The lunatics have taken over the asylum

 Well America had their election and decided to vote for Trump in sufficient numbers that he won the election...and the popular vote! There has been anecdotal evidence of voter suppression and purges of votes, which seems to be pretty standard in Republican states but unless there has been some conspiracy theory level vote tampering going on its unlikely to have affected the result. It's depressing to realise that more than half of American voters are prepared to vote in a racist, rapist, fascist, dementia, stupid person as President...but obviously they are. Glad I'm not American.

I have read a lot of dystopian fiction so I can envisage lots of depressing futures ... hopefully its not as bad a nightmare it could be.

To be honest I expected to be more upset about the election result but I'm kind of numb. DD is getting used to a new normal with their M.E. They had a month of pain flares and their base level just upgraded to accept the pain flair as 'normal'...this means that they are constantly exhausted and struggling. Life sucks.

DS1 is now driving which is brilliant but house prices are still escalating and he needs to resave his deposit, so unless my DF dies soon...and we sell his flat, not simple given there are apparently 12 currently up for sale with no interest... he's not getting a house. Life sucks. He really does not want to be stuck here all his life but he has seriously limited options.

DS2 has has a few extremely hard weeks. He was dumb at work, saying stupid shit at Top Site... he misspoke and suggested he'd been looking at baby porn...why he or anyone discusses porn at all is beyond me. Anyway he got banned from Top Site which made his job impossible... work moved him to Kirkstall to keep his job. When we finally got DS2 to write down what had been happening at Top Site it was apparent that it was highly toxic and they need serious training...the misogyny is appalling. He is enjoying his new job but very much misses his old job and the people there.  He will settle down and get used to it but it will take time and he's exhibiting his usual behaviours when stressed...aggression, rudeness etc etc, its not fun! 

On top of this he has been complaining about a sore ear for a few days. He was putting oil in to soften any wax and managed to push some cotton wool actually into his ear... this was discovered when he went to the doctors, (actually not true, the doctor mistook scaring for cotton wool).  He also has a slight ear infection. Life sucks.

In good news the scaffolding is finally down but the roof apparently still needs a couple of tiles setting and there is a large pile of tiles needing to be cleared away. Also DS2's bike was stolen...so DS1 is finishing rebuilding the fencing and putting in a new gate... all fun and expensive! It will look good when its all done but is time consuming and annoying. 

DF is living his best life and loving every minute...he's walking most days and planning holidays. He's oblivious to the wider world and if I liked or respected him I'd think it was good someone was having fun. But I just think he's selfish and self absorbed ... definitely my perception is the issue. DB is still out of touch with everyone, except DF occasionally. After chatting at Margaret's funeral I can see why he is so divorced from us all but it is very much his choice. Caroline is working at keeping in touch and we even got to meet up last time they were down to sort more of their mums stuff. DB could do that sort of thing...but even if he wanted to at this stage I'm not sure I'd be interested. I tried to keep in touch for years and then dropped the rope...he wasn't bothered so it stayed dropped. 

DP is away for the week with work...I definitely need a week without him. He had a week off work...which he spent watching shit on YouTube while sat at the kitchen table. He was supposed to be working last week but got a spot in one eyebrow which grew massively...for a spot...and he couldn't see out of the eye with the swelling. He got a load of antibiotics and spent the week working from home...never my favourite. In the end he thinks it might have been a coldsore. There are no words!

Last week DD, DS2 and I went out to the Xmas Market in York...it was hideously busy, DD's wheelchair decided the battery was effectively dead which made it all fun. DD was exhausted immediately and the photos they wanted just weren't possible. Basically they are just too tired to pull together the outfits they used to do and they are just soooo exhausted any photos just don't work...even the photos look tired! This didn't please DD obviously. To add to their woes the Market was pretty shit so we won't be trying it again. I took DS1 over the weekend as he's loved the Market the last couple of years but he agreed, way too busy to be fun and just not worth it.... he did get a load of mead though so not a total waste.

Anyway after being out DD crashed catastrophically hard...they have never been as ill.  Not sure when/if they'll get out again. They cancelled their December hair appointment...their October appointment was cancelled because of their pain flare... they just cut all their hair off today...to much hair and it was painful for them. Winter is not going to be fun.

Update:- Well the second Trump Presidency looks like being even more chaotic and horrible than the first. His picks for his government include someone who's been investigated for child sex trafficking... and there are others equally as bad. Trump is also suggesting he's not planning leaving when his 4 years are up...fun times. 

I'm not even mentioning the absolute horrors that Israel are committing...I feel sick ... they make the Nazi's look, if not normal, not the last word in evil. I will never understand anyone supporting the Zionists. 

Life goes on

 It's been a long time since I bothered to write anything. Mostly its because nothing changes and life is hard and depressing...not a good combination.

In June I managed to contact the roofer as we'd had water leaking in through the bathroom ceiling. He went and had a look and discovered a lot of expensive work that needed doing...what a surprise, our whole house is a total mess and could do with burning to the ground. Its a cheap build and it really shows. Anyway I spoke to Dad who was vey generous and sent a decent cheque...there was supposed to be some left over to go towards redoing the bathroom but the roof cost a lot more than the initial budget so we'd nothing left over. Anyway we get to the beginning of July and there's one days work left and the roofer just vanishes. I get a couple of texts and a few promises but no actual  work and the scaffolding stays up. I gather the roofer has been in hospital all summer and one of his workers has been on  long term sick with a cancer scare... all very dramatic but the constant worry as to if he'd gone bankrupt and how I'd sort finishing the roof and sort the scaffolding was stressful and I had enough sources of stress without adding anymore!

Anyway the work did finally get finished at the end of September so now I just need to wait for the scaffolding to go. And we are still saving for the bathroom refit...maybe next year if we are lucky and don't have any other emergencies.

One of the stressors this year has been my aunt...I've not seen Margaret for years but she was incredibly kind to DB1 and I when we were kids...having us over to stay in the summer holidays and taking us to Brimham Rocks, that kind of stuff. Margaret got me my first copy of The Hobbit...in fact she introduced me to quite a few different genres of fiction...science fiction first came from her. She'd not been well since Covid and was struggling on her own but was very reluctant to go into a home. Well she had a fall in about March and was in hospital for months and months...totally refusing to get out of bed and do anything for herself. She was basically willing herself dead. She did finally get into home but died not long after...I did visit her once but she was very clear that it was nice of me to go but now fuck off. Her daughters were left trying to help and organise stuff from miles away...one cousin lives in Aberdeen and was also coping with her mother-in-law dying, in Ireland, at the same time! Not good.

Anyway Margaret's funeral was at the end of August and I can see why she stayed where she was even when she was pretty immobile...she had so many friends around her and I think staying made a lot of sense. But still more work for her daughters to clear and then sell her house... at least DF has done that job for me...his flat shouldn't be too big a job.

At the funeral DF was chatting to DB2  who was calling him 'Dad'...well my DF didn't recognise him and was asking me if he'd managed to get to the funeral...way to make a guy feel wanted! DB2 has always been a bit unwilling to keep in contact with family but I can see why... when we were all talking about stuff we'd done as kids he kept saying he wasn't there or had been in bed earlier than whatever mayhem had occurred... he is 8/9 years younger than me and will be maybe 4/5 years younger than my youngest cousin. But his DF failing to recognise him...as they were chatting and he was being called 'Dad' is a new low! Its also very telling that no one is thinking that this is strange behaviour and that we should get DF assessed to see if he's developing Alzheimer's...no he just is that self absorbed.

DD has been flairing on and off...mostly on...all year which hasn't been good. They have been working really hard at loosing the weight they put on over winter and with the stress when I broke my rib, and they have lost some but its incredibly hard which they find depressing. They are also finding Instagram very hard... the algorithm keeps changing and is increasingly erratic...but does does seem to shadow ban creators for mentioning genocide or anything other than slavish devotion to Zionism. 

That's been another major source of stress this year...the news is horrific. Israel has gone totally insane and behaving in unimaginably brutal ways...they are definitely emulating the worst behaviour of Nazi Germany! And America is backing them without any question funding massive arms shipments to them...as are UK and Germany etc etc. Its beyond depressing. To add to the depressing news there have been a number of record breaking storms this year... Nepal, Nigeria, Poland and America... hundreds have died and with global warming it won't get any better that's for sure.

Its not all depressing news...DS1 has passed his driving test...so impressed and proud of him. Hopefully he will get himself a car fairly quickly and be more independent which will please him...who knows he may even start looking for a house and eventually move out! 

 

  

Emergencies show who people are

 I managed to trip on the stairs and ended up falling down the last four and breaking a rib where I hit the stair lift. It wasn't my favourite activity that's for sure, but it really highlighted who does stuff in the house.

Fortunately the stair lift wasn't damaged...I just nudged it and sorted that even before I managed to get off the floor. DP was working from home and did come to see what had happened as did DD1. He wasn't overly helpful but to be fair there was nothing anyone could actually do that would have been helpful.

I managed to get myself stood up and, hardly a surprise, I was in shock, so super pale...I was also really struggling to breathe. DP decided to take me to A&E, not a bad decision, but I couldn't get in his car...too low. So DP phoned for an ambulance...talk about embarrassed! Anyway 6 hours later I finally leave hospital with the knowledge that I have broken a rib but I'm probably not bleeding internally...worth checking given I have a tendency to bleed. They did suggest a CT scan which would have eaten up another 3 hours...and would also have required me to lay down on what is apparently a low table to be shunted into the machine...not sure how that would have been possible. I was in less shock and pain so could move a bit but I still couldn't lay down and could barely sit!

DP came to pick me up...I gave him very clear instructions as to how to get to the A&E and there are lots of signposts directing people to A&E...he got lost! I had DS2 on the phone while DP drove for me to give directions...DP is a stupid arrogant twat! Anyway I finally got home and DD had made a nest on my bed for me so I could rest sat up. DS1 fed the cats for me...even getting up at 5am on a weekend to feed them their breakfasts!!! 

Between DD, DS1 and DS2 I was able to rest as much as I needed to the first few days and they did all did the jobs I struggled with for the first couple of weeks. DD pushed themselves into a flair by doing so much...they sat with DS2 while I was in A&E calming him down and chatting, they ordered food, and calming snacks for DS2, they looked after me. DS1 had to get taxi's in and out of work, sort cats, generally do all the physical sorting I couldn't do. DS2 did loads of jobs like sorting litter trays and sweeping where Ruthie scatters litter over DD's bedroom floor. DS1 was even prepared to take DS2 to his Wednesday social in a taxi if DP was too late home...definitely DS2's preferred option! 

The only person who's life changed not at all...DP...he still went to his class on a Tuesday, he still had music lessons, the only extra job he did was to take DS2 to his Wednesday socials. He is truly the most lazy, self centred arse I have ever had the misfortune to know. Unfortunately while I've been recovering I've been a fairly stationary target and he has taken to talking total boring sh*t at me...god the man is sooo tedious and dull. His only 'conversation' is him and what pathetic drivel he has written on whichever Facebook page has had the misfortune to attract his attention.  I am so lucky I'm deaf...though not deaf enough!

The only thing DP actually did after the accident was to phone to tell my DF...heaven only knows why...it was hardly an emergency and really did not warrant telling anyone. I'm guessing it was the only way he could insert himself into the drama....when he's talking to DF he does keep harping on about when DF had his stroke. 

Fortunately the rib is healing up really very quickly...the most unpleasant aspect was the reaction I had to the codeine...it seems the some manufacturers add stuff in to counteract the constipating effects of the codeine...also some people react to the binding agents...no idea which it was but I spent the best part of 2 days on the loo. Very uncomfortable and very tiring! Luckily I had regained enough mobility that I could wipe my own arse!

It has shown me that if I become ill in old age DP would be utterly useless ...he'd probably just not 'see' I needed anything. I never expected him to be any better...he's f*cking useless with DD's care needs...but he isn't even able to offer a cup of tea or check if I need anything to eat. Well I will make sure I follow suit when/if he needs help. Certainly being out of action ... or only limited ability... for a week or so showed DP does f*ck all and I do pretty much everything... and if I don't actually do a specific job I monitor it and make sure it is done! If a miracle happened and we were actually able to leave and abandon DP the house would descend into such a mess so fast and would end up a filthy hoarders hovel soon enough.

Not a great start to the year

 The Genocide in Gaza... and the West Bank and Jerusalem continues. It's really hard to follow the news, its so painful and nothing is being done by any Government really. South Africa did bring a case to the ICJ which agreed what's happening looks very genocidy. But Israel continues...indeed increases what it's doing and no one condemns them... so hard to watch. The news is barely on mainstream media at all so for those who'd rather ignore it all it's easy enough for them to look the other way. Social media is a life line for those of us you are bearing witness... seeing a genocide happening in real time is heart breaking and utterly depressing for a number of reasons- 

• watching the destruction of people, men, women and children...even babies, is horrific
• the utter destruction Israel is inflicting on every part of Gaza is unbelievable, it's total destruction...even more than WWII. The third oldest church in the world was totally destroyed...as well as hospitals, mosques, schools, houses, water treatment facilities...everything. The Palestinian Christian community is being totally eradicated. 
• Israel is also testing new weapons...the joys of capitalism I guess
• the death of any hope I had in the basic goodness of people...while there are lots of people all over the world working for a ceasefire there are more people who don't care or who actively want all the Palestinians in Gaza and the rest of Israel to die.
• Once you see the white settler colonialist, white supremacist, apartheid nature of Israel its not possible to unsee it. BLM taught us a lot about the nature of racism but this has torn all pretence about the toxic nature of colonialism, capitalism and racism and colonialism away. There are a lot of truly bad people in the world.
•  the environmental damage all this is doing is dreadful too...as if the world wasn't already experiencing all the problems of global warming and extreme weather!

When all this started in October my DF did agree that what was happening was dreadful...has never mentioned it since. For reasons known only to him DP has decided Israel is good and anyone resisting is bad... to be fair he is on facebook a lot and is getting shades of red pill. He is so far down the red pill rabbit hole that he will huff and leave the room if DS2 mentions Gaza. DS2 may have very limited understanding but is aware killing babies is bad and supports the people in Gaza... hard not to be able to clear that particular bar! Does not say good things about DP that he can't clear it.

In addition to all the stress because of the terrible news coming out of Gaza and the new ways I now need to see the world and all the problems we face as humans, DD is also having an especially bad start to the year. They always struggle in winter...the combination of dark, cold and poor weather making it hard to get out which leaves them trapped in their room very bored. But this year they are also flaring... badly flaring to the extent they have needed the commode in their room and are settling down to sleep by 5pm. In addition to that they have piled on weight in January...about 2 stone. Last January they were unhappy with how much weight they were putting on after Xmas...2lb a day. So we started counting what they ate and they lost a fairly steady half a stone a month and were just over 17stone at the beginning of June.  That didn't last but they ended up in the 18stone area until winter...which they could live with. They are now heading for 21 stone and likely to go back up to 24 stone which was their heaviest and head off beyond it. They are at the stage where they'd welcome a stomach flair, but that's not going to happen.

DS1 is also struggling with winter... the lack of any light and the fact that pretty much all he does is work and come home and sleep isn't making him happy. He did pass his Theory Test at his first attempt which was very impressive. Now he just needs to book a driving course and actually pass his test and start driving. I think that will help, fingers crossed. Basically he needs a nice partner who gets him and they can work together to get a house and work out their lives. Really don't see him being massively happy on his own but its not my problem to solve that's for sure.

Hopefully the year will brighten up...not got a lot of hope but good stuff can happen....okay maybe not. My cynicism runs deep for valid reasons.