100 days

 DD’s health plunged off a cliff in December last year…it has been failing for years…every time I reread old posts I’m always bemoaning the fact that their health is deteriorating. Well last December they officially accepted that they had moved from moderate to severe ME. They are totally housebound, the 2 doctors appointments they managed in January/ February were brutal and not repeatable. When they needed blood tests this week a nurse from the Practice came out and sorted it, luckily they were very nice. But the PEM has still hit and DD is currently struggling to stay awake for more than a couple of minutes at a time.

Today marks 100 days since they last left the house at all. Not a good milestone. The same week they had their 33rd birthday…DS2 and I went to York to pick up cake which made the day slightly festive. DP obviously ignored the day totally…as did my DF. The last time my parents remembered DD’s birthday was 2019…so 7 years ago. The contempt I feel for them is mountainous…the fact my DM is dead diminishes her part not at all. My DB does remember birthdays …with a card and £20, not exactly putting any effort in! He hasn’t contacted me once since I dropped the rope heaven only now’s how many years ago… DD had been sick a few years but that many…but he found it all too depressing. I checked back and first mentioned DB’s lack of interest in DD’s illness in 2015… no idea how long before the he made the comment but it’s been a long time and he is plenty capable of picking up the rope if he’s bothered. Though to be 100% honest if he did reach out at this point I’d probably grey rock him. Once DF dies I’m very unlikely to have any contact with him at all…and I won’t miss him which is kind of sad because I still miss DB1 even after nearly 40 years.

I do find the lack of any support hard, I rarely get a full nights sleep and I’m on call 24 hours of every day. I do it all willingly and happily, but it would be nice to be seen, for someone to say ‘thanks’. Not DD…they are overwhelmingly grateful which is sooo unnecessary…of course they deserve all the care I can offer!

We had a heatwave over the May Bank Holiday…temperatures over 30C, which really affected DD and made them very poorly. They looked into air con and we found out it was very affordable and so they are getting a unit sorted in their room the middle of this month. The process will be horrific for DD…moving stuff in their room and the exhaustion of needing to move…but, hopefully, worth it in the end. The way temperatures are rising is really terrifying…I remember when the only places in the UK that got over 30C were in the south and usually in August…now its anywhere and looks like it can be anytime. Glad it’s cooler currently. 

In better news it looks like DS1 is going to get the keys to his house very soon. Not that this means he’ll be moving out anytime soon…the house needs a massive amount of work but he will be so happy to be able to start the work…he was really lucky and only actually looked at 3 houses and found this one very quickly…it did totally max out his budget but I think he will be very happy in the house once he can move in and then make it over to his ideal place over time. Really pleased, I wasn’t sure he was ever going to be able to move out. 

 

And here I am again

 After not updating anything for months I’m now here with another update in less than a month. It’s not for good reasons.

DP went back to work after his eye operation and we had a week of peace and quiet while he was in Copenhagen. He was then supposed to have a couple more weeks away…which didn’t upset me. Instead his eye operation failed and he needed the operation redone in an emergency again. He’s been less clingy and pathetic this time but it’s not fun having him around all the time being rude, grumpy and self absorbed!

DD had to cancel two hospital appointments for tests…cardiology and an MRI for their liver. They had a doctors appointment and the exhaustion of getting downstairs was so intense they were vomiting and had to go into the appointment clutching a mixing bowl. They had to be realistic and accept getting to the appointments was not sensible and they are so exhausted and in so much pain they really don’t care. It’s a shame they weren’t getting their symptoms investigated years ago when it might have made a difference…it’s too late now. Life would be easier for them if they were sleeping most of the day which was how previous flares have gone. This time the pain is so aggressive they struggle to get any sleep at all.  All of which makes their life even more unbearable.

In wider news Trump has decided bombing Iran is a good idea…he doesn’t appear to have any end game in mind…hardly a surprise given his lack of intelligence, dementia, malignant narcissism, fragile ego etc.Tehran is already having poisonous rain because of the massive bombing of oil facilities never mind the deaths, including a girls school which was bombed twice! The effects are not going to be good and given how insane and psychopathic Trump and his acolytes are they may well decide to drop a nuclear bomb. Israel is obviously very happy with this state of affairs…I have read a number of dystopian novels with Israel nuking the Dome of the Rock…I may actually get to see that happen…Israel is a seriously evil state.

DD has been advocating for a while to get print copies of important books incase online books…which lots of mine are…start getting amended or deleted. DS1 has accumulated a massive stack of DVDs so he can still access the films he likes as so many are being deleted from streaming services. Digital book burning was never on my list of events I anticipated but again it’s something I may get to live through. We have also got a few survival bits and pieces like a camping stove and I’ve stocked up on batteries. We won’t be able to manage for more than few days if the electricity goes off permanently but we can cope for a couple of days. I can see 2026 is going to be a busy year!

Finally getting to update

 The last update was in October and it’s now nearly the end of February, that shows what kind of time we’ve all been having.

Lots has happened

• Aidan’s bathroom has been finished. It’s very shiny and he loves it. Fortunately it means DP has totally abandoned the other bathroom which is all good.
• DS1 has not only sorted his mortgage, which he did over New Year but he found a house and is in the process of buying it! Really happy for him, it’s going to need a huge amount of work but it will be worth it to get a house I imagine he’ll be in forever.
• DP was whinging about his vision in one eye being off…didn’t stop him driving. He was referred to the eye hospital and it was a detached retina…he really is falling to pieces! Anyway he had an emergency operation and was off work unable to drive for 2 weeks…he was soooo needy and following me around everywhere I can see him being retired will be heinous! Anyway he needs a second operation which is booked for the end of March, hopefully he’ll be less annoying this time round.
• The bad news is that DD is now bedridden. They have been declining for years and getting increasingly poorly for a year or so but the final drop was still a shock. It was just before Xmas, after a hospital appointment and they were finally, definitely severe ME rather than the borderline severe/moderate they’ve been insisting they were for years.Unfortunately this means we have had to stop swimming which they loved but they struggle to get from the bed to their chair! The situation isn’t helped by the extremes of pain they are in all the time, which means they get little to no sleep. Not fun.

Xmas was fine, I ended up seeing DF on Xmas Day for lunch with DP and DS2 but also just before with DB2 and his wife. DS2 decided he wasn’t well that day so stayed him in bed with DS1 keeping an eye on him. Not totally sure what anyone got out of the experience…after DF snuffs it I will probably not see either of them again. I occasionally email my cousin and I have a better relationship with her than I do with my brother!

I phoned DF in the new year mainly so I could vent about how scary it is with DD being so very poorly and how much DS1 was struggling to find a house he could afford that he wanted …  DF had no interest in hearing any of it. All he wants are ‘conversations’ where he tells me about his walks and I tell him everything is fine. Not particularly supportive or helpful! To give him his due he doesn’t huff and roll his eyes if I deign to speak which DP very much does…he really is getting to the point where he has no filter left and he is not a pleasant person and has zero interest in anyone but himself. Not sure when he last spoke to DD at all, not a conversation he doesn’t do those with anyone, but just spoke to them…years ago I would guess. He does try to monologue DS1 occasionally but doesn’t get very far. He has been aggressive and unpleasant and bullying to DS2 for years and that’s not stopping…even though they do plenty together. He’s not a good person. He tells me how witty and clever he is on Facebook and will monologue at me about shit he’s seen on YouTube but I’m very deaf and can ignore most of it. I haven’t done any washing, shopping, ironing, cooking or cleaning for him in years. Not sure what he’s getting from staying…a pleasant home and someone who sorts the upkeep of the house I guess. I know what I get and its money…he earns and we would struggle to survive without his money…which is going to be fun when he retires! Still I’ll cross that bridge when I get to it.

Hopefully we get more good news than bad over the course of the year. The world news is scarily bad…Trump is plainly dying and has severe Alzheimer’s which is less than ideal in someone who has access to the nuclear codes! He is being managed by a bunch of heinous white supremacists. We have Starmer who has no convictions political or otherwise and is probably going to let the fascists in Reform win the next election…no ideal. The Epstein papers are being released dribs and  drabs and  show a network of horrific abuse and entitlement …no one is going to be held accountable for any of their crimes but it does show how we have ended up in a world with no morals or empathy. 

Another heatwave

 We’ve already had two spells of over hot weather… fortunately neither being prolonged but we are on the verge of another spell of hot weather with no end in sight, definitely going to be weeks and could, in theory, last till the end of summer. Certainly we are already suffering from lack of rain. Not my idea of fun. The last spate of heat coincided with me having the latest variant of Covid…which was not fun, the only plus was that DD didn’t get it…and DP was away for it! He was back as I was ill and was fucking useless! He was talking about what a narcissist his mum is…she is actually properly diagnosed as such…but everything he complained about is stuff he does…such as always thinking she’s right and the most intelligent person in the room! He has no ability to self reflect, it’s embarrassing.

Hopefully the heat will ease off sufficiently at night so we can get some sleep…I’m not counting on it. The weather is totally fucked, I remember when we had a day forecast to be 25C which would be sooo hot we would struggle to cope so went to Scarborough for the day…that’s not even that hot anymore. Climate change is fucking things up all over the world…perfect time to have a bunch of self serving morons in power … pretty much all leaders no matter what country are as bad as each other. America has Trump who kind of leads the way but he’s not alone. Starmer is pushing through legislation to take funding away from disabled people because he’s a eugenicist knob! Fascism is everywhere and no one seems to be fighting it…when people said what was being done in Gaza would come for all us they were so very right. 

It’s not all doom and gloom at home…Robyn’s bathroom is all finished and is beautiful. We are getting the kitchen floor replaced as I type and we will be getting Aidan’s shower room redone sometime this year. All hard work to live with and disruptive but make such a difference.

DP has been away a lot this summer which has made life so much easier … that seems to be coming to end but I’m sure he’ll be away again at some stage. He does take over so much of the house when he’s at home…manspreading writ large…he really does feel that he is the main character and we are all supporting actors…if not NPCs! 

DS1 is talking about sorting a mortgage offer so he can properly look for a house…he’s more than ready to move out…he just needs a big enough mortgage that he can get somewhere that’s not a pile of shit.

DS2 is still convinced he’s going to get his driving license at some stage and actually be allowed on the roads…he is so delusional.

DD is continuing to struggle with their health…they have effectively given up on social media posting..they don’t have the energy. They are finding life very hard…especially as their cat Ruthie looks like she is possibly getting closer to the rainbow bridge…as there is no way we could get a new cat. 

Freddie wouldn’t cope, even if DD had the energy to manage a new cat.

Update: it’s now October and I finally have chance to update this post.

Ruthie did have to be PTS, it was super hard on DD as Ruthie was with her all the time and was super snuggly and cuddly. 

In order to distract from the lack of cat DD planned long trips out…we ended up going to the Lakes 3 times. They also planned a short holiday near Hadrian’s Wall for the beginning of October. The holiday was planned to be as easy as possible for DS2…it was only 2 hours from home so we could come back at any point if needed, he was shown videos of the museums and where we were going to be. We knew he was stressed about it because his behaviour was increasingly hard the nearer the holiday came. Then a couple of days before we were due to go DS2 had a monumental meltdown and totally refused to go. DD was already exhausted from all DS2’s stressing and eventually just said that’s it the holiday is cancelled. (DS1 went instead so it wasn’t a complete waste…he took videos showing just how lovely it all was)

When DS2 eventually managed to calm down…a long process, he was able to articulate is worries…one of the pictures of the holiday cottage showed cows and that scare him. Also he really didn’t want to be away from his own room, even for a couple of days. Very annoying but nothing anyone could do anything about…I wouldn’t care but DS2 had been bitching for years about how unfair it was that his friends go away on holiday and he never gets to go away, that was a very large part of why we decided to go away.

Other changes this year, DS2 was persuaded to stop making Xmas cards. He’s found the process increasingly hard and needs massive amounts of support. It was easier when DD could help, i.e. do most of the work and all the creative work, but now they are too poorly it’s all down to me and I only have so much time/energy and inclination. Fortunately his Social Group were happy to take all the art/craft/card making supplies so they won’t go to waste. DS2 is kind of sad this will his last year handing out cards he’s made but making them was just too much like hard work and really not fun for anyone.

DP has taken over the desk and shelves that held all the card making stuff and he’s loving it…he’s put all the random law books he’s picked up from charity shops on the shelves and can pretend to himself he’s actually going to read any of them.

DS1 is still talking about sorting a mortgage in principle but he’s had periods of being manically busy at work so he’s not got round to it yet.

We got a grant from the Council to cover some of the work needed to sort the shower room in the attic a the work was planned for the beginning of November. We got an email at the beginning of this week offering us a start date this Wednesday, a bit of a shock but at least this way it gets it over and done with. It’s proving a lot more problematic than either the kitchen or the other bathroom…the waste pipe for the shower will need a pump because the only other way to work it because of getting round steel girders holding the attic up is to put the pipe through DD’s room or the bathroom neither of which I’m going to agree to. They also found dry rot spores up there…which came from some cat litter DP had put down to deal with a leak we’d had years ago…we are so lucky not to have actual dry rot!!! Really not impressed with DP, it’s not the first and won’t be the last dumb shit he’s done. It’s all going to cost a lot more than we budgeted for but at least it should be problem free and water tight which will be great. DS2 is super excited, though massively stressed by the disruption…not a surprise. DD is coping with the noise and Freddie commandeering their chair while he’s stuck on their room being safe which builders wander in and out. I’ll be glad when it’s all done…and paid for…hopefully my DF will be generous, again. 

Update 2: well I spoke to my DF and at this stage I’m not really keen to take money off him at all. He has done this before where he’ll offer help so he feels good then when he’s asked to actually cough up the cash he backtracks…its painful as I have no support caring for DD and DS2…other than DD themselves and DS1. DP is f*cking useless and hasn’t spoken to DD in years and hasn’t had an actual conversation with anyone in decades! Hearing on zoom with work colleagues is embarrassing his monologues are all ‘me, me, me’ and ‘I’m just soooo amazing’!

The shower room should be finished this week…it’s been a long hard slog but, hopefully, worth it.

DF was talking about meeting up and I offered a date with just me…he was very dismissive of that and we DP, DS2 and I will be meeting him and his lady friend in November. It’s just after my birthday…not counting on him remembering…he and DM managed to forget DD’s birthday before Covid and never bothered acknowledging it ever again.

The year isn't getting any better

 Well America is getting more insane as Trump is acting as though he's a Medieval King anointed by God! He's so insane at Easter he was suggesting he's Jesus... not a sane or suitable person to be President that's for sure. At least in his first term he had at least some 'grown ups' around him to moderate his worst impulses. This time he's surrounded himself with total bottom feeders and sycophants, each is worse than the last. The result is a measles and whooping cough outbreak that's just going to keep getting worse as vaccines are increasingly difficult to obtain. All that is before the inevitable outbreak of bird flu that's been on the horizon for at least 2 years... it might hit this winter or we might dodge it again...but it's coming and I really don't trust this bunch of losers to manage the problems of dealing with a major flu season never mind an epidemic!

The tariffs Trump is so enamoured of  are pushing the world into a recession...just what we need! Seriously doubt he has any understanding of how tariffs work and he really doesn't care the damage they will cause. If the damage was restricted to America it would be one thing but it will affect us all. Fun times. 

The situation in Gaza is beyond all words...I'm surprised there is anyone left alive it's that horrific. I've become so numb to the whole situation I've basically shut down. Really not helpful but my brain only has so much capacity for the madness of the world.

DD is continuing to deteriorate...they have all these plans for what they want to do but can realistically do very little. They have also put on a significant amount of weight and are finding it impossible to shift...their body is really making life hard for them. At the beginning of the year they has a major breakdown over their weight and the fact non of their clothes fit. We went through all their clothes and bought a whole load of new clothes..and masses of new make-up...I can't realistically see any of the stuff being used. They can barely get to the park and back without a major break down. It's hard dealing with the emotional support they need...but it's much harder living/existing in their life. They have constant pain and an ever widening pool of symptoms, non of them fun!

DS1 is back in the swing of things at work and is managing to get to the gym 2-3 times a week after work which is great. Now he just needs to actually sort speaking to a mortgage advisor and seeing what kind of mortgage he can manage and then actually start looking at houses...I can totally see why he's not rushing to start the process... he's done enough work on this house to know how brutally hard it will be to get anything he can afford into a liveable state.

DS2 is still making his life hard work but he's enjoying himself which is important.  DF is also enjoying his life ...going out walking and a busy social life. DP and I went over on Good Friday and its apparent that his lady friend is starting to loose the plot...she had to reminded more than once what she'd ordered for lunch and DF was reminding her where they were going on holiday and when. Hopefully its slow decline and they can still keep having fun for a few more years.

DP is a annoying and boring as he has been for way too many years. I no longer have any memory of him being fun or someone I'd choose to talk to with. Now he only want to monologue and if I actually say anything...even its its just agreement...he huffs and pouts and goes silent ...presumably punishing me for daring to speak...if he only knew just how little I care! The only reason he's still here is money...I just can't manage on my own...not with 3, expensive, dependents...so he gets to stay. I can usually get a read on peoples emotional state...not saying I'm accurate but I get some feedback from most people. I get absolutely nothing from him... no idea why, but it's odd. Luckily this summer he's away for 2 weeks...he's in London a week and then straight off to France for his mothers 90th...can't wait.

Just when you think life can't get any harder

 I haven't written anything for ages...its hard to know what to say. Trump is now President again and its even worse than the most apocalyptic imaginings of what he's be like...most of us just assumed it would be Trump 2.0 but possibly less amateur hour. Well this time round he has best new buddy Musk who is getting a bunch of incels to go into Government Departments and go into the computer systems and cut off the money. Really pleased I'm not in USA...it must be incredibly scary for so many people. The news is being flooded with all kinds of random shit...Trump is going to buy Gaza and expel the remaining Palestinians and build a sea front resort there...he's going to invade Canada...he's going to buy Greenland ...and on and on. There are also moves to strip voting rights from anyone whose I.D. name doesn't match their birth certificate...i.e. married women. There has been a lot of chatter in the 'Christian' right for many years about women not having the vote and men having a 'family' vote, they also want to take away no fault divorce and basically remove the ability of women to escape marriages that aren't working. The next few years will not be easy.

While the news is almost uniformly depressing...Palestine, Sudan, Congo...the list goes on...climate change...we have been doing okay. We did finally get the roof actually sorted. The original roofer was a total shit and had done piss all work which meant the original leak was still there. I found another roofer who came out on Xmas Eve to look at the roof and give us a quote...he also gave me all the gossip about the original roofer and looks like when we'd used him before and he'd been ok it had been his Dad in charge. Explains a lot. Anyway they did the work, even though it was super cold and icy when they came...on the day I'd been given! I do now trust the roof is secure. Anyway Dad was very generous and gave a very generous donation towards the roof...not needed DP cashed in a pension to pay for the work...but it did mean we had enough to get a quote for the bathroom. We have been saving to redo the bathroom for a while...the grout is cracking and water will be getting behind the tiles. The sink is chipped and DD would really like a bidet toilet...on bad pain days (virtually every day at this point) bending round after using the loo can be hard. 

Anyway we are getting the new bathroom next month...the couple of weeks while the work is being done will not be fun but it should be totally worth it. We are using the same people who did the kitchen so we know the work will be excellent. Really looking forward to it all being finished.

DD is continuing to flair pretty much all the time...they tend to be in bed ready for sleep before 6pm every day and napping on and off all day. DS1 has had an operation for carpel tunnel on his left hand which meant he was off work for a month,,, he got very bored as he couldn't do much when his hand was still bandaged and the weather was too cold and wet to do much even when his hand was more useable. He is really started looking at what mortgage he might be able to get and what he might be able to afford. Hopefully he can get himself moved out in a year or so.

DS2 keeps having fits of insisting he's going to learn to drive...never going to happen... it doesn't help that DP encourages him in this delusion. But then DP has always has a weird view of who DS2 is...I think he views DS2 as his 'mini me'...okay I can see the similarities, both have limited emotional intelligence, both heavily self absorbed and narcissistic and both see the world very much as they would choose it to be... and neither as bright as they pretend! But even so DP is able to function independently and DS2 very much can't which is the fundamental difference. 

DP is currently on his way back from Hong Kong...we all enjoyed him being away for a week! Its so much easier in the house when he's away...tidier for sure and just less stress and ...I'm wanting to type aggression which suggests he's physically violent which he's not but he's in a permanent bad mood and does like to use his temper as a weapon, doesn't work so well now we all ignore him and I have absolutely no emotional connection at all. Anyway he'll be back again tomorrow but we have March to look forward to when he should be away for 3 out of 4 weeks!

I've barely spoken to DF recently...when I've tried phoning him he's been busy and VERY keen to rush me off the phone...I'm just waiting for him to phone me. He's obviously living his best life which is all that matters.

Hopefully the year has less dramatic news than we've seen so far...I'm more than happy for boredom! For ourselves I'm just wanting DD to be in less pain...it would be good if DS1 manages to get himself onto the housing ladder and move out. DS2 just needs to calm down and be less of an arse.

Update: well DP was as boring and hard work as I expected when he got back...obviously exhausted, he'd had a really hard journey back with planes being delayed and it took significantly longer than expected. But even with that he's been a bit of an arse...I'm guessing he was hoping for a more adoring audience who were excited to have him back. Instead he got total indifference from pretty much all of us. Well you do reap what you sow! 

DS1 went back to work and found it incredibly hard, he's' come back from work shell shocked and beyond exhausted and his legs are causing so much pain he's struggling to walk up the stairs to his room. Not good at all. 

The lunatics have taken over the asylum

 Well America had their election and decided to vote for Trump in sufficient numbers that he won the election...and the popular vote! There has been anecdotal evidence of voter suppression and purges of votes, which seems to be pretty standard in Republican states but unless there has been some conspiracy theory level vote tampering going on its unlikely to have affected the result. It's depressing to realise that more than half of American voters are prepared to vote in a racist, rapist, fascist, dementia, stupid person as President...but obviously they are. Glad I'm not American.

I have read a lot of dystopian fiction so I can envisage lots of depressing futures ... hopefully its not as bad a nightmare it could be.

To be honest I expected to be more upset about the election result but I'm kind of numb. DD is getting used to a new normal with their M.E. They had a month of pain flares and their base level just upgraded to accept the pain flair as 'normal'...this means that they are constantly exhausted and struggling. Life sucks.

DS1 is now driving which is brilliant but house prices are still escalating and he needs to resave his deposit, so unless my DF dies soon...and we sell his flat, not simple given there are apparently 12 currently up for sale with no interest... he's not getting a house. Life sucks. He really does not want to be stuck here all his life but he has seriously limited options.

DS2 has has a few extremely hard weeks. He was dumb at work, saying stupid shit at Top Site... he misspoke and suggested he'd been looking at baby porn...why he or anyone discusses porn at all is beyond me. Anyway he got banned from Top Site which made his job impossible... work moved him to Kirkstall to keep his job. When we finally got DS2 to write down what had been happening at Top Site it was apparent that it was highly toxic and they need serious training...the misogyny is appalling. He is enjoying his new job but very much misses his old job and the people there.  He will settle down and get used to it but it will take time and he's exhibiting his usual behaviours when stressed...aggression, rudeness etc etc, its not fun! 

On top of this he has been complaining about a sore ear for a few days. He was putting oil in to soften any wax and managed to push some cotton wool actually into his ear... this was discovered when he went to the doctors, (actually not true, the doctor mistook scaring for cotton wool).  He also has a slight ear infection. Life sucks.

In good news the scaffolding is finally down but the roof apparently still needs a couple of tiles setting and there is a large pile of tiles needing to be cleared away. Also DS2's bike was stolen...so DS1 is finishing rebuilding the fencing and putting in a new gate... all fun and expensive! It will look good when its all done but is time consuming and annoying. 

DF is living his best life and loving every minute...he's walking most days and planning holidays. He's oblivious to the wider world and if I liked or respected him I'd think it was good someone was having fun. But I just think he's selfish and self absorbed ... definitely my perception is the issue. DB is still out of touch with everyone, except DF occasionally. After chatting at Margaret's funeral I can see why he is so divorced from us all but it is very much his choice. Caroline is working at keeping in touch and we even got to meet up last time they were down to sort more of their mums stuff. DB could do that sort of thing...but even if he wanted to at this stage I'm not sure I'd be interested. I tried to keep in touch for years and then dropped the rope...he wasn't bothered so it stayed dropped. 

DP is away for the week with work...I definitely need a week without him. He had a week off work...which he spent watching shit on YouTube while sat at the kitchen table. He was supposed to be working last week but got a spot in one eyebrow which grew massively...for a spot...and he couldn't see out of the eye with the swelling. He got a load of antibiotics and spent the week working from home...never my favourite. In the end he thinks it might have been a coldsore. There are no words!

Last week DD, DS2 and I went out to the Xmas Market in York...it was hideously busy, DD's wheelchair decided the battery was effectively dead which made it all fun. DD was exhausted immediately and the photos they wanted just weren't possible. Basically they are just too tired to pull together the outfits they used to do and they are just soooo exhausted any photos just don't work...even the photos look tired! This didn't please DD obviously. To add to their woes the Market was pretty shit so we won't be trying it again. I took DS1 over the weekend as he's loved the Market the last couple of years but he agreed, way too busy to be fun and just not worth it.... he did get a load of mead though so not a total waste.

Anyway after being out DD crashed catastrophically hard...they have never been as ill.  Not sure when/if they'll get out again. They cancelled their December hair appointment...their October appointment was cancelled because of their pain flare... they just cut all their hair off today...to much hair and it was painful for them. Winter is not going to be fun.

Update:- Well the second Trump Presidency looks like being even more chaotic and horrible than the first. His picks for his government include someone who's been investigated for child sex trafficking... and there are others equally as bad. Trump is also suggesting he's not planning leaving when his 4 years are up...fun times. 

I'm not even mentioning the absolute horrors that Israel are committing...I feel sick ... they make the Nazi's look, if not normal, not the last word in evil. I will never understand anyone supporting the Zionists. 

Life goes on

 It's been a long time since I bothered to write anything. Mostly its because nothing changes and life is hard and depressing...not a good combination.

In June I managed to contact the roofer as we'd had water leaking in through the bathroom ceiling. He went and had a look and discovered a lot of expensive work that needed doing...what a surprise, our whole house is a total mess and could do with burning to the ground. Its a cheap build and it really shows. Anyway I spoke to Dad who was vey generous and sent a decent cheque...there was supposed to be some left over to go towards redoing the bathroom but the roof cost a lot more than the initial budget so we'd nothing left over. Anyway we get to the beginning of July and there's one days work left and the roofer just vanishes. I get a couple of texts and a few promises but no actual  work and the scaffolding stays up. I gather the roofer has been in hospital all summer and one of his workers has been on  long term sick with a cancer scare... all very dramatic but the constant worry as to if he'd gone bankrupt and how I'd sort finishing the roof and sort the scaffolding was stressful and I had enough sources of stress without adding anymore!

Anyway the work did finally get finished at the end of September so now I just need to wait for the scaffolding to go. And we are still saving for the bathroom refit...maybe next year if we are lucky and don't have any other emergencies.

One of the stressors this year has been my aunt...I've not seen Margaret for years but she was incredibly kind to DB1 and I when we were kids...having us over to stay in the summer holidays and taking us to Brimham Rocks, that kind of stuff. Margaret got me my first copy of The Hobbit...in fact she introduced me to quite a few different genres of fiction...science fiction first came from her. She'd not been well since Covid and was struggling on her own but was very reluctant to go into a home. Well she had a fall in about March and was in hospital for months and months...totally refusing to get out of bed and do anything for herself. She was basically willing herself dead. She did finally get into home but died not long after...I did visit her once but she was very clear that it was nice of me to go but now fuck off. Her daughters were left trying to help and organise stuff from miles away...one cousin lives in Aberdeen and was also coping with her mother-in-law dying, in Ireland, at the same time! Not good.

Anyway Margaret's funeral was at the end of August and I can see why she stayed where she was even when she was pretty immobile...she had so many friends around her and I think staying made a lot of sense. But still more work for her daughters to clear and then sell her house... at least DF has done that job for me...his flat shouldn't be too big a job.

At the funeral DF was chatting to DB2  who was calling him 'Dad'...well my DF didn't recognise him and was asking me if he'd managed to get to the funeral...way to make a guy feel wanted! DB2 has always been a bit unwilling to keep in contact with family but I can see why... when we were all talking about stuff we'd done as kids he kept saying he wasn't there or had been in bed earlier than whatever mayhem had occurred... he is 8/9 years younger than me and will be maybe 4/5 years younger than my youngest cousin. But his DF failing to recognise him...as they were chatting and he was being called 'Dad' is a new low! Its also very telling that no one is thinking that this is strange behaviour and that we should get DF assessed to see if he's developing Alzheimer's...no he just is that self absorbed.

DD has been flairing on and off...mostly on...all year which hasn't been good. They have been working really hard at loosing the weight they put on over winter and with the stress when I broke my rib, and they have lost some but its incredibly hard which they find depressing. They are also finding Instagram very hard... the algorithm keeps changing and is increasingly erratic...but does does seem to shadow ban creators for mentioning genocide or anything other than slavish devotion to Zionism. 

That's been another major source of stress this year...the news is horrific. Israel has gone totally insane and behaving in unimaginably brutal ways...they are definitely emulating the worst behaviour of Nazi Germany! And America is backing them without any question funding massive arms shipments to them...as are UK and Germany etc etc. Its beyond depressing. To add to the depressing news there have been a number of record breaking storms this year... Nepal, Nigeria, Poland and America... hundreds have died and with global warming it won't get any better that's for sure.

Its not all depressing news...DS1 has passed his driving test...so impressed and proud of him. Hopefully he will get himself a car fairly quickly and be more independent which will please him...who knows he may even start looking for a house and eventually move out! 

 

  

Emergencies show who people are

 I managed to trip on the stairs and ended up falling down the last four and breaking a rib where I hit the stair lift. It wasn't my favourite activity that's for sure, but it really highlighted who does stuff in the house.

Fortunately the stair lift wasn't damaged...I just nudged it and sorted that even before I managed to get off the floor. DP was working from home and did come to see what had happened as did DD1. He wasn't overly helpful but to be fair there was nothing anyone could actually do that would have been helpful.

I managed to get myself stood up and, hardly a surprise, I was in shock, so super pale...I was also really struggling to breathe. DP decided to take me to A&E, not a bad decision, but I couldn't get in his car...too low. So DP phoned for an ambulance...talk about embarrassed! Anyway 6 hours later I finally leave hospital with the knowledge that I have broken a rib but I'm probably not bleeding internally...worth checking given I have a tendency to bleed. They did suggest a CT scan which would have eaten up another 3 hours...and would also have required me to lay down on what is apparently a low table to be shunted into the machine...not sure how that would have been possible. I was in less shock and pain so could move a bit but I still couldn't lay down and could barely sit!

DP came to pick me up...I gave him very clear instructions as to how to get to the A&E and there are lots of signposts directing people to A&E...he got lost! I had DS2 on the phone while DP drove for me to give directions...DP is a stupid arrogant twat! Anyway I finally got home and DD had made a nest on my bed for me so I could rest sat up. DS1 fed the cats for me...even getting up at 5am on a weekend to feed them their breakfasts!!! 

Between DD, DS1 and DS2 I was able to rest as much as I needed to the first few days and they did all did the jobs I struggled with for the first couple of weeks. DD pushed themselves into a flair by doing so much...they sat with DS2 while I was in A&E calming him down and chatting, they ordered food, and calming snacks for DS2, they looked after me. DS1 had to get taxi's in and out of work, sort cats, generally do all the physical sorting I couldn't do. DS2 did loads of jobs like sorting litter trays and sweeping where Ruthie scatters litter over DD's bedroom floor. DS1 was even prepared to take DS2 to his Wednesday social in a taxi if DP was too late home...definitely DS2's preferred option! 

The only person who's life changed not at all...DP...he still went to his class on a Tuesday, he still had music lessons, the only extra job he did was to take DS2 to his Wednesday socials. He is truly the most lazy, self centred arse I have ever had the misfortune to know. Unfortunately while I've been recovering I've been a fairly stationary target and he has taken to talking total boring sh*t at me...god the man is sooo tedious and dull. His only 'conversation' is him and what pathetic drivel he has written on whichever Facebook page has had the misfortune to attract his attention.  I am so lucky I'm deaf...though not deaf enough!

The only thing DP actually did after the accident was to phone to tell my DF...heaven only knows why...it was hardly an emergency and really did not warrant telling anyone. I'm guessing it was the only way he could insert himself into the drama....when he's talking to DF he does keep harping on about when DF had his stroke. 

Fortunately the rib is healing up really very quickly...the most unpleasant aspect was the reaction I had to the codeine...it seems the some manufacturers add stuff in to counteract the constipating effects of the codeine...also some people react to the binding agents...no idea which it was but I spent the best part of 2 days on the loo. Very uncomfortable and very tiring! Luckily I had regained enough mobility that I could wipe my own arse!

It has shown me that if I become ill in old age DP would be utterly useless ...he'd probably just not 'see' I needed anything. I never expected him to be any better...he's f*cking useless with DD's care needs...but he isn't even able to offer a cup of tea or check if I need anything to eat. Well I will make sure I follow suit when/if he needs help. Certainly being out of action ... or only limited ability... for a week or so showed DP does f*ck all and I do pretty much everything... and if I don't actually do a specific job I monitor it and make sure it is done! If a miracle happened and we were actually able to leave and abandon DP the house would descend into such a mess so fast and would end up a filthy hoarders hovel soon enough.

Not a great start to the year

 The Genocide in Gaza... and the West Bank and Jerusalem continues. It's really hard to follow the news, its so painful and nothing is being done by any Government really. South Africa did bring a case to the ICJ which agreed what's happening looks very genocidy. But Israel continues...indeed increases what it's doing and no one condemns them... so hard to watch. The news is barely on mainstream media at all so for those who'd rather ignore it all it's easy enough for them to look the other way. Social media is a life line for those of us you are bearing witness... seeing a genocide happening in real time is heart breaking and utterly depressing for a number of reasons- 

• watching the destruction of people, men, women and children...even babies, is horrific
• the utter destruction Israel is inflicting on every part of Gaza is unbelievable, it's total destruction...even more than WWII. The third oldest church in the world was totally destroyed...as well as hospitals, mosques, schools, houses, water treatment facilities...everything. The Palestinian Christian community is being totally eradicated. 
• Israel is also testing new weapons...the joys of capitalism I guess
• the death of any hope I had in the basic goodness of people...while there are lots of people all over the world working for a ceasefire there are more people who don't care or who actively want all the Palestinians in Gaza and the rest of Israel to die.
• Once you see the white settler colonialist, white supremacist, apartheid nature of Israel its not possible to unsee it. BLM taught us a lot about the nature of racism but this has torn all pretence about the toxic nature of colonialism, capitalism and racism and colonialism away. There are a lot of truly bad people in the world.
•  the environmental damage all this is doing is dreadful too...as if the world wasn't already experiencing all the problems of global warming and extreme weather!

When all this started in October my DF did agree that what was happening was dreadful...has never mentioned it since. For reasons known only to him DP has decided Israel is good and anyone resisting is bad... to be fair he is on facebook a lot and is getting shades of red pill. He is so far down the red pill rabbit hole that he will huff and leave the room if DS2 mentions Gaza. DS2 may have very limited understanding but is aware killing babies is bad and supports the people in Gaza... hard not to be able to clear that particular bar! Does not say good things about DP that he can't clear it.

In addition to all the stress because of the terrible news coming out of Gaza and the new ways I now need to see the world and all the problems we face as humans, DD is also having an especially bad start to the year. They always struggle in winter...the combination of dark, cold and poor weather making it hard to get out which leaves them trapped in their room very bored. But this year they are also flaring... badly flaring to the extent they have needed the commode in their room and are settling down to sleep by 5pm. In addition to that they have piled on weight in January...about 2 stone. Last January they were unhappy with how much weight they were putting on after Xmas...2lb a day. So we started counting what they ate and they lost a fairly steady half a stone a month and were just over 17stone at the beginning of June.  That didn't last but they ended up in the 18stone area until winter...which they could live with. They are now heading for 21 stone and likely to go back up to 24 stone which was their heaviest and head off beyond it. They are at the stage where they'd welcome a stomach flair, but that's not going to happen.

DS1 is also struggling with winter... the lack of any light and the fact that pretty much all he does is work and come home and sleep isn't making him happy. He did pass his Theory Test at his first attempt which was very impressive. Now he just needs to book a driving course and actually pass his test and start driving. I think that will help, fingers crossed. Basically he needs a nice partner who gets him and they can work together to get a house and work out their lives. Really don't see him being massively happy on his own but its not my problem to solve that's for sure.

Hopefully the year will brighten up...not got a lot of hope but good stuff can happen....okay maybe not. My cynicism runs deep for valid reasons.  

genocide

 The recent weeks have had the media filled with pictures of a genocide happening in Gaza. Hamas shot rockets into Israel and killed a bunch of people...difficult to give a number as Israel is having to correct its initial briefings all too often and acknowledge that a significant number of those killed were killed by them. Hamas took hostages...all bad stuff. Israel then decided a proportionate response was to bomb Gaza flat...including hospitals and schools. Hundreds of children and babies have been killed.

Hamas is bad, that hardly needs saying...that Israel is bad definitely does need saying. The major problem for Israel in this situation is that people have access to a lot of information...TikTok and Instagram ..... and people have been finding out all sorts of stuff we didn't know before. I didn't know Israel was an apartheid state, nor that Jews and Palestinians are not legally allowed to marry or that 23andMe is effectively banned because it would destroy the myth of Jews as genetically tied to Israel/Palestine...while Palestinians are. All the information was there but I was lazy and only looked at the surface information about all the many problems in the area and accepted that Israel...while not perfect... was necessary as a haven for Jews and that supporting Palestinian rights was a code for anti-Semitism. 

I have read a lot in the last week or so and I can now say that Zionism is a colonialist ideology and that Palestinians have been treated badly by everyone...their leaders...the organisations that professed to be working for their benefit...PLO, Hamas, other Arab states...the Western world...

There have been protests around the world...as there were before the Iraq war, for BLM, when the Russians invaded Ukraine... I also remember marches to stop Apartheid in South Africa and to protest the Poll Tax... so sometimes protests work. I really don't see anything good happening for Palestine any time soon. There is no political will in America and they are the ones who control the purse strings and they have too much tied up with supporting Israel. But Israel will struggle resume any aura of morality over the situation.

For me personally it is painful to have to abandon the hope that Israel could be a moral country...it should have been. It was created after the Holocaust and having endured so much I truly expected...naïve I know...that  Israel would remember the horrors and not recreate them...but they totally have. Even the language us the same, I totally expect Netanyahu to call for a 'Final Solution' of the Palestinian problem...maybe through 'resettlement'!

DP is being his usual arsy self and taking the opposite view on any topic the rest of us express an opinion... he is sooo much wiser than us and such a genius so only his view is correct of course... DD did loose her temper with him last week...understandably. He was 'parenting' DS2 from another room, which he does like to do...extremely unhelpful which he has been told on multiple occasions. Anyway DD, who was in extreme pain and very tired after helping DS2 make Xmas cards erupted on DP and shouted at him that we all hate him and that they had prayed he died when he was in hospital. No one said anything as every word was pretty much true. DP has avoided the 'parenting' from afar since...long may that continue! 

Luckily DP is finally back at work...the month he was off on sick was interminable...and he is away! We are all enjoying the peace and quiet. Unfortunately its his last stint of working away in this job...pretty much his last stint of actually leaving the house for work at all. He starts his new job after Xmas so we'll see how how that goes...hopefully at least some travelling... we all need to time to relax.

Endless drama

 Lots of drama recently. DP was in hospital for a blockage in his stomach that needed emergency surgery. He was fairly poorly, enough he persuaded the NHS advise line to send him an ambulance...both DS1 and DD were disgusted that he was such a drama queen. I can sympathise with their point of view...he does tend to act martyred about any illness ...all while 'bravely soldiering on'... really annoying. Now he's out of hospital he's telling everyone he 'nearly died'...while totally ignoring the hospitals advise for what to eat. Seriously hope he has a relapse ... I would say I hope he dies but I did the maths and we would struggle...other than that he can defiantly f*ck off and die. It was noticeable how much calmer DS2 was while DP was in hospital, even with all the anxiety DS2 was experiencing. Very telling!

DD is having therapy to try and help them with depression, they are really struggling with feeling like a burden and having no value...its really hard for them. Their weight is also creeping back up which isn't helping and the M.E. is progressing and they have increasingly limited energy and mental capacity. It's super annoying as all of this is happening at the same time as DD is finding a community IRL and is actually getting a social life. Possibly the two are connected and they are just doing too much and pushing to a flare, who knows. This weekend they went to a writers retreat in Harrogate, they did one in summer over their birthday and loved it...they managed Saturday and ended up sooo exhausted and in so much pain that today they had to not go to the second day and are sat with their heated back pad in extremes of pain.

DS1 has finally booked to do his Theory Test for his driving test. He is also getting out more, he went away to London for a week on holiday and has got back in touch with friends. He still gets so burned out working that during the week he basically works and sleeps and then spends the weekend resting to start the process over again. I still think loosing some weight would help him sleep better which would improve his energy...but his autism would still make everything exhausting.

DF finally got Covid but was barely ill at all with it. He is spending a lot of time with one of the other ladies in his old peoples complex...glad he's enjoying life. He's utterly self centred and barely registers the rest of the world... some of that will be his deafness and some his age but a lot of it is just how he's always been. My parents were both pretty sucky.

DS2 was complaining that his brand new airpods weren't working ...they are working just fine. I got an appointment to get his ears checked incase he had too much wax. It emerged that one of his ear drums has scarring...weirdly this was never mentioned even though his hearing was tested twice as a child! So he might actually have some hearing issues...he has an appointment to have a full hearing test and we'll see what that says.

Other than that life continues as normal... the cost of everything continues to increase and however hard I try to save money I am always needing to spend ...lots!... the problem of having a seriously depressed, chronically ill child, a burnt out autistic son and a child with CPTSD and associated issues! I'll not have the old age my DF has that's for sure...no luxury flat and constant holidays and meals out just because...as he said, he has more money than he can ever spend! I really don't have that!

 

Life isn't easy

 Nothing is ever easy for us...DS1 is unable to look for a house and move out until he can drive, but he really doesn't want to drive so isn't pushing to get his license sorted. Even then he'll struggle to afford anything decent or in an area he wants to live. He is also getting burnout and is currently working and sleeping pretty much...I really think loosing some weight, he is VERY big and maybe even doing some exercise would help...not shaming his weight, I actually think his problem may be at least partly sleep apnea Life is hard.

DS2 is struggling with his behaviour...or rather we are struggling with his behaviour! He's being weird about wanting a girlfriend and is spouting incel rubbish. He's basically got the abuser handbook hardwired into his DNA and isn't a safe person. Shame as it's not his choice but it is who he is. He has recently started a new social group which may help. In looking for a social group Sarah.. the St Anne's worker contacted Social Services...all I can say is that Adult Social Services are even wetter that Children's Social Services. I am sure the guy is fine but he's very ineffectual and wet! Fortunately one of DS2's friends is in the Social Group and I got the name of the organising group from the friends mum and sorted it myself.

DD is finding life particularly hard...they have been focussing on eating carefully all year ...even to extent of weighing everything and noting it all down so we can track everything they eat. It has helped spotting foods they need to avoid...potatoes and soy products so far. But recently they have been putting weight on...4lbs in less than a week. Nothing they do is having any effect and its obviously not making them feel great. When your life is so out of control it was good to be able to 'fix' one bit. Now even that has been taken away from them. They started the careful eating to avoid another stomach flair and control the 2lb a day they were gaining in January but it all seems a bit of a waste now...though they have lost over 2 stone. Life is hard.

DF is incredibly, smuggly happy in his new flat and new life. We went over to see him on Saturday and he talks only about himself and his life...now that's partly because he is increasingly deaf and so doesn't always hear anything anyone else says, but really he's only interested in himself.  He forgot DD's birthday...the 4th year in a row... no idea if he'll ever realise he's forgotten...or care! I have no respect for him and no affection. I do the bare minimum of daughterly contact and visits and that's only for my benefit...I'd feel ...not guilty but incorrect if I do nothing. But I certainly won't mourn him when he's gone or miss him. Weirdly I have, very occasionally missed DM...mostly when I've seen a story in the news I know she'd have appreciated. I certainly don't miss her as a person at all but I miss who she could have been, not sure that makes any sense. It's a real shame because I could really do with any family who actually gave a damn...life with DD and DS2 is hard and I someone who cared about me would be wonderful.

DP is as ... unpleasant, self absorbed, arrogant, nasty...pick any, all or none...he's someone I have no interest in ever speaking to or seeing. If the Police came to the door and told me he'd died I would struggle not to cheer...he is not a pleasant person to be around and fills every available space with his crap. The only reason we are all here is money. I am usually quite good at reading people...not always accurate but I get some impression of them. For him I get no reading at all...other than the self absorbed etc...it's like he's just not an actual functioning person on the inside so he has no inner life. Who knows...or really cares at this point! All I know is I loathe when he starts talking at me...every monologue ends up with him talking about himself...what he wrote on facebook...what he said at work ...what he thinks about any topic...he's tediously boring and seems to seriously believe he is a total mega genius and knows everything. 

Haven't heard anything from DB in ages and I really don't care. When DF dies I can't see me ever seeing him again and it will bother me not at all.

The world seems to be going to shit...there are soo many problems with climate change, refugees wanting a life for themselves and their families, too many countries and politicians moving to fascism...its depressing and not going to get better anytime fast. Yes I am as pessimistic as I sound...I do look back at the world I grew up in and it seems easier and less brutal. The climate wasn't fucked and people...in my privileged world...could buy houses and have a life...life isn't like that anymore for most people. Yes I have a level of depression...I've had it for years, I used to walk through a cemetery years ago for one of DS2's therapies, and I would read the ages of death and feel jealous of those who died young. Life is hard. 

 

Life continues

Well dad finally managed to get moved. He's very happy in his new flat and is keen to tell me just how much money he has..'more than I can ever spend'..I did suggest he give DS1 some to help him move. Not holding my breath.

DD is continuing to be super careful with what they eat to avoid triggering any more stomach flairs...not so careful this week as they are finally having a period...after 14 months. It's heavy and painful and if ice cream helps then eat it!

DP is doing his new job...he didn't get a works car so had to buy one in a hurry...just what we needed, more expense. He's not doing any work yet but hopefully he'll get some jobs soon and actually have to leave the house occasionally. Having him home all the time is not good, for any of us. He is loud, aggressive, vile to DS2 and just a really unpleasant person to be around. If anyone tries to say anything to him he'll purse up his lips and huff...totally offended anyone would have the temerity to potentially not instantly agree with his total perfection. Really finding him hard to be around...if I only had the money!

Other than that the world continues to be scary and not a lot of fun. Prices continue to increase. DS1 is unlikely to ever be able to afford to move out...how ever much he saves prices are going up faster than his savings. Also he needs a car before he can even look at moving and he's not moving toward sorting a driving license. It's a real shame because he would love to move on...maybe even start dating...though I'm not sure how easy he'd find that given his current size...horrid to say but true.

In America the Republicans are becoming ever more extreme and trying to fix their voter problem by disbarring anyone who doesn't love them from voting, They have abolished abortions in too many states and are are now targeting trans people, drag queens, books, gay marriage...the list goes on. Britain will be next for a lot of it.

It  doesn't help that I am increasingly depressed. Not enough to warrant speaking to the doctors for medication...I would never trust any doctor enough to be that honest or vulnerable anyway! But I am finding the world is changing too much...little things like all the new buildings in Leeds and the new road systems. It just doesn't feel like my world anymore...a product of getting old I guess but it's not fun. I keep looking back and seeing the past in roseate colours and more rational, more decent, responsibilities as well as rights. I'm not stupid and I know the past was as messy and hard as the present ...as well as seriously awful for far too many groups. But I'm not getting any real enjoyment out of life...my personal fantasy is to get cancer that allows me to gracefully exit stage left. Not going to happen but I can dream.

DD would also not be unhappy to have terminal cancer...they are discovering they are more trans than they realised and finding their female body hard to love.  While they are continuing to loose weight they still weigh 18 stone so are a looong way off being small enough to be androgynous. 

So not excited for anything this year...I continue to exist and continue to do all the jobs I need to in order for us all to survive but I'm not experiencing any joy. 

Update: well DP continues to be self absorbed and .... vile, rude, objectionable, emotionally abusive... all of these and non. He's deeply unpleasant to be around because his only topic of 'conversation' is himself and what he wants to say. He was away for a week...we all loved it!... DS1 sanded down the kitchen table and oiled it, I repainted the bathroom and did some painting in the kitchen after sorting the damp/mould problem... DP not only totally failed to notice any of this....all very noticeable...but continued to pretend he was planning to sort the kitchen table. He is such an arse...if I had the money I would be overjoyed at being able to get us all out...I have absolutely no respect for him and utterly despise his arrogance...he truly believes he is a genius and beloved by all. He is deluded!

To add to all this the top bathroom has got problems of damp in the floor...who knows how big a problem that will be...oh joys!

I really would welcome a fatal condition...I'm not able to suicide, mostly because I don't have any means and would feel too guilty given both DD and DS2 rely on me...but a health issue...well it wouldn't be my fault so I wouldn't need to feel guilty...

 

Nearly Xmas...again

 Well it's the countdown to yet another Xmas. It's a really low key event this year for various reasons

• the cost of living crisis means we are seriously looking for ways to save money so presents are minimal and food is sufficient but not extreme
• DP is doing an insane 'diet' via the NHS for his Type 2 Diabetes...he's just eating soups and shakes for 3 months and this is, supposedly, going to 'cure' his diabetes. I did mention, more than once when he first mentioned it that the science does not support this and while his diabetes may well go into remission its not a cure! But he chose to go along with it...fortunately he's been eating all kinds of other stuff too so it shouldn't do too much damage...but he will rapidly put on any weight, and more, as soon as goes back to eating 'normally'
• All the kids are technically adults, DS2 is 8 at most, but I have been saying for a few years that I was stopping Xmas stockings and have always been persuaded to carry on because everyone likes them more than the actual presents. Well this year no one is complaining and they have ended... I'm pleased and not just because they are expensive...they are also a bugger to sort!
• Mum finally snuffed it so there's less guilt tripping to be part of her Xmas vision... DF doesn't care and anyway he's all excited as he's living his best life without DM being a drag. Even after his, minor, stroke he's still super busy socialising and keeping busy...he's in the midst of moving to a flat after selling his house...so all good stuff and Xmas doesn't interest him

I'm not bothering with any decorating at all this year...not that I have done much for years. I've already sent my cards and sorted all my Xmas presents. So basically I'm just waiting for the end of the cold weather and ignoring Xmas.

It's not overwarm in the house mostly because I'm not putting any heating on...way too expensive...also the gas fire in the living room was condemned this summer and had to be removed...well the fire wasn't condemned but the chimney was. I have finally caved and got a heater for the room but won't be using it much..and will get rid if it's used too much! Instead I've got dehumidifiers which have been helping a lot, especially in DD's room which has always had problems with damp and mould in winter.  

For next year my wishes are pretty much the same as always...DP to leave... death, affair or we get the money to leave...whatever works! He's really not a pleasant person to be around, I cope by rarely being around him...and even when I am he's got his earphones on so I can happily ignore him.  DM is already dead...yay!...DS1 would be happy for DF to snuff it so he could get some money and be able to move out but  I really don't care, he's not that big an annoyance so far... I'm sure that will change as he gets older and more needy but not really a lot I can do!

DD is struggling... they hate Instagram and as it keeps changing their posts get seem almost not at all. We've already had the 'I'm not doing it anymore' speech...we'll see how it goes. Also they had lost a lot of weight with their stomach flair... almost unfortunately the flair is over so they are eating a mass of junk food and will put all the weight back on...which is a shame because they are happier being smaller and would like to be smaller yet. So maybe another stomach flair in  the New Year?

DS2 is being quite scary as his behaviour become more incel/abuser...no idea what his future holds but he needs to grow up. DS1 is doing really well in work and is planning learning to drive next year and then seriously look at moving out...fingers crossed he makes it. 

Update: well Xmas was even quieter than I'd expected. DS1 had been sending people home from work all week with a cold/flu bug. Well on the Friday I got it and was in bed by early evening freezing cold! I stayed in bed till Boxing Day when I got up briefly and then went back to bed. It's now the 28th and I'm still recovering...not a good illness. Unfortunately DD caught it too and has been ill for a couple of days.  Fortunately DS1 has been a total star and has done all the cooking and general care for us all...as DS2 keeps telling me his cooking is much better than mine...I agree!

DF was supposed to come Xmas day but obviously didn't....we were supposed to go today but aren't...we may get over there in the new year...maybe...assuming no one else gets it!

DP has been doing this amazingly stupid diet...which ends soon ... but has been increasingly bitchy that DS1 isn't cooking for him... there is plenty of food available but DP won't speak to DS1 to ask and DS1 is a total petty ass bitch and will totally refuse to go out of his way to offer. Obviously along with any weight he's temporarily lost DP has also totally lost his ability to look in the fridge to see what food is available and, I'm guessing, the use of his voice to you know just ask!! He is a total passenger that's for sure ...if I had any respect for him...which I don't ...all lost a LONG time ago... his behaviour this Xmas would have evaporated any lingering shreds!

I've finally got through all the jobs on my wish list!

 I've had a list of jobs I really wanted to get done for years... some have been on the list so long they've been crossed off and come back on...decorating the hall and stairs!

Well we are officially at the end of the list with everything crossed off. 

The list started when DS1 came back from Uni with rearranging DD's bedroom to make it more useable for her...getting rid of her wardrobe and repainting it... putting film on the windows and grey nets to make the room dimmer. We carried on with a full redecoration of the living room which involved Francis learning how to lay cork tiles as he worked. We also did the same in my bedroom and redecorated. The boys bedrooms were also rearranged and repainted.

The list included work on the roof...the same year we also replaced every computer/laptop in the house as well as the washing machine and tumble dryer...an expensive year.

Last year we got onto the biggest jobs...we replaced the bath and got the bathroom floor retiled...oh that made me sooo happy...so DD could have a bath lift, it's made so much difference to their life...they can have a bath now just because! We also replaced the car with a Motability car...its a hybrid which is fantastic with the price of fuel at the moment. The year carried on being productive and we got the kitchen totally gutted and replaced everything, its been replastered, rewired and new cooker, units the lot...its fantastic. We even had a bonus in my DM finally dying...she'd been waiting to die for years and getting increasingly miserable so it was a kindness to her when she finally died. Certainly DF has been enjoying every day without her.

This year we managed to get the stairs sorted...they were showing their age and were so soft and creaky I was worried DS2 would crash through a step...we also got new carpet...it makes me happy every time I see it. The old carpet was years and years past needing to be replaced but I knew it would be a massive job...which it was...especially with the stairlift ... which is why it kept getting pushed back. Well we now have beautiful new book cases and a new stairlift is coming tomorrow, the old one was no longer working well, which is what gave us the push to sort all the other work too.

So the only item on my wish list that's still left is for DP to piss off and leave us in peace and quiet. He's off in France this week and it's been so lovely, even with all the work and the disruption not having him around makes everything nicer. My ideal would be to have a decent lottery win so I could buy him out ...difficult as I don't actually do the lottery but it's a fantasy anyway as I never had that kind of luck. Other than that I'd be happy if he found another woman and walked off into the sunset with her...I'd struggle for money which is the only reason I don't just tell him it's not working and ask him to leave...but if he chose to leave.... Also if he was the 'guilty' party and chose to go he'd, presumably, be less vindictive and more accommodating in leaving me and DD and DS1 and DS2 with the house. Failing that I'd settle for a fatal accident...preferably something where I get to sue and end up with enough money for us all to survive. OK it's all a fantasy but then my whole wish list of jobs started out that way...just saying.

Update: well there actually was one more job on the list that I'd totally given up on ...replacing the sofa bed... it was falling to bits when DS1 and I redecorated the living room many years ago and has been 'mended' by DP (the actual work has been planned and executed by DS1 for many years until he gave up totally) many times. He has suggested DS1 'help', i.e. do all the work while he takes all the glory, to mend the sofa more than once. DS1 has absolutely no interest. Anyway DP has finally caved and mentioned that maybe it needed replacing... obviously he is far too important to actually do any work looking for a suitable replacement and ordering it. Anyway I'd found somewhere that seemed good years ago so got it sorted...I did offer DP the chance to make a choice but that's far too much work for him! What a total arse!!

Also having him back is harder than I remembered ...I obviously block my annoyance and disgust at his behaviour so well I'd forgotten just how much I dislike being around him. Well now he's back and being an arse... though judging by his stories of his mum's behaviour there are hideous depths he can still aim for. She is getting even more evil and unstable as she gets older.... I can see DP being similar, if not quite so extreme, as he gets older.... oh what fun. I just hope I die young...well fairly young!

Update 2 : well the new stairlift is causing problems and not working at all...it only got installed 4 days ago and has worked only once! Looks like it may need to be taken out and replaced, which is annoying for DD who would like access to a stairlift when they're up to coming downstairs.

Update 3: well the stairlift got sorted and now works just fine which is fantastic.

things are getting sorted

 Well DS2 got his pot taken off and his foot seems to have healed fine. He's not got any pain and is incredibly happy to be back in normal shoes and able to go to football and the gym and wander round to Morrison's for snacks! The hospital appointment to check his foot was horrific... with NHS levels of incompetence they managed to have 3 of the 4 doctors who should have been there on holiday at the same time! I just can't comprehend that level of stupidity...anyway it meant that there was a delay of 4.5+ hours!! Only the NHS could be that incompetent I was not impressed. They were offering people the chance to rebook for next week, not sure how that would help as it would just push the problem on to an overbooked session the following week. Anyway DS2 was prepared to wait as he just wanted his foot back.

The hall is pretty nearly finished being decorated...the stairs desperately need a second coat, you can really tell that I was barely functional when I painted the first coat, but it all looks soooo much cleaner and fresher, it really had got way beyond needing to be redone. The new carpet comes next week and then we just need to wait for the new stairlift and we're all done. 

Staggeringly enough DP managed to avoid being affected by the work by pissing off. He was out 'getting his car serviced' when we had our first big day working... he managed to be out for most of the day. He then arranged to stay over in Manchester for work...the first time he has ever stayed over in Manchester...so managed to escape all the work as we did a major push painting all the woodwork. I'm not saying it wasn't easier with him out of the house because it really was but it's the entitlement of thinking he's sooo important he doesn't need to be involved in menial work like decorating. He is also really stupid and actually asked if he should hang up his jacket...that would have been touching wet paint!!! The fact that everything else had been taken out of the hall escaped his notice! 

I am also pissed off with his total lack of interest in DS2 when we got back from our marathon hospital vist...he utterly ignored the fact we'd been to get his foot checked...fairly important stuff and just whittered on about himself. I am slightly concerned he is beginning to experience some form of cognitive decline...his behaviour is getting increasingly off, not enough to fully describe but just feels increasingly odd, even for him.

He has yet to mention all the decorating that's been done, not even a comment about how clean it looks. Not sure if he's just stupid and can't see it or so self absorbed that as it's not about him he's not interested...who knows, or really cares! But it annoys me more than anything he's done for years...I think because I would like a partner who actually noticed me and appreciated all the work I do. I've been reading a thread about things narcissistic mothers have said, and while my DM wasn't a great mum she's not in the same league as so many of the mums on the thread, but I still has a childhood where I was invisible and it's painful. The kids all see me...but they see 'mum' rather than 'me'... which is the way it's supposed to be and I am so proud of how fantastic they are .... they all worked sooo hard with the decorating, DS1 even took time off work and DS2 was brilliant. DD kept wanting to do more, but was struggling to stand, but kept sorting deliveries of donuts and drinks...she is a total star! 

Also telling that my DF who I tend to phone on a Thursday evening didn't take the time to phone me, then or later, when I was too exhausted to phone him after all the painting. 

Update: well when DF finally phoned on the Sunday and I tried to tell him all the work we'd been doing he just talked over me and whittered on about the jobs he's wanting to get done...so he heard what I said but just ignored me to move on to talk about him. It was incredibly hurtful....he can tell me what my DB is doing and all about DB's MIL but I would be staggered if he has any idea about my life at all. 

He phoned a couple of times the week later to ask of DP had got off safely...he's in France visiting his mum...so he knows what DP is doing but has no interest in me... I should be used to it, and I kind of am, but it still hurts. I feel pathetic as a nearly 60 year old still wanting my parent to care about me. Well it's not going to happen, makes it easier when DF needs care as he gets older... he can ask someone who gives a damn...and that sure as Hell won't be me.

Hot weather

 To add to all the joys of this summer we are currently experiencing the hottest weather Britain has experienced since records began...it is expected to get beyond 40C in wide areas of the country .... unfortunately Leeds will be one of them. We have had a few days warning so took the time to sort a bunch of ice pops in the freezer made from fresh fruit juice and make a bunch of salads and cold meat so I don't need to cook in all the heat. 

Today is going to get to high 30'sC with tomorrow being the hottest day, fortunately it gets back to liveable temperatures by Wednesday but still no sign of rain. It's been a dry summer with no sign of any change. Global Warming is definitely messing with the weather and I'm not in favour.

Pleased the stairs are all set to be sorted, it had been nagging at me, they look so shabby and grubby. 

DS2 has been struggling with his foot and it has not been making him a pleasant person...I do feel for the poor kid, without constant activity he's lost his most reliable distraction tool and he's not bright enough to find another. It was easier in lock down because all his friends were in the same situation...now his friends are out doing stuff. Fortunately he only has another 4 weeks to go and then he can, hopefully, go back to normal life...well normal for him.

Update: well the extreme weather has been and gone, it was as horrid as we all expected...so pleased it only lasted a few days. The weather is now pretty much back to normal though still too dry. We went over the M62 on Friday for DD to get a new tattoo and the reservoir was frightenly low. DD had hoped she could get a couple more tattoos but the trip over was hard going, she's not a fan of motorways and it was very busy and lots of slow moving traffic with a ton of lorries everywhere...no one's idea of fun. Though it was lovely over the top...low cloud on the hills and rain!

 

Life just keeps getting more complicated

 Well DS2 managed to get a bone in his foot broken a couple of weeks ago, playing football. Its the bone below his little toe and doesn't need a pot...though he did have a temporary pot for a week and a half...instead he has what looks like a Jesus sandal in black plastic. To say he's not pleased is an understatement...he would have preferred a pot that his friends could have signed ...and would definitely have preferred not to have a broken foot. He's off football and all his other activities for 8 week so misses the MENCAP tournament which he's really not happy about. Poor kid, he missed the first time in Geneva because of Covid and now he's got a broken foot! Life just isn't fair.

I have spoken to the person organising the tournament and he will make sure Aidan gets his England kit ...it will be presented to him on the day, he can go and support his team and then will be surprised with it. Hopefully it will make up for missing it at least a tiny bit.

In other news DD has pretty much got over her stomach flair so she can now eat normally ...the problem is that she was very happy loosing the weight and really is NOT interested in eating enough to stabilise her weight never mind regaining any. She wants to keep loosing until she's back into normal sizes...she's okay with being the biggest size, she just wants to stop needing custom sizes. Not sure it's possible but it's what she wants. 

She is having a really bad time at the moment...she's feeling depressed and nothing seems to be going right. Instagram has changed their algorithm yet again so her posts are barely seen and she finds reels just too exhausting. It's all a total mess. On top of that she is mute at the moment ...the total icing on the cake for her! Not sure how much longer she can continue with social media, she's stopped a couple of times before and gone back again but I think this time it might be permanent...if for no other reason that it changes so much so fast.

Other than that life keeps throwing sh*t at us all. The price of gas and electricity has doubled...and is set to get even more expensive before winter! Food prices are increasing every time I go shopping...I had thought we'd manage because we had some slack in out budget..well not as much as we need. We are cutting back on everything and should survive, but lots of people will struggle. 

In amongst all this we are trying to get a quote...and start date... to get our stairs repaired/replaced. They are feeling very soft and seeing DS2 thumping up or down them is disconcerting given the amount they bend. So far we've not been able to get anyone to talk to us...it's annoying as it's going to be a horrid job...sorting the stairlift and new carpet and bookcases never mind all the painting that's needed...I just want it all done so I can stop worrying about it.

DF seems to be keeping busy and enjoying being on his own which is good. He's managed to forget DD's birthday for the 3rd year in a row which is par for the course...he's never been good at remembering details that aren't important to him. DS2 did manage to speak to him on the phone to tell him about his broken foot but DF hasn't bothered asking how it's going when he's phoned to chat....it's hard to have even a modicum of respect for someone who is so intensely self absorbed.

DP has applied for a new job within his current firm...he seems to think it's a shoo in as there is no one else who could possibly do the job as magnificently as him...I don't think he has a chance in hell of getting it. We will find out at the end of the week.

In other news Americans no longer have a right to abortion access and when the Republicans take control of the parliament and, in 2 years time, the Presidency, abortion will be banned totally. It looks like there is a long list of things they plan stopping...contraception, gay marriage, being gay at all...segregated education...nothing is off limits...basically they seem to want to return to the days of slavery and women being chattels of men.... not a good place to go back to!

Update: well to no one's surprise DP didn't get the new job... he now has some Byzantine conspiracy theory about why he didn't the job. Maybe the obvious answer...no one likes him?

In other news we finally have a date for some builders to come and sort the stairs and I have already spoken to the stairlift people and the old stairlift is being taken and replaced which is fantastic, the current one has been thoroughly trashed...we've had it over 6 years so it's not done badly. Now all I need to do is sort the carpet and bookcases...and then repaint all the woodwork and walls in the hall!! Fortunately DS1 has booked a couple of days off work to help...he is so kind.

  

Life just isn't fun

 I realised years ago that I probably had low grade depression when I'd walk through a graveyard and be jealous of the people who died young. There are lots of reasons for this, mostly a family disposition towards depression but also lots of situational reasons. 

• lack of money which reduces our opportunities to do anything fun... or really needed like live somewhere bigger and quieter with a garden...which would have helped DS2 immeasurably when he was younger and would make DD's life infinitely easier and less painful 
• lack of supportive family...my parents sucked and only saw me when I was doing something to help...not great for my self esteem that's for sure. I compounded that by ending up in relationship with a self absorbed arse who thinks the world should revolve around him and I'm not sure sees anyone except him as an actual person. I used to be incredibly hurt and upset by this but long since became apathetic and just ignore him and his passive aggressive bullshit. Not healthy but it's all I've got.
• lack of any actual life of my own. Caring for DD and DS2 ...and DS1 I guess given he's still at home...means my life is lived for others.... not dreadful but I have no time for any hobbies like going to the gym or free brain space to read new books...it does make me feel like a non person a lot of the time.

My current favourite fantasy is that all the kids have left home into suitable relationships or supported living and are all happy...I get to live on my own and can go to bed for a rest whenever I want...even in the middle of the day! Totally sad and pathetic but that's my life.

I would say that my depression is now moderate and is colouring how I see everything...though given how appalling the news is I can't see how anyone escapes depression. The news out of Ukraine about the atrocities the Russians are perpetrating are horrifying, the  comparison  I usually use is the Nazis but, unfortunately there are way too many others to choose from...too many people really seem to want to be evil given half a chance. The news out of USA about repealing abortion rights and all the other rights that will be taken away afterwards is sickening. Old, White men really do seem to want to enslave everyone else...and it's going to happen ... I don't see any way out. Other than that we have the climate crisis which is causing unprecedented high temperatures in India and Pakistan ...for months! The world will burn and mass extinctions are already underway...scary. 

All of this adds up to a world, and a life, I really can't see any point in...I get minimal joy and its all going to get worse as we have progressively less money, with prices going up all the time...and I will continue to age and be increasingly tired while still needing to all the caring and DP will continue to be a self absorbed arse and huff and puff if anyone has the temerity to try and speak to him...'conversations' are for him to monologue and everyone else to listen...preferably in adoring and worshipful silence. He is then stupid enough to bitch that no one tells him anything!! You couldn't make it up.

I am not suicidal...mostly because I don't know a fool proof way to achieve death and I have way too many responsibilities I can't evade...but I wouldn't fight death if I ended up with cancer...my personal dream.