We are still having a good summer, though massively busy. DS1 is trying to sort everything he needs for his 3rd year...accommodation, endless trials for what works for his project and he was hoping for a first draft of his dissertation.
DS2 is having a lot of behaviour/emotional problems which is hard work for the rest of us. Its a combination of the continuing fall out from the problems with the Police and the disruption in his routine because of the holidays. Also he is feeling very secure as DS1 is home so DS2 can actually let some of his defences down and let his worries escape. Though DS1 will be going back to London soon which is worrying DS2 causing more problems...as you can see he has a lot to contend with and is acting out all his worries as he doesn't have the ability to articulate them on his own. He is making some gorgeous cards though, when he can be bullies/bribed into making them, which does make him feel good about himself.
DD is still doing masses, going out for drives round Leeds Pokémon hunting and going out to the park and stuff. Its making her very tired but she's having fun so its worth it. We are hoping to go to the coast next week which will be fun. She will come back exhausted and ill but who knows, maybe she'll cope ok and she'll enjoy it so who cares.
I went over to Malton to see my parents a couple of days ago with DP and DS2, DS1 was in London and DD doesn't see my parents ever. The visit could have been worse, my DB was there so I chatted to him which was superficial but ok. We ate out which was certainly easier than DMs food which is hard work as you have to help prepare then over praise the food and the clear up and wash up and then work to escape. This time we arrived, late according to DM, went straight to the restaurant, ate and then left for home from the restaurant. The food was good, which DMs isn't, and the conversation was copable with.
DM did phone me later to complain my top wasn't well enough ironed...she is loosing all sense of what is appropriate. She is a miserable old woman for sure and struggles to say anything nice about anything. But it may well be my last visit to see them as DD really struggled being left alone even though it really wasn't a long visit...no worries for me I am more than happy to delegate the Xmas visit to DS1 instead!
Only a couple more weeks until DS1 goes back to Uni and then DS2 will be back in college in the middle of September which will please him. I do still enjoy summer holidays but I have to say I am looking forward to life getting back to normal as is everyone else. Unfortunately DP is off the last week of August/ first week in September which will put a damper on the end of the holidays but such is life, hopefully he will go off and visit people like his step Mum who he's not visited even once since his Dad died which I think is appallingly rude, especially given how lovely she is.
Sunday, 14 August 2016
Saturday, 23 July 2016
A really good week
Well DP has been off in Australia for work this week and its been wonderful. The weather has been hot and sunny, too hot really but we've coped.
The most amazing part of the week is how well DD has been, she has been out virtually every day, usually in the evening to a local park but I can't remember how long its been since she was out so often. Her energy levels have been amazing! She reckons its partly the heat which is helping with joint and muscle pain, but also the fact that DP is away makes the tension levels in the house sooo much less which is a massive help. Just shows how toxic his presence is!
Pokémon Go came out this week as well which is another major factor in DDs miraculous achievements. She and DS1 were big Pokémon fans in primary School and DD in particular spent many, many hours playing with friends. So having the new game is like having a gateway into their childhood and is proving to be huge amounts of fun for them both.
We had a picnic tea one evening which was fun, even though DS2 was grumpy at the thought of going out. It was the hottest evening of the week but pleasant to be out. We also went over to Eden Camp Museum on Thursday so DS1 could take some photos of some puppets my Dad had given the Museum. The puppets are a big part of why DS1 is making Punch and Judy puppets for his year 3 project in Uni so he needed to see the display. DS2 was still in College, his last day which made it easier for us. We then went to Lavender World to have lunch and enjoy the views. All in all a lovely day...the cool breeze was an additional bonus.
On Friday we all went into town as we had some jobs to do. We ended up having lunch in town as DD needed a rest, she found the movement and noise and general visual overload just too much. Luckily the restaurant was near a pokestop and DD and DS1 managed to catch some good Pokémon which pleased them both.
DS1 worked through some more of his massive list of jobs he needs to get sorted for his year 3 project over the summer. We also went to the gym a couple of times...I have come to the unhappy conclusion that I need to get a basic level of fitness if I want to avoid my mums problems in old age. I am finding the gym less horrendous than I imagined so it shouldn't be a total pain. Going on a morning will also help keep DS2 occupied over the summer. Without College he will be struggling to keep himself occupied...he has a tendency to flop and whinge whatever activities he is offered.
But this week has been as close to perfect as we could have hoped...I hope the rest of the summer matches it!
The most amazing part of the week is how well DD has been, she has been out virtually every day, usually in the evening to a local park but I can't remember how long its been since she was out so often. Her energy levels have been amazing! She reckons its partly the heat which is helping with joint and muscle pain, but also the fact that DP is away makes the tension levels in the house sooo much less which is a massive help. Just shows how toxic his presence is!
Pokémon Go came out this week as well which is another major factor in DDs miraculous achievements. She and DS1 were big Pokémon fans in primary School and DD in particular spent many, many hours playing with friends. So having the new game is like having a gateway into their childhood and is proving to be huge amounts of fun for them both.
We had a picnic tea one evening which was fun, even though DS2 was grumpy at the thought of going out. It was the hottest evening of the week but pleasant to be out. We also went over to Eden Camp Museum on Thursday so DS1 could take some photos of some puppets my Dad had given the Museum. The puppets are a big part of why DS1 is making Punch and Judy puppets for his year 3 project in Uni so he needed to see the display. DS2 was still in College, his last day which made it easier for us. We then went to Lavender World to have lunch and enjoy the views. All in all a lovely day...the cool breeze was an additional bonus.
On Friday we all went into town as we had some jobs to do. We ended up having lunch in town as DD needed a rest, she found the movement and noise and general visual overload just too much. Luckily the restaurant was near a pokestop and DD and DS1 managed to catch some good Pokémon which pleased them both.
DS1 worked through some more of his massive list of jobs he needs to get sorted for his year 3 project over the summer. We also went to the gym a couple of times...I have come to the unhappy conclusion that I need to get a basic level of fitness if I want to avoid my mums problems in old age. I am finding the gym less horrendous than I imagined so it shouldn't be a total pain. Going on a morning will also help keep DS2 occupied over the summer. Without College he will be struggling to keep himself occupied...he has a tendency to flop and whinge whatever activities he is offered.
But this week has been as close to perfect as we could have hoped...I hope the rest of the summer matches it!
Monday, 4 July 2016
The summer is going okay ...so far!
Well the referendum happened and my reputation as a political guru is unmatched...I got it 100% wrong again. The country as a whole voted quite decidedly to leave the EU with only London and Scotland voting to stay, so we get to leave. The Labour party seems to be hell bent on destroying itself with most of the front bench MPs resigning and more than 75% voting against Corbyn in a vote of no confidence. He is still grimly hanging on...what a surprise, so we will see what excitement the next few weeks bring. Cameron resigned as of October as Prime Minister so the Conservatives are looking for a new leader...non of the front runners would appal me which makes a change!
Other than that DS1 has come home for the summer and unlike previous years he is actually framing and sorting all the stuff he needs to do. Its been easier for him to work as DP has been working away quite a bit so he's able to put his stuff on the table in the kitchen to work on it and just leave it there rather than having to spend all his time tidying everything away so DP doesn't mess with his stuff or offer 'helpful' advise about what he 'needs to do'.
We have managed to get through an impressive list of jobs this year from sorting DDs stairlift and getting her triple glazing fitted to replacing the boys bathroom and sorting the last bits of the roof at the back. Some of the jobs have been on our 'one day' list for ages and its really good to see them being sorted. We now have a new list of stuff that needs doing, naturally-
DS2 is mostly sorted having been moved over to Adult Social Services and the money is starting to come through. The whole thing is a total scam as DS2's money comes from Housing Benefit, he is classed as a lodger though he a patently not. He is also paid Income Support as a disabled person, which he isn't really, and this money is then paid to me to support him. Fostering was simpler and more honest but at least all the paperwork is done and DS2 is now, with his new name, settled here for as long as he needs.
However the best bit of the summer is DP being away so much! Its made everything so much easier. He is off to Australia for just over a week soon and we are all looking forward to that enormously. Unfortunately once that's over he's home pretty much the rest of the year but at least he doesn't have any holiday booked, well not more than an odd day or two so I'm sure we'll cope. He is just so dull and boring to have around as he has absolutely nothing to do and no interests so just flops and heaves and sighs. Its pathetic it really is.
Unfortunately DD is still deteriorating quite sharply and is almost totally house bound now. We may have some days out over the summer but are unlikely to manage many. Its a real shame as DD still wants to do so much but her illness places severe limitations on what is possible. Still we manage what we can and enjoy what we do.
My DM is steadily getting increasingly ill, still smoking, but still shows no signs of dying yet. But hope springs eternal. DM is delusional, she was informing me of a family party in September and letting me know I would come but DD wouldn't....having a severely ill granddaughter is an embarrassment for DM I guess. The best though was when I mentioned DS1 wouldn't be able to come as he would be back in London by then...my DMs response...'we'll see!' as though she can dictate what DS1 does...the woman is batshit.
But anyway the rest of us are looking forward to a fun summer, hopefully saving lots of cash to work through list 2 of 'one day' jobs! As well as doing fun stuff and eating well!!
Other than that DS1 has come home for the summer and unlike previous years he is actually framing and sorting all the stuff he needs to do. Its been easier for him to work as DP has been working away quite a bit so he's able to put his stuff on the table in the kitchen to work on it and just leave it there rather than having to spend all his time tidying everything away so DP doesn't mess with his stuff or offer 'helpful' advise about what he 'needs to do'.
We have managed to get through an impressive list of jobs this year from sorting DDs stairlift and getting her triple glazing fitted to replacing the boys bathroom and sorting the last bits of the roof at the back. Some of the jobs have been on our 'one day' list for ages and its really good to see them being sorted. We now have a new list of stuff that needs doing, naturally-
- get the front of the roof sorted and pvc put over the front of the loft extension
- replace the computer
- buy DDs wheelchair when her contract runs out
- sort a new car via Motability for me
- sort the deposit and first months rent for DS1 in London...he's moving into a shared house with friends - assuming they ever get their act together to sort it
- replace the cupboard doors in the kitchen
- replace the windows in the attic...DS2 has broken the locks with a pair of scissors so badly the whole windows will need replacing.
DS2 is mostly sorted having been moved over to Adult Social Services and the money is starting to come through. The whole thing is a total scam as DS2's money comes from Housing Benefit, he is classed as a lodger though he a patently not. He is also paid Income Support as a disabled person, which he isn't really, and this money is then paid to me to support him. Fostering was simpler and more honest but at least all the paperwork is done and DS2 is now, with his new name, settled here for as long as he needs.
However the best bit of the summer is DP being away so much! Its made everything so much easier. He is off to Australia for just over a week soon and we are all looking forward to that enormously. Unfortunately once that's over he's home pretty much the rest of the year but at least he doesn't have any holiday booked, well not more than an odd day or two so I'm sure we'll cope. He is just so dull and boring to have around as he has absolutely nothing to do and no interests so just flops and heaves and sighs. Its pathetic it really is.
Unfortunately DD is still deteriorating quite sharply and is almost totally house bound now. We may have some days out over the summer but are unlikely to manage many. Its a real shame as DD still wants to do so much but her illness places severe limitations on what is possible. Still we manage what we can and enjoy what we do.
My DM is steadily getting increasingly ill, still smoking, but still shows no signs of dying yet. But hope springs eternal. DM is delusional, she was informing me of a family party in September and letting me know I would come but DD wouldn't....having a severely ill granddaughter is an embarrassment for DM I guess. The best though was when I mentioned DS1 wouldn't be able to come as he would be back in London by then...my DMs response...'we'll see!' as though she can dictate what DS1 does...the woman is batshit.
But anyway the rest of us are looking forward to a fun summer, hopefully saving lots of cash to work through list 2 of 'one day' jobs! As well as doing fun stuff and eating well!!
Friday, 10 June 2016
I'd like to live in a Nevil Shute novel
I am increasingly finding my life not so much hard but very unsatisfying. I have a DP who is absolutely no support at all, he never acknowledges the stuff I do or is even particularly polite to me. To be totally fair I pretty much ignore him but that's my way of keeping my sanity and protecting me again all his petty nastiness.
My parents are of no use even just to chat to. Neither of them hears me if I say anything about myself. They only listen to stuff about themselves of whatever boring topic of conversation they have decided is happening. Its a real shame as I could really do with some safe space to vent occasionally.
My DB2 is a totally out of the picture. I decided this year that I wouldn't initiate any contact with him, I would only respond to his communication and at the level he dictated. Well I have had 1 text saying a birthday card for DS2 would be late and 1 email responding to mine when I let him know the card had arrived. So he is obviously really keen to stay in touch. To be honest he's not much of a loss to me I've never had a great relationship with him, he is 8 years younger and was away at school and I left home when he was still quite young. That makes it sound as though I never made any effort to be a good sister...I did loads for years to keep in touch and have a relationship with him. I kept working at the relationship for years after it was apparent he wasn't that bothered...after all I am the 'big sister' and he is my 'baby brother'. I gave up when he told me he didn't want to hear about DD because it was depressing. Still makes me cross and it must be at leas t2 years since he said it...I told him at the time how hurt I was but it made no difference.
That's just the family stuff. In the wider world there is a referendum about whether or not we stay in Europe, the result may be tight but its pretty much guaranteed that 'stay' will 'win', however much the results need to be amended! The Government and those who want to be in Government all seem to want us to stay and so spout endless horror stories about the Armageddon that will be unleashed if we have the temerity to vote to leave the EU. Its all very depressing as Europe is dying under a never ending flood of economic migrants who have no desire to work or conform to Western ideas of how to interact with women or children, a sickening number of sexual attacks and such like. As well as lots of crime. Its all so horrible and with all the stuff that's going on in my life I'd just like one area of my life, or indeed life in general, to be decent and honest.
So I want to live in a Nevil Shute novel where people are decent and do their jobs and basically act like grown ups. Where no one scams the benefits system and Social Services don't want to produce uncounted reams of paperwork but not be bothered to sort the basics like paying me! A world where people have a moral code and live by it. I just want a world where people take responsibility for them selves and 'celebrities' aren't looked on as icons and people value something other than money and material goods. Okay it was a fantasy in the 1950's but its a good fantasy and I am sick of the world being so 'me, me, me'.
In a recent atrocity a Muslim gunman killed 49 people and injured 43 others at a Drag Bar. He was apparently a closet gay and presumably decided to sort out his conflicted feeling by killing as many people as possible, in the name of Islam or course! It just sickens me that this kind of evil can exist in a world where there is music so beautiful it makes tears come to my eyes. There is so much to love so why do people need to hate so deeply they have to kill. It sickens me it really does. As does the self serving rubbish any number of commentators spout as they try to 'claim' the shooting for their particular hobby horse.
My other favourite fantasy as I'm going to sleep is Yellowstone Park erupting in a massive explosion that causes massive problems worldwide. This then leads to an enormous pandemic which wipes out large swathes of the population of the world...ok I'm officially a sick and twisted individual but the world is killing itself. How can we have one of the world's fastest growing economies (India) killing women because their dowries aren't large enough to compensate for them being dark!!! Or rape being so incredibly widely acceptable across the country. A world where some mass murdering nut job thinks it okay to go into a gay bar and shoot people! The gun man appears to have potential links to Islam, that's even more sick Islam was never meant to be a religion of hate.
My parents are of no use even just to chat to. Neither of them hears me if I say anything about myself. They only listen to stuff about themselves of whatever boring topic of conversation they have decided is happening. Its a real shame as I could really do with some safe space to vent occasionally.
My DB2 is a totally out of the picture. I decided this year that I wouldn't initiate any contact with him, I would only respond to his communication and at the level he dictated. Well I have had 1 text saying a birthday card for DS2 would be late and 1 email responding to mine when I let him know the card had arrived. So he is obviously really keen to stay in touch. To be honest he's not much of a loss to me I've never had a great relationship with him, he is 8 years younger and was away at school and I left home when he was still quite young. That makes it sound as though I never made any effort to be a good sister...I did loads for years to keep in touch and have a relationship with him. I kept working at the relationship for years after it was apparent he wasn't that bothered...after all I am the 'big sister' and he is my 'baby brother'. I gave up when he told me he didn't want to hear about DD because it was depressing. Still makes me cross and it must be at leas t2 years since he said it...I told him at the time how hurt I was but it made no difference.
That's just the family stuff. In the wider world there is a referendum about whether or not we stay in Europe, the result may be tight but its pretty much guaranteed that 'stay' will 'win', however much the results need to be amended! The Government and those who want to be in Government all seem to want us to stay and so spout endless horror stories about the Armageddon that will be unleashed if we have the temerity to vote to leave the EU. Its all very depressing as Europe is dying under a never ending flood of economic migrants who have no desire to work or conform to Western ideas of how to interact with women or children, a sickening number of sexual attacks and such like. As well as lots of crime. Its all so horrible and with all the stuff that's going on in my life I'd just like one area of my life, or indeed life in general, to be decent and honest.
So I want to live in a Nevil Shute novel where people are decent and do their jobs and basically act like grown ups. Where no one scams the benefits system and Social Services don't want to produce uncounted reams of paperwork but not be bothered to sort the basics like paying me! A world where people have a moral code and live by it. I just want a world where people take responsibility for them selves and 'celebrities' aren't looked on as icons and people value something other than money and material goods. Okay it was a fantasy in the 1950's but its a good fantasy and I am sick of the world being so 'me, me, me'.
In a recent atrocity a Muslim gunman killed 49 people and injured 43 others at a Drag Bar. He was apparently a closet gay and presumably decided to sort out his conflicted feeling by killing as many people as possible, in the name of Islam or course! It just sickens me that this kind of evil can exist in a world where there is music so beautiful it makes tears come to my eyes. There is so much to love so why do people need to hate so deeply they have to kill. It sickens me it really does. As does the self serving rubbish any number of commentators spout as they try to 'claim' the shooting for their particular hobby horse.
My other favourite fantasy as I'm going to sleep is Yellowstone Park erupting in a massive explosion that causes massive problems worldwide. This then leads to an enormous pandemic which wipes out large swathes of the population of the world...ok I'm officially a sick and twisted individual but the world is killing itself. How can we have one of the world's fastest growing economies (India) killing women because their dowries aren't large enough to compensate for them being dark!!! Or rape being so incredibly widely acceptable across the country. A world where some mass murdering nut job thinks it okay to go into a gay bar and shoot people! The gun man appears to have potential links to Islam, that's even more sick Islam was never meant to be a religion of hate.
Wednesday, 25 May 2016
My mum was never a great mum
There have been a number of threads on Mumsnet recently about toxic parents and how to cope with them. Also a fascinating site analysing the dysfunctional thinking, and behaviour, of some toxic parents whose adult children have gone NC.
Its made me think again about my mum who is no where near as bad as some of the examples but was never great. To illustrate my point a random list of incidents I remember from my childhood.
I put up with loads for years...after all she was sad after my brother died, she was poorly and needed support and so on there were always reasons why she had to be the centre of, not attention as such, more 'need' ...her feelings were important and everyone else's not so much.
My dad is a total enabler and still thinks she is amazing and was incredibly happy when the hospital managed to keep her alive last year...I was not so chuffed!
I am now very low contact and tell her nothing of any importance, I have more meaningful conversations at the check outs in Asda's! My DD and DS1 are both NC, not officially but they are neither of them prepared to see her. They still keep up a basic pretence of happy families in that they accept birthday and Christmas presents and write 'thank you' letters. But my DD is just too poorly to cope with the drive over to see them even if she wanted to and the last time they came here and saw her my mum sat in the living room and expected my DD to entertain HER...god she is such an entitled bitch! So anytime they come over DD is in her room. DS1 chooses to stay at home and look after his sister anytime the rest of us go over to my parents house. Mostly its because he is really angry with how rude mum has been over DD's illness but its also because he finds going to see his GPs intensely boring...which it is!
I realise that this account is utterly one sided and the incidents listed are all a bit silly but its hard to find the words to say what is wrong with the relationship when I've not any other experiences of being mothered to compare it too. All I know is that she is a miserable, whingey bitch who never seems to have a good word for anyone. She will find the worm in every apple, even apples someone else is eating! I am certainly making the right decision to keep her way from DD and to keep contact as low as possible. Its a real shame as I could really do with someone to vent to when DD is really poorly but I don't have that mum, any conversation has to be about her or what she wants to talk about. So be it, she looses out as she doesn't get to know her grandchildren who are all utterly awesome and perfect, and no I'm not biased they are perfect!
Obviously if the relationship was discussed from my mums point of view it would be very different but I'm not interested in her version of my childhood. She certainly isn't interested in mine, or in me come to that.
Another thought I have been reading a lot about narcissistic parents and one theme that really resonated with me was the idea of not wanting to take up too much room. I totally do the trying to retreat into the background and become invisible. I also struggle to accept any praise, or really even thanks, as I find any attention paid to me incredibly difficult to cope with. I am used to my mum sucking up all the attention so I was always ignored. Its weird that I'm only just realising some of this and I'm over 50! In some ways its because I see her so rarely now I have enough space in my head to let the thoughts slowly seep out. Such a shame that its taken me all these years to recognise how much my mum's toxicity affected me and how it impacted on my choice of partner and why I was so passive in the face of low grade emotional abuse for so long. I was trained to ignore my needs and emotions and only view other peoples emotions as having any validity.
Having said that having a very firm grip on my emotions and being able to switch them off at will is proving immensely useful with coping with the demands DD places on me as her illness continues to deteriorate.
Its made me think again about my mum who is no where near as bad as some of the examples but was never great. To illustrate my point a random list of incidents I remember from my childhood.
- When I was about 5 I had terrible ear ache and ended up having an operation to sort out the problem . I remember taking myself off to bed one afternoon because the pain was so intense. My mum remembers this as me 'making a fuss'...she recalled the time recently when I had an ear infection that resulted in my ear drum perforating.
- My mum told me when I was younger that 'no one would ever call you pretty'. She now insists she didn't mean it 'that way', there is really only one way to mean a comment like that and she was being nasty and unkind, I was there and I remember clearly.
- I had 'flu when I was about 12, maybe 13, and was in bed for 3 days. I don't remember anyone coming up to check me at all or see if I needed anything. I may be editing my memories but I don't think so and it does fit with mums behaviour.
- When I was about 10 a man attempted to seriously molest me. I was lucky enough to escape because some people heard me screaming and came to help which meant the man ran away. I then walked home, with my little brother in his pushchair. When I told my mum about the incident she laughed. The people who'd come to help followed me home, I was way too scared to speak to them even typing this now over 40 years later and I can taste how terrified I was. They told my mum about the incident and instantly mum was very upset and phoned the police, but it had only been me telling her nothing would have been done. I also don't ever remember mum talking about the incident or asking how I was coping.
- Throughout my entire childhood my mum made it abundantly clear that I was horrendously fat, looking at photos I was a slim child and actually quite pretty, though I really did need a brace for my teeth! When I was 14 I decided to loose weight as I was obviously so hideously obese I needed to hide away...well I was as far as my mum was concerned. I weighed 10st 7lbs which wasn't massively overweight, even in the '70's! But I did have a curvy figure which my mum can't have liked. I had to deal with a lot of sexist comments that I really didn't like and I struggled to cope with. Anyway I ate a scarily bad diet for a few months and lost 2 st...how I avoided anorexia I will never know. As a parent of a daughter I am staggered that my mum was happy for me to eat the way I did. I don't recall any comments from her about my weight loss, maybe she didn't notice! Anyway I inevitably put all the weight back on again really quickly plus and extra 2st. In many ways I was almost happier to have the extra weight as it made me pretty near invisible, and made my mum unhappy!! Though I did spend the next 30 years dieting on and off.
I put up with loads for years...after all she was sad after my brother died, she was poorly and needed support and so on there were always reasons why she had to be the centre of, not attention as such, more 'need' ...her feelings were important and everyone else's not so much.
My dad is a total enabler and still thinks she is amazing and was incredibly happy when the hospital managed to keep her alive last year...I was not so chuffed!
I am now very low contact and tell her nothing of any importance, I have more meaningful conversations at the check outs in Asda's! My DD and DS1 are both NC, not officially but they are neither of them prepared to see her. They still keep up a basic pretence of happy families in that they accept birthday and Christmas presents and write 'thank you' letters. But my DD is just too poorly to cope with the drive over to see them even if she wanted to and the last time they came here and saw her my mum sat in the living room and expected my DD to entertain HER...god she is such an entitled bitch! So anytime they come over DD is in her room. DS1 chooses to stay at home and look after his sister anytime the rest of us go over to my parents house. Mostly its because he is really angry with how rude mum has been over DD's illness but its also because he finds going to see his GPs intensely boring...which it is!
I realise that this account is utterly one sided and the incidents listed are all a bit silly but its hard to find the words to say what is wrong with the relationship when I've not any other experiences of being mothered to compare it too. All I know is that she is a miserable, whingey bitch who never seems to have a good word for anyone. She will find the worm in every apple, even apples someone else is eating! I am certainly making the right decision to keep her way from DD and to keep contact as low as possible. Its a real shame as I could really do with someone to vent to when DD is really poorly but I don't have that mum, any conversation has to be about her or what she wants to talk about. So be it, she looses out as she doesn't get to know her grandchildren who are all utterly awesome and perfect, and no I'm not biased they are perfect!
Obviously if the relationship was discussed from my mums point of view it would be very different but I'm not interested in her version of my childhood. She certainly isn't interested in mine, or in me come to that.
Another thought I have been reading a lot about narcissistic parents and one theme that really resonated with me was the idea of not wanting to take up too much room. I totally do the trying to retreat into the background and become invisible. I also struggle to accept any praise, or really even thanks, as I find any attention paid to me incredibly difficult to cope with. I am used to my mum sucking up all the attention so I was always ignored. Its weird that I'm only just realising some of this and I'm over 50! In some ways its because I see her so rarely now I have enough space in my head to let the thoughts slowly seep out. Such a shame that its taken me all these years to recognise how much my mum's toxicity affected me and how it impacted on my choice of partner and why I was so passive in the face of low grade emotional abuse for so long. I was trained to ignore my needs and emotions and only view other peoples emotions as having any validity.
Having said that having a very firm grip on my emotions and being able to switch them off at will is proving immensely useful with coping with the demands DD places on me as her illness continues to deteriorate.
Monday, 16 May 2016
DS2 is nearly a grown-up...in theory anyway!
DS2 will be 18 at the end of the month. He is convinced that this will make him a grown up and that he will be able to do exactly what he wants and I won't be able to tell him what to do any more! He is sooo delusional. He may be 18 on the outside but he is maybe 8 on the inside if I am being generous.
For his 18th I sorted him changing his name so he now has a new middle name and his surname is now the same as me, DD and DS1. His original name was exactly the same as his first dad and for very valid reasons that never pleased him. His first comment when he got his new name finalised was 'now social services can't ever take me away'. I was really upset that he has obviously had a buried worry all these years that I've never noticed, poor little soul, I felt like the worlds nastiest mum! He will be pleased once things like his bank card get his new name on and his bus pass. I have sent out a pile of letters notifying people his name has changed so hopefully it will be changed soon.
I have also got DS2 a pile of Lego for his birthday, at his request. DS1 has sorted coming up from London for the day...its a nuisance for him but had to be done. As far as DS2 is concerned DS1 being there will over shadow everything else and totally make his day. We are keeping it a secret, not totally sure that's a good idea but DD and DS1 both want to surprise DS2 so I'm keeping my lips closed.
DD and DS1 have got DS2 some new trainers and a couple of shirts for his birthday which he will love...he is a completely vain and adores admiring how gorgeous he looks so loves new clothes. My mum tried to give DS2 a cheap second hand phone...my dads old phone which he lost and then found again after he'd replaced it...strangely enough DS2 refused the phone, he has an iPhone! So heaven only knows what my parents will give, for DS1's 21st they gave him £20 so they are not noted for their generosity...though to be fair they did give DS1 a lovely watch for his 18th and gave DD a pretty necklace for her 21st.
DP will presumably give absolutely nothing, just as he did for DS1 and DD's 18th, 21st and indeed every other birthday and Christmas! He doesn't even do cards...what a twat he is! He doesn't even bother asking what I give! Yet he still thinks of himself as the worlds most amazing parent, I would imagine if he was asked he would consider himself to be DS2's most important parent...important is the wrong word, though definitely DP's favourite way of thinking about himself. I imagine even he is not deluded enough to think he even has a relationship with DD. He won't have spoken to her in months, that's not having a conversation talking, that's saying 'good morning' talking. He won't have spoken a single word to her in months and hasn't had a conversation with her in years. He probably deludes himself into thinking he still has a relationship with DS1 as he still gets to collect him from Uni and drop him off after holidays...its only twice a year, collecting DS1 in June when he has to vacate his room and then taking him, and all his gear back in September. Still that's enough for DP, DS1 hates having to be in a car with DP but my car is really not big enough and DD is now so poorly I just can't leave her for a long day to drive down to London and back otherwise it would definitely be me collecting DS1.
For his 18th I sorted him changing his name so he now has a new middle name and his surname is now the same as me, DD and DS1. His original name was exactly the same as his first dad and for very valid reasons that never pleased him. His first comment when he got his new name finalised was 'now social services can't ever take me away'. I was really upset that he has obviously had a buried worry all these years that I've never noticed, poor little soul, I felt like the worlds nastiest mum! He will be pleased once things like his bank card get his new name on and his bus pass. I have sent out a pile of letters notifying people his name has changed so hopefully it will be changed soon.
I have also got DS2 a pile of Lego for his birthday, at his request. DS1 has sorted coming up from London for the day...its a nuisance for him but had to be done. As far as DS2 is concerned DS1 being there will over shadow everything else and totally make his day. We are keeping it a secret, not totally sure that's a good idea but DD and DS1 both want to surprise DS2 so I'm keeping my lips closed.
DD and DS1 have got DS2 some new trainers and a couple of shirts for his birthday which he will love...he is a completely vain and adores admiring how gorgeous he looks so loves new clothes. My mum tried to give DS2 a cheap second hand phone...my dads old phone which he lost and then found again after he'd replaced it...strangely enough DS2 refused the phone, he has an iPhone! So heaven only knows what my parents will give, for DS1's 21st they gave him £20 so they are not noted for their generosity...though to be fair they did give DS1 a lovely watch for his 18th and gave DD a pretty necklace for her 21st.
DP will presumably give absolutely nothing, just as he did for DS1 and DD's 18th, 21st and indeed every other birthday and Christmas! He doesn't even do cards...what a twat he is! He doesn't even bother asking what I give! Yet he still thinks of himself as the worlds most amazing parent, I would imagine if he was asked he would consider himself to be DS2's most important parent...important is the wrong word, though definitely DP's favourite way of thinking about himself. I imagine even he is not deluded enough to think he even has a relationship with DD. He won't have spoken to her in months, that's not having a conversation talking, that's saying 'good morning' talking. He won't have spoken a single word to her in months and hasn't had a conversation with her in years. He probably deludes himself into thinking he still has a relationship with DS1 as he still gets to collect him from Uni and drop him off after holidays...its only twice a year, collecting DS1 in June when he has to vacate his room and then taking him, and all his gear back in September. Still that's enough for DP, DS1 hates having to be in a car with DP but my car is really not big enough and DD is now so poorly I just can't leave her for a long day to drive down to London and back otherwise it would definitely be me collecting DS1.
Friday, 22 April 2016
The year continues to be sh*t
Well DS2 finally got interviewed by the Police...2 hours!!! And they eventually decided they wouldn't pursue the case, not I think because they believe he hadn't done anything wrong but because they couldn't pressure him into agreeing with their version of events. I have absolutely no respect for the Police at all in how badly they have handled this whole incident. I had planned to write a complaint listing the many ways in which they had messed up
DD and I had both found dealing with DS2's unbelievable levels of stress with being off College and the very leisured way the Police dealt with the case hard. DS1 came home from Uni with a cold which we all caught, DS2 was better in a few days. DD and I not so much, it was a crap cold anyway but we took it to extremes, I ended up with a perforated ear drum which is proving less than fun. DD has just been really poorly, very little sleep because she's coughing and generally feeling deathly. We are finally getting over the cold but its not been fun. DD had to postpone a hair appointment(which she seriously needs) because she was way too ill to go, not sure how I'd have coped driving to be honest.
My DM has been in hospital again, another ambulance ride to York because she couldn't breath. Given she is still smoking I have zero sympathy for her. She is also loosing all filters so becoming even more self centred and unpleasant than before, all conversation is about her so very dull and she is endlessly snide and unpleasant. I did a tally chart once when she was on the phone totting up all her snide comments, practically everything she said was nasty. I will be overjoyed when she finally dies as far as I am concerned the sooner the better!
DP will be doing a job in Australia this summer which is great news for us all as he will be away for at least a week and so we get a holiday from him and can do fun stuff. It also means he'll have less holiday as the only way he can fit this job in is to use his leave time to do it, a double win for us as it means he has fewer days to be flopping around at home being bored and boring.
So while the year is still not picking up and sh*t continues to fall on us the year should pick up and we will, hopefully, have some good luck in the rest of the year.
- not speaking to College to assess the complaints validity before they decided DS2 was guilty and they would pursue the case to its ludicrous conclusion
- not contacting me as his carer or his social worker when they decided to ban him from College, or indeed when they got the complaint or when they decided to pursue it. This should have been a basic requirement given he is a vulnerable child in Care. They really have no clue!
- not informing anyone concerned..i.e. DS2, College, Social Services, me, about anything!
- not understanding that DS2's actual trauma was at least as valid as the complainers 'potential' trauma. This is a major one and totally demonstrates the mind set of the Police, DS2 was a 'perpetrator' and so should be punished whilst the complainants were 'victims' and so needed to be pandered to. Even when it became blindly obvious to everyone, except the Police obviously, that the complaints were malicious fantasies the Police couldn't change how they dealt with the incident as their minds are just to slow and inflexible.
- not communicating with the College or Social Services when they decided not to pursue the case anymore, even though they were demanding, with no rational given, that Austin stay under total supervision. They are ignorant to a level I have never experienced previously
DD and I had both found dealing with DS2's unbelievable levels of stress with being off College and the very leisured way the Police dealt with the case hard. DS1 came home from Uni with a cold which we all caught, DS2 was better in a few days. DD and I not so much, it was a crap cold anyway but we took it to extremes, I ended up with a perforated ear drum which is proving less than fun. DD has just been really poorly, very little sleep because she's coughing and generally feeling deathly. We are finally getting over the cold but its not been fun. DD had to postpone a hair appointment(which she seriously needs) because she was way too ill to go, not sure how I'd have coped driving to be honest.
My DM has been in hospital again, another ambulance ride to York because she couldn't breath. Given she is still smoking I have zero sympathy for her. She is also loosing all filters so becoming even more self centred and unpleasant than before, all conversation is about her so very dull and she is endlessly snide and unpleasant. I did a tally chart once when she was on the phone totting up all her snide comments, practically everything she said was nasty. I will be overjoyed when she finally dies as far as I am concerned the sooner the better!
DP will be doing a job in Australia this summer which is great news for us all as he will be away for at least a week and so we get a holiday from him and can do fun stuff. It also means he'll have less holiday as the only way he can fit this job in is to use his leave time to do it, a double win for us as it means he has fewer days to be flopping around at home being bored and boring.
So while the year is still not picking up and sh*t continues to fall on us the year should pick up and we will, hopefully, have some good luck in the rest of the year.
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