DM is still in hospital, Malton Hospital now which means DF can visit her through a window near her bed, which makes it easier for her. He did look into a nursing home which would have been more realistic given her physical and mental state.
She is bed bound, more than DD as she can't get out of bed at all without help, like 2 nurses help, so she can't use a toilet and is apparently pretty much totally incontinent. She is not able to cope with reading or watching screens...okay DD gets like this a lot but DM is also showing real signs of confusion and general batshittery. Apparently her most recent diagnosis is arterial fibrillation which means irregular heartbeat which means oxygen problems, which she has in spades because of her smoking anyway, it can also cause silent strokes in the brain and lead to dementia, which would explain a lot about her behaviour for a number of years now. She has had even less interest in boundaries and what is appropriate behaviour for a few years now, I remember last time she was in hospital she was speaking to DF on the phone and she was vile to him and shocked the other old ladies in the room with her.
DF seems to think he can cope with her being back home and eventually the hospital will want to discharge her so he'll need to sort something out. I think he is totally delusional about just how far she has deteriorated this time and that without any additional help he will struggle, but it's his choice. He has had a lot of advice but I'm doing non of it so not my problem. I will offer muted sympathy. Hopefully DM will die very soon so it's not a long drawn out problem for DF. He is more than happy on his own, he has his garden, goes on walks, is more than capable of doing all the cooking and cleaning and stuff...he's been doing it all for years. His only issue is going online, but he's aware of that and can learn it easily enough. He even has a new walking group picked out, so he is not going to find life on his own too hard.
I have been struggling with overeating this past few weeks and think it's very much tied in with my complicated feelings about DM. I don't like or respect her. I think she is an unpleasant, selfish woman who cares only for herself. I have some acceptance that she was very young when she had me and my brothers which is not an excuse but explains some of her mistakes. But it doesn't excuse the fact that my childhood is filled with examples of her saying mean things to me and the fact that all my life I have only felt of value if I'm doing stuff for other people. As far as she is concerned I'm invisible unless I'm doing what she wants, jobs mostly she doesn't like me that's for sure. Mostly I think she is embarrassed by me, I'm fat, I'm not rich, I live in a small inner city house, my children are fat, non of them is successful or beautiful...to her, as far as I am concerned my children are all fabulous and totally amazing people I am privileged to know. I am sad because with DM this close to dying I loose any hope I still had that she will ever see me and like me, I obviously had more hope left than I would have expected if it's hitting me this hard.
I am allowed to want a mum who liked me, note that even writing for myself I don't write 'love' me, I never expected that. I think my DF likes me, but I know he prefers my brother and still misses the older of my brothers because he was 'someone he could talk to'. I am and have always been invisible to my parents and only valued for what I could do, the tasks I performed. It doesn't help that I haven't spoken to my brother or seen him in years. I was the one driving our contact and I stepped back after he hurt me deeply...not caring about my DD's illness....I dropped the rope and he plainly didn't care about me enough to pick it up.My DP is similarly uninterested, I dropped the emotional rope on him over a decade ago and he doesn't appear to have even noticed! It does sometimes feel as though it must be me that is the problem, after all I don't even have any friends, but I think I have been so shaped by DM to be an enabler for narcissists that I am unable to cope with normal people and only interact with selfish people.
Anyway I will not be sad when DM dies, hopefully very soon, for her as well as for the rest of us. She is very frail and looks MUCH older than her age, she hates her life and death would be kind to her and the rest of us. I will try to remember to be kind to myself and remember I am worthy of love and I am a worthwhile person. I am not only valued for the tasks I perform, I will like myself.
Update: well it looks as though DM is finally getting to back home. She had another trip back to York, not quite sure why, might have been a reaction to her new pills or lack of oxygen. Who cares! She did phone me and she is obviously fully back to her normal mental state. She phoned to say that she'd nearly had a panic attack, when asked why she said it was because she'd thought she'd missed my brothers birthday but realised it was June not July. Sounds innocent enough but she phoned on DD's birthday which was completely ignored by both of my parents. She is such an unpleasant bitch. No proof she did it on purpose but the mere fact I think she might have done says everything anyone needs to know about her. I blocked her number on my mobile phone and was 'too busy' to answer when she tried the house phone. She is just so poisonous!!
