The Police take incompetence to whole new levels

Well we are still waiting for the Police to make a decision as to whether DS2 can go back to College while we wait for them to get round to interviewing the people involved. Its now nearly 7 weeks since the original complaint! Hardly demonstrating any sense of urgency. In spite of my frequent intersessions on DS2's behalf, explaining how damaged he is and how traumatising all of this is and Social Services also getting involved as well as a Solicitor I contacted (who worked for free as he was so appalled), we are still waiting for the Police to decide what is happening.

I have finally got a tentative possible date for DS2 to be interviewed which is another 2 weeks away...by which stage he will remember nothing and neither will anyone else. I cannot begin to express my levels of anger and disgust that the situation could be so badly mishandled. The mistakes made by the Police are endless.

• they failed to contact either myself as DS2's foster carer or his Social Worker when they initially said he had to be off College, even though he is a minor and is classed as vulnerable as he is in Care and has learning difficulties.
• when I contacted them I was given no information, i.e. when he would be interviewed, when he would be back in College....basically anything at all.
• The Police failed to contact Swarthmore to discuss how DS2 could remain in College even when I and his Social Worker stressed how damaging all the disruption was, even though a Risk Assessment meeting was supposed to be organised by the Police at the end of January. 
• The Police failed to involve Safeguarding who should have been involved as DS2 is still in full time education. To be honest Social Services also failed on that one. I was the one who contacted Safeguarding.
• The Police are bending over backwards to ensure the alleged victim/s are not potentially traumatised...their words but without the alleged!... while totally ignoring the actual trauma being done to DS2!
• When I finally managed to speak to somewhat who claimed to be able to make a decision I was so badly patronised it was unreal. The woman had obviously worked in a call centre previous to joining the Police because every time  I asked a question or interrupted her...to say stuff like 'yes I understand'...she just went back to the beginning of her speech and carried on. She was clearly not firing on all cylinders as she phoned me on my home phone and then checked if I was out shopping! Not overly bright.
• Swarthmore are as annoyed by all this as I am and seem to have experienced similar levels of rudeness from the Police, weirdly Social Services were impressed by the professionalism of the Police...maybe they are treating us differently!

Anyway it does seem...finally ...as though everyone is moving in a similar direction and, fingers crossed, DS2 may be allowed back into College sometime next week...not before time. He still may need to be interviewed by the Police but we will cross that bridge when we get to it. Swarthmore very clearly feel any complaints against DS2 are malicious or fantasy and given that they know at least one of the people involved I bow to their superior knowledge. It will be interesting to see how the Police react if it becomes plain to them that the complaints have no validity...I won't expect an apology but I will enjoy seeing how they weasel word their way out of the situation!

I will certainly be writing a formal complaint once its all over and letting them know just how badly their system fails vulnerable people. Honestly nothing they have done suggests they view DS2 as a real  person, the 'victims' are real but he is just supposed to stay invisible and in suspended animation until they decide to move. Very poor!

We will see what next week brings...certainly the last few weeks have been horrible. DS2 worked really hard at coping with all the disruption but then, more than a week ago, 25/2/16 to be precise, he hit a wall and just couldn't cope any more. The poor kid isn't sleeping, he's reverted to behaviour we've not seen for years its been dreadful. All this stress has also impacted badly on DD who has been in huge amounts of pain and flaring madly. My kettle has had to work so hard at providing me with sustaining cups of tea it died. A really bad period...and all caused because the Police are incapable of acting or seeing people as real!

DP has been told about the situation, mostly by DS2 who initially didn't want him telling but then couldn't avoid talking about it, hardly surprising as it filled his world. Anyway DP was away for a night with work knowing that I was fighting very hard to get a response from the Police, so when he came back he obviously asked how it was all going and what progress had been made....no of course he didn't. He talked for about how wonderful he was and bored on about who said what to whom and said not a single word about DS2! He is such a massive support to me, not.

Update: the Police have finally phoned to say that DS2 can go back to College on Wednesday 9th March...over 7 weeks since the original incident. Still no date for the interview and no, even tentative, timetable for how long it will take for the Police to then assess the information from the interviews and decide what, if anything, they are going to do. Oh the Police just continue to impress me so much words fail me.

Update 2: well the Police finally got round to interviewing DS2 on 26th March. We had a solicitor there as I had no faith at all in the Police actually having any interest in being fair or listening to DS2 tell the truth. I very much felt they had decided already what they felt had happened and had already condemned DS2. I didn't go into the interview...there is no way I could have kept my mouth shut when the Police started talking rubbish...as indeed they did according to DD who did go in. The solicitor was more than happy for DS2 to speak for himself and say anything as he could tell from DS2's account of the incident that he had done nothing wrong at all. The Police spent nearly 2 hours interviewing DS2 trying to make him admit to their version of events. According to the complaints against DS2 he had grabbed 2 girls by their vaginas...not his style at all. The girl he'd kissed claimed DS2 had dragged her down the stairs and tripped her and banged her head before kissing her against her will. Not a believable tale given that no one was supposed to have noticed this! Anyway even the Police couldn't make anything of the incident much as they patently wanted to. They still took a week to email me to say they wouldn't be taking the matter any further but still wanted DS2 to have the additional supervision at College, but gave no reasons why they wanted this. Also neglected to mention any of this to College. Honestly it would be hard to find an organisation more ignorant or arrogant than the Police. Really glad its all finally over...11 weeks from beginning to end. What a total nightmare!!

My year so far

Well  2016 has already proved to be less than good. DD was flaring from Xmas and all the stress that was associated with that...DP being home for 12 days being a major source of stress for all of us! DS2 being off College for 3 weeks was also exhausting as he gets silly and bored at home. He was also obsessive about getting a screen for his PS2, that 'Santa' got as an extra Xmas pressie, which was beyond hard work! Anyway as a finale to her flare DD had Norovirus so we had a week of vomiting and shitting bile...not fun. She was very poorly indeed and the second night I didn't bother getting undressed as I was under no illusions I'd get any sleep...I didn't...and I also didn't fancy rushing to get dressed if I had to phone for an ambulance! Anyway DD survived and is slowly, very slowly, picking up. Though 2 weeks on she still gets tired very easily and is still suffering with mild depression after being so ill. What a great start to the year!

DP was a total arse when DD was ill...he asked after her ONCE...the night after she was vomiting constantly. Other than that he didn't mention her at all. He and DS2 went round to a friends and DS2 mentioned how ill DD was but DP said nothing...he is such a crap parent and indeed a crap person. How he squares his behaviour up with his highly inflated opinion of his amazingness I do not know but I am sure he does as he still worships himself.

Social Services have FINALLY sorted DS2 being moved over to adult services, about time he will be 18 in 4 months....they have been 'sorting' this for well over a year! Too many departments and committees all wanting to be involved. Anyway I now have a pile of paperwork I have to wade through, including such delights as a 'community connections map'...I despise such crap wording. Its there to make people feel important and clever and its so pathetic. Paperwork for the sake of paperwork always makes my blood boil and this all seems such a waste of time...I have been caring for DS2 for 11 years and now have to wade through a morass of waffy paperwork to get approved to continue doing what I have been doing for years...I think that pretty much defines 'pointless paperwork'. I have sorted most of it and will get the rest done but I resent having to jump through hoops to do a job that no one else wants to do and which no one wants me to stop doing.

DS2 has also had an overly exciting start to the year. He was getting a load of texts and voice mail messages from a couple of the other students at College. We deleted them and blocked the numbers. One in particular was very inappropriate, lots of 'I love you' messages and sexual stuff. As it was over the holidays I didn't email College about it but did tell DS2 to stay away from the people involved. Well obviously he didn't and when one of them offered him the chance to go off and have a snog and grope he was only too happy to go...even though he ostensibly has a girlfriend...he is such a 17 year old boy, all hormones and no brain! Anyway the other student decided after the snog that she was upset and went to complain to a member of staff...they told me but weren't too bothered as it had been mutual. Her parents though decided to go nuclear and phoned the Police...apparently they have done this previously, they must be nutty! As a result DS2 was off College for over a week while it was all  sorted out, not because he was in trouble but to stop him being wrongly accused of anything in future. Unfortunately DS2 didn't see it this way he saw - off College= big punishment= I have done something really bad. He was incredibly stressed and worried he was in trouble with the Police, College would be cross with him, no one would like him when he went back and so on. He was having problems sleeping...he came to see me at 2.30am...he had back ache and stomach ache that were totally caused by the stress. Fortunately he went back to College in time to share a box of sweets to celebrate his 11th anniversary which pleased him and once he saw he wasn't in trouble and everyone still liked him he was fine, but it was very hard while he was off.

Other than that its not been a dreadful January...no snow or ice which is good. No massive stress over money which is unusual in the extreme, but pleasant! We are sorting to get a stair lift for DD as she is finding stairs increasing hard. I mentioned this to my parents...not a good idea. DF was all 'I will give you the money now, I will do ANYTHING to make life easier for DGD'...he has said similar before and then back tracked so I don't trust it, but he feels good saying it. DM  has been stressed in case I do take up the offer as she feels any money should be spent on her and why is anyone paying attention to someone else's illness when they should be focussing on her. I ignore as much as possible and will, eventually, learn to tell them nothing!

I am hoping the year improves but I've no great hopes. I'd love to be proved wrong!

Update: well the year is not improving. The Police decided after DS2 had been back in College and calming down again that he shouldn't be in College until they could get their act together and have a 'meeting'. Given no one has spoken to either me or DS2's Social Worker about the ...decidedly minor...incident I am not sure what the Police are doing and who they think they are protecting. God they make Social Service look efficient! To make it worse the person (not) dealing with the situation issued her orders about DS2 not being in College then went off work for 4 days! I am soo unbelievably angry about the situation, the damage its doing to DS2 is unbelievable and so unnecessary. He and the other person involved in the incident were happily playing dominos on Thursday so she is hardly traumatised by it all....but DS2 is now massively traumatised! What a sh*t situation.

Update 2: well I finally managed to speak to the person who is 'dealing' with the incident and she was not prepared to give me any information...like 'how long will it take to resolve the situation?'...it looks as though we could be talking about months rather than weeks. I cannot begin to express how horrible the situation is. DS2 is beyond anxious and is stressing madly. This is pushing DD to her limits and she is in extreme amounts of pain and totally exhausted, this is so damaging to her and is likely to have a  permanent effect on her health. DP is being utterly disengaged from it all...quelle surprise! I had to tell him about it all as DS2 was not able to stop talking about it and even DP might notice that something was wrong when DS2 was off College for an extended period of time. I will be contacting the Police again on Monday...its Saturday now...hopefully they can speed up their game and get it sorted sooner rather than later...I am not sure how much longer DD or DS2 can cope with the stress!

Into the New Year

This is the last day before life gets back to what counts as normal in this house. DP is back to work tomorrow and we are all very pleased about that...he has been sooo bored all holiday and has done absolutely nothing. He couldn't even escape to the gym because it was closed various times because of the holidays. He watched lots of TV and spent weird amounts of time on Facebook but that's pretty much all he's done all holiday.
The Sunday after Xmas DS2, DP and I went over to my parents as DB and his wife were there for the day. DD was too poorly to leave the house and even if, by some miracle, she had felt up to doing something visiting her GPs wouldn't have been even close to top of her list. DS1 stayed to look after DD as he has the same views about GPs that DD has...I would happily have stayed but that wasn't on the cards at all. The day was ok I guess...nothing too offensive was said, though my DF said...more than once...how nice it was to have 'the whole family' round the table. Given DD and DS1 weren't there and DB1 died over 25 years ago it was tactless even by DF's normal standards. I spent much of the day washing up...well it got me out of the way and was infinitely preferable to spending time with DM who was being even more offensive and disagreeable than normal. DS2 noticed how loud and rude she was...normally he doesn't register her behaviour. She is not a nice person...and is almost certainly smoking again...what a twat.
Other than that its been a case of enduring the holiday period until DP pisses off back to work. Probably the most boring, endless Xmas ever.
DD is extremely tired after the holiday period...DS2 has been more than normally hard work, partly having DP home and partly he struggles with any change in routine. He has also been waiting...very impatiently for a screen he ordered on 26th December to arrive so he can have a PS2 in his room...something he is mega excited about.
DD got a new ipad and iphone over Xmas...we have been saving for the ipad as her old one has been showing its age. The new one is noticeably lighter as well which should help her. The new phone was possible because she could upgrade her old phone on her sim contract...she is pleased with them both even if setting them both up was hard work. DS1 was happy as he got a pile of tech to take to CEX and got enough cash to pay for his next batch of tattooing.
I had planned to take him up to Middlesbrough to his tattooist but DD was just too poorly to cope on her own so DP took him...DS was not impressed especially as it gave DP permission to take too much interest in his tattoos...DP was taking photos on his phone so he could show 'people'. Creepy or what...especially as he has no connection to any of his children, he just wants to be able to talk about them as though he knows them.
As you can probably tell I am not over fond of DP and would be happy if he dropped down dead...or found the love of life and left us, I'm not fussed just as long as he left!
I have been finding the level of eating I was easily maintaining before Xmas impossible to do so have been putting on a 1lb a day according to my scales. Obviously I've not put on anything like that as I'm still not eating masses but the way my body works I am quite prepared to believe I can put on serious weight at a level that would count as an extreme diet for a normal person... I will get the eating back under control once life gets back to normal as I do like loosing weight and my smaller body. I haven't any other 'resolutions' for 2016...what I want isn't going to happen...DD plateauing if not getting better, DS2 calming down and gaining some independence, DP pissing and leaving me in peace, DM dying...as I say non of them are going to happen so I will just keep on keeping on.

Nearly Christmas

Well its nearly Christmas and I've got it pretty much sorted. All the presents are bought and wrapped. All the food is either already sorted and frozen or ordered so that's good. We are not bothering with much in the way of decorations his year as DD is just too ill and finds any changes in room décor too hard to process.
My DM is in hospital again, breathing problems again. Obviously nothing to do with her smoking, last time she decided all the problems were because of some tablets she was taking to help with the ulcers on her legs...not sure how that could affect blood oxygen levels but she would know! This time she decided her problems are because a friend gave her a cold. DF says the friend didn't have a cold but DM is not hearing that. I've been over to see her a couple of times and she is even nastier and ruder than normal, all her brakes are coming off and she is loosing any inhibitions about being nasty in public. Not a nice person to visit. Still I do get chance to speak to DF which is nice as I rarely get to speak to him when DM is around as all conversation has to be centred on her and her alone. My ideal Christmas present would be for her to die...that doesn't make me nice but she is an unpleasant person who brings no joy to anyone, including herself. Also she will continue smoking so this drama will be played out on a regular basis until she does finally snuff it, why not just cut out all the messing around and just go for broke!
Non of us are particularly looking forward to Christmas even though we have planned loads of fun food, DP will be off for 12 days and that does cast a blight over the whole period. He can suck the enjoyment out of any situation. He has only just had 12 days off and that was while DS2 was still in college and DD1 in Uni, neither of them are overjoyed at having to cope with him at home the entire period over the holidays. DP claims he is looking forward to 'relaxing' as he is tired and needs a break after working hard all year...he's only just had a long break when he did sweet FA so God only knows why he feels he is so much need of a break. He was using this as an excuse for being ridiculously grumpy to DS2...he is such an entitled twat! Even he had the grace to acknowledge that I wouldn't be getting any time off over this or indeed any other holiday....won't stop him doing nothing for the entire period and spending his days flopping and being bored. He has done absolutely nothing to prepare for Christmas, no shopping, no planning, no cooking. Everyone else has done their share...DD has helped sort the menus and cooked some of the food for Christmas, DS1 has helped shop and has worked his way through a long list of jobs I had waiting for him, even DS2 has helped. But DP has done absolutely nothing, a big fat zero and HE is the one saying how tired he is...hard not to despise someone so self absorbed! He has no idea what any of his children are getting for Christmas and will only find out what DS2 is getting as the older 2 open all their presents in their rooms to escape him commenting on what they get. A pathetic excuse for a parent!
Anyway as you can tell we are looking forward to the festive period no end...only a couple of weeks and its all over for another year! In my dreams next Christmas wouldn't include either DP or DM...who knows maybe my dreams will come true one year!

DD's life is falling apart

DD has been declining rapidly all year and is now seriously unwell and struggling to find the energy to do anything. She became ill about 5 years ago and I remember how scary it was then seeing how reduced her energy was and how little she could do. God its almost laughable now to think we would both kill for her to be only that ill. She tended to come out with me every time I went shopping just to get out of the house... I did find it a bit claustrophobic as she was always there but now I would love for her to have the energy to come out. Last time we went to a shop...only M&S so nothing exciting, she found it all so overwhelming in terms of noise, visual stimuli and too many choices. She has effectively given up going into town as its just too noisy for her and she struggles to cope with so many people being around. This is the girl who would go into town every weekend with friends just to be in town!

She has so many new symptoms...pretty much constant nausea, anal leakage on occasion...that one she loved obviously. Her weird spasms are getting more constant...she gropes my boobs all the time and any other part of my body she can get to. She suckles, my finger mostly. She swears and comes out with appalling phrases...good job I totally know its not her or I could get upset. All of this is embarrassing her sooo much and really upsets her. It kind of feels like the after affects of a stroke, Tourette's and Alzheimer's....not a great combination for a hyper bright 22 year old!

She is spending increasing periods in bed semi dozing which doesn't feel like a good development. One of the worst aspects of her having ME is the lack of any information about how her illness is likely to progress but I don't see anything good on the horizon. She is declining so rapidly this year and I can see that continuing into next year. She can only decline so far before she has no further to go and dies. Maybe not in the next couple of years but it is coming and coming rapidly.

I spend most of my time trying to support her, emotionally mostly though she does need lots of physical support. The problem for her comes when she is too tired to have anyone in the room with her so has to cope alone. Not good. My emotional needs are met by DD and DS1 when he can. My DP is a total arse and had already stopped talking to DD before she became ill and hasn't stepped up to the mark now she so very poorly. He won't even talk about her illness with me...when I have tried to talk about anything to do with her he walks away, talks over me or deliberately changes the topic. He is utterly useless and I despise him. If I could afford to throw him out believe me I would and DD and DS1 would cheer as they both have no respect or affection for him at all.

My parents are useless, my DM refuses to accept DD is actually ill and will tell me every article that she finds with some ill researched and badly written report on ME. Trying to prove what, I don't know...that DD would be well if she wanted to be maybe. She has said that if DD was 'more positive' and 'relied less on her wheelchair' she would get better. When I have tried to explain ME is a chronic illness...like diabetes...my DM's reply was 'but diabetes has a physical cause'...that was when I totally gave up on her and have very limited contact now. Neither of them has seen DD since, and won't unless DD decides she wants to. Apart from anything else DM would be offensive about the fact DD has put on weight this year...I think at least a portion of it is bloating from residual kidney problems but all my DM would see is FAT and she would be nasty. So she can keep away from DD who has enough shit to cope with without DM. DF is fine but loud, which DD struggles with and as he is a total enabler for DM he has to be kept away too. If they don't like it tough...they offer no support so can stuff off. They aren't coming for Xmas which won't please them but that's not my problem...as you sow so shall you reap!

My DB is similarly useless for support...last time I saw him I was talking about DD and he said that he didn't want to hear about her because it was 'too depressing'. Well that's his choice but I don't need that kind of stupidity in my life and I can't see him loosing any sleep because I'm not in touch anymore.

I am struggling tonight as DD is in pain and so confused and unhappy. There is nothing I can do to make it better which as a mum is all I want to do. I am also really worried about DD's future, its going downhill so very rapidly and that's worrying. No one ever said life would be fair but this seems to be so far past just 'unfair' for DD and I would give anything for her to have more of a life. Its a good job DD is so amazingly brave and copes so awesomely with the crap that is ME.

Counting down the days

This close to Xmas 'counting down the days' should mean the countdown to Xmas but not in my house! DP has booked 8 days off work...not for any specific reason, he just had loads of holiday left and this was a convenient time for his ego (because he feels work will be able to cope without him) to take the holiday. Unfortunately it means he is at home for 12 days...there is no way I can describe the utter tedium of having him home for such a long period of time. He has nothing to do...other than his usual faffing around and he is bored and floppy. I asked him to take my car to the garage to get it looked and he wouldn't because 'he didn't know what to say'....god he is pathetic and such a baby! That's the sort of excuse I'd expect from a teenager not an adult!

He is filling his days with 'running'...not sure how much running he actually does as the place he reckons he runs is 15 minutes drive from our house and as he's only out of the house for just over half an hour it doesn't leave a lot of time if he is planning on training for a marathon....oh yes he is that delusional. He is also spending lots of time 'practising' his French...he thinks he is really good a French, and I will agree he is better than I am, he has listened some 'learn French' cds and is 'practising' by watching DS9 in French....with English subtitles. Not sure it achieves much other than annoying me as he has the volume on so loud. He is also messing about with a chess book he's had for well more than 10 years and is still 'working his way through it'.

Other than that he is 'talking' to me...this involves him holding forth on whatever topic he has decided he is an expert on and talking. I am not expected to respond in any way...indeed if I do he gets huffy..he is deigning to give me the benefits of his amazing wisdom so I don't need to speak! I have years of experience in ignoring  his monologues so just play deaf and find a job that means I need to leave the room. God he is dull!

So anyway we have 10 more days of this to go before he is back at work. Not looking forward to any of it. He will then be off for Xmas and will bore us all over again. At least this year my parents aren't coming over, not sure they know this yet but I am not inviting them and have made it clear we are doing nothing. Well if they ask they will be told. DD is way too poorly to cope with any extra messing about and noise!

On a happier note DS1 came home for a couple of days...by coach which he did find exhausting. He came because he wanted a tattoo from the lady who is doing his other tattoos...she is in Middlesbrough and the easiest way to get to her was to come home so I could drive him, and he could get his washing done, sort new rugby boots and a haircut and then go back to London. It was over his birthday but that was not by choice it just happened that way. It was lovely seeing him he was happy to get chance to see is sister and get all his jobs sorted...and paid for by me! His Dad spoke to him once...very briefly...while he was here. Didn't wish him 'Happy Birthday'...it was his 21st...or anything. In fact his dad has no idea what he got for his 21st...or really any interest! Not a great parent that's for sure.

Anyway I will go and continue my countdown to sanity!

Update: well we are down to only 2 days now. God its been hard....not helped by the fact he got a 'cold' and has been 'coughing' endlessly. Given DD used to get viral coughs that were so bad she'd get sent home from High School on a regular basis every winter and DS1 has asthma so can struggle with breathing so I am used to people coughing but DP really did manage to exceed everything I have ever experienced. He was relentless...too 'poorly' to do much, like go running, out to the gym or even go to his class. Not good as it meant he was home ALL THE F***ING TIME!! I had hoped he's go down and see his step mum at least one day when he was off...she is lovely and he hasn't been down to see her even once since his dad died which is beyond rude and ignorant in my book.

Anyway we are all still alive...if only just in DD's case. She has been very unwell but will, hopefully, feel better on Monday. Even if she is still poorly at least she can be poorly without her dad 'coughing' and being 'ill' around the place all day!!!

Update 2: he is finally back at work and we have had 3 prat free days. DD is really unwell at the moment so we have not been able to do any of the things we promised ourselves we would once we had some time for ourselves. Hopefully next week will be easier.

I am finding life hard

As the title says I am finding life more than normally hard at the moment. There are lots of reasons for this...most of them fairly minor, the main reason is DD and how ill she is and how needy she is getting.

The minor moans...just for completeness and in no particular order are:-

• the Rumanians or whatever they are who are swarming all over the area. God they are loud, sweary and there are soo many of them. Dozens of children in most houses...that is not an exaggeration unfortunately and the children have no supervision or boundaries. They are out on the streets at all hours, and in all weathers, shouting and screaming, spitting, weeing on the street and generally being aggressive and unpleasant. Non of the other local children play out at all any more and who can blame them!
• DS2 is so incredibly happy and excited about his college course and is loving every minute. For the first time in his life he has friends who are on his level and that he understands and who understand him. All that is beyond good but it is making him hyper and totally OBSCESSED with having a girlfriend and getting married! Its all a bit wearing and he can be hard work to bring back down to earth and get him back in touch with reality. But I am so very pleased he is having such an amazing time at college.
• DP is being his usual knobby self but has added weird 'jazz style' clapping and noises to his repertoire, really not appealing or pleasant. He is still not talking to DD at all which is pathetic. Other than that he is mostly keeping out of my way, though his habit of telling me what he is watching on TV or YouTube is irritating, fortunately I have years of practise in ignoring him and his seriously attention seeking behaviour.

But as I say these...and other annoyances are minor in comparison to how ill DD is getting and how much support she is needing. I do find her habit of whinging very difficult to deal with. She's not doing it on purpose as such but she does need lots of attention and in many ways she is behaving like a baby and they cry to signal they need something. It means I get very little time for myself...hence not getting chance to write anything for a while. I, mostly, keep my temper, she is suffering and its hard for her. Though there are moments when I think how nice it would be...for an hour or so, to be able to sit in a chair and have people dance attention on me and get me whatever I asked for. OK I'd get bored very fast and DD doesn't have the luxury of deciding she's had enough added to which she is frequently in lots of pain and generally feels crap.

• just thought of another minor annoyance, J has spent through a large cash gift from her mum...think 1,000's...in a very short space of time and is desperately short of cash again. Its all gone to fund her drug addict boyfriend which is the bit that annoys me. Anyway she sold her saxophone to DP for not a cheap price...it was the high end of what was available on ebay. I don't resent paying for the instrument but I do resent the fact that the money went on drugs. I am a total puritan but I find it all seriously disturbing. DP has her flute and I have checked the price so if that get's bought I know what a sensible price is and won't let DP overpay again.

Anyway that's some of the reasons life is less than easy at present....another reason is my weight loss is flat lining...the only way to get it back on track is cut out even more food but I already eat very little so that will be hard and its getting dark and all my body wants to do is eat calorie rich food to help me hibernate!