Christmas is approaching

Well we are into December already. Its been a glorious autumn, lots of beautiful leaves and the weather has been, mostly, pleasant. DD has managed to get out a few times, easier now her chair is finally sorted, not massively expensive luckily, just time consuming. Unfortunately she is flaring at the moment and really not well at all. Lots of time in her room dozing which she hates.

Had my parents over for lunch last week...God how much I despise my 'D'M, she is just such an arse. She was being very passive aggressive about not seeing DD, who just stays in her room when they come. She, DD, can cope with doing limited activities but being with people is just too much for her.  I could probably get DF to understand but DM is such a twat she can't comprehend anything that doesn't match her script, and her script definitely calls for adoring grandchildren. Her vision of the world is a long way from reality and non of her grandchildren would willingly spend any time with her...or indeed her children. I don't see my DB rushing to see her, or indeed to chat on the phone. He chats to DF, who actually has conversation, unlike DM. Anyway I will just have to say I'm busy any time if they want to come again before Xmas, I can't cope with them anymore. Luckily I've already agreed with DS1 that he will be going over after Xmas for the obligatory visit as DD is realistically too poorly for me to leave her for that length of time. DS1 used to stay but she needs more support now.

I have to say I'm marginally disappointed not to be at least a fly on the wall to see how DM reacts when she sees DS1, who now has a beard and a full arm of tattoos. She won't like it at all. He was also very heavy, something he is working to sort, but DM will be offensive because she always is. We have already sorted to play bingo by text with DD, DS1 and I all compiling a list of comments we think she'll make. We can then tick them off as DS1 texts with her latest offering and we can see who wins. I've also got my money on her phoning to pass on her rude comments to me on the grounds I will agree with her...in her script of how life should/will be. Personally I think the beard and tattoos both really suit DS1 and even if they didn't he is over 21 so is allowed to make his own choices.  The joys of having a toxic Mum!

DS2 is going through a stressful time at the moment, he is anxious about so many things

• becoming an adult and how he is supposed to behave and what the rules are
• who he should pick as his girlfriend, he is very popular in college and would happily 'date' all the girls...and indeed many of the boys
• is he a boy or a girl. gay or straight...we think he has fluid sexuality which takes some living with without all the issues DS2 has to contend with
• work experience and coping with how he'll be expected to behave
• he is sooo stressing about learning to drive and getting a car...realistically never going to happen but he won't hear that at all
• also because he is so stressed he is getting lots of stress leaking through from his early life which is just adding to the mix of rubbish he is trying NOT to deal with but is using ALL his distraction techniques to bury it all.

All in all not a good place for him to be. I am trying to get him some help which is, hopefully, going to kick in after Xmas. He did some work with this practise in march last year and they impressed me enormously so I'm hoping it helps him to carve out some space in his brain so he can breath!

DS1 is massively busy but seems to be enjoying life which is all that matters, fingers crossed he can get a job once his degree finishes and get on with his life...after all I need one of my children to have a 'normal' life.

DP is having loads of days off at the moment as he uses up his holidays. Its a real nuisance because having him home at weekends is bad enough without him flopping round the house and filling up the kitchen during the week as well. He really is utterly self absorbed, not a nice or pleasant person and incredibly dull when he starts pontificating...I was going to say talking but he does more than that. Its never a conversation because that implies people listening as well as talking where all he does is talk...hold forth really. He has no interest in actually listening, after all he knows more than anyone else about every topic under the sun o why would he need to waste his time listening to lesser mortals speak! As you can tell he's not my favourite person.

Xmas is pretty much all sorted. I've sorted all the Xmas presents, including what DS2 is giving to people. I've also ordered all the Xmas food I need which is good and will, hopefully, make for an easy time food wise. The actual holiday will be horrid as DP will be home filling the house with negativity and he will be getting annoyed with DS2 for no longer wanting to be his toy. DP needs more amusing than DS2 who can now keep himself amused. DP is not so good at that!

Thankfully Xmas only happens once a year and in another month it will all be over and we will be getting back to normal. My wishes for Xmas are

• DD doesn't flare too badly and copes with people being home and actually gets to enjoy some of it
• DS1 gets all the work done he is needing to organise and enjoys some of it
• DS2 copes without getting too overwhelmed and stressed and manages his behaviour...he is doing really well at the moments and I am really proud of him
• DP leaves for another woman, has a tragic car accident...whatever, just so he doesn't destroy Xmas for everyone else
• DM finally dies...she has been tantalisingly close so often but just needs to actually carry it through!

That's pretty much it...okay so not hearts and flowers but that's not my life!

Autumn musings

DS1 has an dissertation which needs massive amounts of research doing. He struggles to read academic texts and has always had me read them and feed the information to him. It works for us as I am happy to read anything, the problem this time is finding any time to actually do any reading. DD is needing lots of support at the moment, DS2 is on half term so around needing to be kept occupied and DP is off for most of the week. Its a week made in heaven!

DD is really struggling, not helped by the fact her wheelchair is out of action at the moment as the control mechanism is bust. We are still waiting for a quote to fix it and the top price if it needs repairing is eye watering. Annoying as it died just days before the contract with Motability ended and we bought the chair, so the repair bill is ours. Such is life!

DS2 is loving being back in College but is struggling with the idea of getting more grown up and the prospect of future independence. Obviously he doesn't bother articulating any of his anxieties he just acts out his worries in obnoxious behaviour. His main problem is that he is very gay, gender fluid to the point he may even be transgender and just can't accept this. In order to feel safe he pretends to be a totally cis normal man. He is incredibly jealous of two people in College who are able to express their gender identity more openly but he just isn't brave enough to be who he is. This causes him real problem but there is realistically nothing we can do other than let him know we love him whoever he is. DD pushes too hard, I feel, to get DS2 to express himself with make up and clothes, all of which DS2 loves but DD is a bit too relentless which ends up making DS2 more scared.

The prospect of having DP home, undoubtedly bored, for half term week is not a happy one. He has taken to tracking me down and talking at me. I have no interest in his dull utterances and work hard at not listening but it doesn't discourage him. I'm not sure he pays that much attention to other people so he probably isn't aware I'm ignoring him, though I'm sure he aware of my lack of adoration. He does seem to expect the rest of the world to take him at his valuation...the world's cleverest person who's every utterance is gold. Not a total narc but on the spectrum and getting more self obsessed all the time. He hasn't spoken to DD at all for at least a year, DS2 did call him out on it, which made me snigger. DP denied it totally but still has made no effort to actually speak to DD...though he did suggest the reason he ignores DD is because she ignores him. What a prat!!

DS1 is being totally awesome in London, he has found himself a D&D group which he is enjoying...it may not sound like much but DS1 pushing to get contact details for people he doesn't know and then setting off to somewhere new to meet up with new people to take part in a new activity...its so far out of his comfort zone its unreal. But his comfort zone has shrunk and he is now doing all kinds of stuff he would never have considered only months ago. My baby is all grown up and I'm so proud! He is without his friend from school, who had been working in London so they got to meet up to go to the cinema together most weeks. His friend is back in Leeds for now but DS is still going to the cinema and I imagine will end up picking up other friends from rugby of D&D to go with if he's bothered.

I am still going to the gym 3 times a week and really enjoying it, an odd concept but true. I'm seeing no change at all in my weight which is resolutely refusing to get below 12stone. Every time I get close I go off track and put on weight, so the block is mental as much as anything. But its also my body, this week I should have dropped below but even though I've eaten normally and been to the gym I have put on a few pounds. Its annoying but not a major issue and certainly not enough for me to give up how I eat now. I've been doing it for nearly 18months and it feels normal now, which is great. Even if I never get below 12stone I can live with it, I feel happier about how I look in clothes and feel healthier which is all good. I'm now buying clothes in brighter colours which is about time, I've spent most of my life hiding in dark clothes.

The fact I barely see DM is a part of why all this is working for me, she is such a negative person she invariably works to make me feel bad about myself. She and DF came over for lunch a week or so ago. They gave me a cheque for a decent amount, enough to give DD and DS1 a bit of mad money and get the last section of roof sorted, which was nice. She did start her rubbish about people recovering from ME and all the other stupid stuff she spouts. I told her how stupid she was and basically every time she said something stupid or nasty I shut her down. Should have done it years and years ago, but it took the break from her, and plenty of MN reading, to see how toxic she can be and how bad for me.

Also seeing less of my 'friend' J. She has been busy with her drug addict boyfriend over the summer and as DS2 has been totally banned from being with her son...who was feeding DS2 all sorts of rubbish about sex which were making him extremely anxious...its not been as easy to keep in touch. When I do see her she tells me all her news, worries etc and that's it. I can't tell her anything as she has no boundaries and is a bit like an emotional vampire feeding on other peoples lives. That sounds as though she's a nasty person which she isn't but certainly not someone I'd confide in. Anyway I'm not sure she wants to hear about my life...talking about her life and her boyfriend is far more important. I also am getting to kind of despise her...she spends unfeasible amounts of money on her boyfriend...she is married and the boyfriend relationship is not sexual (not by choice, J would love to be rutting like a bunny!) but he is her emotional all. That would be fine if she had the money spare but she doesn't and is spending money, and indeed time and emotional energy, on him that she doesn't spend on her sons which I think is appalling. Especially as her youngest is adopted and has behaviours issues...control and manipulation mostly because she has never put the time into working on his problems. He has been in trouble with the Police for sexting a 14 year old girl, who is patently vulnerable, and she does nothing to sort the situation. She talks about he son as the victim...he is 3 years older than the girl!, and is just assuming that he won't do it again. I have done all I can by banning all contact between him and DS2. The boy has shown disturbed behaviour for a lot of years but I let them see each other under supervision, but even that's got to stop now. Mostly because I just don't trust J to actually supervise and take her sons behaviour seriously.

A roller coaster end to the summer

Well DS1 has had a dramatic end to his holidays. The house he'd organised to share with friends fell through when the landlord pulled out. There was then a lot of messing around as they tried to find somewhere else but no one seemed to want the three of them. In a last ditch attempt to sort out somewhere for the three of them, with the other two guys agreement, DS1 phoned an agency, organised a viewing, travelled 6 hours to London to view the flat and get a tenancy agreed only for one of the guys to pull out at the last possible minute! DS1 was less than chuffed as you can imagine. Luckily he still has a place to live in London as the halls he's lived in for the last 2 years still had a vacancy but its not what he wanted. He was really looking forward to sharing with friends so he doesn't spend all his evenings in his room on his own. He was also very excited about the prospect of a proper kitchen he could actually cook in, the kitchens in the halls are shared and invariably filled with dirty plates as non of the other students seem to know how to wash up.

DS1 will be going down to London next Saturday, the absolute last day he can leave it as term starts on the Monday afterwards. Not a good end to his holidays. The friend who pulled out and messed up everything for the other two is not popular and is going to struggle to move on from this, especially as he really needs to be in London to do the kind of job in films he wants to do. Can't see DS1 and his other friend agreeing to share with him in the future so not quite sure how he expects to get down to London...luckily that's not my problem!

DS2 is finally back in college and much happier. The holidays were at least 2 weeks longer than he could cope with and his behaviour showed his anxiety and frustration. Not a pleasant time. He is still being a bit of a pratt...'I am a grown up and can do what I want' coupled with extremely silly and rude behaviour. He's just a joy to be around...not.

DD is really struggling. After all the excursions she did earlier in the summer she ended up having a couple of months of extreme pain and exhaustion. Lots of bone and nerve pain and a week or more of being bed bound. She's only left the house once in the whole of September! Not good for her and not her usual pattern for the M.E. which has previously been that she has better health in summer and more energy. She is still deteriorating steadily so I guess its only to be expected.

I have started going to the gym 3 times a week. I started at the beginning of the holidays basically so  I could get DS2 out of the house for an hour or so to give DD a rest and also to push DS1 to go to the gym as his asthma was really playing up and I though exercise would help. I have to say I was not keen on the prospect of exercising but I really enjoy it now and actually look forward to going. Any time I think I might stop going I only need to think of my Mum and with her shining example in front of me I know exercise is a good thing...after who would want to end us as horrifically unfit and ill as she is by being utterly lazy and eating crap...okay she also smokes which is not something I've ever done but the total lack of any form of exercise is a big factor in her ill health.

Surviving the holidays

We are still having a good summer, though massively busy. DS1 is trying to sort everything he needs for his 3rd year...accommodation, endless trials for what works for his project and he was hoping for a first draft of his dissertation.

DS2 is having a lot of behaviour/emotional problems which is hard work for the rest of us. Its a combination of the continuing fall out from the problems with the Police and the disruption in his routine because of the holidays. Also he is feeling very secure as DS1 is home so DS2 can actually let some of his defences down and let his worries escape. Though DS1 will be going back to London soon which is worrying DS2 causing more problems...as you can see he has a lot to contend with and is acting out all his worries as he doesn't have the ability to articulate them on his own. He is making some gorgeous cards though, when he can be bullies/bribed into making them, which does make him feel good about himself.

DD is still doing masses, going out for drives round Leeds Pokémon hunting and going out to the park and stuff. Its making her very tired but she's having fun so its worth it. We are hoping to go to the coast next week which will be fun. She will come back exhausted and ill but who knows, maybe she'll cope ok and she'll enjoy it so who cares.

I went over to Malton to see my parents a couple of days ago with DP and DS2, DS1 was in London and DD doesn't see my parents ever. The visit could have been worse, my DB was there so I chatted to him which was superficial but ok. We ate out which was certainly easier than DMs food which is hard work as you have to help prepare then over praise the food and the clear up and wash up and then work to escape. This time we arrived, late according to DM, went straight to the restaurant, ate and then left for home from the restaurant. The food was good, which DMs isn't, and the conversation was copable with.

DM did phone me later to complain my top wasn't well enough ironed...she is loosing all sense of what is appropriate. She is a miserable old woman for sure and struggles to say anything nice about anything. But it may well be my last visit to see them as DD really struggled being left alone even though it really wasn't a long visit...no worries for me I am more than happy to delegate the Xmas visit to DS1 instead!

Only a couple more weeks until DS1 goes back to Uni and then DS2 will be back in college in the middle of September which will please him. I do still enjoy summer holidays but I have to say I am looking forward to life getting back to normal as is everyone else. Unfortunately DP is off the last week of August/ first week in September which will put a damper on the end of the holidays but such is life, hopefully he will go off and visit people like his step Mum who he's not visited even once since his Dad died which I think is appallingly rude, especially given how lovely she is.

A really good week

Well DP has been off in Australia for work this week and its  been  wonderful. The weather has been hot and sunny, too hot really but we've coped.

The most amazing part of the week is how  well DD has been, she has been out virtually every day, usually in the evening to a local park but I can't remember how long its been since she was out so often. Her energy levels have been amazing! She reckons its partly the heat which is helping with joint and muscle pain, but also the fact that DP is away makes the tension levels in the house sooo much less which is a massive help. Just shows how toxic his presence is!

Pokémon Go came out this week as well which is another major factor in DDs miraculous achievements. She and DS1 were big Pokémon fans in primary School and DD in particular spent many, many hours playing with friends. So having the new game is like having a gateway into their childhood and is proving to be huge amounts of fun for them both.

We had a picnic tea one evening which was fun, even though DS2 was grumpy at the thought of going out. It was the hottest evening of the week but pleasant to be out. We also went over to Eden Camp Museum on Thursday so DS1 could take some photos of some puppets my Dad had given the Museum. The puppets are a big part of why DS1 is making Punch and Judy puppets for his year 3 project in Uni so he needed to see the display. DS2 was still in College, his last day which made it easier for us. We then went to Lavender World to have lunch and enjoy the views. All in all a lovely day...the cool breeze was an additional bonus.

On Friday we all went into town as we had some jobs to do. We ended up having lunch in town as DD needed a rest, she found the movement and noise and general visual overload just too much. Luckily the restaurant was near a pokestop and DD and DS1 managed to catch some good Pokémon which pleased them both.

DS1 worked through some more of his massive list of jobs he needs to get sorted for his year 3 project over the summer. We also went to the gym a couple of times...I have come to the unhappy conclusion that I need to get a basic level of fitness if I want to avoid my mums problems in old age. I am finding the gym less horrendous than I imagined so it shouldn't be a total pain. Going on a morning will also help keep DS2 occupied over the summer. Without College he will be struggling to keep himself occupied...he has a tendency to flop and whinge whatever activities he is offered.

But this week has been as close to perfect as we could have hoped...I hope the rest of the summer matches it!

The summer is going okay ...so far!

Well the referendum happened and my reputation as a political guru is unmatched...I got it 100% wrong again. The country as a whole voted quite decidedly to leave the EU with only London and Scotland voting to stay, so we get to leave. The Labour party seems to be hell bent on destroying itself with most of the front bench MPs resigning and more than 75% voting against Corbyn in a vote of no confidence. He is still grimly hanging on...what a surprise, so we will see what excitement the next few weeks bring. Cameron resigned as of October as Prime Minister so the Conservatives are looking for a new leader...non of the front runners would appal me which makes a change!

Other than that DS1 has come home for the summer and unlike previous years he is actually framing and sorting all the stuff he needs to do. Its been easier for him to work as DP has been working away quite a bit so he's able to put his stuff on the table in the kitchen to work on it and just leave it there rather than having to spend all his time tidying everything away so DP doesn't mess with his stuff or offer 'helpful' advise about what he 'needs to do'.

We have managed to get through an impressive list of jobs this year from sorting DDs stairlift and getting her triple glazing fitted to replacing the boys bathroom and sorting the last bits of the roof at the back. Some of the jobs have been on our 'one day' list for ages and its really good to see them being sorted. We now have a new list of stuff that needs doing, naturally-

• get the front of the roof sorted and pvc put over the front of the loft extension
• replace the computer
• buy DDs wheelchair when her contract runs out
• sort a new car via Motability for me
• sort the deposit and first months rent for DS1 in London...he's moving into a shared house with friends - assuming they ever get their act together to sort it
• replace the cupboard doors in the kitchen
• replace the windows in the attic...DS2 has broken the locks with a pair of scissors so badly the whole windows will need replacing.

I'm sure other things will be added to the list, like paying for DS1 to pass his driving test, but having worked through the last list the new list is less daunting than it might be.

DS2 is mostly sorted having been moved over to Adult Social Services and the money is starting to come through. The whole thing is a total scam as DS2's money comes from Housing Benefit, he is classed as a lodger though he a patently not. He is also paid Income Support as a disabled person, which he isn't really, and this money is then paid to me to support him. Fostering was simpler and more honest but at least all the paperwork is done and DS2 is now, with his new name, settled here for as long as he needs.

However the best bit of the summer is DP being away so much! Its made everything so much easier. He is off to Australia for just over a week soon and we are all looking forward to that enormously. Unfortunately once that's over he's home pretty much the rest of the year but at least he doesn't have any holiday booked, well not more than an odd day or two so I'm sure we'll cope. He is just so dull and boring to have around as he has absolutely nothing to do and no interests so just flops and heaves and sighs. Its pathetic it really is.

Unfortunately DD is still deteriorating quite sharply and is almost totally house bound now. We may have some days out over the summer but are unlikely to manage many. Its a real shame as DD still wants to do so much but her illness places severe limitations on what is possible. Still we manage what we can and enjoy what we do.

My DM is steadily getting increasingly ill, still smoking, but still shows no signs of dying yet. But hope springs eternal. DM is delusional, she was informing me of a family party in September and letting me know I would come but DD wouldn't....having a severely ill granddaughter is an embarrassment for DM I guess. The best though was when I mentioned DS1 wouldn't be able to come as he would be back in London by then...my DMs response...'we'll see!' as though she can dictate what DS1 does...the woman is batshit.

But anyway the rest of us are looking forward to a fun summer, hopefully saving lots of cash to work through list 2 of 'one day' jobs! As well as doing fun stuff and eating well!!

I'd like to live in a Nevil Shute novel

I am increasingly finding my life not so much hard but very unsatisfying. I have a DP who is absolutely no support at all, he never acknowledges the stuff I do or is even particularly polite to me. To be totally fair I pretty much ignore him but that's my way of keeping my sanity and protecting me again all his petty nastiness.

My parents are of no use even just to chat to. Neither of them hears me if I say anything about myself. They only listen to stuff about themselves of whatever boring topic of conversation they have decided is happening. Its a real shame as I could really do with some safe space to vent occasionally.

My DB2 is a totally out of the picture. I decided this year that I wouldn't initiate any contact with him, I would only respond to his communication and at the level he dictated. Well I have had 1 text saying a birthday card for DS2 would be late and 1 email responding to mine when I let him know the card had arrived. So he is obviously really keen to stay in touch. To be honest he's not much of a loss to me I've never had a great relationship with him, he is 8 years younger and was away at school and I left home when he was still quite young. That makes it sound as though I never made any effort to be a good sister...I did loads for years to keep in touch and have a relationship with him. I kept working at the relationship for years after it was apparent he wasn't that bothered...after all I am the 'big sister' and he is my 'baby brother'. I gave up when he told me he didn't want to hear about DD because it was depressing. Still makes me cross and it must be at leas t2 years since he said it...I told him at the time how hurt I was but it made no difference.

That's just the family stuff. In the wider world there is a referendum about whether or not we stay in Europe, the result may be tight but its pretty much guaranteed that 'stay' will 'win', however much the results need to be amended! The Government and those who want to be in Government all seem to want us to stay and so spout endless horror stories about the Armageddon that will be unleashed if we have the temerity to vote to leave the EU.  Its all very depressing as Europe is dying under a never ending flood of economic migrants who have no desire to work or conform to Western ideas of how to interact with women or children, a sickening number of sexual attacks and such like. As well as lots of crime. Its all so horrible and with all the stuff that's going on in my life I'd just like one area of my life, or indeed life in general, to be decent and honest.

So I want to live in a Nevil Shute novel where people are decent and do their jobs and basically act like grown ups. Where no one scams the benefits system and Social Services don't want to produce uncounted reams of paperwork but not be bothered to sort the basics like paying me! A world where people have a moral code and live by it. I just want a world where people take responsibility for them selves and 'celebrities' aren't looked on as icons and people value something other than money and material goods. Okay it was a fantasy in the 1950's but its a good fantasy and I am sick of the world being so 'me, me, me'.

In a recent atrocity a Muslim gunman killed 49 people and injured 43 others at a Drag Bar. He was apparently a closet gay and presumably decided to sort out his conflicted feeling by killing as many people as possible, in the name of Islam or course! It just sickens me that this kind of evil can exist in a world where there is music so beautiful it makes tears come to my eyes. There is so much to love so why do people need to hate so deeply they have to kill. It sickens me it really does. As does the self serving rubbish any number of commentators spout as they try to 'claim' the shooting for their particular hobby horse.

My other favourite fantasy as I'm going to sleep is Yellowstone Park erupting in a massive explosion that causes massive problems worldwide. This then leads to an enormous pandemic which wipes out large swathes of the population of the world...ok I'm officially a sick and twisted individual but the world is killing itself. How can we have one of the world's fastest growing economies (India) killing women because their dowries aren't large enough to compensate for them being dark!!! Or rape being so incredibly widely acceptable across the country. A world where some mass murdering nut job thinks it okay to go into a gay bar and shoot people! The gun man appears to have potential links to Islam, that's even more sick Islam was never meant to be a religion of hate.