I have to admit I have always enjoyed the summer holidays, its good not to have to race out of bed every day to sort packed lunches and sort children off to school and the spend the day keeping an eye on the clock. Summer holidays give time and space to actually enjoy time with my children...or at least that's what it used to be like.
Once DS2 arrived summer holidays became harder as he struggles to cope with any breaks in his routine and while he used to find school readily hard he can be hard to keep occupied at home. Still we used to get out for days to do stuff and holidays were still lots of fun. This year is not proving to be quite as much fun as I'd hoped. For a start its been going on for ages...DS2 finished school in early June and DS1 came home from Uni before the end of June. DS2 is madly keen to start College, once he'd had his taster days he fell totally in love with the place...'how had we KNOWN he would like the College so much'...so he is getting to be a bit bored at still being off. DS1 is kind of coping with being home from Uni but has really grown away from life here and will be happier once he gets back to his real life, luckily he still has friends here but its not the same and he finds coping with DD, DS2 and DP really hard.
The main problem this summer though has been DD's health. She has deteriorated at a steady pace ever since she became ill but this summer her decline has been precipitous and its getting scary for her...and the rest of us. She is having to give up football...a real shame as she felt doing powerchair football made her illness worth it, she is struggling to maintain her blog even once a week, she was doing it every day not that long since and she is almost totally housebound. Having DS2 at home all the time is hard for her as he is so loud and does suck energy out of everyone. DS1 also makes life hard for DD as he won't DO all the stuff he thinks he should...after all he has the energy and is going to actually get to leave. (As a big sister she has always had a tendency to micromanage her brothers life).
Not sure what the future holds for DD but its not going to be pleasant or pretty. We are hoping to manage a couple of outings before the end of the holidays but they will be DD's last trips out unless a miracle happens. It also looks as though I will not be able to leave her, even with her brother to look after her as she needs more support than she can take from him. I went to see my parents on Sunday with DP and DS2...totally a duty visit...and DD struggled. Then yesterday I had to leave her for most of the day as DS1 needed taking to Middlesbrough to get his first tattoo....DD coped but only just and I can't justify leaving her.
I still like summer holidays but I don't think I'll be looking forward to them quite as much in the future.
Wednesday, 26 August 2015
Monday, 10 August 2015
Happy Days
I am having a really good time at the moment....not that everything is great, DD is not good and is in huge amounts of pain. She had her PIP assessment on Thursday which lasted an hour and a half and she was sobbing with pain and exhaustion by the end then on Friday she had an appointment at the new pain unit which was tiring as she had 4 questionnaires to fill in and the place was loud and busy.
Still even with DD being ill we are still having good days. On Wednesday we all went out to Harlow Carr and the flowers were the best I have ever seen. There was a patch of wild flowers that were especially lovely...lots of poppies and corn flowers, very special.
On Saturday my new cooker was delivered and installed. Knowing that it would be a job and a half...mostly because of the vast amounts of expanding foam DP has used around the old cooker, don't ask...I arranged to be in town getting DS1 and 2 haircuts leaving DP to cope. Even before we left I could hear the men removing the old cooker complaining the cooker was hot...DP had used it minutes before it needed to be taken out because 'no one had told him'. Installing the cooker was obviously less than fun job...had DP 'known the foam would cause problems he would have dug the old plug out'...what bit he didn't 'know' only he could explain. He was more than aware the new cooker was being installed because I explained it all to him, but he only 'knows' he is perfect so any problems are someone else's fault obviously. Anyway non of that mattered as I wasn't there and the new cooker is gorgeous...all white and shiny and sooo clean.
On Saturday night I had another amazing experience. I phoned my parents, not because I really wanted to but felt I ought to...the problems of being a dutiful daughter, well a bit dutiful. The last phone call from my mum had been very brief and she'd not phoned since so I'd had a good week of peace and quiet and thought I'd had too much fun so ought to phone. Anyway I got my dad and we chatted for a few minutes about England winning the Ashes and the stuff he's doing in the garden. Nothing major just general chit chat...I asked after mum's health and did the polite stuff. He was then going to pass the phone over to mum so she could speak...this is when my day looked up...she wasn't wanting to speak to me. Presumably I done/not done something which has offended her and so she is punishing me by not speaking to me. I really wish I knew what I'd done so I could so it lots more!
As far as I'm concerned she can refuse to speak to me until she dies, if I never speak to her again I won't loose anything good from my life. Instead I'll loose all her self absorption and her endless negativity and all her snidy comments about what I should be doing. Long may the punishment last!
Anyway as I said happy days!
Update: unfortunately I gloated too soon and my mum phoned me a couple of days later to dribble on about who knows (or cares) what. She did ask about DD's scan...she doesn't have any scans booked but mum stalks DD's blog, twitter etc and about a month ago DD mentioned she was finally being referred to a neurologist. Mum has been told how much DD hates her reading her stuff but mum is too self absorbed and ignorant to think anyone could possible object to HER doing exactly what she wants. She really is a less than pleasant person...her loss as it means she doesn't get to see DD or DS1, though not sure how much of a loss she thinks that is. They are not the grandchildren she wants any more so I'm not sure she misses them...other than as actors in her personal drama!
I mentioned to DD about her Gma reading her twitter and she tweeted about how creepy it was to have family stalking her twitter feed! Way to go girl!! Maybe Mum will be pissed off and punish me again. Fingers crossed.
Still even with DD being ill we are still having good days. On Wednesday we all went out to Harlow Carr and the flowers were the best I have ever seen. There was a patch of wild flowers that were especially lovely...lots of poppies and corn flowers, very special.
On Saturday my new cooker was delivered and installed. Knowing that it would be a job and a half...mostly because of the vast amounts of expanding foam DP has used around the old cooker, don't ask...I arranged to be in town getting DS1 and 2 haircuts leaving DP to cope. Even before we left I could hear the men removing the old cooker complaining the cooker was hot...DP had used it minutes before it needed to be taken out because 'no one had told him'. Installing the cooker was obviously less than fun job...had DP 'known the foam would cause problems he would have dug the old plug out'...what bit he didn't 'know' only he could explain. He was more than aware the new cooker was being installed because I explained it all to him, but he only 'knows' he is perfect so any problems are someone else's fault obviously. Anyway non of that mattered as I wasn't there and the new cooker is gorgeous...all white and shiny and sooo clean.
On Saturday night I had another amazing experience. I phoned my parents, not because I really wanted to but felt I ought to...the problems of being a dutiful daughter, well a bit dutiful. The last phone call from my mum had been very brief and she'd not phoned since so I'd had a good week of peace and quiet and thought I'd had too much fun so ought to phone. Anyway I got my dad and we chatted for a few minutes about England winning the Ashes and the stuff he's doing in the garden. Nothing major just general chit chat...I asked after mum's health and did the polite stuff. He was then going to pass the phone over to mum so she could speak...this is when my day looked up...she wasn't wanting to speak to me. Presumably I done/not done something which has offended her and so she is punishing me by not speaking to me. I really wish I knew what I'd done so I could so it lots more!
As far as I'm concerned she can refuse to speak to me until she dies, if I never speak to her again I won't loose anything good from my life. Instead I'll loose all her self absorption and her endless negativity and all her snidy comments about what I should be doing. Long may the punishment last!
Anyway as I said happy days!
Update: unfortunately I gloated too soon and my mum phoned me a couple of days later to dribble on about who knows (or cares) what. She did ask about DD's scan...she doesn't have any scans booked but mum stalks DD's blog, twitter etc and about a month ago DD mentioned she was finally being referred to a neurologist. Mum has been told how much DD hates her reading her stuff but mum is too self absorbed and ignorant to think anyone could possible object to HER doing exactly what she wants. She really is a less than pleasant person...her loss as it means she doesn't get to see DD or DS1, though not sure how much of a loss she thinks that is. They are not the grandchildren she wants any more so I'm not sure she misses them...other than as actors in her personal drama!
I mentioned to DD about her Gma reading her twitter and she tweeted about how creepy it was to have family stalking her twitter feed! Way to go girl!! Maybe Mum will be pissed off and punish me again. Fingers crossed.
Thursday, 30 July 2015
What an exciting week! (sarcasm alert)
Well the week started off okay with me finding out I'd got carers allowance for DS2 when I spotted the money in my account. Always nice to find cash I didn't know I had.
As I now have regular extra money I decided I'd better start sorting all the long list of jobs that need doing but I have no money rather than leaving them in the hopes they'll get sorted by elves. So I got the gas fires serviced and got details of how big a new cooker I could squeeze into the kitchen. Unfortunately I can't get a normal sized cooker I still need a little one, a real shame as there is technically space for a bigger cooker but new safety rules means I can't use all the space.
The other problem is that the gas heater in the kitchen is unsafe because the chimney is leaking and needs relining. Not worth the money so I am now trying to get a quote for a new electric fire...I do not fancy a winter without heating in the kitchen!! At least sorting the heaters in the summer gives me time to get everything working by winter when it will be freezing. Not that's its exactly warm at the moment.
I am also getting a quote for a new shower for the top bathroom. The shower has never worked well, it drains poorly and it only gives a trickle of water. I have been wanting to replace it for years and now seems like a good time to find out how much it will be. I am not sure when I will get the money together, even with extra cash coming in we still have more jobs needing cash than we have money! The list of jobs that need doing include-
Well it won't all be done anytime soon but its good to know I have some cash coming in regularly to help. Makes it possible to start on the list.
Another good thing this week is that I've not heard from my parents. I phoned them over a week ago and its been lovely and quiet ever since. I'm enjoying the rest. My brother was due to go over yesterday and see them and mum was expecting him to stay, not sure if that was part of his plans but fortunately its nothing to do with me either way. I will doubtless hear all about it from mum at some stage.
Update: well I got a phone call from my mum in the evening and my brother did stay over for one night which was good of him. It was a weirdly brief phone call, my mum has been known to dribble on for over an hour as standard on phone calls and this one lasted less than 5 minutes. I think the reason for the brevity was that I told her my news...about the gas fire and the chimney...that's not the purpose of phone calls I am supposed to ask after her health and then listen while she tells me boring twaddle about her life. I prefer the shorter phone calls, though even in the brief time she spoke she still managed to be snidey about how I deal with DS2 and blatantly uninterested in anything to do with my life. What it is to have such a supportive mother.
Update 2: well here I am updating this less than a year after I originally wrote my list of jobs I'd like done and I am overjoyed that every one of the jobs I really wanting sorting has been done! We have also got a stairlift for DD fitted and triple glazing in her bedroom to reduce the noise coming from the street. Its been a busy year and DD I have both been saving like mad but we have worked our way through everything on the list, even with such minor matters as a new washing machine being needed when the last one died and even a new tumble drier when that stopped working properly. We now need to save for DS1's deposit for a shared house in London for his 3rd year of Uni and afterwards. So no worries!! Good job we are used to saving hard!
As I now have regular extra money I decided I'd better start sorting all the long list of jobs that need doing but I have no money rather than leaving them in the hopes they'll get sorted by elves. So I got the gas fires serviced and got details of how big a new cooker I could squeeze into the kitchen. Unfortunately I can't get a normal sized cooker I still need a little one, a real shame as there is technically space for a bigger cooker but new safety rules means I can't use all the space.
The other problem is that the gas heater in the kitchen is unsafe because the chimney is leaking and needs relining. Not worth the money so I am now trying to get a quote for a new electric fire...I do not fancy a winter without heating in the kitchen!! At least sorting the heaters in the summer gives me time to get everything working by winter when it will be freezing. Not that's its exactly warm at the moment.
I am also getting a quote for a new shower for the top bathroom. The shower has never worked well, it drains poorly and it only gives a trickle of water. I have been wanting to replace it for years and now seems like a good time to find out how much it will be. I am not sure when I will get the money together, even with extra cash coming in we still have more jobs needing cash than we have money! The list of jobs that need doing include-
- car MOT in the next month and all the work that invariably needs doing
- replace sofa in living room
- sort roof to try and stop water coming in...this is an on going problem and is endlessly annoying.
- replace the cooker
- sort an electric heater in the kitchen
- replace the shower in the top bathroom
Well it won't all be done anytime soon but its good to know I have some cash coming in regularly to help. Makes it possible to start on the list.
Another good thing this week is that I've not heard from my parents. I phoned them over a week ago and its been lovely and quiet ever since. I'm enjoying the rest. My brother was due to go over yesterday and see them and mum was expecting him to stay, not sure if that was part of his plans but fortunately its nothing to do with me either way. I will doubtless hear all about it from mum at some stage.
Update: well I got a phone call from my mum in the evening and my brother did stay over for one night which was good of him. It was a weirdly brief phone call, my mum has been known to dribble on for over an hour as standard on phone calls and this one lasted less than 5 minutes. I think the reason for the brevity was that I told her my news...about the gas fire and the chimney...that's not the purpose of phone calls I am supposed to ask after her health and then listen while she tells me boring twaddle about her life. I prefer the shorter phone calls, though even in the brief time she spoke she still managed to be snidey about how I deal with DS2 and blatantly uninterested in anything to do with my life. What it is to have such a supportive mother.
Update 2: well here I am updating this less than a year after I originally wrote my list of jobs I'd like done and I am overjoyed that every one of the jobs I really wanting sorting has been done! We have also got a stairlift for DD fitted and triple glazing in her bedroom to reduce the noise coming from the street. Its been a busy year and DD I have both been saving like mad but we have worked our way through everything on the list, even with such minor matters as a new washing machine being needed when the last one died and even a new tumble drier when that stopped working properly. We now need to save for DS1's deposit for a shared house in London for his 3rd year of Uni and afterwards. So no worries!! Good job we are used to saving hard!
Saturday, 11 July 2015
Our holiday
Well we booked a holiday on a canal boat that was specially adapted for wheelchair users. It looked perfect, a slow moving, gentle holiday with lots of time to do stuff as a family...when I say 'family' I mean me, DD, DS1 and DS2, DP hasn't been included in our holiday plans for years as he can poison anything with his temper and foul moods. We had planned a route that would take us to Stratford on Avon and it all looked idyllic.
We got to the boat yard on Thursday and got everything on board and DS1 got taught how to steer the boat. It all looked fine...the boat wasn't as wheelchair accessible as we'd imagined but still workable. We were recommended not to do the route we planned as it was not easy for beginners and would need more able bodied people than we had...really just DS1 and me. So we set off down the River Severn for Worcester.
The river was lovely, everything we'd hoped for. Lots of nature, warm sunshine and plenty to see on the river. Unfortunately the boat was not easy enough to steer that anyone except DS1 could do it so he stayed at the tiller all day and ended up extremely over tired, sunburnt and dehydrated. He was concentrating so hard he didn't drink or eat enough and couldn't take a break to get suncreamed up. Not that suncream made that much difference...it was very sunny.
But the main problem wasn't DS1 it was DD. She just found it all too much, too much light, too much movement, too much having to concentrate because she felt she had to help cope with manoeuvring the boat as much as she could. She couldn't rest when she needed to and got dangerously over tired. She has been flaring mildly in recent weeks and we were anxious about how she would cope on holiday but wanted to go anyway, well we found out how she coped and it wasn't well.
We moored up in Worcester on Thursday night and I decided we would go back on Friday....DS1 admitted he found steering the boat all the time harder than he'd imagined, DS2 loved the boat but was getting bored as there was little for him to do when he were moving, I found the constant motion disconcerting (I suffer appallingly from motion sickness and even a slow moving boat on a gentle river affected me) but non of these would have mattered if DD was coping. But she wasn't, she was struggling too much and the only option was to bring her home before she got too ill to manage the journey back. To be honest only DS2 was disappointed with the decision and even he could see how desperately poorly DD was...he gave her the teddy he'd brought on holiday to protect him. He is such a sweetie, hard work but sooo worth it.
The holiday was worth it....DD and I were up at 4am on Friday morning watching the dawn over the river...total magic. I saw an otter, she saw kingfishers and we all saw loads of heron. DS2 got to steer the boat for a tiny section which made him feel amazing and he got to sound the horn loads. DS1 got his low opinion of motor boats confirmed by the arrogance of the motor yacht owners, he is definitely a sail man. But even with all of this coming home was the right decision.
Unfortunately it was a hellish journey coming home...6.5 hours for a 3 hour journey, thank God for air con! The traffic round Birmingham was VERY slow moving. Still it was good to be home again and DD was happy to be back in her own room where she could control the light and she was able to rest in more comfort. She was still dangerously overtired and in huge amounts of pain but found it easier to manage at home.
An interesting note: on the first night I had a text message from my Mum and DP both basically saying 'hope you have a good holiday'. I replied to both saying the weather was good but DD was struggling and we were coming back early. DP replied briefly saying 'what a shame', but no enquiry about DD. My Mum didn't reply at all. I also texted my friend to say what was happening and got texts back expressing normal interest and offering support and the following morning she texted again to check how DD was coping and basically showed she cared. Nothing from DP or Mum. When we got home DP was plainly not expecting us back and was VERY plainly not happy we had got back early to invade 'his' space!
I didn't find out anything I didn't know but it was a very clear example of how little DP and Mum care about DD.
We got to the boat yard on Thursday and got everything on board and DS1 got taught how to steer the boat. It all looked fine...the boat wasn't as wheelchair accessible as we'd imagined but still workable. We were recommended not to do the route we planned as it was not easy for beginners and would need more able bodied people than we had...really just DS1 and me. So we set off down the River Severn for Worcester.
The river was lovely, everything we'd hoped for. Lots of nature, warm sunshine and plenty to see on the river. Unfortunately the boat was not easy enough to steer that anyone except DS1 could do it so he stayed at the tiller all day and ended up extremely over tired, sunburnt and dehydrated. He was concentrating so hard he didn't drink or eat enough and couldn't take a break to get suncreamed up. Not that suncream made that much difference...it was very sunny.
But the main problem wasn't DS1 it was DD. She just found it all too much, too much light, too much movement, too much having to concentrate because she felt she had to help cope with manoeuvring the boat as much as she could. She couldn't rest when she needed to and got dangerously over tired. She has been flaring mildly in recent weeks and we were anxious about how she would cope on holiday but wanted to go anyway, well we found out how she coped and it wasn't well.
We moored up in Worcester on Thursday night and I decided we would go back on Friday....DS1 admitted he found steering the boat all the time harder than he'd imagined, DS2 loved the boat but was getting bored as there was little for him to do when he were moving, I found the constant motion disconcerting (I suffer appallingly from motion sickness and even a slow moving boat on a gentle river affected me) but non of these would have mattered if DD was coping. But she wasn't, she was struggling too much and the only option was to bring her home before she got too ill to manage the journey back. To be honest only DS2 was disappointed with the decision and even he could see how desperately poorly DD was...he gave her the teddy he'd brought on holiday to protect him. He is such a sweetie, hard work but sooo worth it.
The holiday was worth it....DD and I were up at 4am on Friday morning watching the dawn over the river...total magic. I saw an otter, she saw kingfishers and we all saw loads of heron. DS2 got to steer the boat for a tiny section which made him feel amazing and he got to sound the horn loads. DS1 got his low opinion of motor boats confirmed by the arrogance of the motor yacht owners, he is definitely a sail man. But even with all of this coming home was the right decision.
Unfortunately it was a hellish journey coming home...6.5 hours for a 3 hour journey, thank God for air con! The traffic round Birmingham was VERY slow moving. Still it was good to be home again and DD was happy to be back in her own room where she could control the light and she was able to rest in more comfort. She was still dangerously overtired and in huge amounts of pain but found it easier to manage at home.
An interesting note: on the first night I had a text message from my Mum and DP both basically saying 'hope you have a good holiday'. I replied to both saying the weather was good but DD was struggling and we were coming back early. DP replied briefly saying 'what a shame', but no enquiry about DD. My Mum didn't reply at all. I also texted my friend to say what was happening and got texts back expressing normal interest and offering support and the following morning she texted again to check how DD was coping and basically showed she cared. Nothing from DP or Mum. When we got home DP was plainly not expecting us back and was VERY plainly not happy we had got back early to invade 'his' space!
I didn't find out anything I didn't know but it was a very clear example of how little DP and Mum care about DD.
My Mum is ill
My mum has smoked for more than 60 years and, unsurprisingly, suffers from chest problems as a result. She has smoked up to 60 a day at some stages and still smokes plenty, even though she is not supposed to be smoking at all.
She had a chest infection last week, quelle surprise, she ALWAYS has a 'chest infection'. She wasn't well but then she's not been well for years and is pretty much house bound unless my Dad takes her out. Well this chest infection turned nasty and she ended up having to be rushed to hospital in an ambulance and having oxygen forced into her lungs for 48 hours as her blood oxygen was so low.
She remembers nothing about this, hardly surprising, so thinks everyone is making a fuss about nothing and is plainly not planning on giving up cigarettes. She is annoyed that the ambulance workers cut off her clothes! She is whinging about all the bruises on her arms from where needles were inserted...okay the bruises look awful but she needs to look at the big picture. She is alive, which was far from certain when she arrived in hospital. She was in Intensive Care for 48 hours! The woman is delusional.
If I am being totally honest I was really disappointed that she recovered. I was very much hoping that she would die...I have been waiting for it for years. She is, as far as I'm concerned, a nasty waste of space. She is very needy and everything has to be about her. She dismisses my DD's illness because it takes attention away from her and means I have an excuse for not living my life according to her script.
The more I look back on my childhood the more aware I become of how manipulative and unpleasant she was. Yet I would still say my childhood was happy...not so much my teenage years and beyond but that's life for you. Mum does like to the centre of attention. Fortunately for her my Dad still thinks she is amazing and is really pleased she recovered and will still be around shouting at him and being offensively rude for a few more years. I am not so pleased but keep all contact to a minimum so its not a major problem for me.
She had a chest infection last week, quelle surprise, she ALWAYS has a 'chest infection'. She wasn't well but then she's not been well for years and is pretty much house bound unless my Dad takes her out. Well this chest infection turned nasty and she ended up having to be rushed to hospital in an ambulance and having oxygen forced into her lungs for 48 hours as her blood oxygen was so low.
She remembers nothing about this, hardly surprising, so thinks everyone is making a fuss about nothing and is plainly not planning on giving up cigarettes. She is annoyed that the ambulance workers cut off her clothes! She is whinging about all the bruises on her arms from where needles were inserted...okay the bruises look awful but she needs to look at the big picture. She is alive, which was far from certain when she arrived in hospital. She was in Intensive Care for 48 hours! The woman is delusional.
If I am being totally honest I was really disappointed that she recovered. I was very much hoping that she would die...I have been waiting for it for years. She is, as far as I'm concerned, a nasty waste of space. She is very needy and everything has to be about her. She dismisses my DD's illness because it takes attention away from her and means I have an excuse for not living my life according to her script.
The more I look back on my childhood the more aware I become of how manipulative and unpleasant she was. Yet I would still say my childhood was happy...not so much my teenage years and beyond but that's life for you. Mum does like to the centre of attention. Fortunately for her my Dad still thinks she is amazing and is really pleased she recovered and will still be around shouting at him and being offensively rude for a few more years. I am not so pleased but keep all contact to a minimum so its not a major problem for me.
Friday, 5 June 2015
DD's birthday
Yesterday was DD's birthday, she was 22. We hadn't planned to do much, she is really tired and struggling at the moment, so we decided we'd spend the day watching silly films and eating nice food. The day started well as DS1 skyped to chat to his sister and wish her Happy Birthday.
The present I'd ordered for DD hadn't arrived but I'd got DD some 'gourmet' chocolates which she loved, she liked them even more once she'd tried them. The flavours were odd and she didn't feel they really worked so she got the excitement of trying new flavour combinations, the pleasure of giving chocolates to her little brother and no calories...excellent chocolates.
We watched 'Victor/Victoria' first and it was not the film I remembered. The first half was fun but the second half was not great but we still enjoyed dissecting the film and remaking it to our satisfaction. DD got biscuits and gravy for lunch. She watches a lot of 'Diners, Drive-ins and Dives' and loves American style food, and she's been wanting to have biscuits and gravy for years. Well I finally got round to making it for her and making a dish you've never seen so have no idea of basics, like how thick the sauce should be, was an interesting experience. Fortunately DD loved it and its something I can easily make for her again.
I then had my lunch and got tea sorted, we had then planned on starting our next film but DS2 came home and needed sorting and I had other jobs I needed to sort...I even tried to read an article from The Guardian...all of which took time. We were just about to put the film in when DP came home from work early. NOT GOOD!! what a horrid end to a birthday, cause once he was home it was the end of us having fun. DD put her headphones on and watched stuff on her ipad and I surfed the internet. Not what we'd planned. To really make sure the whole rest of the day sucked DP then announced he was 'in two minds' about going out to his class in the evening. The fact he goes out every evening is all that keeps me sane some days!
Talk about ruining the mood! As it was such a gorgeous day DD and I went out to a quiet local park after tea, we were the only people there so the fact she was in pyjamas and slipper mattered not at all. DS2 asked DP to take him to the park to play some football, he apparently agreed but was so incredibly grumpy that even though they left after us they were still home before we got back, and we were only out for a few minutes. What a knob! DP proceeded to stay grumpy until DD went up to bed when he was very happy to rush into the living room and watch TV...he does get unreasonably grumpy that DD has the temerity to sit in HIS living room, on HIS sofa and watch HIS TV...as I say, what a knob!
You may have noticed that in all the description of the day I haven't mentioned the part where DP wishes his daughter Happy Birthday...DS2 did, he had made her a card and was really sweet and lovely when he got in from school, DS1 skyped and chatted, spoonie friends sent cards and presents. Her father NOTHING...he didn't speak to her at all the entire day. Okay the not speaking to her was hardly unusual, he's barely exchanged a word with DD in months and months, probably years. DD can only recall him speaking to her AT ALL once this year. But you'd think on her birthday however much of a knob you are you could manage to rustle up the grace to say 'Happy Birthday'. Well not if you are my DP. To add the cherry to the top of this particular crappness DP announced he was working from home today...oh yeah what fun...he will be around all day being obnoxious and crappy another day and then we go into a weekend! I am just sooo lucky.
The present I'd ordered for DD hadn't arrived but I'd got DD some 'gourmet' chocolates which she loved, she liked them even more once she'd tried them. The flavours were odd and she didn't feel they really worked so she got the excitement of trying new flavour combinations, the pleasure of giving chocolates to her little brother and no calories...excellent chocolates.
We watched 'Victor/Victoria' first and it was not the film I remembered. The first half was fun but the second half was not great but we still enjoyed dissecting the film and remaking it to our satisfaction. DD got biscuits and gravy for lunch. She watches a lot of 'Diners, Drive-ins and Dives' and loves American style food, and she's been wanting to have biscuits and gravy for years. Well I finally got round to making it for her and making a dish you've never seen so have no idea of basics, like how thick the sauce should be, was an interesting experience. Fortunately DD loved it and its something I can easily make for her again.
I then had my lunch and got tea sorted, we had then planned on starting our next film but DS2 came home and needed sorting and I had other jobs I needed to sort...I even tried to read an article from The Guardian...all of which took time. We were just about to put the film in when DP came home from work early. NOT GOOD!! what a horrid end to a birthday, cause once he was home it was the end of us having fun. DD put her headphones on and watched stuff on her ipad and I surfed the internet. Not what we'd planned. To really make sure the whole rest of the day sucked DP then announced he was 'in two minds' about going out to his class in the evening. The fact he goes out every evening is all that keeps me sane some days!
Talk about ruining the mood! As it was such a gorgeous day DD and I went out to a quiet local park after tea, we were the only people there so the fact she was in pyjamas and slipper mattered not at all. DS2 asked DP to take him to the park to play some football, he apparently agreed but was so incredibly grumpy that even though they left after us they were still home before we got back, and we were only out for a few minutes. What a knob! DP proceeded to stay grumpy until DD went up to bed when he was very happy to rush into the living room and watch TV...he does get unreasonably grumpy that DD has the temerity to sit in HIS living room, on HIS sofa and watch HIS TV...as I say, what a knob!
You may have noticed that in all the description of the day I haven't mentioned the part where DP wishes his daughter Happy Birthday...DS2 did, he had made her a card and was really sweet and lovely when he got in from school, DS1 skyped and chatted, spoonie friends sent cards and presents. Her father NOTHING...he didn't speak to her at all the entire day. Okay the not speaking to her was hardly unusual, he's barely exchanged a word with DD in months and months, probably years. DD can only recall him speaking to her AT ALL once this year. But you'd think on her birthday however much of a knob you are you could manage to rustle up the grace to say 'Happy Birthday'. Well not if you are my DP. To add the cherry to the top of this particular crappness DP announced he was working from home today...oh yeah what fun...he will be around all day being obnoxious and crappy another day and then we go into a weekend! I am just sooo lucky.
Monday, 1 June 2015
So I'm trying to loose some weight.
I have been over weight most of my life. I put on weight in early puberty and my Mum made me feel as though I was enormous and gross. Even before puberty I thought I was big, some of my earliest memories are of my Mum telling me how big I was and 'joking' about my size. When I put on weight in puberty and realised how repulsed my Mum was I tried to diet, I had no idea of sensible dieting and so ate a totally crazy diet. I was lucky to avoid anorexia and looking back I think my Mum would have been quite happy with me ending up anorexic...well maybe I'd have been thin enough for her then!
So ended a cycle of dieting and putting on weight again that lasted me for far too much of my life, adding it up I was dieting for about 30 years. Such a waste especially as I wasn't exactly over weight when I started, 10st 8lb (I did look shocking in old photos, I admit, think 70's fashion and hair styles and a badly needed brace but I wasn't over weight). At my heaviest I got as high as 16st and at my lowest I got down to 10st 7lb (briefly)...I did manage 8st 7lb when I first dieted but that was stupid and didn't even please my Mum then!
I finally gave up dieting about 10 years ago...I put on about 2-3st when I began fostering, something that's not uncommon if you are an emotional eater as I am. I ate all my anger at how DS2 had been treated, I ate all the anger and frustration at how difficult his behaviour was, I ate my exhaustion from having no sleep for weeks/months as he nightmared, I ate my unhappiness at having to give up work and stay home to care for DS2 full time. I ate all the time. But I decided dieting was not for me and that I needed to live with who I was and just get on with my life, which was my sanest and healthiest decision.
I ended up settling around 15st, not a size I was ecstatic with but I could live with it. DP was getting more narc and showing more abuser style behaviour which left me without any support as I dealt with DS2 growing up, a rollercoaster of a ride, DD working towards Oxford with depression (not related), getting an offer and then being too ill with ME to go, DS1 finding what he wanted to do and finally going off to Uni. I had a lot to cope with and did not have any spare energy to care about my weight...also being fat makes you invisible and I was happy not to be seen.
But I stepped on the scales last week and discovered I had put on 7lb and decided enough was enough I had to loose some weight. I had no intention of actually dieting I just thought I'd eat more sensibly for a week or so and get back into my comfort zone weight wise and then go back to my diet of junk food. I stopped eating junk and bread and found it surprisingly easy and have already lost most of my 'excess' weight. Unfortunately for my junk food days there have been unexpected side effects of my healthier eating, I have lost all the anaesthetic effects of excess eating and DD is so much happier with the fact I can offer so much more support now I have more emotions available. Eating suppressed my negative emotions but it suppressed my positive emotions too which is not brilliant when I am DD's only support. So I am going to have to stay with the healthy eating permanently which may have other unexpected side effects for DP as I now have zero tolerance for his silliness and, I'm wanting to say manipulation but that's not quite right I think the word I'm looking for is entitlement but whatever, I am getting a LOT less tolerant and I wasn't exactly an enabler before (more of an ignorer). Not sure how he is feeling about the new me, or even if he's noticed. We will see.
Not sure what the future holds either weight wise or emotion/personality wise but its a new journey and I'm keen to see what happens.
Update: well I have now been eating healthily for about 2 months and have lost about a stone, so not a fast weight loss. Given how big I still am I'm fairly surprised how slowly the weight is coming off and will freely admit I would not still be dieting if I was looking to loose weight as my only motivation for the way I'm eating. Its still fairly easy, though yesterday was crazily hard as we drove back from holiday and I was beyond exhaustion and all I wanted to do was eat as many calories as possible to give me an energy boost. But I didn't which impressed me no end, the scales were less impressed but that's life for you. I will either loose weight or not but I am offering more support to DD which is the important thing.
Update 2: I am still slowly loosing weight...whole weeks go by when I loose or gain 1/2 a lb, it really doesn't seem worth the effort. But to be honest its not really a major effort, I don't get any of the cravings I have experienced in every diet I've ever done...there have been 100s!, so I keep plodding on. I would be happier if my scales loved me more but I can live with it. In order to loose weight even as slowly as I'm managing I am eating less than a 1000 calories a day, so should theoretically be loosing weight steadily, but as all dieters know bodies just don't work that way. I have lost about 30% of the weight I plan to loose...at this rate I will have lost all the weight I want to loose by the end of the year. It will obviously take longer, but it will be interesting. Its been sooo long since I was less than fat!
Update 3: I have now lost almost 50% of the weight I am looking to loose. Still no one has noticed I've lost any weight at all which is bit disappointing but hopefully the next 50% will be more noticeable. I am still managing to eat low enough levels of calories that I loose some weight most weeks but its getting harder. I think its the dark nights that are making me hungry!
So ended a cycle of dieting and putting on weight again that lasted me for far too much of my life, adding it up I was dieting for about 30 years. Such a waste especially as I wasn't exactly over weight when I started, 10st 8lb (I did look shocking in old photos, I admit, think 70's fashion and hair styles and a badly needed brace but I wasn't over weight). At my heaviest I got as high as 16st and at my lowest I got down to 10st 7lb (briefly)...I did manage 8st 7lb when I first dieted but that was stupid and didn't even please my Mum then!
I finally gave up dieting about 10 years ago...I put on about 2-3st when I began fostering, something that's not uncommon if you are an emotional eater as I am. I ate all my anger at how DS2 had been treated, I ate all the anger and frustration at how difficult his behaviour was, I ate my exhaustion from having no sleep for weeks/months as he nightmared, I ate my unhappiness at having to give up work and stay home to care for DS2 full time. I ate all the time. But I decided dieting was not for me and that I needed to live with who I was and just get on with my life, which was my sanest and healthiest decision.
I ended up settling around 15st, not a size I was ecstatic with but I could live with it. DP was getting more narc and showing more abuser style behaviour which left me without any support as I dealt with DS2 growing up, a rollercoaster of a ride, DD working towards Oxford with depression (not related), getting an offer and then being too ill with ME to go, DS1 finding what he wanted to do and finally going off to Uni. I had a lot to cope with and did not have any spare energy to care about my weight...also being fat makes you invisible and I was happy not to be seen.
But I stepped on the scales last week and discovered I had put on 7lb and decided enough was enough I had to loose some weight. I had no intention of actually dieting I just thought I'd eat more sensibly for a week or so and get back into my comfort zone weight wise and then go back to my diet of junk food. I stopped eating junk and bread and found it surprisingly easy and have already lost most of my 'excess' weight. Unfortunately for my junk food days there have been unexpected side effects of my healthier eating, I have lost all the anaesthetic effects of excess eating and DD is so much happier with the fact I can offer so much more support now I have more emotions available. Eating suppressed my negative emotions but it suppressed my positive emotions too which is not brilliant when I am DD's only support. So I am going to have to stay with the healthy eating permanently which may have other unexpected side effects for DP as I now have zero tolerance for his silliness and, I'm wanting to say manipulation but that's not quite right I think the word I'm looking for is entitlement but whatever, I am getting a LOT less tolerant and I wasn't exactly an enabler before (more of an ignorer). Not sure how he is feeling about the new me, or even if he's noticed. We will see.
Not sure what the future holds either weight wise or emotion/personality wise but its a new journey and I'm keen to see what happens.
Update: well I have now been eating healthily for about 2 months and have lost about a stone, so not a fast weight loss. Given how big I still am I'm fairly surprised how slowly the weight is coming off and will freely admit I would not still be dieting if I was looking to loose weight as my only motivation for the way I'm eating. Its still fairly easy, though yesterday was crazily hard as we drove back from holiday and I was beyond exhaustion and all I wanted to do was eat as many calories as possible to give me an energy boost. But I didn't which impressed me no end, the scales were less impressed but that's life for you. I will either loose weight or not but I am offering more support to DD which is the important thing.
Update 2: I am still slowly loosing weight...whole weeks go by when I loose or gain 1/2 a lb, it really doesn't seem worth the effort. But to be honest its not really a major effort, I don't get any of the cravings I have experienced in every diet I've ever done...there have been 100s!, so I keep plodding on. I would be happier if my scales loved me more but I can live with it. In order to loose weight even as slowly as I'm managing I am eating less than a 1000 calories a day, so should theoretically be loosing weight steadily, but as all dieters know bodies just don't work that way. I have lost about 30% of the weight I plan to loose...at this rate I will have lost all the weight I want to loose by the end of the year. It will obviously take longer, but it will be interesting. Its been sooo long since I was less than fat!
Update 3: I have now lost almost 50% of the weight I am looking to loose. Still no one has noticed I've lost any weight at all which is bit disappointing but hopefully the next 50% will be more noticeable. I am still managing to eat low enough levels of calories that I loose some weight most weeks but its getting harder. I think its the dark nights that are making me hungry!
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