Nearly Xmas...again

 Well it's the countdown to yet another Xmas. It's a really low key event this year for various reasons

• the cost of living crisis means we are seriously looking for ways to save money so presents are minimal and food is sufficient but not extreme
• DP is doing an insane 'diet' via the NHS for his Type 2 Diabetes...he's just eating soups and shakes for 3 months and this is, supposedly, going to 'cure' his diabetes. I did mention, more than once when he first mentioned it that the science does not support this and while his diabetes may well go into remission its not a cure! But he chose to go along with it...fortunately he's been eating all kinds of other stuff too so it shouldn't do too much damage...but he will rapidly put on any weight, and more, as soon as goes back to eating 'normally'
• All the kids are technically adults, DS2 is 8 at most, but I have been saying for a few years that I was stopping Xmas stockings and have always been persuaded to carry on because everyone likes them more than the actual presents. Well this year no one is complaining and they have ended... I'm pleased and not just because they are expensive...they are also a bugger to sort!
• Mum finally snuffed it so there's less guilt tripping to be part of her Xmas vision... DF doesn't care and anyway he's all excited as he's living his best life without DM being a drag. Even after his, minor, stroke he's still super busy socialising and keeping busy...he's in the midst of moving to a flat after selling his house...so all good stuff and Xmas doesn't interest him

I'm not bothering with any decorating at all this year...not that I have done much for years. I've already sent my cards and sorted all my Xmas presents. So basically I'm just waiting for the end of the cold weather and ignoring Xmas.

It's not overwarm in the house mostly because I'm not putting any heating on...way too expensive...also the gas fire in the living room was condemned this summer and had to be removed...well the fire wasn't condemned but the chimney was. I have finally caved and got a heater for the room but won't be using it much..and will get rid if it's used too much! Instead I've got dehumidifiers which have been helping a lot, especially in DD's room which has always had problems with damp and mould in winter.  

For next year my wishes are pretty much the same as always...DP to leave... death, affair or we get the money to leave...whatever works! He's really not a pleasant person to be around, I cope by rarely being around him...and even when I am he's got his earphones on so I can happily ignore him.  DM is already dead...yay!...DS1 would be happy for DF to snuff it so he could get some money and be able to move out but  I really don't care, he's not that big an annoyance so far... I'm sure that will change as he gets older and more needy but not really a lot I can do!

DD is struggling... they hate Instagram and as it keeps changing their posts get seem almost not at all. We've already had the 'I'm not doing it anymore' speech...we'll see how it goes. Also they had lost a lot of weight with their stomach flair... almost unfortunately the flair is over so they are eating a mass of junk food and will put all the weight back on...which is a shame because they are happier being smaller and would like to be smaller yet. So maybe another stomach flair in  the New Year?

DS2 is being quite scary as his behaviour become more incel/abuser...no idea what his future holds but he needs to grow up. DS1 is doing really well in work and is planning learning to drive next year and then seriously look at moving out...fingers crossed he makes it. 

Update: well Xmas was even quieter than I'd expected. DS1 had been sending people home from work all week with a cold/flu bug. Well on the Friday I got it and was in bed by early evening freezing cold! I stayed in bed till Boxing Day when I got up briefly and then went back to bed. It's now the 28th and I'm still recovering...not a good illness. Unfortunately DD caught it too and has been ill for a couple of days.  Fortunately DS1 has been a total star and has done all the cooking and general care for us all...as DS2 keeps telling me his cooking is much better than mine...I agree!

DF was supposed to come Xmas day but obviously didn't....we were supposed to go today but aren't...we may get over there in the new year...maybe...assuming no one else gets it!

DP has been doing this amazingly stupid diet...which ends soon ... but has been increasingly bitchy that DS1 isn't cooking for him... there is plenty of food available but DP won't speak to DS1 to ask and DS1 is a total petty ass bitch and will totally refuse to go out of his way to offer. Obviously along with any weight he's temporarily lost DP has also totally lost his ability to look in the fridge to see what food is available and, I'm guessing, the use of his voice to you know just ask!! He is a total passenger that's for sure ...if I had any respect for him...which I don't ...all lost a LONG time ago... his behaviour this Xmas would have evaporated any lingering shreds!

I've finally got through all the jobs on my wish list!

 I've had a list of jobs I really wanted to get done for years... some have been on the list so long they've been crossed off and come back on...decorating the hall and stairs!

Well we are officially at the end of the list with everything crossed off. 

The list started when DS1 came back from Uni with rearranging DD's bedroom to make it more useable for her...getting rid of her wardrobe and repainting it... putting film on the windows and grey nets to make the room dimmer. We carried on with a full redecoration of the living room which involved Francis learning how to lay cork tiles as he worked. We also did the same in my bedroom and redecorated. The boys bedrooms were also rearranged and repainted.

The list included work on the roof...the same year we also replaced every computer/laptop in the house as well as the washing machine and tumble dryer...an expensive year.

Last year we got onto the biggest jobs...we replaced the bath and got the bathroom floor retiled...oh that made me sooo happy...so DD could have a bath lift, it's made so much difference to their life...they can have a bath now just because! We also replaced the car with a Motability car...its a hybrid which is fantastic with the price of fuel at the moment. The year carried on being productive and we got the kitchen totally gutted and replaced everything, its been replastered, rewired and new cooker, units the lot...its fantastic. We even had a bonus in my DM finally dying...she'd been waiting to die for years and getting increasingly miserable so it was a kindness to her when she finally died. Certainly DF has been enjoying every day without her.

This year we managed to get the stairs sorted...they were showing their age and were so soft and creaky I was worried DS2 would crash through a step...we also got new carpet...it makes me happy every time I see it. The old carpet was years and years past needing to be replaced but I knew it would be a massive job...which it was...especially with the stairlift ... which is why it kept getting pushed back. Well we now have beautiful new book cases and a new stairlift is coming tomorrow, the old one was no longer working well, which is what gave us the push to sort all the other work too.

So the only item on my wish list that's still left is for DP to piss off and leave us in peace and quiet. He's off in France this week and it's been so lovely, even with all the work and the disruption not having him around makes everything nicer. My ideal would be to have a decent lottery win so I could buy him out ...difficult as I don't actually do the lottery but it's a fantasy anyway as I never had that kind of luck. Other than that I'd be happy if he found another woman and walked off into the sunset with her...I'd struggle for money which is the only reason I don't just tell him it's not working and ask him to leave...but if he chose to leave.... Also if he was the 'guilty' party and chose to go he'd, presumably, be less vindictive and more accommodating in leaving me and DD and DS1 and DS2 with the house. Failing that I'd settle for a fatal accident...preferably something where I get to sue and end up with enough money for us all to survive. OK it's all a fantasy but then my whole wish list of jobs started out that way...just saying.

Update: well there actually was one more job on the list that I'd totally given up on ...replacing the sofa bed... it was falling to bits when DS1 and I redecorated the living room many years ago and has been 'mended' by DP (the actual work has been planned and executed by DS1 for many years until he gave up totally) many times. He has suggested DS1 'help', i.e. do all the work while he takes all the glory, to mend the sofa more than once. DS1 has absolutely no interest. Anyway DP has finally caved and mentioned that maybe it needed replacing... obviously he is far too important to actually do any work looking for a suitable replacement and ordering it. Anyway I'd found somewhere that seemed good years ago so got it sorted...I did offer DP the chance to make a choice but that's far too much work for him! What a total arse!!

Also having him back is harder than I remembered ...I obviously block my annoyance and disgust at his behaviour so well I'd forgotten just how much I dislike being around him. Well now he's back and being an arse... though judging by his stories of his mum's behaviour there are hideous depths he can still aim for. She is getting even more evil and unstable as she gets older.... I can see DP being similar, if not quite so extreme, as he gets older.... oh what fun. I just hope I die young...well fairly young!

Update 2 : well the new stairlift is causing problems and not working at all...it only got installed 4 days ago and has worked only once! Looks like it may need to be taken out and replaced, which is annoying for DD who would like access to a stairlift when they're up to coming downstairs.

Update 3: well the stairlift got sorted and now works just fine which is fantastic.

things are getting sorted

 Well DS2 got his pot taken off and his foot seems to have healed fine. He's not got any pain and is incredibly happy to be back in normal shoes and able to go to football and the gym and wander round to Morrison's for snacks! The hospital appointment to check his foot was horrific... with NHS levels of incompetence they managed to have 3 of the 4 doctors who should have been there on holiday at the same time! I just can't comprehend that level of stupidity...anyway it meant that there was a delay of 4.5+ hours!! Only the NHS could be that incompetent I was not impressed. They were offering people the chance to rebook for next week, not sure how that would help as it would just push the problem on to an overbooked session the following week. Anyway DS2 was prepared to wait as he just wanted his foot back.

The hall is pretty nearly finished being decorated...the stairs desperately need a second coat, you can really tell that I was barely functional when I painted the first coat, but it all looks soooo much cleaner and fresher, it really had got way beyond needing to be redone. The new carpet comes next week and then we just need to wait for the new stairlift and we're all done. 

Staggeringly enough DP managed to avoid being affected by the work by pissing off. He was out 'getting his car serviced' when we had our first big day working... he managed to be out for most of the day. He then arranged to stay over in Manchester for work...the first time he has ever stayed over in Manchester...so managed to escape all the work as we did a major push painting all the woodwork. I'm not saying it wasn't easier with him out of the house because it really was but it's the entitlement of thinking he's sooo important he doesn't need to be involved in menial work like decorating. He is also really stupid and actually asked if he should hang up his jacket...that would have been touching wet paint!!! The fact that everything else had been taken out of the hall escaped his notice! 

I am also pissed off with his total lack of interest in DS2 when we got back from our marathon hospital vist...he utterly ignored the fact we'd been to get his foot checked...fairly important stuff and just whittered on about himself. I am slightly concerned he is beginning to experience some form of cognitive decline...his behaviour is getting increasingly off, not enough to fully describe but just feels increasingly odd, even for him.

He has yet to mention all the decorating that's been done, not even a comment about how clean it looks. Not sure if he's just stupid and can't see it or so self absorbed that as it's not about him he's not interested...who knows, or really cares! But it annoys me more than anything he's done for years...I think because I would like a partner who actually noticed me and appreciated all the work I do. I've been reading a thread about things narcissistic mothers have said, and while my DM wasn't a great mum she's not in the same league as so many of the mums on the thread, but I still has a childhood where I was invisible and it's painful. The kids all see me...but they see 'mum' rather than 'me'... which is the way it's supposed to be and I am so proud of how fantastic they are .... they all worked sooo hard with the decorating, DS1 even took time off work and DS2 was brilliant. DD kept wanting to do more, but was struggling to stand, but kept sorting deliveries of donuts and drinks...she is a total star! 

Also telling that my DF who I tend to phone on a Thursday evening didn't take the time to phone me, then or later, when I was too exhausted to phone him after all the painting. 

Update: well when DF finally phoned on the Sunday and I tried to tell him all the work we'd been doing he just talked over me and whittered on about the jobs he's wanting to get done...so he heard what I said but just ignored me to move on to talk about him. It was incredibly hurtful....he can tell me what my DB is doing and all about DB's MIL but I would be staggered if he has any idea about my life at all. 

He phoned a couple of times the week later to ask of DP had got off safely...he's in France visiting his mum...so he knows what DP is doing but has no interest in me... I should be used to it, and I kind of am, but it still hurts. I feel pathetic as a nearly 60 year old still wanting my parent to care about me. Well it's not going to happen, makes it easier when DF needs care as he gets older... he can ask someone who gives a damn...and that sure as Hell won't be me.

Hot weather

 To add to all the joys of this summer we are currently experiencing the hottest weather Britain has experienced since records began...it is expected to get beyond 40C in wide areas of the country .... unfortunately Leeds will be one of them. We have had a few days warning so took the time to sort a bunch of ice pops in the freezer made from fresh fruit juice and make a bunch of salads and cold meat so I don't need to cook in all the heat. 

Today is going to get to high 30'sC with tomorrow being the hottest day, fortunately it gets back to liveable temperatures by Wednesday but still no sign of rain. It's been a dry summer with no sign of any change. Global Warming is definitely messing with the weather and I'm not in favour.

Pleased the stairs are all set to be sorted, it had been nagging at me, they look so shabby and grubby. 

DS2 has been struggling with his foot and it has not been making him a pleasant person...I do feel for the poor kid, without constant activity he's lost his most reliable distraction tool and he's not bright enough to find another. It was easier in lock down because all his friends were in the same situation...now his friends are out doing stuff. Fortunately he only has another 4 weeks to go and then he can, hopefully, go back to normal life...well normal for him.

Update: well the extreme weather has been and gone, it was as horrid as we all expected...so pleased it only lasted a few days. The weather is now pretty much back to normal though still too dry. We went over the M62 on Friday for DD to get a new tattoo and the reservoir was frightenly low. DD had hoped she could get a couple more tattoos but the trip over was hard going, she's not a fan of motorways and it was very busy and lots of slow moving traffic with a ton of lorries everywhere...no one's idea of fun. Though it was lovely over the top...low cloud on the hills and rain!

 

Life just keeps getting more complicated

 Well DS2 managed to get a bone in his foot broken a couple of weeks ago, playing football. Its the bone below his little toe and doesn't need a pot...though he did have a temporary pot for a week and a half...instead he has what looks like a Jesus sandal in black plastic. To say he's not pleased is an understatement...he would have preferred a pot that his friends could have signed ...and would definitely have preferred not to have a broken foot. He's off football and all his other activities for 8 week so misses the MENCAP tournament which he's really not happy about. Poor kid, he missed the first time in Geneva because of Covid and now he's got a broken foot! Life just isn't fair.

I have spoken to the person organising the tournament and he will make sure Aidan gets his England kit ...it will be presented to him on the day, he can go and support his team and then will be surprised with it. Hopefully it will make up for missing it at least a tiny bit.

In other news DD has pretty much got over her stomach flair so she can now eat normally ...the problem is that she was very happy loosing the weight and really is NOT interested in eating enough to stabilise her weight never mind regaining any. She wants to keep loosing until she's back into normal sizes...she's okay with being the biggest size, she just wants to stop needing custom sizes. Not sure it's possible but it's what she wants. 

She is having a really bad time at the moment...she's feeling depressed and nothing seems to be going right. Instagram has changed their algorithm yet again so her posts are barely seen and she finds reels just too exhausting. It's all a total mess. On top of that she is mute at the moment ...the total icing on the cake for her! Not sure how much longer she can continue with social media, she's stopped a couple of times before and gone back again but I think this time it might be permanent...if for no other reason that it changes so much so fast.

Other than that life keeps throwing sh*t at us all. The price of gas and electricity has doubled...and is set to get even more expensive before winter! Food prices are increasing every time I go shopping...I had thought we'd manage because we had some slack in out budget..well not as much as we need. We are cutting back on everything and should survive, but lots of people will struggle. 

In amongst all this we are trying to get a quote...and start date... to get our stairs repaired/replaced. They are feeling very soft and seeing DS2 thumping up or down them is disconcerting given the amount they bend. So far we've not been able to get anyone to talk to us...it's annoying as it's going to be a horrid job...sorting the stairlift and new carpet and bookcases never mind all the painting that's needed...I just want it all done so I can stop worrying about it.

DF seems to be keeping busy and enjoying being on his own which is good. He's managed to forget DD's birthday for the 3rd year in a row which is par for the course...he's never been good at remembering details that aren't important to him. DS2 did manage to speak to him on the phone to tell him about his broken foot but DF hasn't bothered asking how it's going when he's phoned to chat....it's hard to have even a modicum of respect for someone who is so intensely self absorbed.

DP has applied for a new job within his current firm...he seems to think it's a shoo in as there is no one else who could possibly do the job as magnificently as him...I don't think he has a chance in hell of getting it. We will find out at the end of the week.

In other news Americans no longer have a right to abortion access and when the Republicans take control of the parliament and, in 2 years time, the Presidency, abortion will be banned totally. It looks like there is a long list of things they plan stopping...contraception, gay marriage, being gay at all...segregated education...nothing is off limits...basically they seem to want to return to the days of slavery and women being chattels of men.... not a good place to go back to!

Update: well to no one's surprise DP didn't get the new job... he now has some Byzantine conspiracy theory about why he didn't the job. Maybe the obvious answer...no one likes him?

In other news we finally have a date for some builders to come and sort the stairs and I have already spoken to the stairlift people and the old stairlift is being taken and replaced which is fantastic, the current one has been thoroughly trashed...we've had it over 6 years so it's not done badly. Now all I need to do is sort the carpet and bookcases...and then repaint all the woodwork and walls in the hall!! Fortunately DS1 has booked a couple of days off work to help...he is so kind.

  

Life just isn't fun

 I realised years ago that I probably had low grade depression when I'd walk through a graveyard and be jealous of the people who died young. There are lots of reasons for this, mostly a family disposition towards depression but also lots of situational reasons. 

• lack of money which reduces our opportunities to do anything fun... or really needed like live somewhere bigger and quieter with a garden...which would have helped DS2 immeasurably when he was younger and would make DD's life infinitely easier and less painful 
• lack of supportive family...my parents sucked and only saw me when I was doing something to help...not great for my self esteem that's for sure. I compounded that by ending up in relationship with a self absorbed arse who thinks the world should revolve around him and I'm not sure sees anyone except him as an actual person. I used to be incredibly hurt and upset by this but long since became apathetic and just ignore him and his passive aggressive bullshit. Not healthy but it's all I've got.
• lack of any actual life of my own. Caring for DD and DS2 ...and DS1 I guess given he's still at home...means my life is lived for others.... not dreadful but I have no time for any hobbies like going to the gym or free brain space to read new books...it does make me feel like a non person a lot of the time.

My current favourite fantasy is that all the kids have left home into suitable relationships or supported living and are all happy...I get to live on my own and can go to bed for a rest whenever I want...even in the middle of the day! Totally sad and pathetic but that's my life.

I would say that my depression is now moderate and is colouring how I see everything...though given how appalling the news is I can't see how anyone escapes depression. The news out of Ukraine about the atrocities the Russians are perpetrating are horrifying, the  comparison  I usually use is the Nazis but, unfortunately there are way too many others to choose from...too many people really seem to want to be evil given half a chance. The news out of USA about repealing abortion rights and all the other rights that will be taken away afterwards is sickening. Old, White men really do seem to want to enslave everyone else...and it's going to happen ... I don't see any way out. Other than that we have the climate crisis which is causing unprecedented high temperatures in India and Pakistan ...for months! The world will burn and mass extinctions are already underway...scary. 

All of this adds up to a world, and a life, I really can't see any point in...I get minimal joy and its all going to get worse as we have progressively less money, with prices going up all the time...and I will continue to age and be increasingly tired while still needing to all the caring and DP will continue to be a self absorbed arse and huff and puff if anyone has the temerity to try and speak to him...'conversations' are for him to monologue and everyone else to listen...preferably in adoring and worshipful silence. He is then stupid enough to bitch that no one tells him anything!! You couldn't make it up.

I am not suicidal...mostly because I don't know a fool proof way to achieve death and I have way too many responsibilities I can't evade...but I wouldn't fight death if I ended up with cancer...my personal dream.

Spring is definitely here

 It's Easter weekend and, for Easter, unseasonably warm and sunny. It's a shame we can't really get out and enjoy the lovely weather. DD, DS2 and I went up to  Aysgarth Falls during the week so DD could get some photos of here in the woods with the wood anemones...it was very pretty but muddier than we'd have liked. Unfortunately there is no way to see the waterfall in a wheelchair, but definitely a place worth visiting again. DD has another reel which is doing well...not as silly as the last one that ended up with 8.3 million views...but still over a million! It's very hit and miss as her normal posts are vanishing with barely anyone seeing them and some of her reels do very little. Still she seems to making an impact...in the last few weeks an company she has got quite a few skirts from has offered her a frock in exchange for her doing some photos for them to use...she is very excited as its a company she respects. She has also been invited to be on a panel for a Pride celebration...unfortunately too far away but still flattering. She has also had a few students/researchers contact her to do interviews about her style...also the Wall Street Journal interviewed her! All exciting. Unfortunately she is also experiencing gastric paralysis and struggling to eat and in lots of pain and experiencing constant nausea... she has lost a couple of stone but probably not worth it. Her weight loss seems to be stabilising which is good but she would kind of like it to stay so she could finally end up slim again but this time be aware enough to enjoy it. We'll just have to see how the next few weeks play out.

DS1 and I spent part of yesterday removing wallpaper from under the window in DD's room where it was coming away from the wall. In spite of all the work we have done to put into insulating layers on the wall its always going to suffer with damp. Anyway the fresh wallpaper looks clean and neater...we'll just have to see how long before it starts peeling off again. Unfortunately DS1 has a shocking cold just in time for the Easter holidays...it seems so unfair that he finally has a few days off and he's feeling to grim to do anything. Well at least he can rest plenty while he's off I guess.

DS2 has yet another new girlfriend, everyone is trying to make him take things slowly but he's rushing ahead at full speed. I really hope it all works out for the two of them...it would make my life easier that's for sure. Though I would then need to find another job. 

In the wider world the horrible war in Ukraine is still going on...the atrocities the Russians are enacting are sickening. They are behaving in ways that match Nazi concentration guards torturing inmates knowing they would suffer no consequences or feel the need for guilt or remorse. It's beyond horrific... truly there are no words. The Ukrainians are still fighting but even if they finally manage to dislodge the Russians it will be a pyrrhic victory...to many lives have been lost and too many lives destroyed. All this is having an effect on fuel prices...other reasons too but this really doesn't help...our fuel bill has more than doubled from very expensive to eye wateringly expensive. Food prices are also rising and there are shortages because Ukraine is called the 'breadbasket of Europe' for a reason. Life is going to be hard for a while...hopefully not permanently. 

Still it's good to see the leaves coming out and daffodils and cherry blossom...we need to remember the good stuff!