Life goes on

 It's been a long time since I bothered to write anything. Mostly its because nothing changes and life is hard and depressing...not a good combination.

In June I managed to contact the roofer as we'd had water leaking in through the bathroom ceiling. He went and had a look and discovered a lot of expensive work that needed doing...what a surprise, our whole house is a total mess and could do with burning to the ground. Its a cheap build and it really shows. Anyway I spoke to Dad who was vey generous and sent a decent cheque...there was supposed to be some left over to go towards redoing the bathroom but the roof cost a lot more than the initial budget so we'd nothing left over. Anyway we get to the beginning of July and there's one days work left and the roofer just vanishes. I get a couple of texts and a few promises but no actual  work and the scaffolding stays up. I gather the roofer has been in hospital all summer and one of his workers has been on  long term sick with a cancer scare... all very dramatic but the constant worry as to if he'd gone bankrupt and how I'd sort finishing the roof and sort the scaffolding was stressful and I had enough sources of stress without adding anymore!

Anyway the work did finally get finished at the end of September so now I just need to wait for the scaffolding to go. And we are still saving for the bathroom refit...maybe next year if we are lucky and don't have any other emergencies.

One of the stressors this year has been my aunt...I've not seen Margaret for years but she was incredibly kind to DB1 and I when we were kids...having us over to stay in the summer holidays and taking us to Brimham Rocks, that kind of stuff. Margaret got me my first copy of The Hobbit...in fact she introduced me to quite a few different genres of fiction...science fiction first came from her. She'd not been well since Covid and was struggling on her own but was very reluctant to go into a home. Well she had a fall in about March and was in hospital for months and months...totally refusing to get out of bed and do anything for herself. She was basically willing herself dead. She did finally get into home but died not long after...I did visit her once but she was very clear that it was nice of me to go but now fuck off. Her daughters were left trying to help and organise stuff from miles away...one cousin lives in Aberdeen and was also coping with her mother-in-law dying, in Ireland, at the same time! Not good.

Anyway Margaret's funeral was at the end of August and I can see why she stayed where she was even when she was pretty immobile...she had so many friends around her and I think staying made a lot of sense. But still more work for her daughters to clear and then sell her house... at least DF has done that job for me...his flat shouldn't be too big a job.

At the funeral DF was chatting to DB2  who was calling him 'Dad'...well my DF didn't recognise him and was asking me if he'd managed to get to the funeral...way to make a guy feel wanted! DB2 has always been a bit unwilling to keep in contact with family but I can see why... when we were all talking about stuff we'd done as kids he kept saying he wasn't there or had been in bed earlier than whatever mayhem had occurred... he is 8/9 years younger than me and will be maybe 4/5 years younger than my youngest cousin. But his DF failing to recognise him...as they were chatting and he was being called 'Dad' is a new low! Its also very telling that no one is thinking that this is strange behaviour and that we should get DF assessed to see if he's developing Alzheimer's...no he just is that self absorbed.

DD has been flairing on and off...mostly on...all year which hasn't been good. They have been working really hard at loosing the weight they put on over winter and with the stress when I broke my rib, and they have lost some but its incredibly hard which they find depressing. They are also finding Instagram very hard... the algorithm keeps changing and is increasingly erratic...but does does seem to shadow ban creators for mentioning genocide or anything other than slavish devotion to Zionism. 

That's been another major source of stress this year...the news is horrific. Israel has gone totally insane and behaving in unimaginably brutal ways...they are definitely emulating the worst behaviour of Nazi Germany! And America is backing them without any question funding massive arms shipments to them...as are UK and Germany etc etc. Its beyond depressing. To add to the depressing news there have been a number of record breaking storms this year... Nepal, Nigeria, Poland and America... hundreds have died and with global warming it won't get any better that's for sure.

Its not all depressing news...DS1 has passed his driving test...so impressed and proud of him. Hopefully he will get himself a car fairly quickly and be more independent which will please him...who knows he may even start looking for a house and eventually move out! 

 

  

Emergencies show who people are

 I managed to trip on the stairs and ended up falling down the last four and breaking a rib where I hit the stair lift. It wasn't my favourite activity that's for sure, but it really highlighted who does stuff in the house.

Fortunately the stair lift wasn't damaged...I just nudged it and sorted that even before I managed to get off the floor. DP was working from home and did come to see what had happened as did DD1. He wasn't overly helpful but to be fair there was nothing anyone could actually do that would have been helpful.

I managed to get myself stood up and, hardly a surprise, I was in shock, so super pale...I was also really struggling to breathe. DP decided to take me to A&E, not a bad decision, but I couldn't get in his car...too low. So DP phoned for an ambulance...talk about embarrassed! Anyway 6 hours later I finally leave hospital with the knowledge that I have broken a rib but I'm probably not bleeding internally...worth checking given I have a tendency to bleed. They did suggest a CT scan which would have eaten up another 3 hours...and would also have required me to lay down on what is apparently a low table to be shunted into the machine...not sure how that would have been possible. I was in less shock and pain so could move a bit but I still couldn't lay down and could barely sit!

DP came to pick me up...I gave him very clear instructions as to how to get to the A&E and there are lots of signposts directing people to A&E...he got lost! I had DS2 on the phone while DP drove for me to give directions...DP is a stupid arrogant twat! Anyway I finally got home and DD had made a nest on my bed for me so I could rest sat up. DS1 fed the cats for me...even getting up at 5am on a weekend to feed them their breakfasts!!! 

Between DD, DS1 and DS2 I was able to rest as much as I needed to the first few days and they did all did the jobs I struggled with for the first couple of weeks. DD pushed themselves into a flair by doing so much...they sat with DS2 while I was in A&E calming him down and chatting, they ordered food, and calming snacks for DS2, they looked after me. DS1 had to get taxi's in and out of work, sort cats, generally do all the physical sorting I couldn't do. DS2 did loads of jobs like sorting litter trays and sweeping where Ruthie scatters litter over DD's bedroom floor. DS1 was even prepared to take DS2 to his Wednesday social in a taxi if DP was too late home...definitely DS2's preferred option! 

The only person who's life changed not at all...DP...he still went to his class on a Tuesday, he still had music lessons, the only extra job he did was to take DS2 to his Wednesday socials. He is truly the most lazy, self centred arse I have ever had the misfortune to know. Unfortunately while I've been recovering I've been a fairly stationary target and he has taken to talking total boring sh*t at me...god the man is sooo tedious and dull. His only 'conversation' is him and what pathetic drivel he has written on whichever Facebook page has had the misfortune to attract his attention.  I am so lucky I'm deaf...though not deaf enough!

The only thing DP actually did after the accident was to phone to tell my DF...heaven only knows why...it was hardly an emergency and really did not warrant telling anyone. I'm guessing it was the only way he could insert himself into the drama....when he's talking to DF he does keep harping on about when DF had his stroke. 

Fortunately the rib is healing up really very quickly...the most unpleasant aspect was the reaction I had to the codeine...it seems the some manufacturers add stuff in to counteract the constipating effects of the codeine...also some people react to the binding agents...no idea which it was but I spent the best part of 2 days on the loo. Very uncomfortable and very tiring! Luckily I had regained enough mobility that I could wipe my own arse!

It has shown me that if I become ill in old age DP would be utterly useless ...he'd probably just not 'see' I needed anything. I never expected him to be any better...he's f*cking useless with DD's care needs...but he isn't even able to offer a cup of tea or check if I need anything to eat. Well I will make sure I follow suit when/if he needs help. Certainly being out of action ... or only limited ability... for a week or so showed DP does f*ck all and I do pretty much everything... and if I don't actually do a specific job I monitor it and make sure it is done! If a miracle happened and we were actually able to leave and abandon DP the house would descend into such a mess so fast and would end up a filthy hoarders hovel soon enough.

Not a great start to the year

 The Genocide in Gaza... and the West Bank and Jerusalem continues. It's really hard to follow the news, its so painful and nothing is being done by any Government really. South Africa did bring a case to the ICJ which agreed what's happening looks very genocidy. But Israel continues...indeed increases what it's doing and no one condemns them... so hard to watch. The news is barely on mainstream media at all so for those who'd rather ignore it all it's easy enough for them to look the other way. Social media is a life line for those of us you are bearing witness... seeing a genocide happening in real time is heart breaking and utterly depressing for a number of reasons- 

• watching the destruction of people, men, women and children...even babies, is horrific
• the utter destruction Israel is inflicting on every part of Gaza is unbelievable, it's total destruction...even more than WWII. The third oldest church in the world was totally destroyed...as well as hospitals, mosques, schools, houses, water treatment facilities...everything. The Palestinian Christian community is being totally eradicated. 
• Israel is also testing new weapons...the joys of capitalism I guess
• the death of any hope I had in the basic goodness of people...while there are lots of people all over the world working for a ceasefire there are more people who don't care or who actively want all the Palestinians in Gaza and the rest of Israel to die.
• Once you see the white settler colonialist, white supremacist, apartheid nature of Israel its not possible to unsee it. BLM taught us a lot about the nature of racism but this has torn all pretence about the toxic nature of colonialism, capitalism and racism and colonialism away. There are a lot of truly bad people in the world.
•  the environmental damage all this is doing is dreadful too...as if the world wasn't already experiencing all the problems of global warming and extreme weather!

When all this started in October my DF did agree that what was happening was dreadful...has never mentioned it since. For reasons known only to him DP has decided Israel is good and anyone resisting is bad... to be fair he is on facebook a lot and is getting shades of red pill. He is so far down the red pill rabbit hole that he will huff and leave the room if DS2 mentions Gaza. DS2 may have very limited understanding but is aware killing babies is bad and supports the people in Gaza... hard not to be able to clear that particular bar! Does not say good things about DP that he can't clear it.

In addition to all the stress because of the terrible news coming out of Gaza and the new ways I now need to see the world and all the problems we face as humans, DD is also having an especially bad start to the year. They always struggle in winter...the combination of dark, cold and poor weather making it hard to get out which leaves them trapped in their room very bored. But this year they are also flaring... badly flaring to the extent they have needed the commode in their room and are settling down to sleep by 5pm. In addition to that they have piled on weight in January...about 2 stone. Last January they were unhappy with how much weight they were putting on after Xmas...2lb a day. So we started counting what they ate and they lost a fairly steady half a stone a month and were just over 17stone at the beginning of June.  That didn't last but they ended up in the 18stone area until winter...which they could live with. They are now heading for 21 stone and likely to go back up to 24 stone which was their heaviest and head off beyond it. They are at the stage where they'd welcome a stomach flair, but that's not going to happen.

DS1 is also struggling with winter... the lack of any light and the fact that pretty much all he does is work and come home and sleep isn't making him happy. He did pass his Theory Test at his first attempt which was very impressive. Now he just needs to book a driving course and actually pass his test and start driving. I think that will help, fingers crossed. Basically he needs a nice partner who gets him and they can work together to get a house and work out their lives. Really don't see him being massively happy on his own but its not my problem to solve that's for sure.

Hopefully the year will brighten up...not got a lot of hope but good stuff can happen....okay maybe not. My cynicism runs deep for valid reasons.  

genocide

 The recent weeks have had the media filled with pictures of a genocide happening in Gaza. Hamas shot rockets into Israel and killed a bunch of people...difficult to give a number as Israel is having to correct its initial briefings all too often and acknowledge that a significant number of those killed were killed by them. Hamas took hostages...all bad stuff. Israel then decided a proportionate response was to bomb Gaza flat...including hospitals and schools. Hundreds of children and babies have been killed.

Hamas is bad, that hardly needs saying...that Israel is bad definitely does need saying. The major problem for Israel in this situation is that people have access to a lot of information...TikTok and Instagram ..... and people have been finding out all sorts of stuff we didn't know before. I didn't know Israel was an apartheid state, nor that Jews and Palestinians are not legally allowed to marry or that 23andMe is effectively banned because it would destroy the myth of Jews as genetically tied to Israel/Palestine...while Palestinians are. All the information was there but I was lazy and only looked at the surface information about all the many problems in the area and accepted that Israel...while not perfect... was necessary as a haven for Jews and that supporting Palestinian rights was a code for anti-Semitism. 

I have read a lot in the last week or so and I can now say that Zionism is a colonialist ideology and that Palestinians have been treated badly by everyone...their leaders...the organisations that professed to be working for their benefit...PLO, Hamas, other Arab states...the Western world...

There have been protests around the world...as there were before the Iraq war, for BLM, when the Russians invaded Ukraine... I also remember marches to stop Apartheid in South Africa and to protest the Poll Tax... so sometimes protests work. I really don't see anything good happening for Palestine any time soon. There is no political will in America and they are the ones who control the purse strings and they have too much tied up with supporting Israel. But Israel will struggle resume any aura of morality over the situation.

For me personally it is painful to have to abandon the hope that Israel could be a moral country...it should have been. It was created after the Holocaust and having endured so much I truly expected...naïve I know...that  Israel would remember the horrors and not recreate them...but they totally have. Even the language us the same, I totally expect Netanyahu to call for a 'Final Solution' of the Palestinian problem...maybe through 'resettlement'!

DP is being his usual arsy self and taking the opposite view on any topic the rest of us express an opinion... he is sooo much wiser than us and such a genius so only his view is correct of course... DD did loose her temper with him last week...understandably. He was 'parenting' DS2 from another room, which he does like to do...extremely unhelpful which he has been told on multiple occasions. Anyway DD, who was in extreme pain and very tired after helping DS2 make Xmas cards erupted on DP and shouted at him that we all hate him and that they had prayed he died when he was in hospital. No one said anything as every word was pretty much true. DP has avoided the 'parenting' from afar since...long may that continue! 

Luckily DP is finally back at work...the month he was off on sick was interminable...and he is away! We are all enjoying the peace and quiet. Unfortunately its his last stint of working away in this job...pretty much his last stint of actually leaving the house for work at all. He starts his new job after Xmas so we'll see how how that goes...hopefully at least some travelling... we all need to time to relax.

Endless drama

 Lots of drama recently. DP was in hospital for a blockage in his stomach that needed emergency surgery. He was fairly poorly, enough he persuaded the NHS advise line to send him an ambulance...both DS1 and DD were disgusted that he was such a drama queen. I can sympathise with their point of view...he does tend to act martyred about any illness ...all while 'bravely soldiering on'... really annoying. Now he's out of hospital he's telling everyone he 'nearly died'...while totally ignoring the hospitals advise for what to eat. Seriously hope he has a relapse ... I would say I hope he dies but I did the maths and we would struggle...other than that he can defiantly f*ck off and die. It was noticeable how much calmer DS2 was while DP was in hospital, even with all the anxiety DS2 was experiencing. Very telling!

DD is having therapy to try and help them with depression, they are really struggling with feeling like a burden and having no value...its really hard for them. Their weight is also creeping back up which isn't helping and the M.E. is progressing and they have increasingly limited energy and mental capacity. It's super annoying as all of this is happening at the same time as DD is finding a community IRL and is actually getting a social life. Possibly the two are connected and they are just doing too much and pushing to a flare, who knows. This weekend they went to a writers retreat in Harrogate, they did one in summer over their birthday and loved it...they managed Saturday and ended up sooo exhausted and in so much pain that today they had to not go to the second day and are sat with their heated back pad in extremes of pain.

DS1 has finally booked to do his Theory Test for his driving test. He is also getting out more, he went away to London for a week on holiday and has got back in touch with friends. He still gets so burned out working that during the week he basically works and sleeps and then spends the weekend resting to start the process over again. I still think loosing some weight would help him sleep better which would improve his energy...but his autism would still make everything exhausting.

DF finally got Covid but was barely ill at all with it. He is spending a lot of time with one of the other ladies in his old peoples complex...glad he's enjoying life. He's utterly self centred and barely registers the rest of the world... some of that will be his deafness and some his age but a lot of it is just how he's always been. My parents were both pretty sucky.

DS2 was complaining that his brand new airpods weren't working ...they are working just fine. I got an appointment to get his ears checked incase he had too much wax. It emerged that one of his ear drums has scarring...weirdly this was never mentioned even though his hearing was tested twice as a child! So he might actually have some hearing issues...he has an appointment to have a full hearing test and we'll see what that says.

Other than that life continues as normal... the cost of everything continues to increase and however hard I try to save money I am always needing to spend ...lots!... the problem of having a seriously depressed, chronically ill child, a burnt out autistic son and a child with CPTSD and associated issues! I'll not have the old age my DF has that's for sure...no luxury flat and constant holidays and meals out just because...as he said, he has more money than he can ever spend! I really don't have that!

 

Life isn't easy

 Nothing is ever easy for us...DS1 is unable to look for a house and move out until he can drive, but he really doesn't want to drive so isn't pushing to get his license sorted. Even then he'll struggle to afford anything decent or in an area he wants to live. He is also getting burnout and is currently working and sleeping pretty much...I really think loosing some weight, he is VERY big and maybe even doing some exercise would help...not shaming his weight, I actually think his problem may be at least partly sleep apnea Life is hard.

DS2 is struggling with his behaviour...or rather we are struggling with his behaviour! He's being weird about wanting a girlfriend and is spouting incel rubbish. He's basically got the abuser handbook hardwired into his DNA and isn't a safe person. Shame as it's not his choice but it is who he is. He has recently started a new social group which may help. In looking for a social group Sarah.. the St Anne's worker contacted Social Services...all I can say is that Adult Social Services are even wetter that Children's Social Services. I am sure the guy is fine but he's very ineffectual and wet! Fortunately one of DS2's friends is in the Social Group and I got the name of the organising group from the friends mum and sorted it myself.

DD is finding life particularly hard...they have been focussing on eating carefully all year ...even to extent of weighing everything and noting it all down so we can track everything they eat. It has helped spotting foods they need to avoid...potatoes and soy products so far. But recently they have been putting weight on...4lbs in less than a week. Nothing they do is having any effect and its obviously not making them feel great. When your life is so out of control it was good to be able to 'fix' one bit. Now even that has been taken away from them. They started the careful eating to avoid another stomach flair and control the 2lb a day they were gaining in January but it all seems a bit of a waste now...though they have lost over 2 stone. Life is hard.

DF is incredibly, smuggly happy in his new flat and new life. We went over to see him on Saturday and he talks only about himself and his life...now that's partly because he is increasingly deaf and so doesn't always hear anything anyone else says, but really he's only interested in himself.  He forgot DD's birthday...the 4th year in a row... no idea if he'll ever realise he's forgotten...or care! I have no respect for him and no affection. I do the bare minimum of daughterly contact and visits and that's only for my benefit...I'd feel ...not guilty but incorrect if I do nothing. But I certainly won't mourn him when he's gone or miss him. Weirdly I have, very occasionally missed DM...mostly when I've seen a story in the news I know she'd have appreciated. I certainly don't miss her as a person at all but I miss who she could have been, not sure that makes any sense. It's a real shame because I could really do with any family who actually gave a damn...life with DD and DS2 is hard and I someone who cared about me would be wonderful.

DP is as ... unpleasant, self absorbed, arrogant, nasty...pick any, all or none...he's someone I have no interest in ever speaking to or seeing. If the Police came to the door and told me he'd died I would struggle not to cheer...he is not a pleasant person to be around and fills every available space with his crap. The only reason we are all here is money. I am usually quite good at reading people...not always accurate but I get some impression of them. For him I get no reading at all...other than the self absorbed etc...it's like he's just not an actual functioning person on the inside so he has no inner life. Who knows...or really cares at this point! All I know is I loathe when he starts talking at me...every monologue ends up with him talking about himself...what he wrote on facebook...what he said at work ...what he thinks about any topic...he's tediously boring and seems to seriously believe he is a total mega genius and knows everything. 

Haven't heard anything from DB in ages and I really don't care. When DF dies I can't see me ever seeing him again and it will bother me not at all.

The world seems to be going to shit...there are soo many problems with climate change, refugees wanting a life for themselves and their families, too many countries and politicians moving to fascism...its depressing and not going to get better anytime fast. Yes I am as pessimistic as I sound...I do look back at the world I grew up in and it seems easier and less brutal. The climate wasn't fucked and people...in my privileged world...could buy houses and have a life...life isn't like that anymore for most people. Yes I have a level of depression...I've had it for years, I used to walk through a cemetery years ago for one of DS2's therapies, and I would read the ages of death and feel jealous of those who died young. Life is hard. 

 

Life continues

Well dad finally managed to get moved. He's very happy in his new flat and is keen to tell me just how much money he has..'more than I can ever spend'..I did suggest he give DS1 some to help him move. Not holding my breath.

DD is continuing to be super careful with what they eat to avoid triggering any more stomach flairs...not so careful this week as they are finally having a period...after 14 months. It's heavy and painful and if ice cream helps then eat it!

DP is doing his new job...he didn't get a works car so had to buy one in a hurry...just what we needed, more expense. He's not doing any work yet but hopefully he'll get some jobs soon and actually have to leave the house occasionally. Having him home all the time is not good, for any of us. He is loud, aggressive, vile to DS2 and just a really unpleasant person to be around. If anyone tries to say anything to him he'll purse up his lips and huff...totally offended anyone would have the temerity to potentially not instantly agree with his total perfection. Really finding him hard to be around...if I only had the money!

Other than that the world continues to be scary and not a lot of fun. Prices continue to increase. DS1 is unlikely to ever be able to afford to move out...how ever much he saves prices are going up faster than his savings. Also he needs a car before he can even look at moving and he's not moving toward sorting a driving license. It's a real shame because he would love to move on...maybe even start dating...though I'm not sure how easy he'd find that given his current size...horrid to say but true.

In America the Republicans are becoming ever more extreme and trying to fix their voter problem by disbarring anyone who doesn't love them from voting, They have abolished abortions in too many states and are are now targeting trans people, drag queens, books, gay marriage...the list goes on. Britain will be next for a lot of it.

It  doesn't help that I am increasingly depressed. Not enough to warrant speaking to the doctors for medication...I would never trust any doctor enough to be that honest or vulnerable anyway! But I am finding the world is changing too much...little things like all the new buildings in Leeds and the new road systems. It just doesn't feel like my world anymore...a product of getting old I guess but it's not fun. I keep looking back and seeing the past in roseate colours and more rational, more decent, responsibilities as well as rights. I'm not stupid and I know the past was as messy and hard as the present ...as well as seriously awful for far too many groups. But I'm not getting any real enjoyment out of life...my personal fantasy is to get cancer that allows me to gracefully exit stage left. Not going to happen but I can dream.

DD would also not be unhappy to have terminal cancer...they are discovering they are more trans than they realised and finding their female body hard to love.  While they are continuing to loose weight they still weigh 18 stone so are a looong way off being small enough to be androgynous. 

So not excited for anything this year...I continue to exist and continue to do all the jobs I need to in order for us all to survive but I'm not experiencing any joy. 

Update: well DP continues to be self absorbed and .... vile, rude, objectionable, emotionally abusive... all of these and non. He's deeply unpleasant to be around because his only topic of 'conversation' is himself and what he wants to say. He was away for a week...we all loved it!... DS1 sanded down the kitchen table and oiled it, I repainted the bathroom and did some painting in the kitchen after sorting the damp/mould problem... DP not only totally failed to notice any of this....all very noticeable...but continued to pretend he was planning to sort the kitchen table. He is such an arse...if I had the money I would be overjoyed at being able to get us all out...I have absolutely no respect for him and utterly despise his arrogance...he truly believes he is a genius and beloved by all. He is deluded!

To add to all this the top bathroom has got problems of damp in the floor...who knows how big a problem that will be...oh joys!

I really would welcome a fatal condition...I'm not able to suicide, mostly because I don't have any means and would feel too guilty given both DD and DS2 rely on me...but a health issue...well it wouldn't be my fault so I wouldn't need to feel guilty...