Not sure this year will ever end!

 Well lockdown as such has ended and DS1 and DS2 are back at work which is fantastic for both of them...it also gives me a couple of quietish days. The major problem is DP is still working from home and likely to be long term. I really hate him being around all the time, even when is 'working' he is wandering round and talking at me....and he is soooo boring and self absorbed! For someone who claims he watches no TV he is constantly telling me about the stuff he watches! I'm so lucky to be deaf.

DD is doing really well with her Instagram and taking some beautiful photos and writing some lovely posts. Going out leaves her shattered....and me! We left the house by 4am last time and were in Scarborough before 6am for sunrise! It was beautiful but I was struggling to keep my eyes open by the time we got home and still needed to sort DD and do all the other jobs waiting to be done before I could close my eyes for an hour or so.

Went over to Malton a week ago to see DM, she is still alive, well it's not what I'd call a life but she's still breathing and being racist. I can see I'll need to go over every month or so until she dies...I reckon another year or two. She is in nappies and can't realistically move except in a wheelchair, oh the irony after all her foul bitchy comments about DD being 'overly reliant' on her wheelchair. I will be so pleased when she finally dies, a job I can cross off my 'to do list'.

They had some photos of my DB ...all I can say is he does NOT look like my baby brother. He is not aging well at all. He's put on some weight...probably still weighs less than me but it really does him no favours. He is also bald...a family trait...and very wrinkled, which is less usual in the family. It makes no odds to me, I haven't seen him in years and will probably only see him twice more for DM's funeral and then for DF's. I email him a couple of times a year to thank him for presents and I send him Amazon vouchers for birthdays. Not a relationship I miss which is sad. I still miss DB1 and he died 30 years ago.

Hopefully we won't have another lockdown, but who knows 2020 is a year that keeps shovelling more shit our way. Leeds is coping better than many parts of the world which is something I am grateful for, but it's still not a year I would ever choose to repeat!

In other news America is gearing up for and election in November. Trump and the Republicans are doing everything...legal and realistically illegal to ensure they win. The popular vote will almost certainly be for Biden, as it was for Hillary Clinton in 2016 but I do see him 'winning'. I think Trump and his apparatchiks will steal the election, in much the same way Hitler 'won' in 1933. To be fair I fully expected Trump to cheat in order to win this election...I foresaw him manufacturing an emergency so he could declare martial law. Well he has Covid-19 but he barely needs an excuse...he is just dismantling the election system. Four more years of Trump....and more if he just passes the Presidency down to his children...are not going to be fun to watch.

Given my unmatched skill in predicting election results...100% wrong so far....I seriously hope my pessimism is a defense mechanism but I don't think so with this election. Trump is a vile repulsive person but his Republican enablers are just evil people. 

Thoughts on my mum

DM is still in hospital, Malton Hospital now which means DF can visit her through a window near her bed, which makes it easier for her. He did look into a nursing home which would have been more realistic given her physical and mental state.

She is bed bound, more than DD as she can't get out of bed at all without help, like 2 nurses help, so she can't use a toilet and is apparently pretty much totally incontinent. She is not able to cope with reading or watching screens...okay DD gets like this a lot but DM is also showing real signs of confusion and general batshittery. Apparently her most recent diagnosis is arterial fibrillation  which means irregular heartbeat which means oxygen problems, which she has in spades because of her smoking anyway, it can also cause silent strokes in the brain and lead to dementia, which would explain a lot about her behaviour for a number of years now. She has had even less interest in boundaries and what is appropriate behaviour for a few years now, I remember last time she was in hospital she was speaking to DF on the phone and she was vile to him and shocked the other old ladies in the room with her.

DF seems to think he can cope with her being back home and eventually the hospital will want to discharge her so he'll need to sort something out. I think he is totally delusional about just how far she has deteriorated this time and that without any additional help he will struggle, but it's his choice. He has had a lot of advice but I'm doing non of it so not my problem. I will offer muted sympathy. Hopefully DM will die very soon so it's not a long drawn out problem for DF. He is more than happy on his own, he has his garden, goes on walks, is more than capable of doing all the cooking and cleaning and stuff...he's been doing it all for years. His only issue is going online, but he's aware of that and can learn it easily enough. He even has a new walking group picked out, so he is not going to find life on his own too hard.

I have been struggling with overeating this past few weeks and think it's very much tied in with my complicated feelings about DM. I don't like or respect her. I think she is an unpleasant, selfish woman who cares only for herself. I have some acceptance that she was very young when she had me and my brothers which is not an excuse but explains some of her mistakes. But it doesn't excuse the fact that my childhood is filled with examples of her saying mean things to me and the fact that all my life I have only felt of value if I'm doing stuff for other people. As far as she is concerned I'm invisible unless I'm doing what she wants, jobs mostly she doesn't like me that's for sure. Mostly I think she is embarrassed by me, I'm fat, I'm not rich, I live in a small inner city house, my children are fat, non of them is successful or beautiful...to her, as far as I am concerned my children are all fabulous and totally amazing people I am privileged to know. I am sad because with DM this close to dying I loose any hope I still had that she will ever see me and like me, I obviously had more hope left than I would have expected if it's hitting me this hard.

I am allowed to want a mum who liked me, note that even writing for myself I don't write 'love' me, I never expected that. I think my DF likes me, but I know he prefers my brother and still misses the older of my brothers because he was 'someone he could talk to'. I am and have always been invisible to my parents and only valued for what  I could do, the tasks I performed. It doesn't help that I haven't spoken to my brother or seen him in years. I was the one driving our contact and I stepped back after he hurt me deeply...not caring about my DD's illness....I dropped the rope and he plainly didn't care about me enough to pick it up.My DP is similarly uninterested, I dropped the emotional rope on him over a decade ago and he doesn't appear to have even noticed! It does sometimes feel as though it must be me that is the problem, after all I don't even have any friends, but I think I have been so shaped by DM to be an enabler for narcissists that I am unable to cope with normal people and only interact with selfish people.

Anyway I will not be sad when DM dies, hopefully very soon, for her as well as for the rest of us. She is very frail and looks MUCH older than her age, she hates her life and death would be kind to her and the rest of us. I will try to remember to be kind to myself and remember I am worthy of love and I am a worthwhile person. I am not only valued for the tasks I perform, I will like myself.

Update: well it looks as though DM is finally getting to back home. She had another trip back to York, not quite sure why, might have been a reaction to her new pills or lack of oxygen. Who cares! She did phone me and she is obviously fully back to her normal mental state. She phoned to say that she'd nearly had a panic attack, when asked why she said it was because she'd thought she'd missed my brothers birthday but realised it was June not July. Sounds innocent enough but she phoned on DD's birthday which was completely ignored by both of my parents. She is such an unpleasant bitch. No proof she did it on purpose but the mere fact I think she might have done says everything anyone needs to know about her. I blocked her number on my mobile phone and was 'too busy' to answer when she tried the house phone. She is just so poisonous!!

Still in lockdown...no end in sight

We are almost at the end of May and still no sign of a real end to lockdown. DS1 is still off work, he's still got a job and is being paid but heaven only knows when he'll be back....I've given up trying to guess. He struggles being stuck at home all the time and not able to meet any of his friends or go out to the cinema...you know all the normal stuff people do. He seems okay at the moment but has had some bad days.

DS2 is getting very anxious and veres between wanting to meet his friends in the park and refusing to go back to work when it reopens because he's so scared. Poor kid, he struggles to understand and the uncertainty is hard for him....and the rest of us to he fair.

DD is still suffering from the aftermath of what we assume was Covid-19. She is pretty much trapped in her room and goes out to take photos occasionally and then retreats to her bed. She isn't well at all and she is finding all of this emotionally really hard. Life is hard for her at the best of times and having a full house all the time isn't good.

DM is still in hospital, DF has been trying to get her home again .... she is NOT happy about being trapped in hospital and who can blame her. The main problem is that it now seems DM is totally incontinent and DF is very clear that he can't cope with that, and who can blame him. Having all this happen while lockdown is still ongoing makes it all harder of course as no one can actually speak to staff in the hospital so getting information is not easy.

DF is now looking at getting DM moved to either the local hospital as a stop gap or moving her straight into a local nursing home. Don't envy him that conversation!!! It's a Bank Holiday today which further complicates everything but hopefully DF can get things sorted so DM can get out of hospital and somewhere more appropriate. Given how quickly she seems to have deteriorated she may well not last too much longer. Having said that I've been expecting her imminent death for years.

Just spoke to DF and it looks as though she may get moved to a small hospital very close to their house, so DF can cheap out on not paying for a nursing home. DF is obviously not keen on paying out for DM! Well if she gets home eventually she will be miserable in familiar surroundings and DF can ignore her as much as he usually does. Good luck to DF handling it all! Fingers crossed she dies soon, for all our sakes....even hers.

I haven't spoken to DF as much in years!! Not a habit I intend keeping thats for sure. I have spoken to DM most days she's been in hospital and she is getting more confused and her filters are even less evident than normal, non of it's new behaviour but it's becoming more visible. She is in really poor health but could easily linger for another 20 years.

DP has been less hard work than I pictured but lockdown would still be soooo much easier if he wan't here. He gets vile and grumpy if anyone speaks when he was planning on pontificating...even if the other person/people were already speaking and he was going to butt in. He is going to carry on WFH until September at least, oh what fun.In an ideal world he could also get this virus and end up in hospital giving us all some peace and quiet, or just piss off into the sunset ....alone or with another woman I really don't care. Not that it's going to happen.

Still as lockdown carries on ....for ever.... it could be worse, not that I won't be overjoyed for it to all end and to get the house back to just DD and I!

Still in lockdown

Today is the 75th Anniversary of VE Day and should have had a full list of commemoration events.  Instead we are still in lockdown for Covid-19. Thinking about wars, as I tend to do on these big anniversaries I am forever grateful that I have lived in a period where none of my children had to go and risk life and limb to fight. DS1 in particular would have struggled in WW1, to the point I seriously doubt he'd have survived. Just so many triggers for him, if I believed in reincarnation....and I really want to.... I would say he lived through the War and that's why he reacts so intensely to facets of life in the trenches. DS2 would not have lasted 5 minutes as a soldier in either War...he just doesn't understand enough to keep himself safe. In WW2 he could have worked on the land, which he'd have coped with but he needs so much looking after! I can see DS1 as as bomber pilot, he really likes Lancaster Bombers, so his life expectancy would have been measured in months. DD would have worked in something front line and dangerous because that's who she is...she would have been my only hope of a child who survived. As I say I am grateful all the time for being lucky enough not to have to watch my children go to fight.

On a different topic I got a phone call from DF last might and DM has been sent to hospital. Nothing to do with the pandemic, she is just getting increasingly old and frail. All those years of smoking are catching up with her with a vengeous! Apparently she is not managing to get to the toilet, lack of energy to walk according to DF. So pleased we are in lockdown so I don't have to feel guilty about not visiting. It was interesting how happy he was to chat on the phone, both last night and again today, he could also hear better without DM being around. I spoke to her briefly on her mobile but she had no interest in speaking, not ill just keener on speaking to DF to complain about him not sorting stuff...she really is a poisonous old woman. I have checked and don't have a skirt for a funeral but I'm sure I can sort something if the best happens. Hopefully soon while restrictions on funerals are still in place, that way it can be a brief affair and I don't have to pretend to care even minimally.

Lockdown looks as though it will still be in force at least until the end of June...I am thoroughly bored with the whole thing. It just makes life tedious and worst of all there is just no quiet in the house. With DP, DS1 and DS2 all off work and with no sports or gym to go to they are hanging around ALL the time! They just make so much noise and fill the house up. Luckily tips have finally reopened, though you now need to book a slot to go, anyway I have booked what may well have been the very first slot at the nearest tip and DP and DS2 will go on Monday to get rid of the mountain of cardboard and wood we have stacked up ready to go. Assuming the tip calms down and we can get to it more easily we can then start sorting DS2's room. He wants it reorganized which will mean a lot of  old furniture taking to the tip and new units put in place.

The world has gone to sh*t

I have spent a large part of my life reading disaster novels and post apocalyptic stories....well now I can live it for real.

Not a good feeling. The world is experiencing a novel virus going pandemic. Basically worse than Spanish flu which is some feat. The response from every country so far to experience the virus is to totally shut down everything, which is already causing massive problems with job losses and a massive recession to come. DP has been told his salary will be cut by 30%...talk about sh*t!!

The virus seems to be a fairly mild flu for most people but for old or those with other health issues....like DD....the death toll can be up to 15% which is pretty horrific. Even with those figures I would be awfully tempted to just leave people to get sick and leave the old to die. I think the recession that follows this is going to cause way more deaths than leaving the virus to do it's worst.

So far DS2 is off college and work experience, his rugby has already stopped for the foreseeable future and his football is likely to follow suit this weekend. He had been picked to play football in a tournament in Switzerland with the MENCAP team at the end of May. Its not been officially cancelled yet but I can't see it going ahead.

DS1 is coping so far as his work is still carrying on though that's probably only going to last another couple of weeks, if that long. It's then questionable as to whether he has a job at the end of the shut down. His D&D has already had to stop and he can no longer go to the cinema with his friend or meet up with friends. I can see him sinking into depression if it carries on too long.

DP is already working from home full time for who knows how long....I had spoken to my parents about him going over to stay with them to help them and also get him out of my hair. A total win-win for everyone, but DF decided it was too much risk of DP bringing the infection with him. His choice but he can f*ck off when he wants help later as it all get too much. Worse case scenario is he gets sick and then DM is left to fend for herself....she'll be dead in a week! ( A win-win for me). Unfortunately I can see them both surviving just fine, but with DM being even more unpleasant and miserable than usual.

DD is really struggling and has been over dosing on adrenaline all week. Well she crashed big style today and is exhibiting symptoms as though she has stomach flu...I think it's just a flair but she is certainly very unwell.  It's a real shame as she has been feeling so much better with her new pain  meds and had started posting on Instagram again and had even got her lovely new doctor to refer her to  rheumatology to try and find some treatment for all her spine and joint pain. She has been asking for a referral for years. All the uncertainty over what's going to happen is not doing her anxiety any good .... this is not going to be a pleasant few weeks/months.

The situation is bad enough but there has been a mass of panc shopping which means normal shopping is impossible...toilet paper is unavailable, as is pasta, rice...basically once one item is all sold out the next food/household product goes out of stock. DS2 described it as 'shelves filled with emptiness' a very apt description.

Update : well its now 25th March and we have been in lock down for 2 days. In some ways it's easier to be finally locked down ,,,,the uncertainty is over and we have a fair idea of what is going to happen next. DS2 has, predictably not been coping well but DD and DS1 have both worked very hard at keeping him occupied and staving off his melt downs.

Unfortunately having DP at home is not making the situation any easier, though to be fair it could be worse. I'm guessing he is trying not to be too much of an arse. Still I can't wait for him to piss off back to work, go out to the gym....basically anything other than hang around telling me what he's posting on Facebook...what makes him think I care I really don't know!

Update 2: it's now the 18th April and lockdown is likely to continue until the middle of May. DS2 is finding it hard, he gets himself into a spiral of stress and is convinced he has Corvid-19 and needs to go to hospital!.But in the main he is coping better than I imagined a lot of the thanks for that is all the planning that DD did and the efforts DS1 is putting into keeping DS2 occupied.

DS1 will need to wait until all this is over to see if he still has a job. He's still being paid so far, thanks to the Government covering 80% of wages while lock down is on. But who knows how if the company will get the orders they need in a post lock down, massive Recession world.

The only upside to all this is that I've not needed to go over to Malton for DF's 80th birthday.

Election predictions

Well we have yet another election in a couple of weeks and as far as I can tell it looks like another hung Parliament. It's realistically the worst possible outcome as it means the Brexit log jam will continue indefinitely. Hopefully my 100% record of getting it totally wrong on election predictions will continue and we actually have a result, but I'm not holding out any hope.

The Labour Party has become a home for all kinds of repellent Antisemitism and I totally fail to see how anyone could bring themselves to vote for them but people will...round here they will vote for Labour in huge numbers...including DS1's friends, who are bright but young. Still feel voting for Antisemitism is utterly wrong but it's their choice. If our local MP is by some miracle voted out I would be soooo pleased....he is an utterly repellent little oik! Unfortunately not going to happen.

Other than the election we have been keeping busy feeding stray cats. There are huge numbers in the area. We have already managed to get one off the streets and hopefully adopted. We are planning to adopt another ourselves...she is very thin and I'm guessing not in great health but happy to see us and wants petting as well as feeding.

Update: well we did get the cat off the streets and took 'her' to the vets to find out the cat was actually a neutered male. So had been a properly looked after pet at some stage, which almost makes it harder that he was so staving and nervous.

By some miracle he doesn't seem to have any underlying health issues, no FIV which is astounding as we know its in the cat community in the area. The vets were obviously expecting his bloods to show kidney failure or something equally terminal....even after a month of feeding he is still painfully thin. But he is basically healthy apart from a mouth full of very painful ulcers which may account for how thin he was as he must have found eating hard. He is back at the vets in another couple of weeks to get his mouth properly checked and will undoubtedly need lots of expensive dental work but he's totally worth it, such a sweetie. Very affectionate but so good natured and easy going. DS1 was telling us loud and clear that adopting him was a mistake....it is eye wateringly expensive that's for sure...but having met Wilfred he has decided it might be a sensible plan after all.

Update 2: well the election has happened and my 100% record stands. The Conservatives managed a very decent majority, there are lots of reasons but Corbyn seems to have been a major factor. I'm obviously not the only one who finds him repellent. He is apparently going to stand down at some point and a new leader found. Really hope it's someone sensible and not another reject from the 70's.  Government works best when there is a credible opposition! But very pleased we didn't get another hung Parliament.

Autumn is a blessing

I really love Autumn. I love the colours, the fact it's cooler weather, the awesome damp vegetation smell you only get this time of year, the way the sunlight seems golden and misty all the time. Basically I love the whole thing. One of the best bits of driving DS1 to work every day is seeing the leaves turn more Autumny every day, the colours are stunning. I also get an amazing view of distant hills and trees at one bit that is life affirming. I am so blessed to live in such a lovely part of the world and get to experience Autumn every year.

I realise that's all a bit gushing but there is lots in my life that is less than good so its nice to have something that's so good and clean! DD is still deteriorating, her doctors appointment went well and she is finally getting some meds to help her nausea. She will also be getting some new pain meds but needs to reduce the dose of her current pain meds first, not easy as she is in permanent pain. We are filling in paperwork to get me power of attorney for her if she needs medical treatment and isn't capable of refusing. We need someone who isn't a member of the family to sign and I don't know anyone... that's a sad indictment of my life. Not that I would have asked J to sign even if i still saw her regularly, she has no boundaries and gets too involved in stuff that have nothing to do with her. She actually thought it was okay to tell DP and DS2 when she saw them recently that her son had been sacked for gross misconduct...I mean who shares that information!! Luckily DS1 has  friend who knew DD when they were all in school who is more than happy to sign for us.

DS1 is still finding his job hard going physically especially the days he has to come home on the bus...it's and hour and a half on the bus and that's just hard. Still he is much happier in himself, I had been getting very concerned about his depression and was obviously more anxious about him getting a job than I realised. He is lucky but he really deserves it and it's such a good fit for him.

DS2 is struggling with working 3 days. it's so emotionally exhausting for him he is being less than kind at home. Hopefully it will settle down in time but it's not fun currently.

'D'P has been away with work this week and it's staggering how little he is missed by anyone. He has so little interaction with any of us that we just don't miss him. It's really sad though I doubt he would believe it if anyone told him, I get the impression he sees himself a the centre of our world...well he is well onto the narcissistic spectrum!

Not heard from either of my parents since DM phoned to say she's got her birthday present, I won't say 'thanked' as she was basically snarky and borderline unpleasant about the books I got. She is sooo predictable.

Update: well DD has been taking her new pain meds for a couple of weeks now and the difference is amazing, She is no longer in constant pain and with the nausea meds she also has she actually has a life again. It really is fantastic for her. Now we will need to sort getting her a new power chair....she had thought a manual chair would work as she went out so very rarely but with her new lease of life she is even thinking about going back to doing fashion post again. The difference having a doctor who actually listens is unbelievable!