, Hamas, other Arab states...the Western world...

There have been protests around the world...as there were before the Iraq war, for BLM, when the Russians invaded Ukraine... I also remember marches to stop Apartheid in South Africa and to protest the Poll Tax... so sometimes protests work. I really don't see anything good happening for Palestine any time soon. There is no political will in America and they are the ones who control the purse strings and they have too much tied up with supporting Israel. But Israel will struggle resume any aura of morality over the situation.

For me personally it is painful to have to abandon the hope that Israel could be a moral country...it should have been. It was created after the Holocaust and having endured so much I truly expected...naïve I know...that  Israel would remember the horrors and not recreate them...but they totally have. Even the language us the same, I totally expect Netanyahu to call for a 'Final Solution' of the Palestinian problem...maybe through 'resettlement'!

DP is being his usual arsy self and taking the opposite view on any topic the rest of us express an opinion... he is sooo much wiser than us and such a genius so only his view is correct of course... DD did loose her temper with him last week...understandably. He was 'parenting' DS2 from another room, which he does like to do...extremely unhelpful which he has been told on multiple occasions. Anyway DD, who was in extreme pain and very tired after helping DS2 make Xmas cards erupted on DP and shouted at him that we all hate him and that they had prayed he died when he was in hospital. No one said anything as every word was pretty much true. DP has avoided the 'parenting' from afar since...long may that continue! 

Luckily DP is finally back at work...the month he was off on sick was interminable...and he is away! We are all enjoying the peace and quiet. Unfortunately its his last stint of working away in this job...pretty much his last stint of actually leaving the house for work at all. He starts his new job after Xmas so we'll see how how that goes...hopefully at least some travelling... we all need to time to relax.



Sunday 15 October 2023

Endless drama

 Lots of drama recently. DP was in hospital for a blockage in his stomach that needed emergency surgery. He was fairly poorly, enough he persuaded the NHS advise line to send him an ambulance...both DS1 and DD were disgusted that he was such a drama queen. I can sympathise with their point of view...he does tend to act martyred about any illness ...all while 'bravely soldiering on'... really annoying. Now he's out of hospital he's telling everyone he 'nearly died'...while totally ignoring the hospitals advise for what to eat. Seriously hope he has a relapse ... I would say I hope he dies but I did the maths and we would struggle...other than that he can defiantly f*ck off and die. It was noticeable how much calmer DS2 was while DP was in hospital, even with all the anxiety DS2 was experiencing. Very telling!

DD is having therapy to try and help them with depression, they are really struggling with feeling like a burden and having no value...its really hard for them. Their weight is also creeping back up which isn't helping and the M.E. is progressing and they have increasingly limited energy and mental capacity. It's super annoying as all of this is happening at the same time as DD is finding a community IRL and is actually getting a social life. Possibly the two are connected and they are just doing too much and pushing to a flare, who knows. This weekend they went to a writers retreat in Harrogate, they did one in summer over their birthday and loved it...they managed Saturday and ended up sooo exhausted and in so much pain that today they had to not go to the second day and are sat with their heated back pad in extremes of pain.

DS1 has finally booked to do his Theory Test for his driving test. He is also getting out more, he went away to London for a week on holiday and has got back in touch with friends. He still gets so burned out working that during the week he basically works and sleeps and then spends the weekend resting to start the process over again. I still think loosing some weight would help him sleep better which would improve his energy...but his autism would still make everything exhausting.

DF finally got Covid but was barely ill at all with it. He is spending a lot of time with one of the other ladies in his old peoples complex...glad he's enjoying life. He's utterly self centred and barely registers the rest of the world... some of that will be his deafness and some his age but a lot of it is just how he's always been. My parents were both pretty sucky.

DS2 was complaining that his brand new airpods weren't working ...they are working just fine. I got an appointment to get his ears checked incase he had too much wax. It emerged that one of his ear drums has scarring...weirdly this was never mentioned even though his hearing was tested twice as a child! So he might actually have some hearing issues...he has an appointment to have a full hearing test and we'll see what that says.

Other than that life continues as normal... the cost of everything continues to increase and however hard I try to save money I am always needing to spend ...lots!... the problem of having a seriously depressed, chronically ill child, a burnt out autistic son and a child with CPTSD and associated issues! I'll not have the old age my DF has that's for sure...no luxury flat and constant holidays and meals out just because...as he said, he has more money than he can ever spend! I really don't have that!


 

Monday 26 June 2023

Life isn't easy

 Nothing is ever easy for us...DS1 is unable to look for a house and move out until he can drive, but he really doesn't want to drive so isn't pushing to get his license sorted. Even then he'll struggle to afford anything decent or in an area he wants to live. He is also getting burnout and is currently working and sleeping pretty much...I really think loosing some weight, he is VERY big and maybe even doing some exercise would help...not shaming his weight, I actually think his problem may be at least partly sleep apnea Life is hard.

DS2 is struggling with his behaviour...or rather we are struggling with his behaviour! He's being weird about wanting a girlfriend and is spouting incel rubbish. He's basically got the abuser handbook hardwired into his DNA and isn't a safe person. Shame as it's not his choice but it is who he is. He has recently started a new social group which may help. In looking for a social group Sarah.. the St Anne's worker contacted Social Services...all I can say is that Adult Social Services are even wetter that Children's Social Services. I am sure the guy is fine but he's very ineffectual and wet! Fortunately one of DS2's friends is in the Social Group and I got the name of the organising group from the friends mum and sorted it myself.

DD is finding life particularly hard...they have been focussing on eating carefully all year ...even to extent of weighing everything and noting it all down so we can track everything they eat. It has helped spotting foods they need to avoid...potatoes and soy products so far. But recently they have been putting weight on...4lbs in less than a week. Nothing they do is having any effect and its obviously not making them feel great. When your life is so out of control it was good to be able to 'fix' one bit. Now even that has been taken away from them. They started the careful eating to avoid another stomach flair and control the 2lb a day they were gaining in January but it all seems a bit of a waste now...though they have lost over 2 stone. Life is hard.

DF is incredibly, smuggly happy in his new flat and new life. We went over to see him on Saturday and he talks only about himself and his life...now that's partly because he is increasingly deaf and so doesn't always hear anything anyone else says, but really he's only interested in himself.  He forgot DD's birthday...the 4th year in a row... no idea if he'll ever realise he's forgotten...or care! I have no respect for him and no affection. I do the bare minimum of daughterly contact and visits and that's only for my benefit...I'd feel ...not guilty but incorrect if I do nothing. But I certainly won't mourn him when he's gone or miss him. Weirdly I have, very occasionally missed DM...mostly when I've seen a story in the news I know she'd have appreciated. I certainly don't miss her as a person at all but I miss who she could have been, not sure that makes any sense. It's a real shame because I could really do with any family who actually gave a damn...life with DD and DS2 is hard and I someone who cared about me would be wonderful.

DP is as ... unpleasant, self absorbed, arrogant, nasty...pick any, all or none...he's someone I have no interest in ever speaking to or seeing. If the Police came to the door and told me he'd died I would struggle not to cheer...he is not a pleasant person to be around and fills every available space with his crap. The only reason we are all here is money. I am usually quite good at reading people...not always accurate but I get some impression of them. For him I get no reading at all...other than the self absorbed etc...it's like he's just not an actual functioning person on the inside so he has no inner life. Who knows...or really cares at this point! All I know is I loathe when he starts talking at me...every monologue ends up with him talking about himself...what he wrote on facebook...what he said at work ...what he thinks about any topic...he's tediously boring and seems to seriously believe he is a total mega genius and knows everything. 

Haven't heard anything from DB in ages and I really don't care. When DF dies I can't see me ever seeing him again and it will bother me not at all.

The world seems to be going to shit...there are soo many problems with climate change, refugees wanting a life for themselves and their families, too many countries and politicians moving to fascism...its depressing and not going to get better anytime fast. Yes I am as pessimistic as I sound...I do look back at the world I grew up in and it seems easier and less brutal. The climate wasn't fucked and people...in my privileged world...could buy houses and have a life...life isn't like that anymore for most people. Yes I have a level of depression...I've had it for years, I used to walk through a cemetery years ago for one of DS2's therapies, and I would read the ages of death and feel jealous of those who died young. Life is hard. 

 


Saturday 15 April 2023

Life continues

Well dad finally managed to get moved. He's very happy in his new flat and is keen to tell me just how much money he has..'more than I can ever spend'..I did suggest he give DS1 some to help him move. Not holding my breath.

DD is continuing to be super careful with what they eat to avoid triggering any more stomach flairs...not so careful this week as they are finally having a period...after 14 months. It's heavy and painful and if ice cream helps then eat it!

DP is doing his new job...he didn't get a works car so had to buy one in a hurry...just what we needed, more expense. He's not doing any work yet but hopefully he'll get some jobs soon and actually have to leave the house occasionally. Having him home all the time is not good, for any of us. He is loud, aggressive, vile to DS2 and just a really unpleasant person to be around. If anyone tries to say anything to him he'll purse up his lips and huff...totally offended anyone would have the temerity to potentially not instantly agree with his total perfection. Really finding him hard to be around...if I only had the money!

Other than that the world continues to be scary and not a lot of fun. Prices continue to increase. DS1 is unlikely to ever be able to afford to move out...how ever much he saves prices are going up faster than his savings. Also he needs a car before he can even look at moving and he's not moving toward sorting a driving license. It's a real shame because he would love to move on...maybe even start dating...though I'm not sure how easy he'd find that given his current size...horrid to say but true.

In America the Republicans are becoming ever more extreme and trying to fix their voter problem by disbarring anyone who doesn't love them from voting, They have abolished abortions in too many states and are are now targeting trans people, drag queens, books, gay marriage...the list goes on. Britain will be next for a lot of it.

It  doesn't help that I am increasingly depressed. Not enough to warrant speaking to the doctors for medication...I would never trust any doctor enough to be that honest or vulnerable anyway! But I am finding the world is changing too much...little things like all the new buildings in Leeds and the new road systems. It just doesn't feel like my world anymore...a product of getting old I guess but it's not fun. I keep looking back and seeing the past in roseate colours and more rational, more decent, responsibilities as well as rights. I'm not stupid and I know the past was as messy and hard as the present ...as well as seriously awful for far too many groups. But I'm not getting any real enjoyment out of life...my personal fantasy is to get cancer that allows me to gracefully exit stage left. Not going to happen but I can dream.

DD would also not be unhappy to have terminal cancer...they are discovering they are more trans than they realised and finding their female body hard to love.  While they are continuing to loose weight they still weigh 18 stone so are a looong way off being small enough to be androgynous. 

So not excited for anything this year...I continue to exist and continue to do all the jobs I need to in order for us all to survive but I'm not experiencing any joy. 

Update: well DP continues to be self absorbed and .... vile, rude, objectionable, emotionally abusive... all of these and non. He's deeply unpleasant to be around because his only topic of 'conversation' is himself and what he wants to say. He was away for a week...we all loved it!... DS1 sanded down the kitchen table and oiled it, I repainted the bathroom and did some painting in the kitchen after sorting the damp/mould problem... DP not only totally failed to notice any of this....all very noticeable...but continued to pretend he was planning to sort the kitchen table. He is such an arse...if I had the money I would be overjoyed at being able to get us all out...I have absolutely no respect for him and utterly despise his arrogance...he truly believes he is a genius and beloved by all. He is deluded!

To add to all this the top bathroom has got problems of damp in the floor...who knows how big a problem that will be...oh joys!

I really would welcome a fatal condition...I'm not able to suicide, mostly because I don't have any means and would feel too guilty given both DD and DS2 rely on me...but a health issue...well it wouldn't be my fault so I wouldn't need to feel guilty...

 

Friday 9 December 2022

Nearly Xmas...again

 Well it's the countdown to yet another Xmas. It's a really low key event this year for various reasons

  • the cost of living crisis means we are seriously looking for ways to save money so presents are minimal and food is sufficient but not extreme
  • DP is doing an insane 'diet' via the NHS for his Type 2 Diabetes...he's just eating soups and shakes for 3 months and this is, supposedly, going to 'cure' his diabetes. I did mention, more than once when he first mentioned it that the science does not support this and while his diabetes may well go into remission its not a cure! But he chose to go along with it...fortunately he's been eating all kinds of other stuff too so it shouldn't do too much damage...but he will rapidly put on any weight, and more, as soon as goes back to eating 'normally'
  • All the kids are technically adults, DS2 is 8 at most, but I have been saying for a few years that I was stopping Xmas stockings and have always been persuaded to carry on because everyone likes them more than the actual presents. Well this year no one is complaining and they have ended... I'm pleased and not just because they are expensive...they are also a bugger to sort!
  • Mum finally snuffed it so there's less guilt tripping to be part of her Xmas vision... DF doesn't care and anyway he's all excited as he's living his best life without DM being a drag. Even after his, minor, stroke he's still super busy socialising and keeping busy...he's in the midst of moving to a flat after selling his house...so all good stuff and Xmas doesn't interest him
I'm not bothering with any decorating at all this year...not that I have done much for years. I've already sent my cards and sorted all my Xmas presents. So basically I'm just waiting for the end of the cold weather and ignoring Xmas.

It's not overwarm in the house mostly because I'm not putting any heating on...way too expensive...also the gas fire in the living room was condemned this summer and had to be removed...well the fire wasn't condemned but the chimney was. I have finally caved and got a heater for the room but won't be using it much..and will get rid if it's used too much! Instead I've got dehumidifiers which have been helping a lot, especially in DD's room which has always had problems with damp and mould in winter.  

For next year my wishes are pretty much the same as always...DP to leave... death, affair or we get the money to leave...whatever works! He's really not a pleasant person to be around, I cope by rarely being around him...and even when I am he's got his earphones on so I can happily ignore him.  DM is already dead...yay!...DS1 would be happy for DF to snuff it so he could get some money and be able to move out but  I really don't care, he's not that big an annoyance so far... I'm sure that will change as he gets older and more needy but not really a lot I can do!

DD is struggling... they hate Instagram and as it keeps changing their posts get seem almost not at all. We've already had the 'I'm not doing it anymore' speech...we'll see how it goes. Also they had lost a lot of weight with their stomach flair... almost unfortunately the flair is over so they are eating a mass of junk food and will put all the weight back on...which is a shame because they are happier being smaller and would like to be smaller yet. So maybe another stomach flair in  the New Year?

DS2 is being quite scary as his behaviour become more incel/abuser...no idea what his future holds but he needs to grow up. DS1 is doing really well in work and is planning learning to drive next year and then seriously look at moving out...fingers crossed he makes it. 

Update: well Xmas was even quieter than I'd expected. DS1 had been sending people home from work all week with a cold/flu bug. Well on the Friday I got it and was in bed by early evening freezing cold! I stayed in bed till Boxing Day when I got up briefly and then went back to bed. It's now the 28th and I'm still recovering...not a good illness. Unfortunately DD caught it too and has been ill for a couple of days.  Fortunately DS1 has been a total star and has done all the cooking and general care for us all...as DS2 keeps telling me his cooking is much better than mine...I agree!

DF was supposed to come Xmas day but obviously didn't....we were supposed to go today but aren't...we may get over there in the new year...maybe...assuming no one else gets it!

DP has been doing this amazingly stupid diet...which ends soon ... but has been increasingly bitchy that DS1 isn't cooking for him... there is plenty of food available but DP won't speak to DS1 to ask and DS1 is a total petty ass bitch and will totally refuse to go out of his way to offer. Obviously along with any weight he's temporarily lost DP has also totally lost his ability to look in the fridge to see what food is available and, I'm guessing, the use of his voice to you know just ask!! He is a total passenger that's for sure ...if I had any respect for him...which I don't ...all lost a LONG time ago... his behaviour this Xmas would have evaporated any lingering shreds!

Thursday 1 September 2022

I've finally got through all the jobs on my wish list!

 I've had a list of jobs I really wanted to get done for years... some have been on the list so long they've been crossed off and come back on...decorating the hall and stairs!

Well we are officially at the end of the list with everything crossed off. 

The list started when DS1 came back from Uni with rearranging DD's bedroom to make it more useable for her...getting rid of her wardrobe and repainting it... putting film on the windows and grey nets to make the room dimmer. We carried on with a full redecoration of the living room which involved Francis learning how to lay cork tiles as he worked. We also did the same in my bedroom and redecorated. The boys bedrooms were also rearranged and repainted.

The list included work on the roof...the same year we also replaced every computer/laptop in the house as well as the washing machine and tumble dryer...an expensive year.

Last year we got onto the biggest jobs...we replaced the bath and got the bathroom floor retiled...oh that made me sooo happy...so DD could have a bath lift, it's made so much difference to their life...they can have a bath now just because! We also replaced the car with a Motability car...its a hybrid which is fantastic with the price of fuel at the moment. The year carried on being productive and we got the kitchen totally gutted and replaced everything, its been replastered, rewired and new cooker, units the lot...its fantastic. We even had a bonus in my DM finally dying...she'd been waiting to die for years and getting increasingly miserable so it was a kindness to her when she finally died. Certainly DF has been enjoying every day without her.

This year we managed to get the stairs sorted...they were showing their age and were so soft and creaky I was worried DS2 would crash through a step...we also got new carpet...it makes me happy every time I see it. The old carpet was years and years past needing to be replaced but I knew it would be a massive job...which it was...especially with the stairlift ... which is why it kept getting pushed back. Well we now have beautiful new book cases and a new stairlift is coming tomorrow, the old one was no longer working well, which is what gave us the push to sort all the other work too.

So the only item on my wish list that's still left is for DP to piss off and leave us in peace and quiet. He's off in France this week and it's been so lovely, even with all the work and the disruption not having him around makes everything nicer. My ideal would be to have a decent lottery win so I could buy him out ...difficult as I don't actually do the lottery but it's a fantasy anyway as I never had that kind of luck. Other than that I'd be happy if he found another woman and walked off into the sunset with her...I'd struggle for money which is the only reason I don't just tell him it's not working and ask him to leave...but if he chose to leave.... Also if he was the 'guilty' party and chose to go he'd, presumably, be less vindictive and more accommodating in leaving me and DD and DS1 and DS2 with the house. Failing that I'd settle for a fatal accident...preferably something where I get to sue and end up with enough money for us all to survive. OK it's all a fantasy but then my whole wish list of jobs started out that way...just saying.

Update: well there actually was one more job on the list that I'd totally given up on ...replacing the sofa bed... it was falling to bits when DS1 and I redecorated the living room many years ago and has been 'mended' by DP (the actual work has been planned and executed by DS1 for many years until he gave up totally) many times. He has suggested DS1 'help', i.e. do all the work while he takes all the glory, to mend the sofa more than once. DS1 has absolutely no interest. Anyway DP has finally caved and mentioned that maybe it needed replacing... obviously he is far too important to actually do any work looking for a suitable replacement and ordering it. Anyway I'd found somewhere that seemed good years ago so got it sorted...I did offer DP the chance to make a choice but that's far too much work for him! What a total arse!!

Also having him back is harder than I remembered ...I obviously block my annoyance and disgust at his behaviour so well I'd forgotten just how much I dislike being around him. Well now he's back and being an arse... though judging by his stories of his mum's behaviour there are hideous depths he can still aim for. She is getting even more evil and unstable as she gets older.... I can see DP being similar, if not quite so extreme, as he gets older.... oh what fun. I just hope I die young...well fairly young!

Update 2 : well the new stairlift is causing problems and not working at all...it only got installed 4 days ago and has worked only once! Looks like it may need to be taken out and replaced, which is annoying for DD who would like access to a stairlift when they're up to coming downstairs.

Update 3: well the stairlift got sorted and now works just fine which is fantastic.