genocide

 The recent weeks have had the media filled with pictures of a genocide happening in Gaza. Hamas shot rockets into Israel and killed a bunch of people...difficult to give a number as Israel is having to correct its initial briefings all too often and acknowledge that a significant number of those killed were killed by them. Hamas took hostages...all bad stuff. Israel then decided a proportionate response was to bomb Gaza flat...including hospitals and schools. Hundreds of children and babies have been killed.

Hamas is bad, that hardly needs saying...that Israel is bad definitely does need saying. The major problem for Israel in this situation is that people have access to a lot of information...TikTok and Instagram ..... and people have been finding out all sorts of stuff we didn't know before. I didn't know Israel was an apartheid state, nor that Jews and Palestinians are not legally allowed to marry or that 23andMe is effectively banned because it would destroy the myth of Jews as genetically tied to Israel/Palestine...while Palestinians are. All the information was there but I was lazy and only looked at the surface information about all the many problems in the area and accepted that Israel...while not perfect... was necessary as a haven for Jews and that supporting Palestinian rights was a code for anti-Semitism. 

I have read a lot in the last week or so and I can now say that Zionism is a colonialist ideology and that Palestinians have been treated badly by everyone...their leaders...the organisations that professed to be working for their benefit...PLO, Hamas, other Arab states...the Western world...

There have been protests around the world...as there were before the Iraq war, for BLM, when the Russians invaded Ukraine... I also remember marches to stop Apartheid in South Africa and to protest the Poll Tax... so sometimes protests work. I really don't see anything good happening for Palestine any time soon. There is no political will in America and they are the ones who control the purse strings and they have too much tied up with supporting Israel. But Israel will struggle resume any aura of morality over the situation.

For me personally it is painful to have to abandon the hope that Israel could be a moral country...it should have been. It was created after the Holocaust and having endured so much I truly expected...naïve I know...that  Israel would remember the horrors and not recreate them...but they totally have. Even the language us the same, I totally expect Netanyahu to call for a 'Final Solution' of the Palestinian problem...maybe through 'resettlement'!

DP is being his usual arsy self and taking the opposite view on any topic the rest of us express an opinion... he is sooo much wiser than us and such a genius so only his view is correct of course... DD did loose her temper with him last week...understandably. He was 'parenting' DS2 from another room, which he does like to do...extremely unhelpful which he has been told on multiple occasions. Anyway DD, who was in extreme pain and very tired after helping DS2 make Xmas cards erupted on DP and shouted at him that we all hate him and that they had prayed he died when he was in hospital. No one said anything as every word was pretty much true. DP has avoided the 'parenting' from afar since...long may that continue! 

Luckily DP is finally back at work...the month he was off on sick was interminable...and he is away! We are all enjoying the peace and quiet. Unfortunately its his last stint of working away in this job...pretty much his last stint of actually leaving the house for work at all. He starts his new job after Xmas so we'll see how how that goes...hopefully at least some travelling... we all need to time to relax.

Endless drama

 Lots of drama recently. DP was in hospital for a blockage in his stomach that needed emergency surgery. He was fairly poorly, enough he persuaded the NHS advise line to send him an ambulance...both DS1 and DD were disgusted that he was such a drama queen. I can sympathise with their point of view...he does tend to act martyred about any illness ...all while 'bravely soldiering on'... really annoying. Now he's out of hospital he's telling everyone he 'nearly died'...while totally ignoring the hospitals advise for what to eat. Seriously hope he has a relapse ... I would say I hope he dies but I did the maths and we would struggle...other than that he can defiantly f*ck off and die. It was noticeable how much calmer DS2 was while DP was in hospital, even with all the anxiety DS2 was experiencing. Very telling!

DD is having therapy to try and help them with depression, they are really struggling with feeling like a burden and having no value...its really hard for them. Their weight is also creeping back up which isn't helping and the M.E. is progressing and they have increasingly limited energy and mental capacity. It's super annoying as all of this is happening at the same time as DD is finding a community IRL and is actually getting a social life. Possibly the two are connected and they are just doing too much and pushing to a flare, who knows. This weekend they went to a writers retreat in Harrogate, they did one in summer over their birthday and loved it...they managed Saturday and ended up sooo exhausted and in so much pain that today they had to not go to the second day and are sat with their heated back pad in extremes of pain.

DS1 has finally booked to do his Theory Test for his driving test. He is also getting out more, he went away to London for a week on holiday and has got back in touch with friends. He still gets so burned out working that during the week he basically works and sleeps and then spends the weekend resting to start the process over again. I still think loosing some weight would help him sleep better which would improve his energy...but his autism would still make everything exhausting.

DF finally got Covid but was barely ill at all with it. He is spending a lot of time with one of the other ladies in his old peoples complex...glad he's enjoying life. He's utterly self centred and barely registers the rest of the world... some of that will be his deafness and some his age but a lot of it is just how he's always been. My parents were both pretty sucky.

DS2 was complaining that his brand new airpods weren't working ...they are working just fine. I got an appointment to get his ears checked incase he had too much wax. It emerged that one of his ear drums has scarring...weirdly this was never mentioned even though his hearing was tested twice as a child! So he might actually have some hearing issues...he has an appointment to have a full hearing test and we'll see what that says.

Other than that life continues as normal... the cost of everything continues to increase and however hard I try to save money I am always needing to spend ...lots!... the problem of having a seriously depressed, chronically ill child, a burnt out autistic son and a child with CPTSD and associated issues! I'll not have the old age my DF has that's for sure...no luxury flat and constant holidays and meals out just because...as he said, he has more money than he can ever spend! I really don't have that!

 

Life isn't easy

 Nothing is ever easy for us...DS1 is unable to look for a house and move out until he can drive, but he really doesn't want to drive so isn't pushing to get his license sorted. Even then he'll struggle to afford anything decent or in an area he wants to live. He is also getting burnout and is currently working and sleeping pretty much...I really think loosing some weight, he is VERY big and maybe even doing some exercise would help...not shaming his weight, I actually think his problem may be at least partly sleep apnea Life is hard.

DS2 is struggling with his behaviour...or rather we are struggling with his behaviour! He's being weird about wanting a girlfriend and is spouting incel rubbish. He's basically got the abuser handbook hardwired into his DNA and isn't a safe person. Shame as it's not his choice but it is who he is. He has recently started a new social group which may help. In looking for a social group Sarah.. the St Anne's worker contacted Social Services...all I can say is that Adult Social Services are even wetter that Children's Social Services. I am sure the guy is fine but he's very ineffectual and wet! Fortunately one of DS2's friends is in the Social Group and I got the name of the organising group from the friends mum and sorted it myself.

DD is finding life particularly hard...they have been focussing on eating carefully all year ...even to extent of weighing everything and noting it all down so we can track everything they eat. It has helped spotting foods they need to avoid...potatoes and soy products so far. But recently they have been putting weight on...4lbs in less than a week. Nothing they do is having any effect and its obviously not making them feel great. When your life is so out of control it was good to be able to 'fix' one bit. Now even that has been taken away from them. They started the careful eating to avoid another stomach flair and control the 2lb a day they were gaining in January but it all seems a bit of a waste now...though they have lost over 2 stone. Life is hard.

DF is incredibly, smuggly happy in his new flat and new life. We went over to see him on Saturday and he talks only about himself and his life...now that's partly because he is increasingly deaf and so doesn't always hear anything anyone else says, but really he's only interested in himself.  He forgot DD's birthday...the 4th year in a row... no idea if he'll ever realise he's forgotten...or care! I have no respect for him and no affection. I do the bare minimum of daughterly contact and visits and that's only for my benefit...I'd feel ...not guilty but incorrect if I do nothing. But I certainly won't mourn him when he's gone or miss him. Weirdly I have, very occasionally missed DM...mostly when I've seen a story in the news I know she'd have appreciated. I certainly don't miss her as a person at all but I miss who she could have been, not sure that makes any sense. It's a real shame because I could really do with any family who actually gave a damn...life with DD and DS2 is hard and I someone who cared about me would be wonderful.

DP is as ... unpleasant, self absorbed, arrogant, nasty...pick any, all or none...he's someone I have no interest in ever speaking to or seeing. If the Police came to the door and told me he'd died I would struggle not to cheer...he is not a pleasant person to be around and fills every available space with his crap. The only reason we are all here is money. I am usually quite good at reading people...not always accurate but I get some impression of them. For him I get no reading at all...other than the self absorbed etc...it's like he's just not an actual functioning person on the inside so he has no inner life. Who knows...or really cares at this point! All I know is I loathe when he starts talking at me...every monologue ends up with him talking about himself...what he wrote on facebook...what he said at work ...what he thinks about any topic...he's tediously boring and seems to seriously believe he is a total mega genius and knows everything. 

Haven't heard anything from DB in ages and I really don't care. When DF dies I can't see me ever seeing him again and it will bother me not at all.

The world seems to be going to shit...there are soo many problems with climate change, refugees wanting a life for themselves and their families, too many countries and politicians moving to fascism...its depressing and not going to get better anytime fast. Yes I am as pessimistic as I sound...I do look back at the world I grew up in and it seems easier and less brutal. The climate wasn't fucked and people...in my privileged world...could buy houses and have a life...life isn't like that anymore for most people. Yes I have a level of depression...I've had it for years, I used to walk through a cemetery years ago for one of DS2's therapies, and I would read the ages of death and feel jealous of those who died young. Life is hard. 

 

Life continues

Well dad finally managed to get moved. He's very happy in his new flat and is keen to tell me just how much money he has..'more than I can ever spend'..I did suggest he give DS1 some to help him move. Not holding my breath.

DD is continuing to be super careful with what they eat to avoid triggering any more stomach flairs...not so careful this week as they are finally having a period...after 14 months. It's heavy and painful and if ice cream helps then eat it!

DP is doing his new job...he didn't get a works car so had to buy one in a hurry...just what we needed, more expense. He's not doing any work yet but hopefully he'll get some jobs soon and actually have to leave the house occasionally. Having him home all the time is not good, for any of us. He is loud, aggressive, vile to DS2 and just a really unpleasant person to be around. If anyone tries to say anything to him he'll purse up his lips and huff...totally offended anyone would have the temerity to potentially not instantly agree with his total perfection. Really finding him hard to be around...if I only had the money!

Other than that the world continues to be scary and not a lot of fun. Prices continue to increase. DS1 is unlikely to ever be able to afford to move out...how ever much he saves prices are going up faster than his savings. Also he needs a car before he can even look at moving and he's not moving toward sorting a driving license. It's a real shame because he would love to move on...maybe even start dating...though I'm not sure how easy he'd find that given his current size...horrid to say but true.

In America the Republicans are becoming ever more extreme and trying to fix their voter problem by disbarring anyone who doesn't love them from voting, They have abolished abortions in too many states and are are now targeting trans people, drag queens, books, gay marriage...the list goes on. Britain will be next for a lot of it.

It  doesn't help that I am increasingly depressed. Not enough to warrant speaking to the doctors for medication...I would never trust any doctor enough to be that honest or vulnerable anyway! But I am finding the world is changing too much...little things like all the new buildings in Leeds and the new road systems. It just doesn't feel like my world anymore...a product of getting old I guess but it's not fun. I keep looking back and seeing the past in roseate colours and more rational, more decent, responsibilities as well as rights. I'm not stupid and I know the past was as messy and hard as the present ...as well as seriously awful for far too many groups. But I'm not getting any real enjoyment out of life...my personal fantasy is to get cancer that allows me to gracefully exit stage left. Not going to happen but I can dream.

DD would also not be unhappy to have terminal cancer...they are discovering they are more trans than they realised and finding their female body hard to love.  While they are continuing to loose weight they still weigh 18 stone so are a looong way off being small enough to be androgynous. 

So not excited for anything this year...I continue to exist and continue to do all the jobs I need to in order for us all to survive but I'm not experiencing any joy. 

Update: well DP continues to be self absorbed and .... vile, rude, objectionable, emotionally abusive... all of these and non. He's deeply unpleasant to be around because his only topic of 'conversation' is himself and what he wants to say. He was away for a week...we all loved it!... DS1 sanded down the kitchen table and oiled it, I repainted the bathroom and did some painting in the kitchen after sorting the damp/mould problem... DP not only totally failed to notice any of this....all very noticeable...but continued to pretend he was planning to sort the kitchen table. He is such an arse...if I had the money I would be overjoyed at being able to get us all out...I have absolutely no respect for him and utterly despise his arrogance...he truly believes he is a genius and beloved by all. He is deluded!

To add to all this the top bathroom has got problems of damp in the floor...who knows how big a problem that will be...oh joys!

I really would welcome a fatal condition...I'm not able to suicide, mostly because I don't have any means and would feel too guilty given both DD and DS2 rely on me...but a health issue...well it wouldn't be my fault so I wouldn't need to feel guilty...