Well she is finally dead

 DM has finally died...it's been a long time coming. When I was getting clothes for her Golden Wedding do I carefully chose a skirt that would do for a funeral because she was in such poor health. She has been fading for such a long time it's hard to remember her as an actual person rather than just a list of her prejudices and casual rudeness.

Even to the bitter end she still had to be casually racist and generally less than pleasant. DF is now rewriting history and she is becoming a mum I'd actually have liked! Glad it helps him but I'll remember who she actually was...well my version of reality, so who knows how actually real it is.

Neither DD or DS1 will be at the funeral...DD because she really is too ill to go and DS1 because he totally refuses, he will never forgive DM for her nastiness to DD about her M.E. and I really don't blame him. We will just say he's looking after DD, which isn't not true and everyone is happy.

I have absolutely no emotion at about her death, she was a total irrelevance in my life so leaves no gap at all. DF is missing her, but missing the version he is creating, not who she actually was in the last few years. He will enjoy the freedom to actually do his walking and badminton and go to see his friends. He has so many plans for redecorating the house, new carpet and furniture, the list goes on. I'm sure he will miss not having any company in the house but he'll cope...who knows he may find a new partner.

We now just have the funeral to get through then it's all over...I imagine DF will last another 20 years or more so it's the last funeral I'll be doing for a while.

My list of what I hope for next year will be much shorter given how much has been crossed off this year..new kitchen, sort a bigger bath and get a bath lift, new car and DM snuffing it. About all I have left is DP exiting and replacing the carpet in the hall and stairs.

Mum is back in hospital

 Well DM is back in hospital.... since I wrote the first sentence she has been in hospital for a few days over her birthday which sucked for her...still extremely limited visiting in York Hospital. She then came out and is now back in again...this time probably over my birthday. It's her oxygen levels every time, the result if 60+ years of heavy smoking. She is increasingly frail and now sufficiently confused that she doesn't know the day of the week, the month or even the year! Not sure if it's dementia as such or just extreme tiredness and, to be honest, its irrelevant.

DF is making the most of his few days or freedom, he's been out walking, he managed to get to badminton on Friday night....he had missed a month and more when his ankle caused problems but never got back because leaving DM just isn't possible. He's definitely not rushing to get DM home again and who can blame him. I did talk to him about nursing homes back when all this started in lock down...but money is a major factor...not the lack of it just DF wanting to part with any!

It's my birthday in a few days and before DM went into hospital she was insisting that they would give me the money I need to sort the hall...we need to replace the stairlift, it got damaged when DD's first chair was dragged upstairs...I also need new carpet and some stair treads replaced and new book cases, never mind all the repainting. It's a project for next year and I'm thinking about £5,000. Well DF obviously heard DM on the phone and made sure I was only expecting a 'contribution'...I was so excited, for the first time in years I was actually looking forward to my birthday...would I get >£100 (my guess) or £500...the midrange guess ...or more. The excitement was immense...now of course with DM in hospital there is now way DF will ever remember, I mean there with be absolutely nothing around to remind him of his daughter's birthday on 11th November at 11am!!! Personally I think getting nothing means I morally win as it will indeed be >£100!

DS1 has absolutely no expectation of his birthday being remembered at all and I have been firmly told not to remind anyone...even if  I mentioned his birthday every time I spoke to them no one would hear or care... they remembered DS2's birthday and that's the only one that matters.

DD and DS2 have both changed their first names... neither loved their old names...DS2 because he initially had exactly the same name as his first dad which wasn't good. He is now much happier, DD similarly didn't feel her old name fit who she is now so picked a better name. Now I just need to remember them both.

DM is still hanging onto life and will live another couple of years at least I'm guessing...she will be miserable and unhappy for all of it but she wasn't exactly a ray of sunshine when she wasn't this ill. It will make life incredibly hard for DF but I imagine he will eventually cave and get in some extra help because there is nothing I can do....DD is enough for me. I also have DS1 experiencing autistic burnout which is hard and DS2 who is also finding life hard.

Update: well DM came out of hospital on Monday...a complete surprise to DF who was told when he turned up to visit. He didn't sound overjoyed to have DM home again...he'd very much enjoyed the respite while she was in hospital and gone for a couple of walks and to badminton and a drink with his friends afterwards. Not totally sure if he will be able to keep DM at home much longer but only time will tell.

DM being home did mean my birthday was remembered and I got a very generous cheque of £1,500...way more than I was expecting. Given how totally and utterly broke we are at the moment it was very well timed and much appreciated. Looks like DS1's birthday will also be remembered and DF phoned to check if his birthday was on 13th...it is!

Also DB emailed to wish me a happy birthday and we actually responded to each other ...not at all normal any more...DB wasn't sure how old I was as he couldn't remember how long it was since he turned 50...not sure DM is the only batty one! Anyway it was useful because he is now going to see DM this weekend rather than leave it for a Christmas visit.

The kitchen is finished!

 The builder finally finished a week ago... he may not have been super fast but he was really good and sorted all sorts of little jobs before he left, like filling the gap around the fireplace for me. I'm really pleased with how good the kitchen looks and how well it all works. 

I still need to finish painting the woodwork and we still need pan shelves and cd racks but both are on order and will, hopefully come soon. Just checked when they are expected and it looks as though the cd racks were delivered to a house on the street earlier in the week....would have been nice if they'd let me know. Also not sure why they felt the need to deliver to someone else as there was at least one adult in the house all day! Luckily the neighbours were fine and we now have the shelves waiting for the weekend so they can be put up. 

The new kitchen is so lovely and clean!! To be 100% honest I would have chosen a pale grey for the cupboard doors and the floor but it's not just my kitchen and I don't dislike the colours that were picked. It's also soooo lovely to have cupboard doors that hang straight, you know the little things.

It's my DM's birthday next week, I've ordered flowers as the most boring gift I can think of. To be fair there's not a lot I can get now. I used to get jigsaws but she can no longer do those and as far as I can see she just sits in her chair and that's about it. I think DF is finding being a full time carer harder than he imagined ...though he can now appreciate the reality of my life! Even if he has an occasional flash of empathy it won't last...I don't think I'm a real person to either of my parents and given I'm nearing 60 I have no f*cks left to give about the relationship or lack of relationaship!

Both DS2 and DD have decided to change their first names. DS2 has never liked his name...he changed his surname when he hit 18 but could never find a first name he liked. He hated his name because it was exactly the same as his first dad...now he has nothing to connect him, a fact that pleases him mightily! DD just wanted a name that reflected who she is now rather than who she was... had she not got poorly she would probably have ended up changing her name entirely. Now she's just changing her given name. Both the new names are perfect, now all I need to do is remember them!! Given I've always been bad at names it's not easy.

DS1 is finding out more about how his autism affects him and giving himself permission to unmask when he needs to. It's hard for him but I think the long term benefits will be worth it. He has also resorted his room yet again and ditched a lot of projects that were just stressing him as they were sat waiting to be finished but he had no real enthusiasm for them and no time or energy. His room now feels less oppressive...no less full but definitely feels happier. Earlier this year he got rid of all his formal and semi formal shirts and other smart casual clothes he will never wear. Good for him!

Other than that its been fairly quiet, DP is still someone I'd happily ditch but we need the money and he's not actively vile. At least not enough to be worth the poverty. In another reality we have the money to move to house big enough for DS1 to have an annexe with enough room for workshops and DS2 would have a couple of rooms so he had enough space to have his friends over. DD would have a set of rooms downstairs with access to a quiet, tree filled garden with a catio and places for her to rest in the fresh air. I would have enough help I could occasionally have a day off! \it's never going to happen but it's my favourite fantasy. 

It's been an exciting year so far... the only job still on my list is a new carpet for the hall and stairs, the carpet is years passed needing to be replaced but we can survive while we save up some more money.

Work on the kitchen has just started

 Well we had a date for the work on the kitchen to begin...the middle of September. I got a call on the Friday before the Bank Holiday to say they had a cancellation and could start on the Tuesday! So we had a busy weekend and managed to get the kitchen cleared by the end of Monday. The living room and my bedroom are filled but it's copeable. 

It was only to be expected that DP did no work at all. He spent the weekend heaving and sighing about how tired he was...DD came and helped, a major mistake as she is already having a massive pain flair and is really unwell, but she just couldn't cope not doing anything. She has been super helpful, helping plan mostly but also packing. DS1 was a total star and worked hard even though he had just finished the hardest week he'd ever had at work, his boss was on holiday leaving DS1 to do his work and all the paperwork, organisation and planning and supervising what everyone else was doing! He was totally rung out but still cracked on and worked. Even DS2 helped when he wasn't doing his other activities. But DP did sweet F.A.

Today the old units were all taken out and a start was made on taking off the old wallpaper. It was noisy and DD struggled to cope. Hopefully the rest of this week will be quieter. To be honest for me the hardest bit was the boredom...I couldn't really do a lot...but also DP talking at the builder in his fake matey accent, laying down the final truth on all topics because he obviously knows everything...he is really not a nice person.

Update 1: well we are onto the second week of the kitchen remodel and the rewiring has been done and the units are being built. Freddie has coped far better than anyone imagined. He's basically slept a lot during the day in what ever room I'm sitting. I am hating all the disruption and mess but am clinging to the idea that the new kitchen will be worth it in the end.

To add to the chaos DD's bath lift stopped working. After a game of pass the buck between the company we bought the bath lift from and the company who made it...the vendors were responsible for sorting the problem but were useless...we got a new air compressor and it works beautifully again.

Also the phone decided to die...we got a new one but either the line is fracked or the new phone is rubbish because all you can hear is loud crackling. An engineer is coming to check it but not till next week.

In addition to all this DM is having even more health issues...she has what she said was a spot on her shoulder that had lasted the best part of a year. It 'burst' and caused immense pain and lots of blood...it sounds almost like a boil to me but I'm sure if it was she'd have noticed...a boil get pretty big before it bursts in my experience. Hopefully she can get it looked at and get it cleaned up if nothing else.

As if all this wasn't enough we also have a mini heat wave, the temperature is in the very high 20's and making life less than fun. We would have gone out yesterday to escape the heat but needed to stay in and cat sit instead as all the doors were open with stuff being delivered. Luckily it's not going to last beyond today but I'm not loving the heat.

Update 2: well the heatwave lasted longer than suggested in weather forecasts but is finally easing...less than a week but still not fun.

To add to all the fun of the last few weeks we are now having to get the washing machine repaired! It's still leaking from the front...really annoying. But it's also getting increasingly noisy when it's spinning, not yet at the 'bag of spanners' level but heading that way. Oh what fun!

counting down to the new kitchen

 In my innocence I'd assumed it would take a week to sort the new kitchen and had planned accordingly. Well it's going to be more like 3 weeks, not looking forward to that! It will be worth it once it's all done but living without a kitchen is not going to be easy. 

I had suggested to DP that he fine a B&B or something while the work is done, he sleeps in the living room which is going to filled with stuff and he might find working from home less than easy with all the noise and general disruption. I thought I was being kind, obviously not. He would far rather hover around like a bad smell and play at being a martyr. I did look at renting a storage unit but with the end of lockdown and everyone wanting work done at the same time the demand for storage is high! Obviously DP, after telling me that storage was the way to go...but obviously I would need to sort it, when we were still talking about a week. I was prepared to just leave it and see what he arranged...spoiler alert, nothing...but when it was apparent we were looking a three weeks I caved and checked. But it wouldn't be easy to find so we are back to storing stuff in the living room...DP's other idea was to leave it in the yard! Not an idea I would ever agree to for reason's that don't even need listing.

The work is going to be super hard for DD to deal with...lots of noise and disruption and the stress of all the organisation needed and the general grumping that will occur. It doesn't help that she is having a massive pain flair at the moment and is really struggling. Yesterday she asked to go for a drive so she could distract from the pain... we ended up in Whitby and came home via Ravenscar and Scarborough. She didn't get out of the car but we stopped a few times and she could open the window to enjoy the fresh air. It was lovely drive, but at 6 hours of driving very tiring! Not sure it's something I can do regularly.

DD is also thinking she gives up on Instagram. She's stopped doing it a couple of times before and may well come back to it again but it's just so hard especially when the algorithm means almost no one gets to actually see he posts. Apparently they are 'protecting' disabled creators so they don't get hated on, by stopping people accessing their posts! Apparently they do the same to black creators, and I would imagine plus sized creators are similarly erased. All very shitty...especially as her photos are really good, I will never be a photographer but I'm getting adequate and the last photo of DD on Whitby Pier is actually a fantastic photo, shame barely anyone got to see it!

DS1 is learning about autism and the ways it affects him, and his life. It's really helping him, and making me feel like a shitty mum for not having all this information as he grew up. OK a lot of the information wasn't available until the last few years and not convinced knowing when he was younger would have helped or just made him lazy, well I can't do it I'm autistic...who knows. Certainly DD would have benefited from knowing about her  ADHD and autism. 

We are actually working through my wish list!

 We started the year well and got the bathroom sorted...having a bigger bath is lovely for DD and also DS1 who likes having a wash in a bath rather than perpetual showers but the last bath was really narrow. The bath lift also works incredibly well. It's so much easier for DD to wash, she is washing just because...even twice in one day when her hips were really painful! Getting through a lot of bath bombs! Very much worth it.

The car is also sorted! We'd been half looking at getting a car through Motability for a while bur it obviously takes away part of DD's PIP money so she wasn't too keen. Well this year she decided she's go for it and we got a brand new Honda Jazz...a hybrid so it's automatic...a steep learning curve but getting easier very quickly. DD chose a pearly white colour rather than the red we have had for years...it's very clean and bright looking. Fortunately the 'new' smell is fading already, not a great smell! 

The one job that really didn't seem doable this year was getting the kitchen sorted. After lockdown everyone is wanting work done on their house so kitchen fitters...and everyone else...are maxed out. We did go and look at Wren's, which is a national company, as they advertise fitting, the kitchen looked fine and the price was okay but getting a timetable for fitting was obviously going to be tricky, also they don't do flooring or tiling so they would have needed sorting afterwards. I was doom scrolling lists of local kitchen fitters...something I have done LOTS and found a company that is absolutely perfect that does a TOTAL kitchen fit....they are even going to replaster the room! How I've not found them earlier I will never know. Anyway we've got the kitchen planned and it should be installed at the end of September!!!

So the only job on my list that won't get sorted this year is the carpet in the hall and stairs and replacing the book cases but that can be sorted next year, the kitchen is the big job that really needs doing. It was a really cheap kitchen over 16 years ago and is falling apart and looks grubby no matter what I do to try and keep it clean.! Can't wait for all the work to be done.

Other good news DS1 got a significant pay rise at work...they are very keen to keep him which is good to know. He is talking about sorting his driving license which would be a major step for him. Then he can hopefully start dating maybe and move out...actually have a life!

It is really sad with all this good news that I haven't even thought of telling my parents any of it...they just wouldn't be interested. Even assuming I could get them to hear...I seriously don't think they register my voice, but then I'm not sure DP hears me either! 

But this year is definitely going well so far...okay DD isn't well. She is saying that she may be plateauing, which would be nice, I guess...though the prospect of looking after a daughter who needs as much support as she does long term is daunting...but I'm not convinced her energy levels are as steady as she thinks. She is still deteriorating, I think, maybe just not as fast. Still we are looking to replace her wheelchair, the chair we got to replace her old one is okay but just not what she wants so we are off, maybe next week, to order a new chair...it will be exactly like the old one...at least there won't be a learning curve getting used to it!

Update: well a new wheelchair has been ordered. DS2 managed to break the current chair, not on purpose but it's still broken. Luckily it's still useable but not awfully safe, the clip keeping it ridged has been snapped off. Unfortunately the new chair is not going to arrive anytime soon...looks like 12 weeks and counting. Still it's been ordered and paid for so it will come eventually.

I told you so...

 Had a phone call from DM at about 8pm on Saturday evening wanting me to go over to Malton for half an hour to help as DF had nacked his ankle playing badminton the day before....words just failed me. She appeared to have no concept that its an hours drive each way and DD needs full time care. Anyway DP decided it was an opportunity for him to do his hero bit...I am being snide and bitchy but it was still very kind of him...and drove over to help for an hour or so. He then went back over on Sunday morning for a couple of hours. He is the only person in the house who had any chance of going, in that he has transport and theoretical free time. Not sure either of my parents have any idea how much they were asking.

If either of them had any sense they would take this as a wake up call...just like all their previous 'wake up calls' and sort some support in Malton...a carer for example who could be contacted in an emergency, or move into supported housing. But they won't and I will be getting further phone calls. Not sure what they think I can do...I don't have 4 or so hours free in any day...I had to stop going to the gym because the 2 hours it took was more than DD could cope with, so there is no way I can support them in any real way. DP will undoubtedly have to go on future occasions but he is working all week and will eventually, please God, be back out visiting places. I imagine it will take a total emergency when no one can drop everything and go over to make them see sense. 

I had planned going over next Monday as it's a Bank Holiday so DS1 will be home to keep an eye on cats and DD. DS2 will be at work so he's sorted. Not anyone's idea of a fun activity but has to be done...no signs so far of DB going to see them. As far as I've heard from DM its over a year since he last went to see them...can't say I blame him. I'd do the same if I could but it's not worth the vague feelings of guilt I'd get.

I'm just hoping they don't linger on too long... but I have every expectation they will both be around for years. DF in particular may well manage his century.

DP had to go back to the doctors to recheck his blood pressure as it was high when checked the previous week...surprise, surprise it was still high! Given the simmering bad mood he's in ALL THE TIME I'd be more surprised if his blood pressure wasn't high! Apparently one of his blood test results was also a bit high...so presumably he just needs extra meds. Though I can fantasise that he has something life threatening and I finally get rid! I am a bad person. 

Life goes on...

 Well lockdown is easing...cinemas reopen from Monday which should see life going back closer to normal. No idea if /when we emerge totally from all restrictions. It was going to be 21st June but we now have a new variant of Covid from India and its all back up in the air. Hopefully vaccines will continue to move fast enough to prevent any future lockdowns. Not sure DS2 could cope with any more! He is feeling so much happier now he is back to football and rugby, never mind being back at work. 

We have all had all our vaccinations which does make me feel less stressed. Now all I have to worry about is  DD getting progressively poorly. She has taken a long break from Instagram but is now thinking she might start posting again...we shall see. We went out on Thursday...very close to home and she has spent the time since in bed.

DS1 is having to start going in to work from 8am...he knew it would come but he's not happy as he is not good at getting out of bed in a morning...tough! Luckily it does prove his work is going strong and not suffering from the after effects of Covid lockdowns...there have been predictions of a recession but no signs so far.

I am still waiting for the Council to sort how I repay their overpayment...I can see them being unhappy with whatever I can offer...well their problem. If necessary they can declare me bankrupt, there is only so much money I can pay...or want to pay if I'm totally honest. It's a stress I really could live without but so much of my life is like that.

My parents are still trogging on. DM is getting increasingly tired and getting easily confused but I have no doubt she'll still be around in 2-3 years. DF seems happy enough with his garden, he is even getting out to walk occasionally so he's okay. I fully expect him to make his century...which is a real shame as an inheritance from them is the only real hope DS1 has of getting a house of his own. My parents first house...and mine...cost 2-3 times our annual income, DS1 is looking at ten times that. So he is going to be at home saving madly for years yet. Which does mean his chances of finding a partner are practically zero...I mean who wants to date while living in their parents house!

Update: well today has been a productive day. The Council has got back to me and to my total surprise they have accepted my repayment offer...according to their official letter accepting offer it will take over 20 years to repay the money...assuming I live that long. A total win in my book. I suppose they were slightly limited in just how aggressively they could pursue the money given the overpayment was 100%  their error and they have made a number of adjustments to their system to prevent it happening again. I am very relieved...it was starting to stress me and I have enough stress without the Council adding to it.

The other good thing today was I discovered where we have had a couple of mice getting into the house. There was a small hole in the bathroom and I filled it in...not sure Freddie will be pleased. He caught 2, not sure if there were any others. One he ripped the head off, the other he sicked up. So who knows if there were others he managed to eat. He had fun catching them that's for sure. Personally I'm happy their entrance point has been blocked!

DS1 is coping with starting at 8am...this makes my life easier and is a good sign. If work is that busy and looks to be busy enough for the future the firm is going to survive. Now he just needs to sort himself a driving license and transport and then a house and he can ride off into the sunset....

Well the first job on my list is being sorted.

 The bathroom is being sorted as  I type...the noise is not good and the smell equally not pleasant...but its getting done. I will be so pleased to finally have a bath big enough for DD to use easily and a floor that's not cracked and dirty.

The money situation doesn't look as though its going to be as dire as I thought...it's early days yet but we may manage more of the jobs on my list than I thought. Having DD and DS1 pay for all their own takeaways and stuff from Amazon and suchlike is obviously saving me more money than I expected. I have also paid off all the debts apart from the car loan which is a massive saving every month.  It would be lovely to get the kitchen redone, the units are looking very decrepit and the work top is stained and marked and that's before I start on the cooker and the state of the floor! Only time will tell how money goes but I'm keeping my fingers crossed.

I got a letter last week saying the Council had been mistakenly paying my fostering money since I stopped being a foster carer....I assume I will need to pay back some of it but I don't intend to prioritise paying it back so it's still a win for me. I had the money when I needed it to help pay down debt, which is basically all paid off now, and I will pay off a token amount a year. Given it's not a problem I caused and totally down to the Council for a list of errors...including not appointing DS2 an adult Social Worker which costs us money I don't see that I should worry about paying it back. If DS2 had a Social Worker they could sort out his Care Plan and sort funding it...bet when/if that ever gets sorted that he doesn't gat the money back dated. The hypocrisy of the system always annoys me.

DD is really struggling at the moment...seems to be something that gets typed into every post. She is back to sleeping and dozing pretty much all the time and when she is awake enough to want company she wants to be hugged while she does weird groping shit....her brain is fried and she struggles when she's overtired, which is now anytime she's awake. Hopefully she'll feel better, or at least not as shit, when lockdown is eased/ended and the weather picks up. 

One thing I am really looking forward to when life gets back to some kind of normal is DP being out of the house!!! He has been working from home for nearly a year and is driving me insane. The only thing that makes this doable at all is that we rarely interact. He sits in the bedroom 'working' and I sort my normal stuff. In an evening he sits in his car and does his music...he can sit out there for 2-3 hours! He has had a couple of mornings recently where he has needed to actually visit clients and it's been bliss. I can not begin to describe how relaxing it is to have him out of the way for a few hours. He is plainly getting bored without his fix of, what he seriously believes is, adoration from other people and is increasingly talking at me...I have never been happier to be going deaf. (He has repeated stuff people in his office have said about him and he is delusional if he thinks they even like him never mind adore him....he is plainly the butt of many jokes).

DS1 is super busy at work which is good in that his work place is likely to survive the Recession we all expect after Covid but he is permanently exhausted and has days he's depressed because all he does is work, eat and sleep....he will feel 100% better once he can do his D&D and go to the cinema again and actually meet up with friends.

DS2 is finding this last Lockdown super hard and so I have got him a couple of Advent calendars to help him 'countdown' to the, hopeful end of Lockdown. He can then get back to work and all his activities...I will be so happy! I will occasionally get the house with just DD and I in it...I can't wait.

The only downside to the end of Lockdown is I will need to see DM and DF occasionally but I can live with that as it is never going to more than every month or so for an hour or two.