Life just keeps getting more complicated

 Well DS2 managed to get a bone in his foot broken a couple of weeks ago, playing football. Its the bone below his little toe and doesn't need a pot...though he did have a temporary pot for a week and a half...instead he has what looks like a Jesus sandal in black plastic. To say he's not pleased is an understatement...he would have preferred a pot that his friends could have signed ...and would definitely have preferred not to have a broken foot. He's off football and all his other activities for 8 week so misses the MENCAP tournament which he's really not happy about. Poor kid, he missed the first time in Geneva because of Covid and now he's got a broken foot! Life just isn't fair.

I have spoken to the person organising the tournament and he will make sure Aidan gets his England kit ...it will be presented to him on the day, he can go and support his team and then will be surprised with it. Hopefully it will make up for missing it at least a tiny bit.

In other news DD has pretty much got over her stomach flair so she can now eat normally ...the problem is that she was very happy loosing the weight and really is NOT interested in eating enough to stabilise her weight never mind regaining any. She wants to keep loosing until she's back into normal sizes...she's okay with being the biggest size, she just wants to stop needing custom sizes. Not sure it's possible but it's what she wants. 

She is having a really bad time at the moment...she's feeling depressed and nothing seems to be going right. Instagram has changed their algorithm yet again so her posts are barely seen and she finds reels just too exhausting. It's all a total mess. On top of that she is mute at the moment ...the total icing on the cake for her! Not sure how much longer she can continue with social media, she's stopped a couple of times before and gone back again but I think this time it might be permanent...if for no other reason that it changes so much so fast.

Other than that life keeps throwing sh*t at us all. The price of gas and electricity has doubled...and is set to get even more expensive before winter! Food prices are increasing every time I go shopping...I had thought we'd manage because we had some slack in out budget..well not as much as we need. We are cutting back on everything and should survive, but lots of people will struggle. 

In amongst all this we are trying to get a quote...and start date... to get our stairs repaired/replaced. They are feeling very soft and seeing DS2 thumping up or down them is disconcerting given the amount they bend. So far we've not been able to get anyone to talk to us...it's annoying as it's going to be a horrid job...sorting the stairlift and new carpet and bookcases never mind all the painting that's needed...I just want it all done so I can stop worrying about it.

DF seems to be keeping busy and enjoying being on his own which is good. He's managed to forget DD's birthday for the 3rd year in a row which is par for the course...he's never been good at remembering details that aren't important to him. DS2 did manage to speak to him on the phone to tell him about his broken foot but DF hasn't bothered asking how it's going when he's phoned to chat....it's hard to have even a modicum of respect for someone who is so intensely self absorbed.

DP has applied for a new job within his current firm...he seems to think it's a shoo in as there is no one else who could possibly do the job as magnificently as him...I don't think he has a chance in hell of getting it. We will find out at the end of the week.

In other news Americans no longer have a right to abortion access and when the Republicans take control of the parliament and, in 2 years time, the Presidency, abortion will be banned totally. It looks like there is a long list of things they plan stopping...contraception, gay marriage, being gay at all...segregated education...nothing is off limits...basically they seem to want to return to the days of slavery and women being chattels of men.... not a good place to go back to!

Update: well to no one's surprise DP didn't get the new job... he now has some Byzantine conspiracy theory about why he didn't the job. Maybe the obvious answer...no one likes him?

In other news we finally have a date for some builders to come and sort the stairs and I have already spoken to the stairlift people and the old stairlift is being taken and replaced which is fantastic, the current one has been thoroughly trashed...we've had it over 6 years so it's not done badly. Now all I need to do is sort the carpet and bookcases...and then repaint all the woodwork and walls in the hall!! Fortunately DS1 has booked a couple of days off work to help...he is so kind.

  

Life just isn't fun

 I realised years ago that I probably had low grade depression when I'd walk through a graveyard and be jealous of the people who died young. There are lots of reasons for this, mostly a family disposition towards depression but also lots of situational reasons. 

• lack of money which reduces our opportunities to do anything fun... or really needed like live somewhere bigger and quieter with a garden...which would have helped DS2 immeasurably when he was younger and would make DD's life infinitely easier and less painful 
• lack of supportive family...my parents sucked and only saw me when I was doing something to help...not great for my self esteem that's for sure. I compounded that by ending up in relationship with a self absorbed arse who thinks the world should revolve around him and I'm not sure sees anyone except him as an actual person. I used to be incredibly hurt and upset by this but long since became apathetic and just ignore him and his passive aggressive bullshit. Not healthy but it's all I've got.
• lack of any actual life of my own. Caring for DD and DS2 ...and DS1 I guess given he's still at home...means my life is lived for others.... not dreadful but I have no time for any hobbies like going to the gym or free brain space to read new books...it does make me feel like a non person a lot of the time.

My current favourite fantasy is that all the kids have left home into suitable relationships or supported living and are all happy...I get to live on my own and can go to bed for a rest whenever I want...even in the middle of the day! Totally sad and pathetic but that's my life.

I would say that my depression is now moderate and is colouring how I see everything...though given how appalling the news is I can't see how anyone escapes depression. The news out of Ukraine about the atrocities the Russians are perpetrating are horrifying, the  comparison  I usually use is the Nazis but, unfortunately there are way too many others to choose from...too many people really seem to want to be evil given half a chance. The news out of USA about repealing abortion rights and all the other rights that will be taken away afterwards is sickening. Old, White men really do seem to want to enslave everyone else...and it's going to happen ... I don't see any way out. Other than that we have the climate crisis which is causing unprecedented high temperatures in India and Pakistan ...for months! The world will burn and mass extinctions are already underway...scary. 

All of this adds up to a world, and a life, I really can't see any point in...I get minimal joy and its all going to get worse as we have progressively less money, with prices going up all the time...and I will continue to age and be increasingly tired while still needing to all the caring and DP will continue to be a self absorbed arse and huff and puff if anyone has the temerity to try and speak to him...'conversations' are for him to monologue and everyone else to listen...preferably in adoring and worshipful silence. He is then stupid enough to bitch that no one tells him anything!! You couldn't make it up.

I am not suicidal...mostly because I don't know a fool proof way to achieve death and I have way too many responsibilities I can't evade...but I wouldn't fight death if I ended up with cancer...my personal dream.

Spring is definitely here

 It's Easter weekend and, for Easter, unseasonably warm and sunny. It's a shame we can't really get out and enjoy the lovely weather. DD, DS2 and I went up to  Aysgarth Falls during the week so DD could get some photos of here in the woods with the wood anemones...it was very pretty but muddier than we'd have liked. Unfortunately there is no way to see the waterfall in a wheelchair, but definitely a place worth visiting again. DD has another reel which is doing well...not as silly as the last one that ended up with 8.3 million views...but still over a million! It's very hit and miss as her normal posts are vanishing with barely anyone seeing them and some of her reels do very little. Still she seems to making an impact...in the last few weeks an company she has got quite a few skirts from has offered her a frock in exchange for her doing some photos for them to use...she is very excited as its a company she respects. She has also been invited to be on a panel for a Pride celebration...unfortunately too far away but still flattering. She has also had a few students/researchers contact her to do interviews about her style...also the Wall Street Journal interviewed her! All exciting. Unfortunately she is also experiencing gastric paralysis and struggling to eat and in lots of pain and experiencing constant nausea... she has lost a couple of stone but probably not worth it. Her weight loss seems to be stabilising which is good but she would kind of like it to stay so she could finally end up slim again but this time be aware enough to enjoy it. We'll just have to see how the next few weeks play out.

DS1 and I spent part of yesterday removing wallpaper from under the window in DD's room where it was coming away from the wall. In spite of all the work we have done to put into insulating layers on the wall its always going to suffer with damp. Anyway the fresh wallpaper looks clean and neater...we'll just have to see how long before it starts peeling off again. Unfortunately DS1 has a shocking cold just in time for the Easter holidays...it seems so unfair that he finally has a few days off and he's feeling to grim to do anything. Well at least he can rest plenty while he's off I guess.

DS2 has yet another new girlfriend, everyone is trying to make him take things slowly but he's rushing ahead at full speed. I really hope it all works out for the two of them...it would make my life easier that's for sure. Though I would then need to find another job. 

In the wider world the horrible war in Ukraine is still going on...the atrocities the Russians are enacting are sickening. They are behaving in ways that match Nazi concentration guards torturing inmates knowing they would suffer no consequences or feel the need for guilt or remorse. It's beyond horrific... truly there are no words. The Ukrainians are still fighting but even if they finally manage to dislodge the Russians it will be a pyrrhic victory...to many lives have been lost and too many lives destroyed. All this is having an effect on fuel prices...other reasons too but this really doesn't help...our fuel bill has more than doubled from very expensive to eye wateringly expensive. Food prices are also rising and there are shortages because Ukraine is called the 'breadbasket of Europe' for a reason. Life is going to be hard for a while...hopefully not permanently. 

Still it's good to see the leaves coming out and daffodils and cherry blossom...we need to remember the good stuff!

   

We finally have covid in the house!

 After nearly 2 years of Covid and all the associated lockdowns and drama we finally have a Covid case at home. DS2 has been suffering...dying!...with a minor cold for a few days and then on Friday decided to take a test...mostly because he was bored. He tested positive...poor kid is panicking, he has seen all the horror stories the media has been putting out to make the pandemic as dramatic as possible. He believes them all and is convinced he is desperately ill. Fortunately he has 3 vaccines and is not poorly really...he has a cold and is feeling a bit grim, but hardly dying. He doesn't even have a temperature!

No one else has tested positive yet, though I do have a cold...time will tell. Lateral flow tests can only be ordered every 3 days now rather than every 24 hours but I have got DD and DS1 ordering packs so we won't run out. Free tests are being phased out on the grounds that the pandemic is virtually over in Britain... I do kind of agree but it's still annoying that the tests are harder to get the only time we've needed lots. Mostly it's just been DS1 taking regular tests for  work and DS2 taking a test whenever he gets panicky. 

All of this seems very minor stuff with the stuff in the news about Russia invading Ukraine...WW3 could be on the horizon. I have no doubt that somewhere in Whitehall there is a group of civil servants trying to update the 'Protect and Survive' leaflets we all got sent in the 1980's. Predictably its all adding to DD's anxiety...poor kid is really not at all well at the moment. The stress is not doing good things to her.

I spoke to DF on the phone expecting he would have been following the news...he used to be very aware of what was happening and stay informed about the world. His world is shrinking and all he could talk about was money and not being able to plan a walk with his sister because her house had suffered some flooding. It's not a good sign when someone's world gets so small and self absorbed...it happened with DM and it's now happened with DF... so I can now look forward to him having health dramas... hope he gets some support sorted 'cause I'm not in a position to do anything, even if I wanted to!  

Update: in spite of negative lateral flow tests for both DS1 and I we both tested positive for Covid with a PCR test as did DP. DD got a PCR test in the post and I imagine she will also test positive. I have to say Covid sucks... it's absolutely exhausting and just makes you feel like the world's shittiest cold. If this is it with 3 vaccines I'm not surprised so many died in the first wave with no treatment and a stronger version! Obviously DP is the most ill...well he thinks he is and he certainly does f*ck all in the way of sorting stuff at home...like ordering food, doing laundry, feeding cats, feeding people...you know the stuff that needs doing to keep us all alive and functional! 

After a 3-4 days of feeling shitty I'm not too bad...but struggled to rest no matter how crap I felt...yes I am being pathetic a whingy, but it's the payback for being a mum.

DF has phoned a couple of times...one time he spoke to DP who apparently told him how poorly he (DP) was...never mind I was in bed and everyone else was also ill!! The man is a self absorbed wanker... DF is pretty self absorbed too and his conversation when I spoke to him was about his walks and stuff. 

Looks like Covid may be over for now

 The latest variant of Covid has proved to be extremely contagious but mild...a good combination. Fortunately non of us caught it...though DS1 wouldn't have objected to a few days off work. By the end of this month it looks as though all restrictions will be over and no more self isolation for Covid infections...so you're off work if you're actually poorly but not if you are asymptomatic which makes sense to me. DD is less happy about it...she has health anxiety, which makes total sense and is angry that clinically vulnerable people like her are not being prioritized. There is no way anyone can protect everyone from Covid... anyone who wants can have 3 jabs against the virus...and lots of publicity encouraging people to get them (but still just over 90% have had the first vaccine never mind the rest). Covid is going to be around a long time, possibly forever, and we have to learn to live with it, not good if you have health issues like DD but that is life.

DP got a stomach bug and was ill enough for a couple of days...nowhere near as ill as he makes out but his over acting scared DS2 who is constantly worried about getting the bug...DP does love the drama and likes to make out he he so heroic. I would seriously love to know how he sees himself and the world... not sure how much I would recognise. I think he sees himself as doing far more in the house than he does...he had a questionnaire to fill in from the NHS and it asked how many hours caring he did a week, he wanted to know how many hours to put down for caring for DD!!! The honest answer would have been 0 but I imagine he put down full time...he really does seem to think he does everything and that the whole family would fall apart if he wasn't here doing all the work. Totally delusional!

DD has a post that went mildly viral and got over 8M views which was slightly surreal ...unfortunately it doesn't help any of her other posts which barely get seen at all due to Instagram's  weird algorithm. We went out to Burton Agnes to take photos in the wood which are carpeted with snowdrops...very beautiful and very cold...the photo was lovely but has been seen by barely anyone which is hard for DD. DF turned up to meet friends there just as we were ready to leave...he had mentioned going but I was sure he'd said another day...annoying but fortunately he didn't say anything fatphobic to DD, he is obsessed with peoples weight...he even asked after the cats weight!

DS1 is seriously talking about starting working to getting a driving license, he really does need his own transport but I'll believe it when I see it. He is also weighing up just renting so he can move out rather than hanging on here in the hopes of buying. He is finding being here hard with DP and DS2 ...and also DD some days... I think he would also like to start dating and that's super hard if you live in your parents house.

Other than that life is fairly quiet...which I like. DF seems to be coping just fine without DM, I miss her not at all which is hardly surprising given how little she added to my life for far too many years. I don't hear from DB at all but that's not new and isn't going to change no matter how much DF fantasises about us as a loving close family. 

Another year

 Well it's now 2022, Christmas was very quiet, as it always is. DF invited himself for Christmas Day lunch...I think he made a mistake as he was also invited by my aunt and her daughters and he'd have had far more fun there. It was horribly flat here on Xmas Day, even more so than usual. He did carry on to their house and had a fun evening. My Christmas wasn't great, apart from having to do endless cooking which I'm not fond of I got only one present. DD had arranged for the three of them to get me some chocolates I really like which was a lovely idea. DF got me a notebook, not sure what he was thinking and I'm guessing it will end up in the bin. DP got me nothing...I got him a couple of books and a tee-shirt. He is rubbish at presents but absolutely nothing felt rude and certainly shows how much he thinks about me, that he doesn't care I already know. I don't care about him but make sure I stay polite.

Anyway 2022....we still have Covid, there are ongoing scandals in Parliament with politicians lying...who knew...USA looks as though all those in power who supported the coup attempt will evade any responsibility and Trump has an extremely good chance of becoming President again. If all that isn't depressing enough we have the rise of authoritarian governments across the world, climate change speeding up with all that means for wildlife extinctions. The future looks increasingly bleak. If I'd been able to see the future when we were looking to have children I may well have chosen differently...DS1 is the only one who has any real chance of independence and he is going to struggle, housing is just so expensive and looking to buy on his own will be hard.

DF appears to be doing fine after DM's death...he is walking and seems busy planning what he wants to do in the house and seeing friends. He had a lot of years to get used to the idea and she was horrifically hard work at the end and always so unpleasant. Her death leaves no hole at all in my life...I always said I wouldn't grieve but I honestly thought I would a bit, if only from guilt but I have no emotions at all.

DD is having her usual January flare and every year it gets harder for her. She has so little energy that she struggles to watch TV or listen to audio books and it's a long time since she could do any crafts. Her ADHD makes not having a constant stream of activities super hard. She ends up miserable and whiny which is not a lot of fun. I do what I can but it's limited. She is also putting on even more weight which is going to be super fun...if she stops fitting into her clothes she really will end up with nothing at all to do...fun times.

DS2 is finally getting some paid hours from his work which will help his money situation. The enormous percentage the Council takes off him for his care costs is ridiculous and means he's running through his Criminal Injuries money at a fair lick...hopefully he can start putting some money back.

DS1 is still saving to move out. He needs to be able to drive first and get a car...he says he's planning sorting that this year but I'll believe it when I see it. He really hates the idea of driving...so did I but nowadays it's a necessity unfortunately....and I do like driving now.

DP is being exactly the same as he always is...he did mention a slight possibility of him going to Canada for a month...I almost wish he hadn't said anything because when it doesn't happen I'll be gutted. The idea of a whole month without him is just magic!

I don't really have any hopes for this year. The only job left from last years is the hall carpet and that will need a pile of money and me having the energy to repaint all the doors, skirting boards, walls and ceiling and the staircase. So extremely unlikely to be this year however badly we need it doing. DS1 would like his Gpa to die so he gets some cash for to help him move out but that's really not going to happen...I reckon DF has 20 more years to go. I'd obviously love enough money to move house...somewhere quiet with a garden and a view for DD and space for DS2 to expand into. That kind of money would also give DS1 somewhere to live independently and we'd have funds to make sure everyone could continue to be cared for after I die...which is a worry of mine however many years down the line it is. Obviously DP is not part of this fantasy... not sure if anyone except DS2 would want to see him at all. 

Well she is finally dead

 DM has finally died...it's been a long time coming. When I was getting clothes for her Golden Wedding do I carefully chose a skirt that would do for a funeral because she was in such poor health. She has been fading for such a long time it's hard to remember her as an actual person rather than just a list of her prejudices and casual rudeness.

Even to the bitter end she still had to be casually racist and generally less than pleasant. DF is now rewriting history and she is becoming a mum I'd actually have liked! Glad it helps him but I'll remember who she actually was...well my version of reality, so who knows how actually real it is.

Neither DD or DS1 will be at the funeral...DD because she really is too ill to go and DS1 because he totally refuses, he will never forgive DM for her nastiness to DD about her M.E. and I really don't blame him. We will just say he's looking after DD, which isn't not true and everyone is happy.

I have absolutely no emotion at about her death, she was a total irrelevance in my life so leaves no gap at all. DF is missing her, but missing the version he is creating, not who she actually was in the last few years. He will enjoy the freedom to actually do his walking and badminton and go to see his friends. He has so many plans for redecorating the house, new carpet and furniture, the list goes on. I'm sure he will miss not having any company in the house but he'll cope...who knows he may find a new partner.

We now just have the funeral to get through then it's all over...I imagine DF will last another 20 years or more so it's the last funeral I'll be doing for a while.

My list of what I hope for next year will be much shorter given how much has been crossed off this year..new kitchen, sort a bigger bath and get a bath lift, new car and DM snuffing it. About all I have left is DP exiting and replacing the carpet in the hall and stairs.