This week we have a General Election on Thursday and DS1 has his final year project assessed on Tuesday.
When the election was initially called the Conservatives had a massive lead...think 20%. Some Polls are now showing the Labour party to be only 1% behind. It looks as though we are back to two part politics as the Conservatives haven't lost many points but the Labour party have gained nearly 20%. Normally it wouldn't matter greatly as the difference between the two major parties isn't massive and wouldn't realistically affect us, but with Corbyn as Labour leader its catastrophic! He is a complete second rater who is antisemitic, misogynistic, a supporter of Terrorist groups such as the IRA and Hamas, is in favour of returning the country to the 70's in terms of union power and taxation and is also a massive hypocrite. As you can tell I am not a fan, though for some reason he is being lauded by large sections of the media and obviously plenty of people like him. I think he is like Trump and people are using him as a blank canvas and projecting what they want to believe onto him. Bemusing in both cases as the information about their real beliefs was out there. People just like to live in their own bubble I guess...also the fact Corbyn's initials are JC does seem to make him believe he is Messiah even if no one else actually believes that...though plenty seem to!
Corbyn's Shadow Cabinet...and potentially Cabinet...is full is total second raters as no one in the Labour Party in Parliament with any integrity or intelligence will serve with him, which says all that needs to be said about him, and people are still wanting to vote for him. Really scary!! We will know the worst on Friday. I have to say I'm really worried, especially as there have been three terrorist attacks in recent months and Corbyn and his bunch of incompetents could be tasked with keeping the country safe. Not a good prospect given how much Corbyn loves terrorists!!
DS1 is finally working on his project but realistically needs another couple of weeks to get everything finished. Its 100% his fault as he is incredibly lazy if he can get away with it and needs tight deadlines to keep him working. He is aware of this and really tried timetabling his work and sticking to it but, as with any major project, problems he hadn't foreseen kept cropping up and instead of working overtime to keep on target time-wise he just drifted a bit. Hence the massive panic now. Fingers crossed it all goes well and his assessment goes well. He had been wanting a First but I'm thinking its more likely to be a 2.2, which is what I got so it means I can tease him as I have been brutally teased by both DD and DS1 for the inadequacy of my degree.
Other than that its not a dreadful week DP is away until Tuesday night and then away again from the weekend for a week...in America with work, which he is insisting he won't enjoy! He is such a knob, okay if you go to America every other week with work I can see it getting dull but he's never been before and is unlikely to ever get their under his own steam so enjoy as much as you can. But he did the same last year when he went to Australia and was just so tediously boring and reckoned all he saw was hotels rooms and work...I think I'd have tried to get out a bit even if only to a supermarket or something.
He is then away again in June to France to see his Mum and sister...they are both unpleasant and I am very glad I get to avoid all contact with them. I have enough with my mum, who phoned yesterday to complain that when I'd phoned on Saturday she hadn't been able to hear me...she is relentlessly negative and unpleasant...anyway she ended the phone call by being offensive about DD basically her usual nastiness that she isn't really ill and would get better if she wanted to and was more positive. I put the phone down on her and will be too busy to pick up the phone if she calls back. DD has been incredibly poorly recently, massive amounts of pain and very limited energy. She is slowly coming round but its going to take time and I really do not need my mum to be a total bitch all the time and make it all about her.
I am obviously a bad person as so many people in my life are self absorbed and unpleasant, DP doesn't know when DD's birthday is and got the day wrong...and didn't get a card or present, or indeed wish her a happy birthday. Not that his behaviour was in any way unusual, he hasn't bought a birthday or Xmas present for any of the children in many years, or even asked what I've got them...something he used to do. I realised last year that my only contact with my DB was when I initiated contact so I left it to see how long it would take him to contact me. Its about 18 months and the answer is that he won't...its wasn't a proper relationship anyway as he wasn't really interested in anything to do with me or my life so I'm not exactly loosing anything. My DM is becoming increasingly rude as her boundaries crumble and she stops even pretending to pay lip service to good manners. I don't actually think she is getting ruder or more self absorbed I juts think her real nature is more visible and its not pretty. I don't have to actually go NC but I'll just be unavailable...or rather even more unavailable!
Update; well the election is over and the result was not good. The Conservatives ended up as the largest party but lost their majority. Corbyn seriously seems to believe he won...he did gain seats but from a historically low position and even with the support of every other non Conservative MP in the House he couldn't command a majority...that's not a win! The most depressing aspect of the whole mess is that we will probably have another election in a few months. Not good for DD who finds all the stress and anxiety really tiring...not to mention all the nastiness that floats around social media at elections demonizing anyone who might not want to vote Labour and worship socialism. Its mostly virtue signalling rather than any actual belief in the Labour Party but its hard to deal with and it makes DD extra exhausted and she struggles enough as it is.
We should find out DS1's degree grade by the end of the month...I'm hoping he did well but I'm not really expecting it if I'm honest.
Update 2: Well DS1 did really well and got a 2.1. I'm really pleased as its a prestigious university and a world class course so they don't need to inflate the grades to justify the fees. Grade inflation is a real problem in second rate unis and ex-polys as can be seen by the first J's son got, He is a degree in the sociology of education at an ex-poly...not a real degree and I imagine LOTS of firsts were awarded. I congratulated her and didn't anything bitchy but I thought it!!
Monday, 5 June 2017
Saturday, 13 May 2017
Life goes on.
Well its already May and DS2 will soon be 19, still no signs of growing up but I live in hope. He is being extremely hard work at the moment, lots of aggression towards DD and lots of stupid behaviour towards girls. One girl in particular, who has zero self esteem so will put up with any kind of controlling behaviour from DS2 as the price of keeping him as her 'boyfriend'. Not healthy for either of them, in the end I have just had to cut off all contact outside college between them as neither of them would listen to anything I said about appropriate behaviour. He is seeing a psychologist who will, fingers crossed, help him get a handle on some of his behaviour.
DS1 is in the last couple of weeks of his course and still has masses of work to do...he was warned and I have offered to help repeatedly but he is an idle toe rag. He won't get the class of degree he wants and to be honest he doesn't deserve it. He just isn't prepared to do the work...I'm still hopeful he'll get a job of some sort in the near future because I don't want him back in Leeds long term. I am looking forward to him being around over the summer and have a massive list of jobs I need doing...basically I want the entire house decorating while I still have him around, but I really don't want him still living here by the end of the year. I suppose I shouldn't expect him to be more proactive...I was utterly lazy at his age and did minimal work but its so annoying to see.
DD is starting to do embroidery...after spending a HUGE amount of money on card making supplies and then water colour equipment I do sometimes get a little overwhelmed when she takes up a new hobby...they are all so expensive. But I can see why she finds embroidery so much easier then either card making or water colour. For a start she needs less support as she can have everything she needs easily to hand and so she doesn't need anyone around to pass her stuff. Also its not as tiring to do as its lighter. Mostly though I'm pleased she can still find activities that make her day easier.
DD is continuing to deteriorate and has been very emotionally fragile this year which is hard to live with. She has started to control her eating which is good as she topped the scales at 20 stone...not good for her at all. The weight is not coming off easily but any reduction is good and being a bit more in control seems to be helping her emotional state. Its also reducing her pulse rate quite markedly which is odd but hopefully a good sign.
I had stomach 'flu which meant I was out of action for 2-3 days and limited ability to do stuff for another day or so. DD was a star and made sure DS2 was fed and looked after him while I was out of action. DP had to take a couple of days off work as DS2 needed to be taken to two appointments but that's all he did...he really is beyond useless. I was throwing up blood...not a good sign and he was too self absorbed and selfish to take me to A&E or even pretend to care. The only support I got was from DD, who pushed herself way too hard but had no choice, and DS2 who was quite scared the first day but then got bored. I got up and did stuff...like laundry...from the second day as no one else was going to do anything and it needed doing. If I had any emotions left for DP I would despise him but he is too insignificant in my life for me to have any emotions for him at all.
DB was going to see my parents after Easter...DM was on the phone telling me all about it. I am supposed to care according to her script. Anyway she finally got round to phoning me yesterday to tell me all about it...I am fully aware I was supposed to phone her panting for an update but honestly I couldn't give a damn and the phones work just fine both ways. So I waited her out and she cracked first and phoned me. She was obviously not happy that DB and DF had spoken to each other WITHOUT HER THERE...how dare they! Anyway it looks as though DB is packing in his teaching job and will presumably look for something else. Luckily his wife works so he won't starve. Don't know what it is about the boys/males in my family but they are all lazy and moderately pathetic. I keep telling myself its not my responsibility to sort any of it out...not even DS1.
There is going to be a General Election on 8th June and with my sterling reputation as a political expert I will make another prediction...I think the Conservatives will win...that's a no brainer, even Labour think the Conservatives will win...but I don't think Labour will loose as many seats as is predicted. Basically I think Labour seats are mostly such rotten boroughs that a pig in a red rosette could stand and people would vote for it. Come to think of it a choice between a pig and most Labour MPs and I'd vote for the pig!
Given my history predicting election results...a 100% failure rate...I am now expecting Labour to win! Hopefully not as Corbyn is unmitigated disaster, you just need to look at the people who are in his Cabinet to know he is a complete second, or even third rater!
DS1 is in the last couple of weeks of his course and still has masses of work to do...he was warned and I have offered to help repeatedly but he is an idle toe rag. He won't get the class of degree he wants and to be honest he doesn't deserve it. He just isn't prepared to do the work...I'm still hopeful he'll get a job of some sort in the near future because I don't want him back in Leeds long term. I am looking forward to him being around over the summer and have a massive list of jobs I need doing...basically I want the entire house decorating while I still have him around, but I really don't want him still living here by the end of the year. I suppose I shouldn't expect him to be more proactive...I was utterly lazy at his age and did minimal work but its so annoying to see.
DD is starting to do embroidery...after spending a HUGE amount of money on card making supplies and then water colour equipment I do sometimes get a little overwhelmed when she takes up a new hobby...they are all so expensive. But I can see why she finds embroidery so much easier then either card making or water colour. For a start she needs less support as she can have everything she needs easily to hand and so she doesn't need anyone around to pass her stuff. Also its not as tiring to do as its lighter. Mostly though I'm pleased she can still find activities that make her day easier.
DD is continuing to deteriorate and has been very emotionally fragile this year which is hard to live with. She has started to control her eating which is good as she topped the scales at 20 stone...not good for her at all. The weight is not coming off easily but any reduction is good and being a bit more in control seems to be helping her emotional state. Its also reducing her pulse rate quite markedly which is odd but hopefully a good sign.
I had stomach 'flu which meant I was out of action for 2-3 days and limited ability to do stuff for another day or so. DD was a star and made sure DS2 was fed and looked after him while I was out of action. DP had to take a couple of days off work as DS2 needed to be taken to two appointments but that's all he did...he really is beyond useless. I was throwing up blood...not a good sign and he was too self absorbed and selfish to take me to A&E or even pretend to care. The only support I got was from DD, who pushed herself way too hard but had no choice, and DS2 who was quite scared the first day but then got bored. I got up and did stuff...like laundry...from the second day as no one else was going to do anything and it needed doing. If I had any emotions left for DP I would despise him but he is too insignificant in my life for me to have any emotions for him at all.
DB was going to see my parents after Easter...DM was on the phone telling me all about it. I am supposed to care according to her script. Anyway she finally got round to phoning me yesterday to tell me all about it...I am fully aware I was supposed to phone her panting for an update but honestly I couldn't give a damn and the phones work just fine both ways. So I waited her out and she cracked first and phoned me. She was obviously not happy that DB and DF had spoken to each other WITHOUT HER THERE...how dare they! Anyway it looks as though DB is packing in his teaching job and will presumably look for something else. Luckily his wife works so he won't starve. Don't know what it is about the boys/males in my family but they are all lazy and moderately pathetic. I keep telling myself its not my responsibility to sort any of it out...not even DS1.
There is going to be a General Election on 8th June and with my sterling reputation as a political expert I will make another prediction...I think the Conservatives will win...that's a no brainer, even Labour think the Conservatives will win...but I don't think Labour will loose as many seats as is predicted. Basically I think Labour seats are mostly such rotten boroughs that a pig in a red rosette could stand and people would vote for it. Come to think of it a choice between a pig and most Labour MPs and I'd vote for the pig!
Given my history predicting election results...a 100% failure rate...I am now expecting Labour to win! Hopefully not as Corbyn is unmitigated disaster, you just need to look at the people who are in his Cabinet to know he is a complete second, or even third rater!
Saturday, 8 April 2017
The Easter holidays and a new computer
DS1 has already been back to Leeds for a few days and then returned to London. Not to work but to go on Rugby 'tour'...i.e. a week long excuse for excessive drinking in Croatia. He will have had fun I'm sure and hopefully his 'tour flu' won't be a severe as last years! While he was home he got all his puppet bodies accessorized so they look like people and more professional than just sock puppets. To say he'd been making the bodies for an entire term I'm not sure what he'd done because they looked very rudimentary. Anyway DD worked incredibly hard...way beyond her energy levels and beyond what was safe for her health...but she sorted the bodies and with the help of hot glue and a lot of talent she made the bodies look awesome. The Devil was my particular favorite, by the time DD had finished he looked like a cheesy 70's game show host. I contributed by spending vast sums of money on all sorts or bits and pieces needed for glamming up the bodies - also getting DS1 a suit, a new summer jacket, some T shirts etc etc...he is an expensive hobby!! I also did a lot of hand sewing, not my favourite activity but it needed doing. I had to make skirt for Judy and a shawl and various other bits and pieces like legs and so on. It was hard work but had to be done and with the best will in the world DS1 couldn't have made the bodies look as professional and 'finished' as they did by the time we'd sorted them. Left to himself they would have looked very amateur and he can't do that with his final project.
He also had some written work that needed sorting and we made a good start on it but that can be finished over skype once he's over his 'flu'.
Anyway while DS1 was home he was using the computer and realised just how old and slow its got...I'd just got used to it I suppose. Anyway replacing it was already on the list of jobs we were saving for so it got moved to the top of the list and we ordered it there and then. I am still getting used to the new computer and the new operating systems. I'm not loving the new stuff yet but I'm sure I'll get used to it all in time. The new keyboard is causing my typing even more problems than usual but it'll get easier in a week or two I'm sure...I keep telling myself that!
DD is really not well at all, she pushed herself way too hard when DS1 was at home and suffered the expected flare. The problem is that her flares are so severe now and the levels of pain just keep increasing. She is also more emotionally unstable than she has ever been, even in the worst days of her depression- and those days were hard. It means I spend a lot of my day having to offer her intensive emotional support which is draining and means I get very little time to myself to do anything ...even reading doesn't happen some days and I've only managed to get to the gym once in about a month. Ok some of that was DS1 needed lots of stuff doing while he was in Leeds but its also because DD just can't be left on her own.
I'm also having my parents sulking because I can't be there for them. I can kind of understand, DF had a cataract operation and I phoned and sent a card but couldn't visit and didn't visit for his birthday, or Mothers Day a far more heinous crime as far a DM is concerned! But they really just don't/won't understand just how poorly DD is and that I simply can't leave her on her own for a whole day...or even half a day to go and see them. Also, lets be honest, DD even at her most demanding and emotionally unstable, is better and more rewarding company than my parents. I have no conversation with either of them and I seriously don't think either of them actually hears me when I speak because they both speak over me all the time. They also don't listen to each other because they both tell me the same stories, separately and both boringly! So its no wonder I don't rush over to see them at every opportunity. I imagine they will come over and see me at some stage soon...DS2 has already said he'll be out or in his room .He finds them as dull as I do. I'll just have to hope DP is home...not something I say often...at least if he's here he can soak up half the conversation and run interference for me.
DS2 is on his Easter holidays now and is veering between being foul and being fine. He is being particularly nasty to Renata which is worrying He is also being very nasty to DD ...telling he wishes she was dead and all that kind of nastiness. There may be reasons but I don't care he can't behave that way.
Other than that I'm enjoying the sunshine...its been grey for too long. The rat problem is still current unfortunately but doesn't seem as large an issue. The Council is working to sort the issue but there is no quick fix unfortunately so we will just have to be patient and hope its all cleared by next winter so nothing is induced to look for warmer lodgings in our house...or next door which would sound dreadful and be nearly as bad in the keeping me awake listening stakes!
He also had some written work that needed sorting and we made a good start on it but that can be finished over skype once he's over his 'flu'.
Anyway while DS1 was home he was using the computer and realised just how old and slow its got...I'd just got used to it I suppose. Anyway replacing it was already on the list of jobs we were saving for so it got moved to the top of the list and we ordered it there and then. I am still getting used to the new computer and the new operating systems. I'm not loving the new stuff yet but I'm sure I'll get used to it all in time. The new keyboard is causing my typing even more problems than usual but it'll get easier in a week or two I'm sure...I keep telling myself that!
DD is really not well at all, she pushed herself way too hard when DS1 was at home and suffered the expected flare. The problem is that her flares are so severe now and the levels of pain just keep increasing. She is also more emotionally unstable than she has ever been, even in the worst days of her depression- and those days were hard. It means I spend a lot of my day having to offer her intensive emotional support which is draining and means I get very little time to myself to do anything ...even reading doesn't happen some days and I've only managed to get to the gym once in about a month. Ok some of that was DS1 needed lots of stuff doing while he was in Leeds but its also because DD just can't be left on her own.
I'm also having my parents sulking because I can't be there for them. I can kind of understand, DF had a cataract operation and I phoned and sent a card but couldn't visit and didn't visit for his birthday, or Mothers Day a far more heinous crime as far a DM is concerned! But they really just don't/won't understand just how poorly DD is and that I simply can't leave her on her own for a whole day...or even half a day to go and see them. Also, lets be honest, DD even at her most demanding and emotionally unstable, is better and more rewarding company than my parents. I have no conversation with either of them and I seriously don't think either of them actually hears me when I speak because they both speak over me all the time. They also don't listen to each other because they both tell me the same stories, separately and both boringly! So its no wonder I don't rush over to see them at every opportunity. I imagine they will come over and see me at some stage soon...DS2 has already said he'll be out or in his room .He finds them as dull as I do. I'll just have to hope DP is home...not something I say often...at least if he's here he can soak up half the conversation and run interference for me.
DS2 is on his Easter holidays now and is veering between being foul and being fine. He is being particularly nasty to Renata which is worrying He is also being very nasty to DD ...telling he wishes she was dead and all that kind of nastiness. There may be reasons but I don't care he can't behave that way.
Other than that I'm enjoying the sunshine...its been grey for too long. The rat problem is still current unfortunately but doesn't seem as large an issue. The Council is working to sort the issue but there is no quick fix unfortunately so we will just have to be patient and hope its all cleared by next winter so nothing is induced to look for warmer lodgings in our house...or next door which would sound dreadful and be nearly as bad in the keeping me awake listening stakes!
Friday, 17 February 2017
February already
Its been half term for DS2 this week so he's been home all week. He would have been out on his bike occasionally but was far too scared to go out into the back yard as we've had a rat wandering around and to be fair I've not gone out either.
Two pest control people have been out to try and sort the problem. The second lot took one look at the bird feeder and said it had to go as no self respecting rat would eat poisoned bait while there was so much other food available. I had been surprised when the first guy said the bird feeders were no problem. It didn't please me to stop feeding the birds but worth it if we finally get rid of our VERY unwanted visitor.
We are hoping it has finally pissed off, hopefully dead, as on one's seen it for a few days now. I'm not putting the bird food out yet though, just in case. I have to say I do feel incredibly guilty about not feeding the birds, they do visit the bird feeder in vast hoards and I feel responsible for them. But I did explain to them that if they were less messy there wouldn't be so much food around and they wouldn't attracting unwanted visitors to eat the food. Not sure they understood but I did explain!
Other than that we got our cat, Renata named after a character in a favourite book of DD's The Magicians of Caprona. Renata is a very affectionate cat and is really good for DD, seems to have made a massive difference to her depression which is such good news. Unfortunately DD is still in massive amounts of pain and struggling to cope. She has been flaring for a few weeks now which isn't a good sign at all. Not helped by a problem with her wheelchair which was out of commission for a couple of weeks when it died, it turned out to be a fuse so not a majorly expensive problem.
DD has managed to get to her water colour classes and has found then beyond exhausting but she really enjoys them and is getting a lot of satisfaction from the work she does. The class is on a Thursday morning and is full of the sorts of retired ladies who used to be in the YAS when I worked there many, many years ago. They are nice ladies and its a real shame I have to stay and support DD as they'd chat to her if I wasn't there and she'd enjoy them. But there is no way I could leave her even for a bit, she really is struggling to cope and needs me there, focused on her all the time.
I can see I am using this post as a sort of diary to record what's happening in my life. Well its as good a use of my time as anything else.
DS1 has been off uni for a couple of weeks with a severe cold, he was struggling to breath and obviously felt crap. Its one of those times when I would have loved to be able to go and look after him, but he's too far away. I did offer him a train ticket home for a few days or even ending his dad to collect him, but DS1 declined...he didn't feel THAT poorly, but he did agree he'd not have objected to being home and looked after while he was ill. He is, finally, much better but its been a long old business. Hopefully next week he can get back to working on his final year project, he really doesn't need to fall behind schedule with that.
I've not managed to get to the gym for a few weeks as DD has just been too poorly to leave and when she has been able to cope there have been appointments or meetings so I've had to stay home. I am very much hoping I can get back to normal next week as I really miss exercising...not a phrase I ever thought I'd say! I've also put on a pile of weight since the start of the year but will go back to sensible eating as soon as half term is over...the year has not been easy and eating a pile of rubbish has definitely helped me cope.
Other than that my parents came over for brief visit last week. DP was working from home that day which made the visit easier as he could soak up half the conversation. My parents both carried on separate conversations simultaneously...they neither of them listen to each other. My dad does at least attempt to listen but is deaf, my mum is also deaf though would never acknowledge she was and is also incredibly rude and self centred and just doesn't bother with other people, other than to shout at my dad all the time. She is not good company.
She was in hospital briefly the week or so before...she'd got a cold and was coughing and made her chest sore...we've all been there. Anyway she made such a fuss about all the pain she was in...in the middle of the night...that my dad phoned the emergency doctor number and an ambulance was sent to check it wasn't a heart attack. She was taken to hospital where it was determined she'd not had a heart attack. As I had no intention of visiting I sent some flowers, narcissi which DD thought highly appropriate...anyway when I phoned to check how mum was she was telling me about the flowers and that she has shouted at my dad because he'd said 'you have some flowers from your daughter'. She was cross because as she said 'they might have been from your brother'. She is batshit and has lost any sense of appropriate boundaries...she had no conception that telling me that she was cross because the flowers came from me not my brother might just be considered rude.
Unfortunately she will last for years yet in spite of her continued 'ill health'. She is patently less than happy that I don't go and visit and that DD and DS1 don't put on a show of being doting grandchildren. Well its not going to happen, DD and DS1 are both adults and have no liking for their GMA. DD is way too poorly to visit and not well enough to provide a floor show for DM when she comes to visit, even assuming DM could be trusted not to be crashingly rude, something DD is far to emotionally fragile to cope with. DS1 is just too busy and is getting on with his life...hopefully this summer once he's finished his degree he'll get a job and move out from here. My DM has some fairy tale vision in her head of what her life is supposed to be like and adoring grandchildren and fawning daughter obviously feature...well its not real and its not going to happen. You reap what you sow and she has been nasty and rude to DD far too often, so no. my children do not adore or even like you. DS1 won't commit to going to her funeral and DD is way too poorly to attend, even assuming she doesn't die first. If that happens DM will have the shock of her life as she won't be told until after the funeral that DD has even died. DD is VERY clear about who she will allow at her funeral and it doesn't include anyone except DS1 and DS2 and me...there will be a lot of people who will be very unhappy....I will take great pleasure in telling them why! If they have no relationship with her alive why should they get to enjoy the drama of playing grieving relative at a funeral.
Anyway I am hoping the year improves...it will get warmer which will be good even if nothing else gets noticeably better.
Two pest control people have been out to try and sort the problem. The second lot took one look at the bird feeder and said it had to go as no self respecting rat would eat poisoned bait while there was so much other food available. I had been surprised when the first guy said the bird feeders were no problem. It didn't please me to stop feeding the birds but worth it if we finally get rid of our VERY unwanted visitor.
We are hoping it has finally pissed off, hopefully dead, as on one's seen it for a few days now. I'm not putting the bird food out yet though, just in case. I have to say I do feel incredibly guilty about not feeding the birds, they do visit the bird feeder in vast hoards and I feel responsible for them. But I did explain to them that if they were less messy there wouldn't be so much food around and they wouldn't attracting unwanted visitors to eat the food. Not sure they understood but I did explain!
Other than that we got our cat, Renata named after a character in a favourite book of DD's The Magicians of Caprona. Renata is a very affectionate cat and is really good for DD, seems to have made a massive difference to her depression which is such good news. Unfortunately DD is still in massive amounts of pain and struggling to cope. She has been flaring for a few weeks now which isn't a good sign at all. Not helped by a problem with her wheelchair which was out of commission for a couple of weeks when it died, it turned out to be a fuse so not a majorly expensive problem.
DD has managed to get to her water colour classes and has found then beyond exhausting but she really enjoys them and is getting a lot of satisfaction from the work she does. The class is on a Thursday morning and is full of the sorts of retired ladies who used to be in the YAS when I worked there many, many years ago. They are nice ladies and its a real shame I have to stay and support DD as they'd chat to her if I wasn't there and she'd enjoy them. But there is no way I could leave her even for a bit, she really is struggling to cope and needs me there, focused on her all the time.
I can see I am using this post as a sort of diary to record what's happening in my life. Well its as good a use of my time as anything else.
DS1 has been off uni for a couple of weeks with a severe cold, he was struggling to breath and obviously felt crap. Its one of those times when I would have loved to be able to go and look after him, but he's too far away. I did offer him a train ticket home for a few days or even ending his dad to collect him, but DS1 declined...he didn't feel THAT poorly, but he did agree he'd not have objected to being home and looked after while he was ill. He is, finally, much better but its been a long old business. Hopefully next week he can get back to working on his final year project, he really doesn't need to fall behind schedule with that.
I've not managed to get to the gym for a few weeks as DD has just been too poorly to leave and when she has been able to cope there have been appointments or meetings so I've had to stay home. I am very much hoping I can get back to normal next week as I really miss exercising...not a phrase I ever thought I'd say! I've also put on a pile of weight since the start of the year but will go back to sensible eating as soon as half term is over...the year has not been easy and eating a pile of rubbish has definitely helped me cope.
Other than that my parents came over for brief visit last week. DP was working from home that day which made the visit easier as he could soak up half the conversation. My parents both carried on separate conversations simultaneously...they neither of them listen to each other. My dad does at least attempt to listen but is deaf, my mum is also deaf though would never acknowledge she was and is also incredibly rude and self centred and just doesn't bother with other people, other than to shout at my dad all the time. She is not good company.
She was in hospital briefly the week or so before...she'd got a cold and was coughing and made her chest sore...we've all been there. Anyway she made such a fuss about all the pain she was in...in the middle of the night...that my dad phoned the emergency doctor number and an ambulance was sent to check it wasn't a heart attack. She was taken to hospital where it was determined she'd not had a heart attack. As I had no intention of visiting I sent some flowers, narcissi which DD thought highly appropriate...anyway when I phoned to check how mum was she was telling me about the flowers and that she has shouted at my dad because he'd said 'you have some flowers from your daughter'. She was cross because as she said 'they might have been from your brother'. She is batshit and has lost any sense of appropriate boundaries...she had no conception that telling me that she was cross because the flowers came from me not my brother might just be considered rude.
Unfortunately she will last for years yet in spite of her continued 'ill health'. She is patently less than happy that I don't go and visit and that DD and DS1 don't put on a show of being doting grandchildren. Well its not going to happen, DD and DS1 are both adults and have no liking for their GMA. DD is way too poorly to visit and not well enough to provide a floor show for DM when she comes to visit, even assuming DM could be trusted not to be crashingly rude, something DD is far to emotionally fragile to cope with. DS1 is just too busy and is getting on with his life...hopefully this summer once he's finished his degree he'll get a job and move out from here. My DM has some fairy tale vision in her head of what her life is supposed to be like and adoring grandchildren and fawning daughter obviously feature...well its not real and its not going to happen. You reap what you sow and she has been nasty and rude to DD far too often, so no. my children do not adore or even like you. DS1 won't commit to going to her funeral and DD is way too poorly to attend, even assuming she doesn't die first. If that happens DM will have the shock of her life as she won't be told until after the funeral that DD has even died. DD is VERY clear about who she will allow at her funeral and it doesn't include anyone except DS1 and DS2 and me...there will be a lot of people who will be very unhappy....I will take great pleasure in telling them why! If they have no relationship with her alive why should they get to enjoy the drama of playing grieving relative at a funeral.
Anyway I am hoping the year improves...it will get warmer which will be good even if nothing else gets noticeably better.
Tuesday, 17 January 2017
January and the start of a new year
Well we managed to survive Christmas. To be honest it was a good Christmas by the admittedly low standards that operate in this house. We ordered all the food and got the turkey and all those trimmings on the Wednesday before Christmas and as we didn't have a lot of space in the fridge decided to cook it that day. It was an amazing turkey, definitely the best I've ever eaten. Also DP was still in work that day so we managed to eat in peace and quiet before he got home which defiantly made it all better. The rest of the holidays it was mostly eat what's in the fridge and organize any extras you want yourself...it worked for me and no one complained.
DD flared the whole Xmas period and it still coping with the aftermath now. She did get some pain meds that helped with her spine pain, weirdly the doctor prescribed them when I went in for my check up...talk about twisted. The doctor asked how things were and I mentioned in some detail, but when DD has been in and asked for pain meds she gets nothing...life is strange. Obviously she still had all the other pain but any help was good as she is in massive pain at the moment. With DD flaring and being in her room all the time we opened Xmas presents in her room away from DP which worked well and everyone seemed pleased with what they got.
DP, DS1 and DS2 went over to my parents just after Xmas for the obligatory visit when my DB turns up. DD was way too ill to be left with her brother so I got a 'get out of jail' card and stayed home with her. She came down and we watched films together and had a lovely day. Those who had to go to Malton didn't have a great day but survived...DS2 came back with the remnants of a log cabin made out of stale chocolate finger biscuits...DM had mentioned it more than once on the phone and was obviously really impressed with herself for making it. Not sure why, it wasn't really edible and didn't look that amazing. God I am a bitch and really don't like DM!
The rest of the holidays were taken up helping DS1 sort his dissertation, I know more about Punch and Judy than I ever wanted to...even now I am dreaming about the dammed essay and rewriting it in my sleep! Anyway it all got finished, just, and is handed in so good or bad its out of our hands. DS1 had hoped to make the bodies for his puppets but that was realistically never going to happen so he took all the material and other bits and pieces and the sewing machine and he will have to make them in London. He'll sort it because he has no other option really.
After Xmas DD started really finding it impossible to fight off her depression anymore. She was tired and in pain and the depression was overwhelming. It made her hard to be around and she was constantly wailing about being worthless and needing MASSIVE amounts of emotional support. Poor kid my heart bled for her but she couldn't hear anything except the depression. Anyway she fought really hard and found herself a watercolour class at Swarthmore she could do and organized adopting an adult cat. We haven't got the cat yet but she should be coming soon and will, hopefully help DD especially on days like today when she is stuck in her room.
DS2 is finally getting some help to sort all the problems he is getting because of his past. At the moment he is fighting hard against stuff leaking out from his past. The way that's worked for him in the past is to distract madly, which he is doing, but it doesn't work anymore. Plus it doesn't help him at College when he's fidgeting ALL the time to stop himself thinking. Hopefully he can also work through his gender confusion and so being so intent on hiding all the time...I wouldn't care if it made him happy but it doesn't. I can see it being a long journey but this time as we are paying he take all the time he needs.
DP is being a twat, as always, this time about the new cars they are being offered by work. He keeps talking at me which is annoying but as I don't even need to pretend I'm listening its not a massive problem for me. I realised today that one of the reason's I don't use the blog as much as I used to, or write the reams of stuff I still have in a drawer upstairs, is that he takes up so little of the space in my head. Basically he is an after thought, if a thought at all. Sad for him but makes my life easier. He doesn't really figure in DD or DS's lives either... a sad epitaph for someone who would rate himself as a perfect father.
Anyway hopefully this year will see DS1 finish his degree and get a job he likes. A girlfriend would be good as then I could leave him to his life and have one child as a finished project. I would like DD in less pain and with more energy...hopefully that will happen as she emerges from her flare. DS2 can calm down an bit and breath occasionally, that would be good. DP can die in an accident caused by some wealthy company's gross negligence so I get a large stack of cash as compensation...that would be good. Or he could just leave for whatever reason, I'd find it hard to cope without the cash but we'd manage. DM can finally die and put us all out of her misery, ain't going to happen she will outlive us all getting more miserable and depressing every day. For me I'd like to be able to go to the gym regularly, not been easy so far this year as I've been busy and DD has needed support. I'd also finally like to get below 12 stone...don't really see it happening but I'd like to see it, if only briefly!
Update: after Xmas I had a phone call from DM who didn't say any of the rude unpleasant things we'd written down so we could play 'unpleasant relative bingo'. What she did say was even stranger...DS1 has spent a lot of the day in the living room looking after DS2...my parents house is terminally dull for DS2 even when stuff is taken to keep him occupied. Anyway DS1 was being kind while DP soaked up attention in the kitchen with my parents. DB was also in the living room, I imagine keeping out of mums way. According to DS1 the conversation between them was superficial and bland...BUT my mum was obviously eaten up with jealousy that someone was speaking to her precious baby...DB...without her there to make sure the conversation was about her or at least involved her. Anyway when she phoned she told be...absolutely straight faced that she HADN'T interrogated them about what they talked about! Talk about strange!
DD flared the whole Xmas period and it still coping with the aftermath now. She did get some pain meds that helped with her spine pain, weirdly the doctor prescribed them when I went in for my check up...talk about twisted. The doctor asked how things were and I mentioned in some detail, but when DD has been in and asked for pain meds she gets nothing...life is strange. Obviously she still had all the other pain but any help was good as she is in massive pain at the moment. With DD flaring and being in her room all the time we opened Xmas presents in her room away from DP which worked well and everyone seemed pleased with what they got.
DP, DS1 and DS2 went over to my parents just after Xmas for the obligatory visit when my DB turns up. DD was way too ill to be left with her brother so I got a 'get out of jail' card and stayed home with her. She came down and we watched films together and had a lovely day. Those who had to go to Malton didn't have a great day but survived...DS2 came back with the remnants of a log cabin made out of stale chocolate finger biscuits...DM had mentioned it more than once on the phone and was obviously really impressed with herself for making it. Not sure why, it wasn't really edible and didn't look that amazing. God I am a bitch and really don't like DM!
The rest of the holidays were taken up helping DS1 sort his dissertation, I know more about Punch and Judy than I ever wanted to...even now I am dreaming about the dammed essay and rewriting it in my sleep! Anyway it all got finished, just, and is handed in so good or bad its out of our hands. DS1 had hoped to make the bodies for his puppets but that was realistically never going to happen so he took all the material and other bits and pieces and the sewing machine and he will have to make them in London. He'll sort it because he has no other option really.
After Xmas DD started really finding it impossible to fight off her depression anymore. She was tired and in pain and the depression was overwhelming. It made her hard to be around and she was constantly wailing about being worthless and needing MASSIVE amounts of emotional support. Poor kid my heart bled for her but she couldn't hear anything except the depression. Anyway she fought really hard and found herself a watercolour class at Swarthmore she could do and organized adopting an adult cat. We haven't got the cat yet but she should be coming soon and will, hopefully help DD especially on days like today when she is stuck in her room.
DS2 is finally getting some help to sort all the problems he is getting because of his past. At the moment he is fighting hard against stuff leaking out from his past. The way that's worked for him in the past is to distract madly, which he is doing, but it doesn't work anymore. Plus it doesn't help him at College when he's fidgeting ALL the time to stop himself thinking. Hopefully he can also work through his gender confusion and so being so intent on hiding all the time...I wouldn't care if it made him happy but it doesn't. I can see it being a long journey but this time as we are paying he take all the time he needs.
DP is being a twat, as always, this time about the new cars they are being offered by work. He keeps talking at me which is annoying but as I don't even need to pretend I'm listening its not a massive problem for me. I realised today that one of the reason's I don't use the blog as much as I used to, or write the reams of stuff I still have in a drawer upstairs, is that he takes up so little of the space in my head. Basically he is an after thought, if a thought at all. Sad for him but makes my life easier. He doesn't really figure in DD or DS's lives either... a sad epitaph for someone who would rate himself as a perfect father.
Anyway hopefully this year will see DS1 finish his degree and get a job he likes. A girlfriend would be good as then I could leave him to his life and have one child as a finished project. I would like DD in less pain and with more energy...hopefully that will happen as she emerges from her flare. DS2 can calm down an bit and breath occasionally, that would be good. DP can die in an accident caused by some wealthy company's gross negligence so I get a large stack of cash as compensation...that would be good. Or he could just leave for whatever reason, I'd find it hard to cope without the cash but we'd manage. DM can finally die and put us all out of her misery, ain't going to happen she will outlive us all getting more miserable and depressing every day. For me I'd like to be able to go to the gym regularly, not been easy so far this year as I've been busy and DD has needed support. I'd also finally like to get below 12 stone...don't really see it happening but I'd like to see it, if only briefly!
Update: after Xmas I had a phone call from DM who didn't say any of the rude unpleasant things we'd written down so we could play 'unpleasant relative bingo'. What she did say was even stranger...DS1 has spent a lot of the day in the living room looking after DS2...my parents house is terminally dull for DS2 even when stuff is taken to keep him occupied. Anyway DS1 was being kind while DP soaked up attention in the kitchen with my parents. DB was also in the living room, I imagine keeping out of mums way. According to DS1 the conversation between them was superficial and bland...BUT my mum was obviously eaten up with jealousy that someone was speaking to her precious baby...DB...without her there to make sure the conversation was about her or at least involved her. Anyway when she phoned she told be...absolutely straight faced that she HADN'T interrogated them about what they talked about! Talk about strange!
Sunday, 4 December 2016
Christmas is approaching
Well we are into December already. Its been a glorious autumn, lots of beautiful leaves and the weather has been, mostly, pleasant. DD has managed to get out a few times, easier now her chair is finally sorted, not massively expensive luckily, just time consuming. Unfortunately she is flaring at the moment and really not well at all. Lots of time in her room dozing which she hates.
Had my parents over for lunch last week...God how much I despise my 'D'M, she is just such an arse. She was being very passive aggressive about not seeing DD, who just stays in her room when they come. She, DD, can cope with doing limited activities but being with people is just too much for her. I could probably get DF to understand but DM is such a twat she can't comprehend anything that doesn't match her script, and her script definitely calls for adoring grandchildren. Her vision of the world is a long way from reality and non of her grandchildren would willingly spend any time with her...or indeed her children. I don't see my DB rushing to see her, or indeed to chat on the phone. He chats to DF, who actually has conversation, unlike DM. Anyway I will just have to say I'm busy any time if they want to come again before Xmas, I can't cope with them anymore. Luckily I've already agreed with DS1 that he will be going over after Xmas for the obligatory visit as DD is realistically too poorly for me to leave her for that length of time. DS1 used to stay but she needs more support now.
I have to say I'm marginally disappointed not to be at least a fly on the wall to see how DM reacts when she sees DS1, who now has a beard and a full arm of tattoos. She won't like it at all. He was also very heavy, something he is working to sort, but DM will be offensive because she always is. We have already sorted to play bingo by text with DD, DS1 and I all compiling a list of comments we think she'll make. We can then tick them off as DS1 texts with her latest offering and we can see who wins. I've also got my money on her phoning to pass on her rude comments to me on the grounds I will agree with her...in her script of how life should/will be. Personally I think the beard and tattoos both really suit DS1 and even if they didn't he is over 21 so is allowed to make his own choices. The joys of having a toxic Mum!
DS2 is going through a stressful time at the moment, he is anxious about so many things
DS1 is massively busy but seems to be enjoying life which is all that matters, fingers crossed he can get a job once his degree finishes and get on with his life...after all I need one of my children to have a 'normal' life.
DP is having loads of days off at the moment as he uses up his holidays. Its a real nuisance because having him home at weekends is bad enough without him flopping round the house and filling up the kitchen during the week as well. He really is utterly self absorbed, not a nice or pleasant person and incredibly dull when he starts pontificating...I was going to say talking but he does more than that. Its never a conversation because that implies people listening as well as talking where all he does is talk...hold forth really. He has no interest in actually listening, after all he knows more than anyone else about every topic under the sun o why would he need to waste his time listening to lesser mortals speak! As you can tell he's not my favourite person.
Xmas is pretty much all sorted. I've sorted all the Xmas presents, including what DS2 is giving to people. I've also ordered all the Xmas food I need which is good and will, hopefully, make for an easy time food wise. The actual holiday will be horrid as DP will be home filling the house with negativity and he will be getting annoyed with DS2 for no longer wanting to be his toy. DP needs more amusing than DS2 who can now keep himself amused. DP is not so good at that!
Thankfully Xmas only happens once a year and in another month it will all be over and we will be getting back to normal. My wishes for Xmas are
Had my parents over for lunch last week...God how much I despise my 'D'M, she is just such an arse. She was being very passive aggressive about not seeing DD, who just stays in her room when they come. She, DD, can cope with doing limited activities but being with people is just too much for her. I could probably get DF to understand but DM is such a twat she can't comprehend anything that doesn't match her script, and her script definitely calls for adoring grandchildren. Her vision of the world is a long way from reality and non of her grandchildren would willingly spend any time with her...or indeed her children. I don't see my DB rushing to see her, or indeed to chat on the phone. He chats to DF, who actually has conversation, unlike DM. Anyway I will just have to say I'm busy any time if they want to come again before Xmas, I can't cope with them anymore. Luckily I've already agreed with DS1 that he will be going over after Xmas for the obligatory visit as DD is realistically too poorly for me to leave her for that length of time. DS1 used to stay but she needs more support now.
I have to say I'm marginally disappointed not to be at least a fly on the wall to see how DM reacts when she sees DS1, who now has a beard and a full arm of tattoos. She won't like it at all. He was also very heavy, something he is working to sort, but DM will be offensive because she always is. We have already sorted to play bingo by text with DD, DS1 and I all compiling a list of comments we think she'll make. We can then tick them off as DS1 texts with her latest offering and we can see who wins. I've also got my money on her phoning to pass on her rude comments to me on the grounds I will agree with her...in her script of how life should/will be. Personally I think the beard and tattoos both really suit DS1 and even if they didn't he is over 21 so is allowed to make his own choices. The joys of having a toxic Mum!
DS2 is going through a stressful time at the moment, he is anxious about so many things
- becoming an adult and how he is supposed to behave and what the rules are
- who he should pick as his girlfriend, he is very popular in college and would happily 'date' all the girls...and indeed many of the boys
- is he a boy or a girl. gay or straight...we think he has fluid sexuality which takes some living with without all the issues DS2 has to contend with
- work experience and coping with how he'll be expected to behave
- he is sooo stressing about learning to drive and getting a car...realistically never going to happen but he won't hear that at all
- also because he is so stressed he is getting lots of stress leaking through from his early life which is just adding to the mix of rubbish he is trying NOT to deal with but is using ALL his distraction techniques to bury it all.
DS1 is massively busy but seems to be enjoying life which is all that matters, fingers crossed he can get a job once his degree finishes and get on with his life...after all I need one of my children to have a 'normal' life.
DP is having loads of days off at the moment as he uses up his holidays. Its a real nuisance because having him home at weekends is bad enough without him flopping round the house and filling up the kitchen during the week as well. He really is utterly self absorbed, not a nice or pleasant person and incredibly dull when he starts pontificating...I was going to say talking but he does more than that. Its never a conversation because that implies people listening as well as talking where all he does is talk...hold forth really. He has no interest in actually listening, after all he knows more than anyone else about every topic under the sun o why would he need to waste his time listening to lesser mortals speak! As you can tell he's not my favourite person.
Xmas is pretty much all sorted. I've sorted all the Xmas presents, including what DS2 is giving to people. I've also ordered all the Xmas food I need which is good and will, hopefully, make for an easy time food wise. The actual holiday will be horrid as DP will be home filling the house with negativity and he will be getting annoyed with DS2 for no longer wanting to be his toy. DP needs more amusing than DS2 who can now keep himself amused. DP is not so good at that!
Thankfully Xmas only happens once a year and in another month it will all be over and we will be getting back to normal. My wishes for Xmas are
- DD doesn't flare too badly and copes with people being home and actually gets to enjoy some of it
- DS1 gets all the work done he is needing to organise and enjoys some of it
- DS2 copes without getting too overwhelmed and stressed and manages his behaviour...he is doing really well at the moments and I am really proud of him
- DP leaves for another woman, has a tragic car accident...whatever, just so he doesn't destroy Xmas for everyone else
- DM finally dies...she has been tantalisingly close so often but just needs to actually carry it through!
Saturday, 22 October 2016
Autumn musings
DS1 has an dissertation which needs massive amounts of research doing. He struggles to read academic texts and has always had me read them and feed the information to him. It works for us as I am happy to read anything, the problem this time is finding any time to actually do any reading. DD is needing lots of support at the moment, DS2 is on half term so around needing to be kept occupied and DP is off for most of the week. Its a week made in heaven!
DD is really struggling, not helped by the fact her wheelchair is out of action at the moment as the control mechanism is bust. We are still waiting for a quote to fix it and the top price if it needs repairing is eye watering. Annoying as it died just days before the contract with Motability ended and we bought the chair, so the repair bill is ours. Such is life!
DS2 is loving being back in College but is struggling with the idea of getting more grown up and the prospect of future independence. Obviously he doesn't bother articulating any of his anxieties he just acts out his worries in obnoxious behaviour. His main problem is that he is very gay, gender fluid to the point he may even be transgender and just can't accept this. In order to feel safe he pretends to be a totally cis normal man. He is incredibly jealous of two people in College who are able to express their gender identity more openly but he just isn't brave enough to be who he is. This causes him real problem but there is realistically nothing we can do other than let him know we love him whoever he is. DD pushes too hard, I feel, to get DS2 to express himself with make up and clothes, all of which DS2 loves but DD is a bit too relentless which ends up making DS2 more scared.
The prospect of having DP home, undoubtedly bored, for half term week is not a happy one. He has taken to tracking me down and talking at me. I have no interest in his dull utterances and work hard at not listening but it doesn't discourage him. I'm not sure he pays that much attention to other people so he probably isn't aware I'm ignoring him, though I'm sure he aware of my lack of adoration. He does seem to expect the rest of the world to take him at his valuation...the world's cleverest person who's every utterance is gold. Not a total narc but on the spectrum and getting more self obsessed all the time. He hasn't spoken to DD at all for at least a year, DS2 did call him out on it, which made me snigger. DP denied it totally but still has made no effort to actually speak to DD...though he did suggest the reason he ignores DD is because she ignores him. What a prat!!
DS1 is being totally awesome in London, he has found himself a D&D group which he is enjoying...it may not sound like much but DS1 pushing to get contact details for people he doesn't know and then setting off to somewhere new to meet up with new people to take part in a new activity...its so far out of his comfort zone its unreal. But his comfort zone has shrunk and he is now doing all kinds of stuff he would never have considered only months ago. My baby is all grown up and I'm so proud! He is without his friend from school, who had been working in London so they got to meet up to go to the cinema together most weeks. His friend is back in Leeds for now but DS is still going to the cinema and I imagine will end up picking up other friends from rugby of D&D to go with if he's bothered.
I am still going to the gym 3 times a week and really enjoying it, an odd concept but true. I'm seeing no change at all in my weight which is resolutely refusing to get below 12stone. Every time I get close I go off track and put on weight, so the block is mental as much as anything. But its also my body, this week I should have dropped below but even though I've eaten normally and been to the gym I have put on a few pounds. Its annoying but not a major issue and certainly not enough for me to give up how I eat now. I've been doing it for nearly 18months and it feels normal now, which is great. Even if I never get below 12stone I can live with it, I feel happier about how I look in clothes and feel healthier which is all good. I'm now buying clothes in brighter colours which is about time, I've spent most of my life hiding in dark clothes.
The fact I barely see DM is a part of why all this is working for me, she is such a negative person she invariably works to make me feel bad about myself. She and DF came over for lunch a week or so ago. They gave me a cheque for a decent amount, enough to give DD and DS1 a bit of mad money and get the last section of roof sorted, which was nice. She did start her rubbish about people recovering from ME and all the other stupid stuff she spouts. I told her how stupid she was and basically every time she said something stupid or nasty I shut her down. Should have done it years and years ago, but it took the break from her, and plenty of MN reading, to see how toxic she can be and how bad for me.
Also seeing less of my 'friend' J. She has been busy with her drug addict boyfriend over the summer and as DS2 has been totally banned from being with her son...who was feeding DS2 all sorts of rubbish about sex which were making him extremely anxious...its not been as easy to keep in touch. When I do see her she tells me all her news, worries etc and that's it. I can't tell her anything as she has no boundaries and is a bit like an emotional vampire feeding on other peoples lives. That sounds as though she's a nasty person which she isn't but certainly not someone I'd confide in. Anyway I'm not sure she wants to hear about my life...talking about her life and her boyfriend is far more important. I also am getting to kind of despise her...she spends unfeasible amounts of money on her boyfriend...she is married and the boyfriend relationship is not sexual (not by choice, J would love to be rutting like a bunny!) but he is her emotional all. That would be fine if she had the money spare but she doesn't and is spending money, and indeed time and emotional energy, on him that she doesn't spend on her sons which I think is appalling. Especially as her youngest is adopted and has behaviours issues...control and manipulation mostly because she has never put the time into working on his problems. He has been in trouble with the Police for sexting a 14 year old girl, who is patently vulnerable, and she does nothing to sort the situation. She talks about he son as the victim...he is 3 years older than the girl!, and is just assuming that he won't do it again. I have done all I can by banning all contact between him and DS2. The boy has shown disturbed behaviour for a lot of years but I let them see each other under supervision, but even that's got to stop now. Mostly because I just don't trust J to actually supervise and take her sons behaviour seriously.
DD is really struggling, not helped by the fact her wheelchair is out of action at the moment as the control mechanism is bust. We are still waiting for a quote to fix it and the top price if it needs repairing is eye watering. Annoying as it died just days before the contract with Motability ended and we bought the chair, so the repair bill is ours. Such is life!
DS2 is loving being back in College but is struggling with the idea of getting more grown up and the prospect of future independence. Obviously he doesn't bother articulating any of his anxieties he just acts out his worries in obnoxious behaviour. His main problem is that he is very gay, gender fluid to the point he may even be transgender and just can't accept this. In order to feel safe he pretends to be a totally cis normal man. He is incredibly jealous of two people in College who are able to express their gender identity more openly but he just isn't brave enough to be who he is. This causes him real problem but there is realistically nothing we can do other than let him know we love him whoever he is. DD pushes too hard, I feel, to get DS2 to express himself with make up and clothes, all of which DS2 loves but DD is a bit too relentless which ends up making DS2 more scared.
The prospect of having DP home, undoubtedly bored, for half term week is not a happy one. He has taken to tracking me down and talking at me. I have no interest in his dull utterances and work hard at not listening but it doesn't discourage him. I'm not sure he pays that much attention to other people so he probably isn't aware I'm ignoring him, though I'm sure he aware of my lack of adoration. He does seem to expect the rest of the world to take him at his valuation...the world's cleverest person who's every utterance is gold. Not a total narc but on the spectrum and getting more self obsessed all the time. He hasn't spoken to DD at all for at least a year, DS2 did call him out on it, which made me snigger. DP denied it totally but still has made no effort to actually speak to DD...though he did suggest the reason he ignores DD is because she ignores him. What a prat!!
DS1 is being totally awesome in London, he has found himself a D&D group which he is enjoying...it may not sound like much but DS1 pushing to get contact details for people he doesn't know and then setting off to somewhere new to meet up with new people to take part in a new activity...its so far out of his comfort zone its unreal. But his comfort zone has shrunk and he is now doing all kinds of stuff he would never have considered only months ago. My baby is all grown up and I'm so proud! He is without his friend from school, who had been working in London so they got to meet up to go to the cinema together most weeks. His friend is back in Leeds for now but DS is still going to the cinema and I imagine will end up picking up other friends from rugby of D&D to go with if he's bothered.
I am still going to the gym 3 times a week and really enjoying it, an odd concept but true. I'm seeing no change at all in my weight which is resolutely refusing to get below 12stone. Every time I get close I go off track and put on weight, so the block is mental as much as anything. But its also my body, this week I should have dropped below but even though I've eaten normally and been to the gym I have put on a few pounds. Its annoying but not a major issue and certainly not enough for me to give up how I eat now. I've been doing it for nearly 18months and it feels normal now, which is great. Even if I never get below 12stone I can live with it, I feel happier about how I look in clothes and feel healthier which is all good. I'm now buying clothes in brighter colours which is about time, I've spent most of my life hiding in dark clothes.
The fact I barely see DM is a part of why all this is working for me, she is such a negative person she invariably works to make me feel bad about myself. She and DF came over for lunch a week or so ago. They gave me a cheque for a decent amount, enough to give DD and DS1 a bit of mad money and get the last section of roof sorted, which was nice. She did start her rubbish about people recovering from ME and all the other stupid stuff she spouts. I told her how stupid she was and basically every time she said something stupid or nasty I shut her down. Should have done it years and years ago, but it took the break from her, and plenty of MN reading, to see how toxic she can be and how bad for me.
Also seeing less of my 'friend' J. She has been busy with her drug addict boyfriend over the summer and as DS2 has been totally banned from being with her son...who was feeding DS2 all sorts of rubbish about sex which were making him extremely anxious...its not been as easy to keep in touch. When I do see her she tells me all her news, worries etc and that's it. I can't tell her anything as she has no boundaries and is a bit like an emotional vampire feeding on other peoples lives. That sounds as though she's a nasty person which she isn't but certainly not someone I'd confide in. Anyway I'm not sure she wants to hear about my life...talking about her life and her boyfriend is far more important. I also am getting to kind of despise her...she spends unfeasible amounts of money on her boyfriend...she is married and the boyfriend relationship is not sexual (not by choice, J would love to be rutting like a bunny!) but he is her emotional all. That would be fine if she had the money spare but she doesn't and is spending money, and indeed time and emotional energy, on him that she doesn't spend on her sons which I think is appalling. Especially as her youngest is adopted and has behaviours issues...control and manipulation mostly because she has never put the time into working on his problems. He has been in trouble with the Police for sexting a 14 year old girl, who is patently vulnerable, and she does nothing to sort the situation. She talks about he son as the victim...he is 3 years older than the girl!, and is just assuming that he won't do it again. I have done all I can by banning all contact between him and DS2. The boy has shown disturbed behaviour for a lot of years but I let them see each other under supervision, but even that's got to stop now. Mostly because I just don't trust J to actually supervise and take her sons behaviour seriously.
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