counting down to the new kitchen

 In my innocence I'd assumed it would take a week to sort the new kitchen and had planned accordingly. Well it's going to be more like 3 weeks, not looking forward to that! It will be worth it once it's all done but living without a kitchen is not going to be easy. 

I had suggested to DP that he fine a B&B or something while the work is done, he sleeps in the living room which is going to filled with stuff and he might find working from home less than easy with all the noise and general disruption. I thought I was being kind, obviously not. He would far rather hover around like a bad smell and play at being a martyr. I did look at renting a storage unit but with the end of lockdown and everyone wanting work done at the same time the demand for storage is high! Obviously DP, after telling me that storage was the way to go...but obviously I would need to sort it, when we were still talking about a week. I was prepared to just leave it and see what he arranged...spoiler alert, nothing...but when it was apparent we were looking a three weeks I caved and checked. But it wouldn't be easy to find so we are back to storing stuff in the living room...DP's other idea was to leave it in the yard! Not an idea I would ever agree to for reason's that don't even need listing.

The work is going to be super hard for DD to deal with...lots of noise and disruption and the stress of all the organisation needed and the general grumping that will occur. It doesn't help that she is having a massive pain flair at the moment and is really struggling. Yesterday she asked to go for a drive so she could distract from the pain... we ended up in Whitby and came home via Ravenscar and Scarborough. She didn't get out of the car but we stopped a few times and she could open the window to enjoy the fresh air. It was lovely drive, but at 6 hours of driving very tiring! Not sure it's something I can do regularly.

DD is also thinking she gives up on Instagram. She's stopped doing it a couple of times before and may well come back to it again but it's just so hard especially when the algorithm means almost no one gets to actually see he posts. Apparently they are 'protecting' disabled creators so they don't get hated on, by stopping people accessing their posts! Apparently they do the same to black creators, and I would imagine plus sized creators are similarly erased. All very shitty...especially as her photos are really good, I will never be a photographer but I'm getting adequate and the last photo of DD on Whitby Pier is actually a fantastic photo, shame barely anyone got to see it!

DS1 is learning about autism and the ways it affects him, and his life. It's really helping him, and making me feel like a shitty mum for not having all this information as he grew up. OK a lot of the information wasn't available until the last few years and not convinced knowing when he was younger would have helped or just made him lazy, well I can't do it I'm autistic...who knows. Certainly DD would have benefited from knowing about her  ADHD and autism. 

We are actually working through my wish list!

 We started the year well and got the bathroom sorted...having a bigger bath is lovely for DD and also DS1 who likes having a wash in a bath rather than perpetual showers but the last bath was really narrow. The bath lift also works incredibly well. It's so much easier for DD to wash, she is washing just because...even twice in one day when her hips were really painful! Getting through a lot of bath bombs! Very much worth it.

The car is also sorted! We'd been half looking at getting a car through Motability for a while bur it obviously takes away part of DD's PIP money so she wasn't too keen. Well this year she decided she's go for it and we got a brand new Honda Jazz...a hybrid so it's automatic...a steep learning curve but getting easier very quickly. DD chose a pearly white colour rather than the red we have had for years...it's very clean and bright looking. Fortunately the 'new' smell is fading already, not a great smell! 

The one job that really didn't seem doable this year was getting the kitchen sorted. After lockdown everyone is wanting work done on their house so kitchen fitters...and everyone else...are maxed out. We did go and look at Wren's, which is a national company, as they advertise fitting, the kitchen looked fine and the price was okay but getting a timetable for fitting was obviously going to be tricky, also they don't do flooring or tiling so they would have needed sorting afterwards. I was doom scrolling lists of local kitchen fitters...something I have done LOTS and found a company that is absolutely perfect that does a TOTAL kitchen fit....they are even going to replaster the room! How I've not found them earlier I will never know. Anyway we've got the kitchen planned and it should be installed at the end of September!!!

So the only job on my list that won't get sorted this year is the carpet in the hall and stairs and replacing the book cases but that can be sorted next year, the kitchen is the big job that really needs doing. It was a really cheap kitchen over 16 years ago and is falling apart and looks grubby no matter what I do to try and keep it clean.! Can't wait for all the work to be done.

Other good news DS1 got a significant pay rise at work...they are very keen to keep him which is good to know. He is talking about sorting his driving license which would be a major step for him. Then he can hopefully start dating maybe and move out...actually have a life!

It is really sad with all this good news that I haven't even thought of telling my parents any of it...they just wouldn't be interested. Even assuming I could get them to hear...I seriously don't think they register my voice, but then I'm not sure DP hears me either! 

But this year is definitely going well so far...okay DD isn't well. She is saying that she may be plateauing, which would be nice, I guess...though the prospect of looking after a daughter who needs as much support as she does long term is daunting...but I'm not convinced her energy levels are as steady as she thinks. She is still deteriorating, I think, maybe just not as fast. Still we are looking to replace her wheelchair, the chair we got to replace her old one is okay but just not what she wants so we are off, maybe next week, to order a new chair...it will be exactly like the old one...at least there won't be a learning curve getting used to it!

Update: well a new wheelchair has been ordered. DS2 managed to break the current chair, not on purpose but it's still broken. Luckily it's still useable but not awfully safe, the clip keeping it ridged has been snapped off. Unfortunately the new chair is not going to arrive anytime soon...looks like 12 weeks and counting. Still it's been ordered and paid for so it will come eventually.

I told you so...

 Had a phone call from DM at about 8pm on Saturday evening wanting me to go over to Malton for half an hour to help as DF had nacked his ankle playing badminton the day before....words just failed me. She appeared to have no concept that its an hours drive each way and DD needs full time care. Anyway DP decided it was an opportunity for him to do his hero bit...I am being snide and bitchy but it was still very kind of him...and drove over to help for an hour or so. He then went back over on Sunday morning for a couple of hours. He is the only person in the house who had any chance of going, in that he has transport and theoretical free time. Not sure either of my parents have any idea how much they were asking.

If either of them had any sense they would take this as a wake up call...just like all their previous 'wake up calls' and sort some support in Malton...a carer for example who could be contacted in an emergency, or move into supported housing. But they won't and I will be getting further phone calls. Not sure what they think I can do...I don't have 4 or so hours free in any day...I had to stop going to the gym because the 2 hours it took was more than DD could cope with, so there is no way I can support them in any real way. DP will undoubtedly have to go on future occasions but he is working all week and will eventually, please God, be back out visiting places. I imagine it will take a total emergency when no one can drop everything and go over to make them see sense. 

I had planned going over next Monday as it's a Bank Holiday so DS1 will be home to keep an eye on cats and DD. DS2 will be at work so he's sorted. Not anyone's idea of a fun activity but has to be done...no signs so far of DB going to see them. As far as I've heard from DM its over a year since he last went to see them...can't say I blame him. I'd do the same if I could but it's not worth the vague feelings of guilt I'd get.

I'm just hoping they don't linger on too long... but I have every expectation they will both be around for years. DF in particular may well manage his century.

DP had to go back to the doctors to recheck his blood pressure as it was high when checked the previous week...surprise, surprise it was still high! Given the simmering bad mood he's in ALL THE TIME I'd be more surprised if his blood pressure wasn't high! Apparently one of his blood test results was also a bit high...so presumably he just needs extra meds. Though I can fantasise that he has something life threatening and I finally get rid! I am a bad person. 

Life goes on...

 Well lockdown is easing...cinemas reopen from Monday which should see life going back closer to normal. No idea if /when we emerge totally from all restrictions. It was going to be 21st June but we now have a new variant of Covid from India and its all back up in the air. Hopefully vaccines will continue to move fast enough to prevent any future lockdowns. Not sure DS2 could cope with any more! He is feeling so much happier now he is back to football and rugby, never mind being back at work. 

We have all had all our vaccinations which does make me feel less stressed. Now all I have to worry about is  DD getting progressively poorly. She has taken a long break from Instagram but is now thinking she might start posting again...we shall see. We went out on Thursday...very close to home and she has spent the time since in bed.

DS1 is having to start going in to work from 8am...he knew it would come but he's not happy as he is not good at getting out of bed in a morning...tough! Luckily it does prove his work is going strong and not suffering from the after effects of Covid lockdowns...there have been predictions of a recession but no signs so far.

I am still waiting for the Council to sort how I repay their overpayment...I can see them being unhappy with whatever I can offer...well their problem. If necessary they can declare me bankrupt, there is only so much money I can pay...or want to pay if I'm totally honest. It's a stress I really could live without but so much of my life is like that.

My parents are still trogging on. DM is getting increasingly tired and getting easily confused but I have no doubt she'll still be around in 2-3 years. DF seems happy enough with his garden, he is even getting out to walk occasionally so he's okay. I fully expect him to make his century...which is a real shame as an inheritance from them is the only real hope DS1 has of getting a house of his own. My parents first house...and mine...cost 2-3 times our annual income, DS1 is looking at ten times that. So he is going to be at home saving madly for years yet. Which does mean his chances of finding a partner are practically zero...I mean who wants to date while living in their parents house!

Update: well today has been a productive day. The Council has got back to me and to my total surprise they have accepted my repayment offer...according to their official letter accepting offer it will take over 20 years to repay the money...assuming I live that long. A total win in my book. I suppose they were slightly limited in just how aggressively they could pursue the money given the overpayment was 100%  their error and they have made a number of adjustments to their system to prevent it happening again. I am very relieved...it was starting to stress me and I have enough stress without the Council adding to it.

The other good thing today was I discovered where we have had a couple of mice getting into the house. There was a small hole in the bathroom and I filled it in...not sure Freddie will be pleased. He caught 2, not sure if there were any others. One he ripped the head off, the other he sicked up. So who knows if there were others he managed to eat. He had fun catching them that's for sure. Personally I'm happy their entrance point has been blocked!

DS1 is coping with starting at 8am...this makes my life easier and is a good sign. If work is that busy and looks to be busy enough for the future the firm is going to survive. Now he just needs to sort himself a driving license and transport and then a house and he can ride off into the sunset....

Well the first job on my list is being sorted.

 The bathroom is being sorted as  I type...the noise is not good and the smell equally not pleasant...but its getting done. I will be so pleased to finally have a bath big enough for DD to use easily and a floor that's not cracked and dirty.

The money situation doesn't look as though its going to be as dire as I thought...it's early days yet but we may manage more of the jobs on my list than I thought. Having DD and DS1 pay for all their own takeaways and stuff from Amazon and suchlike is obviously saving me more money than I expected. I have also paid off all the debts apart from the car loan which is a massive saving every month.  It would be lovely to get the kitchen redone, the units are looking very decrepit and the work top is stained and marked and that's before I start on the cooker and the state of the floor! Only time will tell how money goes but I'm keeping my fingers crossed.

I got a letter last week saying the Council had been mistakenly paying my fostering money since I stopped being a foster carer....I assume I will need to pay back some of it but I don't intend to prioritise paying it back so it's still a win for me. I had the money when I needed it to help pay down debt, which is basically all paid off now, and I will pay off a token amount a year. Given it's not a problem I caused and totally down to the Council for a list of errors...including not appointing DS2 an adult Social Worker which costs us money I don't see that I should worry about paying it back. If DS2 had a Social Worker they could sort out his Care Plan and sort funding it...bet when/if that ever gets sorted that he doesn't gat the money back dated. The hypocrisy of the system always annoys me.

DD is really struggling at the moment...seems to be something that gets typed into every post. She is back to sleeping and dozing pretty much all the time and when she is awake enough to want company she wants to be hugged while she does weird groping shit....her brain is fried and she struggles when she's overtired, which is now anytime she's awake. Hopefully she'll feel better, or at least not as shit, when lockdown is eased/ended and the weather picks up. 

One thing I am really looking forward to when life gets back to some kind of normal is DP being out of the house!!! He has been working from home for nearly a year and is driving me insane. The only thing that makes this doable at all is that we rarely interact. He sits in the bedroom 'working' and I sort my normal stuff. In an evening he sits in his car and does his music...he can sit out there for 2-3 hours! He has had a couple of mornings recently where he has needed to actually visit clients and it's been bliss. I can not begin to describe how relaxing it is to have him out of the way for a few hours. He is plainly getting bored without his fix of, what he seriously believes is, adoration from other people and is increasingly talking at me...I have never been happier to be going deaf. (He has repeated stuff people in his office have said about him and he is delusional if he thinks they even like him never mind adore him....he is plainly the butt of many jokes).

DS1 is super busy at work which is good in that his work place is likely to survive the Recession we all expect after Covid but he is permanently exhausted and has days he's depressed because all he does is work, eat and sleep....he will feel 100% better once he can do his D&D and go to the cinema again and actually meet up with friends.

DS2 is finding this last Lockdown super hard and so I have got him a couple of Advent calendars to help him 'countdown' to the, hopeful end of Lockdown. He can then get back to work and all his activities...I will be so happy! I will occasionally get the house with just DD and I in it...I can't wait.

The only downside to the end of Lockdown is I will need to see DM and DF occasionally but I can live with that as it is never going to more than every month or so for an hour or two.

 

Hopes for 2021

 Well Christmas is over, even more boring than normal we have been trapped in the house for so much of this year that being trapped in for Christmas was not a novelty. The only good bit was not being able to go over to visit my parents. It's never my favourite bit of Christmas, they are so dull and the conversation is always reminiscences of the 1970's. I spoke to them on Christmas Day....and multiple occasions before as they kept finding reasons to phone! DF seems fine, planning walks that he doesn't get to do with the weather but still fit and well enough to do stuff. DM had been sounding quite bright and her normal self but has sounded tired and slightly out of it the last few times we spoke, who knows it could be the effects of alcohol, she still seems to be drinking plenty.

They sent presents and DF plainly went into a remaindered book shop and bought random stuff.  DP got a couple of decent books that he might actually enjoy and a selection box of whiskey miniatures that even he said were like antiseptic...he still managed to drink them though. I got a magnifying glass with lights...it went straight in the donate pile. There was various other naff stuff which was donated or regifted. Luckily they sent cash to DD, DS1 and DS2...all preferred money. Still its the thought that counts...which would be more acceptable if there had been any actual thought!

Anyway what do I want from 2021? some if it is super easy like us all getting vaccinated against Covid 19 so we can get our lives back. I would also love for DD to come out of her current flair...she is sleeping pretty much all the time. She can move from her bed to her chair, where she then naps, and then back to her bed, where she continues to nap. I am really worried that this isn't a flair but her new normal. Her condition does keep having these sudden descents and it's always horrendously scary...this is one of the worst. It's really hard for her as she has finally got her eating disorder under control with therapy and is accepting her body and not hating herself for being fat. She really wants to be posting on her Instagram account to help other people make that journey. Maybe, if we're lucky.

But the jobs I'd like to do that I actually have some control over 

• I'd like to redo the bathroom. We need a wider bath so I can get a bath lift for DD so she can have a bath when she has the energy. The floor tiles also need replacing.
• replace the hall and stair carpet and get new bookshelves for the landing. 
• get new units in the kitchen, the ones we have are old and look it! I would also like to replace the cooker and move it so I can get a proper sized cooker. I also want new flooring, the stuff I got when we last redecorated the kitchen wasn't cheap but has proved to be really poor quality.
• I would love to get a new car, there is nothing wrong with the current car but a slightly bigger one would be useful.

There is no way all of these will get done, they all cost money and that is always a limited resource, but we can hopefully get a couple done.

I would also quite like DM to finally snuff it...more because it's a 'job' on my mental to do list and I want to cross it off rather than actually having any emotional involvement any more. She has no impact on my day to day life and I have no part in her care and even when Covid is all over I still won't be visiting more than once a month for a brief drop in to 'hi', so her demise or not will have minimal impact on my life. Though if DF dies first I will be busy sorting her into a Home and all the rest - can't see my DB doing any of it!

Hopefully next year will be easier than this year. Not that this year has been all bad, we managed to get out to the Moors loads and DD took some awesome photos, but still a hard year.

Update: well it looks as though we may get non of the jobs sorted I was hoping for! I have still been getting money from when DS2 was in foster care, now I knew the money wasn't permanent but I wasn't expecting it to stop so abruptly. It's disappointing but could have been really hard a year or so earlier, at least now most of the debts are paid off, all we have is the mortgage and the car loan. Still I had hoped it would last long enough to get a couple of the jobs done! Maybe another year.

The year is slowly dragging towards its end

 Well the American election is over and Biden is now President...or will be in January.  Unfortunately they didn't take the Senate so all the damage Trump and the Republicans have done will stay but its good to know a nuclear war isn't going to be started because some man baby is having a tantrum!

We are back on lockdown which sucks as DS2 and DP are in the house 24/7 with no gym, football or rugby. Still it's not as bad as first time round as we have an end date at the beginning of December and DS1 is still able to go to work.

DD started therapy to help with her relationship to food. It is helping her approach food better but unfortunately it's not helping her weight and she is now too big for any of her clothes. Combining that with a flair she is having to take a break from Instagram, which is a massive shame as she was getting so good. Annoying too as she had only recently bought a new ...expensive...camera that I am still paying off. She has also bought a mass of new clothes...mostly custom ordered and so not cheap! It's typical though, pretty much the same happened last time she needed a break, and indeed the time before that!

She is struggling a lot at the moment ...she has very minimal energy so gets VERY bored as she's too tired to watch TV, or read, or play computer games...never mind actually doing any of her hobbies that she would actually enjoy. She has said, many times, that it's only knowing how hard Ruthie would take her death that keeps her from ending it all. 

DM still keeps going...miserable every time I speak to her and offensive pretty much every time as well. She will last for years, spite alone will keep her going. DF seems to be coping with her...I gather he's still managing to get out for walks occasionally and badminton when it's on, so he's happy.

A vaccine has been announced to the coronavirus which is fantastic news....hopefully the pandemic will be more controlled by next year and I can get DP out of the house again. Having him in the house all the time has not been fun!

I got my standard birthday present from my parents...flowers...usually they come from M&S and I entertain myself before the day deciding which of bouquets I'll be getting, the cheapest usually. Anyway this year I'm guessing my dad ordered them and he picked the cheapest flowers to be found on the internet...not M&S... and it showed! To compare the flowers my parents sent cost £15 including postage, the flowers my MIL sent will have cost £41 not including postage. My MIL remembers birthdays irregularly but as she's not my mum it's not a big deal. My parents are just unpleasantly cheap!

Its DS1's birthday today...he's already got cash...$40...from my MIL, his step Grandma has sent a card which arrived today and will undoubtedly contain £50 as it's what she always sends for birthdays. Nothing has arrived from my parents ...now a card could still arrive with Covid the post is having problems but even if they do remember it will be a card with £20...and they are definitely the ones with the most money. Given the fact they totally forgot DD's birthday it's not a given they remember DS1's birthday, I gave DF the benefit of the doubt for years and credited him with giving a damn and the spite just coming from DM. Now I'm not so sure, I still think the total self absorption is DM but DF is only fractionally better and does not really care about any of us. He has made it abundantly clear on many occasions that he values money more than me or the kids....DB may be different being male. DF is more misogynistic than I realised growing up...the 70's was not a good period and DF wasn't bad in comparison with the period but from the standpoint of today he's not great!.   

Update: well my parents did forget DS1's birthday and a card was sent that included £40, presumably by way of an apology. More interesting I have had a couple of extremely illuminating phone calls from DM. She has phoned more than once to check if she has forgotten a birthday...DP's and DS2's...when I mention DD she gets very unpleasant and snarls that she doesn't mean 'her'. The only explanation I can come up with is that DM intentionally ignored DD's birthday and then forgot that she'd 'forgotten'. With DS1's birthday she has now remembered she ignored DD's birthday and is desperately wanting me to tell her so, presumably so she can have a spite fest! She really is such a pathetic and unpleasant individual. I did wonder if she had 'forgotten' DS1's birthday but then DF had remembered it by some miracle...he is not good with dates and once memorably said that of course he knew when my birthday was, 'it was VE Day or VJ Day but he knew it was in May', my birthday is Remembrance Day!!

DS1 was very jealous that DD had her birthday purposely ignored by DM and wanted to know what her secret to success was. I'm guessing it's a combination of being sufficiently ill I need to care for her rather than being a position to pander to DM...not sure how that would work...other than in her fantasies...if I wasn't a carer I would be working full time so still have no capacity to fawn over DM. I also think DM is pissed off that neither DD or DS1 has paid her any attention for many years...as you sow so shall you reap!

Update 2: well guess who 'forgot' DD's birthday this year (2021) as well...my parents of course. Now this time my DF did remember about a 2-3 weeks late and phoned to aske me what he should do. I said just forget it DD hadn't mentioned it so probably hadn't even noticed....oh I can't tell you the hours I put into honing the perfect bitchy response...totally wasted on DF but it still felt good to finally say it. DF was fine with doing nothing... didn't feel any guilt at all. 

DM however obviously felt I hadn't been appreciative enough of the fact the birthday had ...eventually... been remembered and phoned to claim she had ordered some flowers from an unknown company that she couldn't remember the name of, or what she ordered never arrived. Total bullshit in my opinion.